Thanks

A good friend of mine introduced me to Jeff Buckley - and while I will admit it will likely take some time for him to specifically grow on me - like Damien Rice did - his songs are amazing.  And as such I'm posting this cover of one of said friend's favorite songs.

So.... when I said I wanted to date

I should have clarified to the cosmos, that I meant I want to date someone new - no re-dating.  The sad thing is BB asked me out for coffee.  Yes I know he's a barista - but he wants to take me downtown to this place that makes amazing soy lattes.  He's sweet and he gives me free coffee. BUT he is so broken.  I cannot fix him.  I wouldn't and even if I was crazy enough, and that would be like CRAZY crazy to consider that - I don't think any healthy person could even help him.  He needs professional help.  He's got shit.  Hell I've gone through big time shit in my life, and if your shit scares me, it needs someone to help you out and not a girl you like.... so *sigh* I haven't given him an answer, he kind of blindsided me at 6:30 this morning when he asked.  I wish I could be his friend - steer him to some help, but I think that's like trying to save a drowning man - it's more likely to put you in danger than them.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/charl22/168618212/sizes/m/in/photostream/

'Tis that time of year...

It is that time to look back and look forward.  But quite frankly I don't want to look back to the hell that was my body's dysfunction this year - or all issues that was 2010.  So, we are going to dig up, dust off and change up the 29 before 29 list... *drum roll*


30 before 30


1. Apply for Graduate school (write the General GRE and Subject GRE) - I will not dignify this with more than one spot. I start in September and I didn't have to take the GRE, yay me.


2. Dye hair blond and cut short - thinking pixie short but I hate growing it out from that length, it's the devil. Well as of Feb 12/10, my hair will look something like this, I have this picture on my cork board at the moment.


3. Make something with squash blossoms


4. See at least two VIFF films Close enough - Ms. J and I always see at least one film.


5. Run 5 marathons races since I started to get sick running hasn't been super high on the able to do list but this could be an option.  Well I've done a marathon and 3 half's - so I'm short one which I am booked to do in January - after that the plan is Vancouver Half, Portland and Philly full marathons and maybe a half in Seattle.  Staying close-ish to home this year.  SO on that note we are going to kick it back up to 5 marathons.


6. Get a professional massage, and no not that kind of massage...  Done and done and scheduled to be done again - Lucie is amazing.


7. Go to The Diamond, try a new signature drink - ie. not vodka based, and if it is gin based I will hand over my Blackberry for the night.  This year's anti-wedding anniversary party I promise.


8. For an equal drinking/class experience go here for my birthday Went for my anti-anniversary celebrations in 2010.


9. Plant a mini garden and try not to kill it basil died but the oregano and mint still survived - beyond that I don't have enough light.

10. Use the word bombastic and/or find someone bombastic and get their number  Close enough we
are FB "friends" and he was invited to our New Year's Game's Night.


11. The above will be done at either 7 or Shangra La's bar - which I've been dying to go to... alcohol is a theme here, oops Scratch that - visit three states I have not been to/in - landing in is acceptable as far as I am concerned because landing in is all I want to do in Minnesota.  This actually might be really hard since I've been to more than I think I want to count, such as: West Coast, South going East from California to Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, Georgia, Montana, Nevada, DC, Pennsylvania, New Jersey,  Delaware, Virginia and Maryland, New York, Minnesota and Illinois.

12. Dance somewhere - flash mob would be a safe place... I have a fear of rhythmic movement and rightfully so.


13. Have a body part waxed  *sigh* I am such a chicken, my roommate does her own, I don't think I can but we'll try


14. Get another tattoo (I want a really big one, though I will likely settle for something small again)


15. Make homemade marshmallows for Christmas gifts - you better act surprised y'all - the plan for 2011


16. Get a short story published...


17. Give a random stranger on the T a bouquet of flowers - this would work if I worked downtown more.


18. Learn to drive - my parental unit insists on this though I have negotiated an alternative option for this.


19. Learn to read French - I own the books, I guess I should be doing this.



20. Take a beginner tap dance or ice skating class - why did I pick such hard things - blerg - this is never going to happen...


21. Invest in a Jo Malone fragrance - which I might add are PRICEY and hard to come by on this side of the Atlantic


22. Take someone to NYC


23. Go to an NFL game - next year I am going to try my hardest when we're in Philly.


24. Send at a card every 2 months to a friend for encouragement or thanks - and I won't do all these at one time.


25. Start dating again - I know it sounds like a cop out but considering I haven't done that at all this year now that I think about it - I may have to be really deliberate with this.


26. Make a 5 year plan that has practical steps and does not involve a step that says "get married"


27. Help my dad run the Philly Half Marathon in 2011.


28. Not purchase another book until I have read 3 from my unread collection.


29. Have a Valentine's Day event - we tried but failed last year.


30. Bungee jump -  Ms. J refuses but there has to be someone willing to do with with me.


So there are one that need to be changed - any suggestions?

More music

I have noticed in recent conversations that my ability to communicate is limited in moments, moments where I want a song, poem or novel to do the speaking for me.  Confusion arises and the possible insight that could have been given seems to slip away in the attempt to re-communicate, maybe that is why there has been more music on here as of late - maybe I just have too much on my brain to sort it all out.

 

Soo it must be Christmas

I feel like I've been run over with a semi or a commuter train or something - you get the image. I have been awake since 6 and so tonight I got a grand total of 4 and some odd hours of sleep.  I wasn't at AB's party - time just got away from me, tis the season.

Hopefully I will be able to get a nap in today - I really will need a nap.  There is lots I need - I needed that massage I had to reschedule yesterday.  I need to not be sitting in front of my laptop while all my laundry is in piles or going through the machine.   Oh well I feel like there is something I should be saying but I cannot form into words -  thoughts about how complicated men are (AB and BB) about how complicated life is, and the joys of this season....

I have to say this is one of my favorite holiday songs (yes it is a cover and it might be perfect - but that is what I love about the song the message isn't lost) - the original song is here :



And now the requesite Florence + the Machine Song:

Property!

You're all mine, mine, MINE, ALL MINE... CEF was like this - Ms. J and well anyone can testify to his need to be in constant contact with me.  We would talk before I went to work, we would talk the entire 1hr commute home, during dinner and then MSN until I was about to pass out.  If he couldn't do that he'd be texting and calling every minute in there that he could - and yes there were many times I would turn off my phone - never a good option.  I'm busy was never an acceptable solution.  You think I'm joking, oy vay, seriously ask Ms. J.  Before CEF I never believed that I was beholden to anyone's time, and after all the fighting to unstick him from my life - I believe that philosophy even stronger.  If you cannot survive without talking to me, without knowing where I am - that is your problem, not mine.

CW says I should be more jealous - that it says I care - CW also says a lot of interesting things*.  Really?  Does wanting to know where someone is, what they are doing and who they are with, all or even a large portion of the time caring?

*Such things:
1.Sharing is NOT caring - which is normally in reference to her friends semi-swinger lifestyles
2. Be a kitten now and a lion when you get married - that is actually her mom's wisdom, apparently everyone's mother hands down weird advice - regardless of their culture.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/richgaccione/2626955916/

More Music

I've been dwelling on the topics of long distances, jealousy, growing up and the explosion of marriage around these parts. 

Edit - I had a long blog post about CEF - but since I'm over him and heading for a long bath I'm not going to leave it up - I do not need to be projecting more negativity.

As to the video it was done apparently with a real light bright - check it out on YouTube for the full effect

Music Interlude

I Must Confess

In light of Hansen's comment (reading) and a recent blog of Victoria's, I have noticed my ghetto booty is disappearing with all my running.  Which in theory I should be thrilled with because despite my Russian heritage I have always had more back than I would appreciate - but I guess I should say had back.  Hansen was distressed the last time it happened and I am sure if she wasn't a 100 or so miles away she would be distressed now... I like running for all the positives it gives me but I must confess - I still want to be able to sing along to this song and know it applies to me.



Y'all can thank Yummy Mommy for making this our theme song...

Have You Ever

Have you have ever met someone who intimidated you - not CEF intimidation, but a wow you're amazing, you're so _____.... I had a conversation with a male friend about this.  This friend is not the only guy to do this to me,  DD was the other once but considering my mouth goes bone dry in his presence I have given up trying on that.  I've always sort of believed that it was a good sign - not the bone dry mouth - but the element of awe.  I am not talking about a disproportionate amount, but rather the person having abilities you don't have and want or want to grow in, someone who compliments you, encourages you to grow.

For example - I cannot dance and I cannot get up in front of people and do anything let alone sing or play an instrument.  I have sung in front of hundreds in another language too - but let me put it this way I probably looked like I was going to hurl the entire time.  The lack of dancing is probably a combination of insecurity and coming from a family where dancing was verboten - especially dancing with a boy.  It didn't help me one bit that I went from a public elementary school where dancing consisted of standing holding each other at a respectable distance and moving side to side to a private school where no one danced because everyone knows that dancing leads to sex.  Actually a lot leads to sex and it isn't just dancing... sigh - to bad they didn't consider all the other ways and teach some practical instruction around that... but that is another blog.  So bottom line I dance at home with the blinds closed and no one else around...

Those aren't things I necessarily want to grow in but I do want to find someone who supports me and challenges me to grow... I don't know if someone who intimidates me is the place to start though apparently I have the same effect on men - so maybe I need to get over my fears in order to find someone brave enough to handle me - rather than dealing with the men who think they can just corral me.

I Must Confess

I have never looked back on an ex or pseudo relationship and thought, damn I should have never let them go, they were so good/right etc...  Yep, never.  I know you're going to say what about AB?  Well if you've been following along I don't think I ever really thought that he or we were so good - we were the definition of dysfunction or more so I was a man-child enabler...

I am beginning to wonder if that is normal.  I know I'm not normal - maybe this is just one more thing that I'm not normal about.  I have been thinking about this since I saw Dr. A's picture on FB, the first time I've seen him in any form in 5 years.  It's a little weird.  We went out bad - or more so he did.  And any feelings I had left over that fateful Christmas party where washed away with two very expensive martini's thrown back shot style and his fateful head rub to the horrified looks on my coworkers faces on the other side of the table.  Dr A went down in those flames, not the ones he should have gone down in - the no marriage, no kids, 15 year age gap flames.  Funny I always let them lose with the simple things.   Boy who Played the Guitar also pops up on FB and when I see the rare photos of his wife it reminds me that there is no way in hell I would sing the words of Adele.  Maybe it's a good thing I will never want or have to - make me wonder if I haven't loved enough.

Exhausted

Oh Lord

My last building Christmas party was not a disappointment - sh*tfaced-ness all around.  No I didn't do that - there was no gin to be seen so no one got lucky.  After my first two champagne, things were getting tipsy and then followed with a glass of white wine at which time well I would have said yes to just about anything - so I cut it off there.  But others didn't and at the end of the night - the wine was flying and so were comments that even drunk I doubt I would make.

In the end, the big surprise was showing your cleavage and doing your own french twist - not perfect but pretty damn good ensures that no one, not even a bitchy wife of an owner makes a comment about why you're single.  Well actually the drunkest at the party did ask.  And I told her the truth - figure you might as well - I told her I was seeing someone - actually no I didn't because that's a lie.  I told her (as I am sure she would have remembered if she wasn't drunk) that after being engaged to CEF and the joys that brought - that in the end I would rather be single than have a douche on my arm.  She surprisingly didn't accept that - should have gone with Option A... But alas she was drunk and I can pray she remembers nothing.

As for me the carriage has become a pumpkin and the dairy I consumed has decided to curse me out so I'm off to bed to pray that the pain ends.

Hmm

Some days I feel like I should have a lock on my computer - no public sharing while processing thoughts.  But well those who know me know that my belief is filtering doesn't work for me - I'm a talk through it person.  Problem is that as you talk through things your mind can change... alas that's why blogs have the gracious thing called edit, though life doesn't.

My old blogs exist in cyberspace but because of CEF they aren't public, so you'll have to trust me on this.  I went through an "online dating phase" from December 07 to about March 08.  I talked to 3 guys during this process - I know large selection huh - anyways not the point.  The first one started to creep my out - ended that one.  Second one - S, well that was going well and then one day it came unhinged.  He held up a book and I was shocked.  I was shocked that a person I though I was getting to know was actually a completely different person.  But heck that wasn't the end of it - in the end we were completely different people... so anyways we'll leave Three for another day.  But the point is S got engaged yesterday, we are oddly still FB friends...  I feel ambivalent about the whole thing.  He's happy, she's happy and I sure wasn't still holding anything for him - well see here's the deal.

I think I want to be single for now.  Sounds crazy I know.  But after AB I just feel like I'm not up for the drama - all the wondering what he thinks or feels or if it's even truly true.  I believe it has to be simpler, a hell of a lot so.  Thing is I feel like life keeps reminding me that only parts of this whole like, dating and then love thing is simple - the biological chemistry part - the #%)^@ part that starts and you're left wondering what the hell is going on.  I know it won't take long to arrest the reaction.  Question is what do I gain by cutting it off?  What is there to lose by not shutting up and shutting it all down?




Yes I know another Florence + The Machine video - but I love her, the lyrics keep surprising me:

've fallen out of favour
And I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees
And I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis
Out of windows too
Fell in your opinion
When I fell in love with you

Oh-ooh (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

Oh-ooh (repeated)

This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
And again (x15)

I'll dance myself up
Drunk myself down
Find people to love
Love people too drunk
I'm not scared to jump
I'm not scared to fall
If there was nowhere to land
I woudn't be scared
At all (x4)
All (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

You're Pregnant!

In the last few weeks I've found myself thinking about the topic or having it appear in the weirdest of places.  Take last Friday for example, I said to Ms. J, "Speaking of the human body," she interjects "You're pregnant" "Um no we're only celebrating one immaculate conception this year and it ain't mine"... the conversation proceeded to talk about the Scar Project's I'm Not A Pink Ribbon campaign, which I LOVE.   Later that evening as I was putting my delicates away I caught sight of the HCG text box that is still in a drawer a year later... what the hell it's still doing in there I don't know, I don't plan on needing or even wanting to use it anytime soon.

There was a time in my life I thought I really wanted kids, but well I know that for one times a ticking but at the same time I know despite my previous beliefs that I'm not willing to choose to be a single mom.  If it happens then it happens and I'd have a great community to support me.  Even still I know it's a hell of a lot of work and I don't know if I could do it day in and day out alone-ish.

For now I rely on the days like today where even my boss asked for a Valium, when the ridiculous tantrums and hours of screaming as free birth control.  They get me past those moments where I really really want a baby and don't care if the dad will ditch me. It is these screaming times that make me wonder that even if everything lined up - a husband, stable home etc would I have the patience for it all.  It's funny I always thought I would be a mom, but when I look at my mom friends and their downs more than ups, it makes me really wonder.

Eww

I'm camped out on the couch, starting to pray that I can get back to running, but alas the joy that waits 28 days give or take has decided to sidetrack things.  If I'm trying to avoid being washed away in the inches of rain and the wind storms, then it something else.  And at the same time trying to convince my PMS brain that there is nothing in the house - seriously nothing - well that it wants - I stopped buying flour and bread products about two months ago as part of my anti-candida kick, I am GF/DF so chocolates and the like aren't in my house... but it doesn't mean that the sight of them isn't causing me to lose my head.  I must survive, the pain of gluten is a pain far far worse...

Ready, Set, Christmas!

Christmas can start now.  Well I actually started it on the weekend when I was procrastinating from my paper - the cedar door bow and lights are up (about all we have room to put up or store), the Christmas list is being fashioned and the work Christmas business is almost done - sweet Baby Jesus I'm so happy.

But of course this isn't a simple Christmas - my PU has started dating, while I would like to tell him to finalize the divorce first, I know he's been living alone for almost 3 years, so whatever.  She sounds nice - Catholic high school principal... so anyway there was this part about me not wanting to go away this Christmas, I think I do, someone want to take me in?  As long as you live in a climate similar to my wet coast one I'm good...

But you will be proud of me - seriously Ms J and I are throwing a New Years party - how's that for planning ahead - woot us, but even better I opted to not invite AB at all.  Yep even though I know he'd likely not come, I figured it was high time to start leaving him off the party invites.  AND I replaced him with an invite to Mr. Bombastic - ah what the hell.

So it will be a Christmas season of change, I'm down with that, as long as someone make a pass by with some mistletoe.

Photo: A gorgeous pair of pumps I'm only going to look at - because I don't need anymore - Ms. J thinks they're hideous, I guess she's not getting them for me for Christmas...

Just What I Needed

I am not a huge fan of Christmas music, beaten, battered and mutilated beyond recognition most times.  I prefer to listen to this kind of music - it shows just how amazing ridiculous talent combined with fun and creativity can be - their Lady Gaga cover is far beyond hers.  If you check out more of their recordings just look at the crowds.  Men who sing well (and be funny) can be dead sexy.

In Lieu of Writing - Exam Season

I love her music, it's brilliant, she has lines like "no right minds can be wrong so many times...." This song has a haunting quality that somehow isn't depressing - this song was done by SYTYD - and yes that interpretation is painful and dark.  But anyways - I like her and I love what she did with the video, and also quite frankly the fact that I can easily sing along to it doesn't hurt:

Sorry but Bah Humbug

I love the idea of Christmas, the reason for it and all that.  I do not however like everything that comes with it, specifically the end of semester stress/exams (WOOT me last class EVER at my undergrad institution tomorrow - beyond excited about that), the decorating the office (was in at 7am today to do that before patients came), the cards - 200+ form cards to be stuffed, labeled, sealed and mailed along with 40+ hand written cards to all the offices in our similar line of work (all of these are signed by ALL our staff), add to that the buying and delivering of dozens of gifts to the support workers and related businesses, building Christmas party and gift exchange (a nice one so you actually have to shop for it),* our office staff lunch, scheduling of holiday hours, the changing of the voicemail (THE WORST) and the list goes on.  Most years I'm so freaking exhausted that I do my personal shopping last minute or while I'm on hold at work...

So if you come into my office and I'm covered in metallic labels and glitter and cursing  (like I was today), just turn around - don't you dare wish me a Merry Christmas until December 23 at 4pm - then you are free to do so - we and more importantly I am not on call, my phone is off and Christmas is over and the real celebrations have just begun.

*Goodness - the whole dress, shoes, hair business so I can stand next to free booze and not drink because I'm in a position where I cannot be intoxicated - bat shit craziness I tell you - and on top of that I get to hear for the whole night about what I'm doing wrong because I'm still single - if we're going to have that discussion I need 2 martinis stat - one for me and one for the front of your dress - REALLY?  Yes I've heard this theory on more than one party occasion.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ell-kay/4171283748/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Love Love LOVE

I am in love with Florence and the Machine, truthfully completely captivated by her voice, her movements, her art as a whole. I couldn't get enough of her (and Lady Antebellum) while I travelled this past week - this song though is not on her amazing cd - so I feel that I need to share it.  I know it is a cover, but sometimes the reinterpretations are better - this is one of those cases. 

Just a Little Note

If you are wondering what the whole alphabet run down is just look to your right *point to right* Blog Boys/Girls will give you as much insight as I can offer

Marriage

BI is engaged.  The boy who said he would never get married found someone he wanted to get hitched to.  I could be sad - that was one of the reasons we never dated - but really it was only one of the small reasons it didn't work out for us.  In the end I am actually thrilled for them and their family.

Why?

Because it reminds me that men when they find that person are happy to commit.  When they aren't just bidding their time or using you to fill a void.  CW has this problem with her man who keeps saying he'll do it when the time is right for him.  See the thing is - it seems like the time is never right and honestly it might never be.  She might wait and wait and wait and he'll never be ready - because he's a man-child like AB or because she's not the one to make him realize that life without her is not a life fully lived.

In the sea of commitment phobes and man-children BI's action reminds me there will be someone who's willing to take risks to make sure I'm his.  I just have to develop some patience.

For AB-sake!*

I have just returned home from Philadelphia after a week away - returning home to rain, snow, ice and well winter.  I am not overly thrilled with it - but it is here and I have to deal with it I guess.

I have a confession of sorts - while I was in Philly AB texted me.  I have to say I've come to the point in our relationship/friendship where if I could there would be plates and other breakables being thrown at him in these moments.  It's like he knows when I'm bemoaning his stupidity or something.

"Hey just thought of you... Sorry if it's late but just wondering how you are? :)"

Options for this statement:

1. He was drunk and "lonely" - because I just looked at the calender - the 23rd was comedy night when he goes out with his girl-frenemies (skanks I prefer to be enemies with).  Oh sad little boy. 

 My response since I know Ms J wants to make sure I didn't have a brain malfunction while running.

"In Philly at the moment, did NYC with my dad yesterday and the race went good on Sunday, all and all going good.  Hope you are doing good with work and all, we should catch up in December when I am done class."

No response from AB - for one I know December is his drinking month - how else can he stomach turning 32 and have the life he has - well that's my understanding of his drinking.  So I don't have to worry about catching up.  My question is when did I become his booty call?  Since when was I like one of his harem.  I am beginning to wonder if men have this once mine always mine to reclaim belief - I know CEF did and now AB is starting to act like it.

Oh well thought I'd keep everyone updated with this sad story - and on that note a song I think that you, TOITB will appreciate - so maybe you can get one of their songs stuck in your head and learn to hate it like I hate their really popular song who's name shall not be mentioned.




* I think you know what I mean

Chemistry

Chemistry is a funny thing - you think you have it and you don't or you don't expect it and it shows up in the weirdest places.

Chemistry used to baffle me - not the science - that I was completely down with.  When I look back at the men in my life I find that interpersonal chemistry is nothing like the science.  You cannot combine two elements which you know should react and think you'll get a reaction - Sodium and Water do not a reaction make when it is people we are talking about and inert gases are apparently no longer stable.

I remember this clearly after my date with MW - he said quite plainly - he didn't feel a spark.  If I had been honest nor did I.  But the suggestion that a spark was more important than getting to know me hurt.  I've come to realize that is not what he meant at all.

I had no chemistry with CEF - one more freaking thing that was wrong, so very wrong with that relationship.  But moving on.  I had sexual chemistry with BI to the likes I don't know if there will be again - but we were not by any means meant to be.  I didn't have chemistry with OM, BV or a whole lot of the others until AB.  That threw me for a loop. I remember standing at Miss 60's party and wanting to pinch myself - wondering what was going on - there was something about him - something I hadn't known in my life.  Oddly I had that this past week and it reminded me that as much as I have had my stuck moments with AB - that there are others out there that will make me feel like it just fits, like it is someone who I could talk with for hours etc.  Which is why I just keep plodding on, chemistry can happen in surprising places, maybe it is like inorganic chemistry - you just have to keep mixing until you discover something new and beautiful - like a cobalt compound (cobalt chromium blue).

PU's and Dating

My PU, as he's referred to around here, and I have an improving relationship but it's not conventional because I never was a "conventional daughter." I was the take care of my brother, make dinner, do homework, serious child.  I didn't like boys (in my PU's opinion - but I did think boys were cool just so we are straight on that) and boys as far as I believed would never like me.  I never went on a date in high school, kissed a boy (had to wait until 2nd year of university and I really should have waited longer) and I went to grad/prom alone. 

I have no issue with this being my teenage story because the guys I went to school with were my friends - in the end I preferred being their friends and still being their friends, like BI.  Given that arrangement I think my parents got lulled into the perception that their daughter was either asexual or like a Disney Princess who being single her whole like miraculously stumbles upon a man of good moral character and breeding and in 10 to 30 minutes accepts a marriage proposal and it's all said and done.  Yet neither is the case - and they've had their struggles with that.  Some in part was my "fault."

Dr. A (My Mr. Big) was the first man I brought home in any respect - he was 15 years my senior and we weren't formally dating.  My parents didn't quite know what to do with themselves.  Thankfully for them he skipped town with a coworker.*  After that it was CEF who was thrown at them more or less - a hey so I'm getting married, here is my fiance and that's the end of that.  Well that policy was stupid, flawed and in the end caused so much strife that it was the final straw in my parent's marriage - August 08 was fun times all around our home.

So... after months and months of therapy etc - see previous posts for all the therapy reasons - my DrBrain says you need to start dating.  WHAT?!! I don't date.  I do the Disney princess and fall into a perfect relationship.  Apparently that is not how things work.  So I started with OM.  My PU didn't know about OM, and why did he need to - OM was a bust**.  Then came AB and simultaneously BV and then AL, BB.  AB in the end was the only one he ever knew about. ***

So what is the point in this sharing moment.  Well my PU doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge their were others, other than AB AND that there will be more in the future and I have FB and Dr. C to thank for all this.  No Dr. C and I are not or ever have discussed that topic of dating - but the presence of a man has left my dad scratching his head.  I guess to him I'm his little girl and little girls don't talk to boys.

Note:

*I hold no malice to either - they are perfect for each other, though for their reputations/friendships sake they could have done it differently if they had wanted to.

** PU knows now, stupid FB, I had at the long discussion about the Olympics had to spill how OM and I knew each other
*** He has never met AB oddly enough

Photo : http://www.flickr.com/photos/focus_in_mind/2328162855/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Attn: East Coast Women

You apparently are not aware but you have an eligible bachelor in your midst.  Seriously.  I know everyone says all the good ones are gone but I believe while there might not be huge quantities left - there are some.  This one is even a doctor to be... kill two birds with one stone er shinny rock - snag a good guy and get your mother off your case for all the years you dated those emo man-children/aspiring *cough* er going nowhere musicians.  Who?  Well if I handed you his info then how would I know you worked for it.  Silly ladies, he is out there - keep looking and I'm sure you'll find him.

Hint - He comments on here once and while

So I am Here Again

I had the privilege of hearing a local writer speak today as part of the class I am in.  She echoed what Arundhati Roy says about writing - we have a duty to occupy a space where there is under representation or the wrong representation.  I have known that about my life story - I know I need to write it out as there is a significant under representation of the long term effects of abuse - the fear, the anxieties that always seem to sit just below the surface - there but not.  It has been a really long journey to this point - 2 years and counting.  Some days it still breaks me, some days that which is always under the surface is not happy being unseen.  Today is one of those days.  Oddly enough I had Make it or Break it on while making dinner, and this song came on.  I started to cry almost instantly.  I am a crier in many situations - this one though surprised me and maybe it's all the stress of school and packing finding their release.  But...

I felt like it was not just that, it was more.  I run because running is my way of reminding myself I am up to the challenge - what I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger.   It reinforces the positive belief I can walk away from the pain of the past, and walk towards a future where I know myself, where I know my strength, my value, my beauty as me, my uniqueness.  I know those on the surface sound superficial and vain.  But they are not - they are the things that we all deny ourselves.  We whether we are abused/abuse survivors and just going through life - we - men and women, deny ourselves the sacredness of who we are, of our voices, of our journeys. It also reminds me I can do what scares me.  It is like a flashback of the last two years - pain and fear can be overcome for something beautiful even if you want to puke from the anxiety when the gun goes off - it is a slow process - it is a process that is so so worth it.  I find it hard in these moments not only to remember the above, but to remember the distance - the growth, the goodness in the journey.  The demons I still carry can be my muse, they can be used for my good rather than my harm... Yep so while I go off to have a cathartic cry I leave you with some profound lyrics:

Slim Pickings

Sorry folks there is plenty I want to cover but given that I think my brain might just implode on me before I get everything accomplished I am not sure that spilling out whatever is functioning of my brain here is a good idea.  But alas I am here.  No man update - right now I am really happy ploding along without one.  I know that's the standard mantra - but actually here is the deal - I enjoy getting myself back to me and me has to be the focus right now.

I am almost finished undergraduate studies of any form and I have just a paper and a take home exam in between me and that finish line - and now as I type that out I have the incentive to really pump out my paper today.  So freaking close I can taste it - and I don't give a flying bleep what my prof thinks of my paper (ps she hated the last one - WHATEVER *in a whiny teenage voice*), again I will say SO CLOSE. 

I leave to Philly in T minus 7 days, actually technically less - AND I booked myself tight new week - great! just freaking great! Oh and that paper is due next Wednesday.  So on that note - love ya all I'll blog next Thursday when there is nothing left to do but make a major run to Shoppers at 11pm to stock up on beauty supplies.

"She Likes Boys Who Are Real"

My lovely aunt/godmother just emailed me in preparation for my upcoming trip to see her with my dad.  Apparently in the course of a year my cousin has gone from being obsessed with Edward (yes THAT Edward) to realizing there are boys who breathe and do not sparkle.  Wow this is going to be interesting, because I kind of liked her obsession.   I felt I needed to share that giggle.  But to the point well lovely folks I have one paper left to do and I am in the crunch time for training, eek. So... while I LOVE sharing all the drama in my life like AB and Mr. Bombastic I am seriously stressed out with the daily actions of life.

PS I gave in and bought jeggings I think I should be shot

I Might Miss My Job

One of N's co-workers came in this morning
Me: You're a vision in pink and purple, like...
N-CW: Barney
N: More like Doctor Barbie"
Me: "Actually more like Scrub Barbie.  Doctor Barbie comes with stilettos, a mini skirt and a stethoscope, those you don't have.

Maybe it's not that funny but I'm going to miss some of the girls here - most of those are ones I don't work with directly... *sigh* but truthfully those feelings diminished pretty quickly when the server this morning decided to be a pain in my ass, the heat is being screwy and I'm exhausted and it isn't even 9:30am.

So I met with the other PU and she's well like Margery Kemp and I guess that is always the way it is going to be so I'm just going to have to get down with that.  The things that I thought she would be negative about she wasn't so heck that's a plus.  But the life-like Margery K isn't really working for me - she was enough in literary format.  Oh well, I guess that's life, it could be worse. 

Like... realizing that John Mayer is the head deity in the Man-Child religion - I have been listening to Taylor Swift's Dear John song on endless repeat, why I don't know to be honest, but the lyrics remind me of AB.  Yes we can question if it is about JM but really it is whether she says it is or not.  So know that I've come to that realization I'm not sure how I benefit - does it mean that man children can renounce their beliefs, does it mean that they can convert later in life - because if that is the case how do I screen for that? Oh why John, why do you need to keep seducing the all the cute talented men over to your dark and twisty but oh so cute cult?

Oy Vay

I have one parental relationship right now - I am happy with that relationship.  I know he's lonely (they're getting divorced) but well that's a detour I'm not going to take right now.  I don't have a relationship with my other parent for many reasons, many long and complicated reasons but she is determined to have one with me so tomorrow night on a night I would rather do a million other things I am going to be going out for dinner with her.  To be honest I feel like this whole week is becoming a epic stress test for my not so happy body.  I have dinner tomorrow night, a play the next night that I was desperate to get out of but now due to an art show I went to on Saturday night with my PU, I am forced to go to as there are people who will call me on my no-showing if that happens - boo.  Wednesday is running after another budgeting meeting, Thursday is yoga and holla Friday is get out of town day - when am I going to be sleep, training or getting this damn paper done - that I cannot answer.  Well folks on that note I'm going to try and fall asleep to Sports Talk Radio (bet you didn't see that coming)

Highs and Lows

Good News!

I got into the graduate program I applied for, I am excited and terrified all at the same time.

Bad News!

My chronically defective immune system which I had hoped was on the mend has returned to it's chronically defective self and once again it seems I have a throat/ear infection.  Like dude, immune system get with it, seriously.

I Really Should be Sleeping

But apparently my brain feels like it needs to spit something out into the beautiful world of the interwebs.  I have a discussion with CW on Friday, as I was trying to not keel over from my gluten intake,  it appears she doesn't believe in a real true love.  I know there isn't "the one" and I'm not going to ever argue there is only person for everyone - but I do believe that there are people/relationships that are healthier - ones that actually project forward.  Relationships where the guy despite all his talk actually does something to tell the world that you are theirs. CW is not in that kind of relationship and well we all know that I'm not either, that's for sure.  But you know what, I've seen it, I know it exists.  I know that the ones with backbones and feet over head exist - so I'm going to wait.  Yippee more waiting.  Part of the waiting game that I'm finding frustrating is not that I'm not dating at the moment - I've got enough on my plate.  It is that there is this belief that I will be "lucky" or "successful" once I enter seminary.  Yes folks because there is a large number of single men who are liberal, of a similar heritage and love to run roaming around a tiny seminary. It frustrates me.  But before I frustrate you back to the topic of Mr Bomastic a mutual friend of ours posted this picture on FB.  I think it is priceless, especially given the whole discussion regarding his "it's complicated" status.  Regardless of whatever he does to my GI tract - I'm over it.

29 before 29 Revised

I had a moment this week where I realized that Mr Bombastic might actually factor into the list and well maybe that reason I need to dust it off... See number 10 and no I did not label him in preparation for this list... Ms. J has promised to help me assess the situation.  Anyone else have comments to add to the situation and or the gaps on the list.

1. Apply for Graduate school (write the General GRE and Subject GRE) - I will not dignify this with more than one spot.
2. Dye hair blond and cut short - thinking pixie short but I hate growing it out from that length, it's the devil.
3. Make something with squash blossoms
4. See at least two VIFF films Ms. J and I due to various reasons are only seeing one this year...
5. Run 5 marathons races since I started to get sick running hasn't been super high on the able to do list but this could be an option
6. Get a professional massage, and no not that kind of massage... btwn my acupuncturist and my ball Hatha classes I get massage enough
7. Go to The Diamond, try a new signature drink - ie. not vodka based, and if it is gin based I will hand over my Blackberry for the night.
8. For an equal drinking/class experience go here for my birthday Went for my anti-anniversary celebrations
9. Plant a mini garden and try not to kill it basil died but the oregano and mint still survived
10. Use the word bombastic and/or find someone bombastic and get their number
11. The above will be done at either 7 or Shangra La's bar - which I've been dying to go to... alcohol is a theme here, oops. In my brilliance booked the staff Christmas lunch at the Shangra La's restaurant.
12. Dance somewhere - flash mob would be a safe place... I have a fear of rhythmic movement and rightfully so.
13. Have a body part waxed
14. Get another tattoo (I want a really big one, though I will likely settle for something small again)
15. Make homemade marshmallows for Christmas gifts - you better act surprised y'all.
16. Get a short story published... it's in the works, it is I promise
17. Give a random stranger on the T a bouquet of flowers
8. Learn to drive - my parental unit insisted on this today
19. Learn to read French
20. Take a beginner tap dance or ice skating class
21. Invest in a Jo Malone fragrance - which I might add are PRICEY and hard to come by on this side of the Atlantic
22. Take someone to NYC
23. Go to a US College Football game
24
25
26
27
28
29

Not Right

I marched into the Interfaith Center today an hour before my meeting - I knew doing so would increase my chances of seeing Mr. Bombastic, but I did not to actually see him and secondly I really did not expect the weird emotional response. I had butterflies and the related shyness when we acknowledged each other.  Dude, self, not okay.  I have no desire to know why I had those butterflies.  All I need to know is when they happen the calm, confident adult female I am goes AWOL.  Boo to all of it.  Hopefully next week the feelings will not remain. Why?  Because to be honest I would rather flirt with him, enjoy that banter and leave it at that, he's in an "it's complicated" space and I'm in I want to a relationship and if I can't have that then I will take just the superficial flirting and leave the rest space.

Since it was mentioned...

So I found Mr. Bombastic, finally, I will not divulge how long I spent trying to figure who he was, and of course when I found him, I completely remembered his name... Not important though. He's in one of those "It's Complicated" places according to his FB status (yes he added me - silly fool). So what does that tell me or us.  Well I for one am not a fan of the "It's Complicated" status because it says we are too comfortable/dependent on each other to cut the strings but we want to/need to. I as a whole have mixed feelings regarding FB statuses.  I for one have nothing posted, I think my lack of pictures with a male or a wedding ring or really any of those things says enough, nor do I think it is really anyone's beeswax if I am single.  However, and I stress however, sometimes I understand why it is an option.  I have a friend of mine who I lost contact with in the MySpace to FB transition.  I know she is/was married as a friend of mine used her photographer for her own wedding.  However this individual has no recent pictures of her husband, does not wear a ring and doesn't use her married name apart from her documentation (we are in the same department at school).  She is not the only person who appears to be in a separation/divorce, and well you do not want to assume anything...

Anyways Mr. Bombastic is also Mr. It's Complicated and I have far too many of those in my life, we more specifically AB as a friend has filled that It's Complicated space and I am not seeking any new applicants.  Well it was fun for that little while.

So the song is not relevant but it is a visually beautiful video and the song is not bad either, you know these days anything other than that damn Lady Antebellum song works for me.

The Wonders of FB

Well thanks to FB Mr. Bombastic has a name.  Finally.  And I know that he's not a pre or even just slightly post fetus.  But he is taken.  Such is life.  And now on to begin that paper I've been avoiding.

Bleck

I promised myself many many years ago I would never post an "I hate my job" or even worse "I hate my staff" posting.  But well, *ghdfgireotraogh* does not even begin to cover the frustration that I feel.  I have been sick for the last week and I return to this attempted mutiny in the works from my most frustrating staff members.  I do not have the patience for it. I do not have the patience for drama period.  But alas here I am with drama and a case of the blahhs already as the waves of work and school starts to roll in faster.  Fun times.

Slowly...

I am slowly working my way through the novel I'm supposed to have finished for Wednesday, at this rate it isn't going to happen, I am also slowly trying to figure out how if at all to have semi-consistent contact with AB and not be mad at him, or how about slowly learning to hear and swallow again, and there is also that paper I really should get done sooner rather than later.

But you know what I find myself thinking about in the down times, other than diasporic theories or how long I can wait before running again?  Mr. Bombastic (referenced here and here). What? Who? WHY?! Oh Lord WHY?! Is what I assume your response would be.  To be honest I never thought that I would have given him a second thought in class, never mind after it was over, but I stumbled upon him in a group event on campus.  This said group event changed how I saw him and now I'm confused.  Now I know he's likely the age of a marginally aged/matured fetus, hell everyone on campus is compared to me.  It is his self involved, for lack of an alternative term, bombastic nature that appeals to me.  Not in a you'd be a fabulous person to date because you aren't completely into yourself and you are kind, open and compassionate kind of person.  No purely because I would love to know how self involved he is, the plague of man-children infecting this globe has me seriously curious.  The problem is I have labeled  him as Mr. Bombastic in my head and I actually have no idea what his name is. Yes I might have stared at the back of his head for 13 weeks, and the front of his face for those 13 weeks while waiting for the bus, but I don't know who he is... thus no FB stalking... *sigh* I really wanted to  devote time to FB stalking Mr. Bombastic...

Regardless, I should get back to Pretty in Pink and clear my mind of everything I should be working on.

Sick again...

For the love of pink Louboutin's I am sick again.  There are small pluses - it has taken me a week of fighting before I resigned myself to antibiotics.  But on that note I'm going to be in Gravol induced coma because I know what these antibiotics do to me.

Hi All

So it seems in recent weeks that I've picked up a few lovely new folks.  So to those following or those lurking in the Interweb's shadows. The run down here is quite simple:

1. Everyone gets a nickname - there was a time in my life where I had my name and everything out in the open along with the names of Ms. J and well anyone who would grace these posts.  Well then CEF and a few other crazies caused me to shut down my old blog.  I actually stopped blogging for about 6 months which is a lifetime for me.  Then my shrink thought it was time for me to start dating, so here we are.

2.  What's up with the names?  Well L or HHMNERP (Hot Hot Married Native Ex Roomie Princess) as she prefers to be called started up the naming game when it came to naming boys we would see around town but didn't know their names - the very first one - Boy I Know My Mother Would Hate... I still see him around town.  The names protect everyone and makes everything else a little more kosher around these parts.

3. Check the right column for the run down on the names.

4. Who am I?  Well you can think of me as whoever you want - sorry no details, I've learned the less you really know the more protection I have - goodness it's like I am hiding from someone...

5. Comment - let me know what you think - I am always open for a swift kick or more preferably a laugh.  The large majority of these posts are written out of sheer humorous frustration.  I'm seriously not cranky and bitchy all the time, well unless you're one of my employees... just kidding.

6. Last but not least all my followers have pretty fabulous blogs, check them out.

White Horses

I am going to keep playing this song on permanent repeat for the next two weeks, or longer if I need to.  AB texted me.  Goodness *sigh* a year after telling me he didn't want a relationship and now this, texting to check if any white horses have come into my life.  You know there is a lot of NLLL language I want to scream at him.  But I think we all know that amidst that frustration and heartbreak in the process of healing, is that like of hard to shake unconditional love.  The kind that boys like AB know how to milk for all its worth (there are a lot of girls who know how to do that say).  But regardless, I am going to be feeding AB next Thursday, apparently his jobless self is in some serious money problems and he's going hungry and has a shitty roommate.  To which I feel like saying dear, you totally got yourself in this mess and your damn pride is going to keep you there - referencing the roommate and job fiasco.  As to me, I know better than Taylor, I've put the months in and stared that the unused pregnancy test in my closet (why, what? and all that - bought two when there was that whole scare last year), I know that he's not my future, regardless of what he might want.  But I don't need to ramble on, Taylor is able to say it better.

 

Hmmm

Well I am no sicker, but no healthier.  My acupuncturist insists I'm paranoid, to which I feel like saying lots of things which would support her statement.  But regardless I'm off to bed, sleep and more sleep seems to be the only option.  But when I am awake I'm listening to this lovely lady whose MTV Music award performance caught my full attention.  Wow to the song and running in those heels...

Damn Immune System

I have almost completed my second week of ramping up for marathon training, and what happens, well first I have my timely visitor and then my left lymph node decided to start moaning this after.  WTF.  I am not getting sick already.  Seriously if I do, I am going to be demanding someone do something.  No one be them 20 or 80 (I'm neither) should be so chronically feeble.  Anyways, it doesn't help that AB posted some pictures on FB, one was a candid of me looking pissed off, which likely was what I looked like most of that frustrating evening...

Gah, is more the feeling.  Like yes I want to remember getting all done up, including some fabulous hair, like seriously fabulous hair, never mind everything else only to be socially shunned by AB for the long train ride out to the end of the line.  The party itself was a bust with AB getting drunk on gin, and then I suffered (sober) the long ride home with him trying to figure his drunk ass self out, he was handsy one moment and cold the next. And then I almost was stuck cabbing it home because there was only one bus out of town.  And since then it's been the cold shoulder.  Which I take as  I (AB) totally know I shouldn't have tried to feel you up but then again it's what happens when I consume gin and stand to close to you (me).  Lord do I know.  Note to me - stay clear of AB and maybe just add another few miles if you hear he's cracked the Bombay.

So maybe I should be thankful for the pissed off candid shot, a daily reminder to him of my passive aggressive hatred for all his man child ways and maybe just his behaviour in general. 

To which I say self, get thee to bed, focus on the pain in your throat and not the one in your side.

This post is brought to you by the letters D, I and T

D is for done, as in my to-do list that a month ago seemed large enough to be daunting to this Type A, To Do list junkie is almost complete.  Yes all I have left to complete is the purchase of a memory stick for year end and dropping off my winter coats at the dry cleaner. Yes this to do list completion means my application for graduate school is done.  Yep, done, done, done

I is for itchy, itchy, itchy.  I know my PU insists that my "intolerances" are all in my head. Some days I would like him to be in my body when I choose stupidly and have dairy or whatever.  I'm itchy, puffy and overall not happy, so why I had that piece of cake I have no idea.  Seriously no idea.

T is for trolls and technology.  The trolls of the interwebs annoy me, just as I am sure the bridge trolls would have daily annoyed me in a previous life, you can be reborn in another century/universe but you can never escape them it seems.  I am getting to the point where I am trying to consistently stop feeding them because the only thing that silences a troll is starvation, despite their taunting.... blerg

And as for technology well I have a craptastic Blackberry from Rogers and after weeks of tweeting, emailed and such like they were suppose to call me at work today to discuss my phone because discussing anything about my Blackberry on my Blackberry is not going to happen, because as I said before it doesn't work... did I mention I hate Rogers and Blackberry.  This is my 4th and it still doesn't work, which prevents me from working at home.  I never thought I would say it but I'm SO tempted to get a land line.

Sigh

So I did it, finally signed up for a dating site, not Match like I had considered before. It was the one that I met MW and Farmer Boy on actually. And while I have absolutely no expectations, being at the recent cultural event has made me feel like I needed to go back to this site and give it one more try of looking within my community. That and well we all need the drama around these parts now don't we?

I promise I will do my reading...

considering my laundry is on its way, the errands are done, I went for a short run and the house is tidy and all I have left to do is update my gluten free blog... this day has been productive.  This song came on the TV as I was getting finished in the kitchen - the topic of love and loneliness seems to be floating around the interwebs today, and I know that this song may not be uplifting per say but I still think it's pretty great, and well the harmonies are pretty fabulous too.

I love this song too

First Week Back

Blerg

Work and school and year end do not mix, just like beer and hard alcohol do not mix, apparently.  I am tired.  I have about 100 pages of reading to do for Wednesday and a paper to start researching.  I started yoga again after almost 18 months away from class, I am sore - like can't blow dry my hair sore. And on top of all that my boss left for three weeks in Australia and handed me year end to do by myself sans accountant (sweet!).  So while I should have been having a glass of wine and trying to save the world with Ms. J last night to recover, I was an hour out of town with my dad, aunt and grandparents at cultural relief sale.  I love the food, the smells of a lot of the glutenful food I can no longer eat and the relatives, the millions, okay so that's an exaggeration but it felt like I was related to about 50 people I had no recollection of meeting, though they remembered me.

Regardless, that's not what you want to know about anyways, so MW was there.  The last time I had seen MW in person was 2006 when we had our failed date.  In recent times I have been subject to a night of sexting, which I will say is totally a gag worthy experience - not a turn on boys, unless and it's a strong unless there is actually some history between the people.  After our failed date I scrubbed him clean out of any category that would permit sexting.  Eww, again, did I say eww yet.  Well I pushed past that after shutting him down quite clearly that I am not that kind of girl.  You know the kind that intentionally goes for the friends with benefits, and for the record we really aren't even friends.   So anyways we BBM occasionally, almost entirely during hockey games... So running into him accidentally made me want to turn and run.  No one wants that kind of awkward moment in front of the grandparents who are wondering why you are their only single female grandchild, or for that matter the only single one of marrying age, since the other two don't count. 

But that wasn't even the worst part, it was an evening of attractive men, all married and toting around kidlets.  Ms. J knows my frustration, I am trying to find someone who is of the same cultural background but they are rare in the city and even rarer to be single over 25, let alone over 30.  So depressing.

I have arrived at the point where I do not want to date anymore, its too damn complicated, I need an arranged marriage.

Writing

First of all I should be writing my personal statement for my application - that act has been an epic fail and should be the mission of my weekend, though somehow I think it will not be.  I have though slowly chipped away at my to do list - only have crying on the phone with my cellular phone company to do on Wednesday (long long story made short my craptastic Blackberry Pearl phone portion has never worked despite being replaced 4 times yep, 4 times)....

Ms. J was over for dinner tonight, as we do every Friday night, eat and try to plot methods of saving the world from disease. Seriously.  Actually it's a game - Outbreak, but yes that is what me do.  Well today we ended up talking about an older topic, my writing and fabulous life I've had to this point.  Why?  Well LMDTB has been in need of advice about her 20's.  Here is the deal I don't have advice but I do have the hindsight of age and it's this - don't follow my life.  Deep and insightful, no?  Actually it is - there is more to it of course.  Like don't fall in love with a BI because that while in theory is a good idea - I mean he is not a bad choice, it's a "it's not going to work choice," which I guess is a bad choice in some respect.  But there are bigger lessons like stay away from crazy boys and men who should know that dating someone 15 years younger is a desperate attempt to reclaim their youth and so on and so forth...  In the end though isn't life about making those mistakes.  About the personal experience and knowing that you know yourself and what you really want?

A part of me wants to send her forth and say go make every conceivable heart breaking mistake you can make because it will teach you what you want.  But in the same respect it's a horrible thing to encourage in any format given I know those night and days even of crying, pain and all that mess.

Any advice you would pass on to your younger self? 

Interesting...

It seems before I have even had a chance to go towards the altar, there are a heck of a lot of my friends who are moving away from it.  Running, leaping, surging head long towards divorce court. Many I really did not think would.  I realize 50% or more of us will chose that option.   I also know that I am not in any position to judge because if for some bizarre reason I conned my better self down the isle to marry CEF, the big D and I do not mean Dallas or Delta or Dubai would have been our destiny.  I just find it interesting, perplexing and well sad.  I guess this only means now I will be likely getting hitched at about the same time the wave of second marriages happens.  And that my friends is even harder to get my brain around.

This erks me...

AB has on more than one occasion recently texted me in response to a practical text that he's thinking about me.  Dude, I wanted to know if you wanted the reject jar of marmalade in the staff room, not how you felt about me.  The time before that it was in regards to Avatar: The Last Airbender's non-suckingness - though to be fair that is only because I totally heart the show.  Again I get an I've been thinking about you.  About what pray-tell?  About my awesomeness, about my key lime pie you are never going to get again, about what? About how you broke my heart?  About how I or say any woman who isn't teeming with disease is better than the company you've been keeping this summer?

But maybe you should actually consider thinking about - growing up, about the bridges you have burned and those you should, about how your ex who you are still hung up on cheats on every man she has ever been with... maybe in your old age of 31 going on 32 in mere months you should consider adulthood and not me. 

Photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/55396233@N00/3953332914/sizes/l/in/photostream/

Not So Sure

Yes I'm going to be a Gemini and in this moment play both sides of my heart and brain. Last week I was going through old FB messages trying to find L's address. I didn't find it, but I did see the subject lines of a lot of other messages namely those back and forth to AB about this time last year. Nostalgia wasn't my first feeling, it really was one of questioning. How did it all happen and how did I get here? It really just seems like another lifetime. Sure I miss him. But I know that feeling is a missing of a feeling, of a person, that he isn't and one that I sure as hell shouldn't and couldn't make him to be. So yes I miss him. I guess more specifically I miss that rush of feelings, those feeling of I want to kiss him, does he feel the same way and yadda yadda. The butterflies. The new love business. Despite the long list of crushes and pseudo relationships before him, even with CEF all those feelings were really new and exciting. So here we are a year later. I have been single since November when AB imploded, or maybe he just imploded. Sure I curse the eHarmony ads, and have stopped my application to Match because I just can't do it.

Yes I despite the fact that it seems my friends are getting engaged or even shot-gun esque married in rapid succession I still believe that it will happen in it's time. And yes I'm as impatient as they come, but it is what it is. I don't see the point in wasting my time dating someone in the hope of feelings I know won't be there because they aren't that person for me in the first place. Make sense? Maybe not. Oh well.

Pour Me a Drink...

and then pour me another one.

I don't know if it is the epic to do list I have set before myself to do in this between semesters time, the full moon (crazy at work) or the fact it still has been too hot to run and I'm getting really soft and bitchy.  But this week has made me want to turn off my phones, pour a large glass of something strong and hop in the tub and shut out the world. 

As such I will not pass on my cranky/stressed self on to you but I will share this lovely lady.

Advice

This week @Jesusneedsnewpr posted a blog about teenagers, and specifically asked if there was any advice you would give teenagers. After spending 3 years of my life dealing with teenagers I will say I have no advice. Yes that's right, I have no advice to give to teenagers. I think we blob them all together, we don't and wouldn't generalize 20-something's to the same degree we do with teens. However, that being said I feel like this "give advice" positioning is one I've found myself in more and more. I can give advice about all sorts of fun topics like surviving abuse, therapy, running marathons and ditching your fiance. All fabulous and useful topics - oh so very useful. But in all seriousness there is some advice I would like to pass on to my former teenage self since I've been thinking about it.

1. Remove the pole from your backside. Now I know that sounds harsh, and you're probably appalled (my former younger self that is), to which I say oh honey I made it sound nice for you so accept it.

2. Now that the pole is out, breathe, if the concept of a deep breath is hard for you, take a shot of whatever Dad has is the cupboard in the kitchen - that might help. Okay, now - did the world fall apart? Seriously, did it? No I didn't think so. You're so wrapped up in the gluing of people together. You HAVE to fix EVERYTHING. But here is the deal in fixing them, or hiding their wrongs to you, you will disappear. If you are going to hell in a hand-basket you seriously need it to be hell for them too. Yes that could mean your parents divorce (they do - way later on unfortunately), it will mean you will tell all those deep dark soul consuming secrets and no it is not fun, not fun at all - but the nightmares stop.

3. So I am aware I am making you panic. All that need to fix and perfect and control will slam up against life. I am sorry but it does - so what to do about it?

Grace - not the person, she's lovely but no, give yourself grace. Failure will happen in this life, I know that's a shock. Sorry dear but nothing is going to stop you from failing at a lot in university. It's okay you avoid AP. You'll fail at a lot in life - like moving out, saving, dating, even trying to get married. The shocker is that it's ALL okay and those failures are a good thing.

4. Now I know that didn't help, I've told you your parents will get divorced, you can't control the world, your secrets will be revealed and you'll fail at a hell of a lot. So now you are wondering where the positive side in not ending it all before you were 16 is. Well dear. If I told you the good stuff it wouldn't be as sweet...

5. Actually I know that isn't fair but you aren't going to believe me anyways. Where to start... the boys. You like boys. Boys are good, IN THEORY. You have a tendency to chose the shitty ones, not the bad boys, just the real lame ass screwed up ones. I would tell you to avoid them but I know you won't... so let me give you some advice.

Don't spend time alone with Lawyer Boy - he might choke you with his tongue, I came close to exiting that way - it's gross, he's lame and he's an oh honey no.

So about BI I know you've felt chemistry with him since your first English class together, oddly things sort of come together and yet don't. I will tell you why because you won't realize this until years later. You really were in love with him. Shock, I know. It's okay things ended up good for him. I know he was scary, you just weren't ready to open your life to someone you knew you had a lot to lose with... But I will say at least give the guy a hug, sometimes boys need more than your baking - and no that is no euphemism.

Mr. I Have a Guitar - Oh why do you go for the ones who are messed in the head? He wants a barefoot in the kitchen girl - and yes I know you love to cook barefoot, but you and I know that is not what I mean - you are not that girl. Just because he can sing and play the guitar, it does not rectify a massive pile of sins.

Mr. Big aka Dr A - Oh honey - this one will hurt, I don't know what to tell you but this will hurt, oh and you'll be fine.

You know I don't know if we are going to discuss Mr. Ex-Fiance (CEF) - because here's the deal you aren't going to listen to me about all the stuff before this - and he brings the greatest shit storm you will ever know but he contributed to the person writing this - enough said.

AB - Run, oh girl run, yes you'll love him like you did BI but it isn't worth it because he doesn't love you seriously, seriously. Though actually maybe you should stick around for that kiss you'll have one hot August night on his roof top patio downtown. Yes, stick around for that, but don't wear the blue dress.

But enough with the boys - friends - girls before well I'm not going to finish that unfortunate phrase though it might be true...

N and you will survive her whole not marrying A and eloping and well I've revealed too much - that whole part about grace - share it while you're giving it to yourself. 

Ms. J is more fabulous than you will ever know, and I know you and her are really different but you need her. Really, really need her.

The rest of the girls from high school, you judged right.  I know this sort of let's you get away with that self righteousness.  It doesn't.  But they want something different out of life and ya'll are just really poor at articulating that now.  So let them go off to school - paid for by their parents, get married young and have lots of babies.  Why?  Because that's their business.  It doesn't affect you.  Just like their getting divorced before their 30 doesn't affect you either.   Move on, even if they don't or won't.

I could go on, but what I will say to end is give your dad a break, it will take you over a decade to see he has loved you all along, and it will hurt and be hard, but that part about grace - give him some too - he does really love you.

In closing young me - breathe, relax, don't work so hard as you'll find your 20's come with gray hair, wrinkles and black toes(you ran that marathon you set out to do) - it comes with pain, but more importantly it comes with GRACE, LOVE and MERCY - so accept them with tears and breaking and give them without attaching all your shit.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fernandosanchez/2273862344/sizes/z/in/photostream/

NSFW - I guess someone shares my love of R.Bradbury

First this is NSFW, but then really is this blog for the most part, shouldn't you be working at work, unlike me... anyways I love Ray Bradbury. But not quite like this, however I should note I'm reading the Illustrated Man and I believe that Fahrenheit 451 is possibly one of the best books written in its continuing relevance and reverence of print culture. While we are on the topic of NSFW apparently some of my favorite books are on the banned book list in the US (I heart Google), to which I say one WTF, why are we banning books? And since when did Wide Sargasso Sea and Love in the Time of Cholera rank worse for ethical content, than the works of Chaucer and Shakespeare - who I will note are not banned. Let's see rape, dead children, war, divorce, remarriage and cannibalism all come to mind at the moment, never mind cross-dressing and homo-social relationships. No those are all okay, because what child can read and understand these works or they are "classics”? Vanity Fair is a classic and Becky is a spoil, demon of an adulterous woman but hell whatever. Goodness if anyone thinks a 12 year old is going to pick up Rhys or Marquez and understand it well they should be rewarded, hell give them Lady Chatterley's Lover while they are at it because it was so damn boring and the sex scenes so ludicrous that I wanted to poke my eyes out, so if they finish it I promise they'll never want to read again. Anyways to more humorous content.