I watched Ms. J get married yesterday to an awesome man - seriously awesome and it was full of joy and hope and all the other amazing things and in a small way it did hurt my heart and yet thankfully it didn't really - the joy was a blessed covering over it all. However, once the party ended the real work, the real work of getting into the rough part of the break up had to begin. And so I started my steps.
Step 1 - Sweat the bastard out of my pores on a dark dance floor, in the company of safe people. My toes are brutalized but that was absolutely necessary.
Step 2 - Be awkward. I am fully, maybe too much so, okay with making others awkward as I am awkward. I will take a conversation to that point etc and I am happy to be awkward in my love and devotion. I'm also apparently down with making myself terrified for a moment while being that possibly cruel person sitting on the fringes of LG's life (this morning literally in church) and poking every so often is a hey NLLL'er, remember me, I'm not going to fade away, I'm going to make you, when I'm damn ready look at me, know me and know that you didn't break me but that you also were an asshole to me - maybe those words you said will ring in your ears like they do mine. On that note I will likely not continue attending, it took too much work to make him disappear from my line of sight while knowing he could see me. I am happy with being a nagging presence on my own terms, I don't need him getting any stealth cornering moves up and yes if you're wondering I was calculated enough to leave his keys at home. I am handing those back on MY terms
Step 3. Stock up your house-sitting with good soul nurturing food and some bad stuff - help ride the waves AND FLOWERS.
Step 4. Being affirmed in the blessed company of amazing new friends and an old one and have the words of affirmation from a female pastor, reminding me that in my Mennonite and social justice ways I am not a heretic for affirming that we must consider socio-economic (and race) issues in violence/war, birth control/family planning and just shalom. Shit is real peeps, and being a white Canadian middle class educated woman means I don't really know how real the shit is but I'm under so illusion that it smells nice, that's for sure.
Step 5. Go to sleep, knowing that AE (and KAB by proxy) will be present to support and love through the possibly brutal process of handing back the keys.
Showing posts with label dysfunctional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dysfunctional. Show all posts
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Step Back - She's Going to Blow - Part 1 of Many on the State of the Non-Union
Which is a helpful warning that I'm going to be venting here rather than sending him NLLL word laced emails about what the NLLL is wrong with him.
Quite frankly as someone very used to one side of the counselling chair and a little on the other, I know he's got issues - hell we all do and I know that those are present right now, like his inability to own his own shit and so it's mine to deal with.
Case in point - and yes this will come as a surprise to some of you. We struggled with maintaining the line of "intimacy" which is polite language for sex. He has in each of his dating relationships and I guess I have too but well that's ones more complicated but whatever, lets just for the sake of owning things call it equal.
So we knew it would be a struggle, we started on the same page verbally but alas that didn't work - so needless to say it happened. We talked about the fact that while he could I couldn't ethically etc. we trying to work every angle of how to structure the relationship back to non-sex land. It did eventually work itself out and then abruptly in January he started asserting the other boundaries. My stuff was no longer welcome, my drawer started to thin out, my food was no longer welcome and things changed. I figured that the lack of sex was the issue. Well I couldn't change that but figured we would ride through that.
Turns out the issue wasn't the lack, it was that there had been any at all. I am a grade A slutty harlot who stood between him and Jesus. And you know what I'm going to own that - not because I agree or that I am but if you cannot own that you initiated the majority, that you wanted that kind of a relationship than that's your shit but you cannot put it on me. I have mine to deal with and I own it as un-proud as it makes me feel.
I'm not proud - it was hard and having both of us effectively live alone didn't help - boundaries you are a challenging beast. But I will not be shamed or blamed.
Quite frankly as someone very used to one side of the counselling chair and a little on the other, I know he's got issues - hell we all do and I know that those are present right now, like his inability to own his own shit and so it's mine to deal with.
Case in point - and yes this will come as a surprise to some of you. We struggled with maintaining the line of "intimacy" which is polite language for sex. He has in each of his dating relationships and I guess I have too but well that's ones more complicated but whatever, lets just for the sake of owning things call it equal.
So we knew it would be a struggle, we started on the same page verbally but alas that didn't work - so needless to say it happened. We talked about the fact that while he could I couldn't ethically etc. we trying to work every angle of how to structure the relationship back to non-sex land. It did eventually work itself out and then abruptly in January he started asserting the other boundaries. My stuff was no longer welcome, my drawer started to thin out, my food was no longer welcome and things changed. I figured that the lack of sex was the issue. Well I couldn't change that but figured we would ride through that.
Turns out the issue wasn't the lack, it was that there had been any at all. I am a grade A slutty harlot who stood between him and Jesus. And you know what I'm going to own that - not because I agree or that I am but if you cannot own that you initiated the majority, that you wanted that kind of a relationship than that's your shit but you cannot put it on me. I have mine to deal with and I own it as un-proud as it makes me feel.
I'm not proud - it was hard and having both of us effectively live alone didn't help - boundaries you are a challenging beast. But I will not be shamed or blamed.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
Brene Brown
Sunday, November 17, 2013
So You Know When I Said
"That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways"
I think I was wrong *winces again*
I think I was wrong *winces again*
I think dumbfounded might be a better term.
So let's back this up before we get ahead of things.
I have been on shitty dates, a lot of shitty dates. This was in and of itself in comparison by no means a shitty date and I don't mean it wasn't shitty because my spanx and hair did what they needed to and he paid for a fairly expensive meal.
No, I mean like good conversation, good body language - he's a wee bit of a messy eater but hey nothing a little grooming won't fix. He dressed well and looked good. Opened the car door. You know thinking about this I said to AE or probably more so she to me - there is a massive difference a few years makes in a how a single man treats a woman. I know my coworker thinks that I need to be aiming down age wise because they'll be better at sex longer (not sure why that's a foundation to build a life long relationship on but whatever), I'm much happier with someone who knows how to carry themselves.
He talked well, he's well read. He's smart damn it. And smart is a good way to get into my brain. Brain is the route to my heart and from the heart well you can continue that thought wherever you would like.
He does have some little red flags - I get the sense he wants to get the ball rolling quickly. He seemed a little confused that I had to do my residency outside of my area - a little confused/concerned. I tried to minimize this a little - stating there was some flexibility. He seems to be a little sensitive on the money front - in the he has it and talks about it and coming from myself and a family that is decidedly middle class and I'm sitting at about the poverty line - I don't discuss money, EVER.
The date details/laugh highlights/annoyances:
I think the staff that the nice restaurant we were attending were a little surprised to see us together - I felt like I was being stared at, like I've done in places, trying to figure out what the NLLL is going on between two people.
The waiter said hi to him, recognizing him and then to me when he realized I was new, stated, "Last time he was here it wasn't with a lady" AWKWARD.
He let me have a view of the city, though I did spend the majority of the time looking at him. (Sidetrack: FYI men, your profile pics should be flattering because his is beyond unattractive compared to him in person - he's not gorgeous, I'm not claiming he's whoever your idea of hot is, but he's not unattractive and I'll leave it at that because I'm still confused about what is going on here)
He walked behind me - this totally weirds me out because all I can think about is posture, stand talk, don't fumble in your heels and oh god how does my ass look, those spanx better be doing what I need out of them.
He did hold all my stuff as I put my sweater on and then helped me with my coat. DAMN it young one's that's how you do it. You hold a lady's purse and help her with her coat.
SO NOW WHAT?
Well we have another date on Saturday to go to the theatre and I've been awake the better part of the night trying to figure out why I'm still smiling and what on earth just completely blind sided me while waiting by my phone.
WHAT THE HELL
If you're wondering about the other date with the other match - it's this Thursday evening after work in a coffee shop.
Saturday, November 09, 2013
Like Clockwork
Every time I bitch about the Douche he redeems himself. After grumbling that the man couldn't find his balls or his spine long enough to just decline the offer, and then of course on Friday after I had told HSBFF in no uncertain terms that despite her belief of a lot of repression but there could be good underneath that she was wrong, he finds me in the atrium and starts a casual conversation. I initially was all:
Like seriously do we need the pretense, you're a douche and there is no way around that and then he "apologizes" and declines the offer, which for some reason unknown to me I said sure well let know if anything else looks interesting... like NLLL let it go, he's never going to be truly decent to you. He's always going to make you want to through something at him and whether it's a plate or yourself it's not going to go down well. You're just going to find yourself doing this and raging inside.
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
CEF and the Douche...
A few weeks ago as I sat in Florida I started this post with the following and then realized I was in the company of children and didn't want to have to explain my language choices.
"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."
So the thing is the name is going to stay.
Why?
Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.
The message in case your wondering,
"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."
I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.
I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.
As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.
So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.
And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment:
"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."
So the thing is the name is going to stay.
Why?
Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.
The message in case your wondering,
"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."
I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.
I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.
As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.
So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.
And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment:
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Dating and Targets
I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.
In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.
And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.
Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.
I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"
Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.
In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.
And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.
Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.
I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"
Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.
Friday, February 15, 2013
I Could
Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.
In feeling like:
Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...
In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.
I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.
I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.
I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point
I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,
Just not at this exact moment.
I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.
In feeling like:
Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...
In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.
I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.
I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.
I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point
I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,
Just not at this exact moment.
I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Scratch That
Why?
Well there are a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with the name related to them and more so as I'm listening to Bruno Mars and tweeting - you know all the important things you should be doing when you have a paper to write.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single.
I've actually only been officially dating someone for one in my whole life. One in the almost two decades when it apparently counts that you have someone in your life.
The funny thing is I have lots of people in my life that I love and that love me. If anything all these years of digging around in the shit of my life has fertilized that amazing gift - amazing people. They fuel me, they wrap their arms around me, they cry and laugh with me. And they do it every day of the year, not just on the one day that roses reflect a fraction of the worth of relationship - sexual or otherwise.
So while I could ruminate over the desire for a good snogging - heck we're all there at some point, or multiple occasions in the 365 days of the year, not just a specific day. But in the end, like I've said before about relationships - the good ones, the good ones are the ones that fuel you - they're the ones that make you feel like you're dancing on rainbows or whatever happy is to you. To me, I imagine it will be equal to the day I find a gluten free doughnut that tastes like a real doughnut. Fatty dough fried in more fat and topped with sugar you are my idea of brain explosion, knicker dropping kind of love. Yes I have weird standards, but considering that gluten free baking is still a little meh, that's my Everest.
My point?
Tomorrow if you want that snog or you just want to kick the boy you just found out is dating a classmate because your friend found out in a very accidental and awkward way remember this too shall pass and while we're speaking of passing things I'll hand you the chocolate or the wine - your choice because I love you and heck that's got to count for something, even just a little something.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpaxonreyes/5442938096/
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
In My Very Finite Wisdom
... there was a moment of lapse or collapse or something of that nature, because at this very moment I am sharing a table in the library with the Douche.
*sigh* or *head desk* I'm not sure which one applies at the moment.
He's out of my system, sure I would love to know what is under that crusty and often frustrating personality, but to be honest the desire to know that is rivalled with my desire to smack him upside the head with the text book in front of him at the moment. And while most days I'm not all that ladylike, I would like to believe I am lady enough at this moment that I will not do that.
So there we have it, we know where things are with le douche and now RB is dating someone and according to FB, BI is un-engaged. The world doesn't make sense. Well it sort of does but not really in regards to the last two mentioned.
I am sure that my single-ness is not a horrible thing at this moment. Not that I really considered it a horrible thing ever, but I can say for sure at this moment, while I might have a desire for human contact and all that comes with relationships I am also equally comfortable where I am.
*Postscript* I was hit on by two separate men tonight, one was older and hot but so not appropriate and the second was younger and drunk. The universe apparently has a really warped sense of humor. But I realized in all that, that religious men have the pick up skills equivalent to the drunk dude, who was seriously plastered... *sigh* staying classy home town I see.
*sigh* or *head desk* I'm not sure which one applies at the moment.
He's out of my system, sure I would love to know what is under that crusty and often frustrating personality, but to be honest the desire to know that is rivalled with my desire to smack him upside the head with the text book in front of him at the moment. And while most days I'm not all that ladylike, I would like to believe I am lady enough at this moment that I will not do that.
So there we have it, we know where things are with le douche and now RB is dating someone and according to FB, BI is un-engaged. The world doesn't make sense. Well it sort of does but not really in regards to the last two mentioned.
I am sure that my single-ness is not a horrible thing at this moment. Not that I really considered it a horrible thing ever, but I can say for sure at this moment, while I might have a desire for human contact and all that comes with relationships I am also equally comfortable where I am.
*Postscript* I was hit on by two separate men tonight, one was older and hot but so not appropriate and the second was younger and drunk. The universe apparently has a really warped sense of humor. But I realized in all that, that religious men have the pick up skills equivalent to the drunk dude, who was seriously plastered... *sigh* staying classy home town I see.
Saturday, January 05, 2013
Online Dating, I hate you.
I have opted to try out EH, and after it took 45 minutes of my life I will never get back filling out its survey, I seriously wondered if all the laughing at its stupidity would outweight the annoyance of it all.
For a moment it did.
Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match. I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.
Here were some of the deal breakers.
Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.
Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career
I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...
EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...
Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...
I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.
Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.
For a moment it did.
Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match. I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.
Here were some of the deal breakers.
Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.
Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career
I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...
EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...
Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...
I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.
Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Dating, shmating...
I have decided that I have zero sound judgment left when it comes to dating, hell I've been considering asking out the Douche. To even consider is evidence enough that while I'm not in the active dating circuit (as evidenced by my lack of dates), I best not enter it any time soon.
That being said, I am aware that I have lost my sound judgment, I also feel like this is where I will have to start when I restart the looking process.
I am also tempted to say that I might consider another dating site in the future, a paid one this time in the hopes of ensuring that as I agree with Ms. Amy that I do not end up the dregs in the pool again. So there you have it, in the season of mistletoe and booze, I'm pulling myself out of the line-up.
That being said, I am aware that I have lost my sound judgment, I also feel like this is where I will have to start when I restart the looking process.
I am also tempted to say that I might consider another dating site in the future, a paid one this time in the hopes of ensuring that as I agree with Ms. Amy that I do not end up the dregs in the pool again. So there you have it, in the season of mistletoe and booze, I'm pulling myself out of the line-up.
Friday, December 07, 2012
How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?
I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Musical Moment
AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot. I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly. I love it, even though it makes me a little sad. And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
So Maybe I am
A little bit of a prude. I prefer to call it decorum. I think there is a range of permissible behaviour when it comes to engaging with people. I was talking with JS about the girl who drapes herself all over RB. Yes it annoys me but she's also almost a decade younger than me. There are lots of things I did differently a decade ago, some of that was being willing to allow for more transgress-able body space. The problem I found was when you do that your actions and the actions of others are easily confused or misread. You become a flirt, a flake and your emotions, your feelings are suddenly invalid. Now I don't agree with this but when I did behave like this the boys I liked were happy to reciprocate with the hugs etcetera however when it came to discussion of actual interest it was often rebuffed with we're just friends sorry you interpreted my gestures as more or how was I suppose to know that's what you meant, you do that with everyone... It made me realize that being overly free with how I define my friends and those I like can be a double edged sword for me. So I did end up swinging the opposite way with BI being possibly too rigid, and so in recent years I have been more flexible. Hugs are fine if hugs are a universal. In other words, does he hug everyone he knows, then yes hugging is fine. I was fine with that for OM, AB and X. Beyond that there is no beyond that. I know that some are more flexible but as it stands RB and I are in an almost rigid stand-off when it comes to anything, and there could be lots of good reasons for it. I think one of the top reasons is we haven't put out on the table where the other person stands. There was a distinct time in the late fall that I was sure he was developing some sort of feeling, that we were going in that direction but I put the breaks on as hard as I could emotionally which I am sure was conveyed physically in some way or another.
Why? RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me. He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on. And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process. And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest. So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you. Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain." Or maybe FB message. Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew. Yes it's back on.
Why? RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me. He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on. And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process. And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest. So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you. Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain." Or maybe FB message. Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew. Yes it's back on.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Life is Weird
I think we all know that, but I mean some days I seriously wonder about things, like how we can wander around so close to amazing things happening and then tumble into them. I would love to tell you all about the amazing day I had, unfortunately no work has come out of it, and there might be some in the future, but it was a good connection day. Good, good stuff - no men stuff in that good, good stuff - yay me, doing healthy stuff for me stuff.
And then this evening as I groan about the status of things on-line while chatting with X, I felt like reviewing our little Blog Boy listing and thinking about who is where and who should be crossed off for other purposes and I paused at DB's name. It's always been one I've struggled with, primarily because he's been in many ways the mythological man in my life who has in the past represented all the things I wanted, or thought I wanted. I haven't had that feeling for a long time, basically since I started therapy and realized that I needed to fall in love organically, none of this make a list shit. But that doesn't mean that DB of make a list shit fame doesn't in some small way haunt me in rare moments like this. So what do you do when someone haunts you and is well not actually dead. You Google them of course! And according to the brilliance of Google it turns out DB and I are practically neighbours! How after living in this neighbourhood going on 6 years have he and I one never run into each other in the only freaking grocery store for like miles and miles (doesn't this always happen in the movies) and two weird. Even weirder is he's like two blocks away from this good connection I just made. I kind of feel like I'm being prepared to exorcise this haunt. I do not feel like I've been prepared enough other than to not freak out when the time comes to do the deed and release it all. Cryptic and weird - yes. But I think that's what happens when said person was the entirely unattainable hot older brother of a shitty friendship that you really only held onto for said older brother. It's all NLLL, but yes we are talking about me and men so that's not so surprising now is it.
And if you're wondering if I'm going to start running past his house, goodness no, quite the opposite.
Again unrelated music - but it's awesome, so there.
And then this evening as I groan about the status of things on-line while chatting with X, I felt like reviewing our little Blog Boy listing and thinking about who is where and who should be crossed off for other purposes and I paused at DB's name. It's always been one I've struggled with, primarily because he's been in many ways the mythological man in my life who has in the past represented all the things I wanted, or thought I wanted. I haven't had that feeling for a long time, basically since I started therapy and realized that I needed to fall in love organically, none of this make a list shit. But that doesn't mean that DB of make a list shit fame doesn't in some small way haunt me in rare moments like this. So what do you do when someone haunts you and is well not actually dead. You Google them of course! And according to the brilliance of Google it turns out DB and I are practically neighbours! How after living in this neighbourhood going on 6 years have he and I one never run into each other in the only freaking grocery store for like miles and miles (doesn't this always happen in the movies) and two weird. Even weirder is he's like two blocks away from this good connection I just made. I kind of feel like I'm being prepared to exorcise this haunt. I do not feel like I've been prepared enough other than to not freak out when the time comes to do the deed and release it all. Cryptic and weird - yes. But I think that's what happens when said person was the entirely unattainable hot older brother of a shitty friendship that you really only held onto for said older brother. It's all NLLL, but yes we are talking about me and men so that's not so surprising now is it.
And if you're wondering if I'm going to start running past his house, goodness no, quite the opposite.
Again unrelated music - but it's awesome, so there.
Saturday, June 02, 2012
What Have I Done?!!!
So in light of this whole profile business I must post this which seems to be the story of my life these days. Not me sleeping around, but I've sort of, shall we say marginally, come to accept that I am going to be the "slut" of the school. Personally I hate the word, I wouldn't use it on anyone, but it seem in my very conservative school that because I'm a woman with breasts who does occasionally have cleavage or my shoulders bar that I'm scandalous. Even further to that scandal I'm a feminist who uses birth control which according to a very interesting but ultimately sad conversation with DirectoryBoy, who if you remember is a medical doctor, birth control is only for promiscuous women. Yes you heard me. I guess I haven't been using mine to its full potential.
Primarily because I love this site: http://editorrealtalk.tumblr.com/
Monday, November 22, 2010
Ever Feel Like...
The bed is empty?
I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have. I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me. But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB. I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time. When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person." While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.
PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song
http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/
Monday, May 31, 2010
Bah! Eck!...
So BB was super nice to me this morning bailed me out of a jam with regards to I failed at my payroll duties thus leaving me without the money to pay for coffee etc this morning... so I was going to repay him with money and some food since BB has been so generous. Problem is... BB being nice and me being nice back because that is the polite thing to do, is also the most efficient way to send mixed signals. Now Houston we have a problem. The kind of problem that makes the can of baked beans I ate not want to stay in my stomach.
I will say I have no problem being rejected, I can totally work with that, as I being a grown woman I know how to process it's not you it's me bs and I get it - I can deal with that. I however can't be that woman to say it's not you it's me - because in the case of CEF and BB and others it has been them. BB is sweet, but he's one hell of a broken man and I am not in the business of sewing hearts back together and weeding through more bs, lies and all sorts of issues in the hopes of finding someone who is able to walk with me through life. I can't do that - I tried to do that with CEF, but knowing that I can't talk to another man, go out with my girls for the fear that I might talk to a guy. Sure a little jealousy keeps the passion alive and all that shit but in the end - that which burns red hot has a tendency to consume the bonds of trust really quickly. Anyways I digress I was really really hoping that BB's departure for a far far away continent to work would make my life easier but I guess not...
I will say I have no problem being rejected, I can totally work with that, as I being a grown woman I know how to process it's not you it's me bs and I get it - I can deal with that. I however can't be that woman to say it's not you it's me - because in the case of CEF and BB and others it has been them. BB is sweet, but he's one hell of a broken man and I am not in the business of sewing hearts back together and weeding through more bs, lies and all sorts of issues in the hopes of finding someone who is able to walk with me through life. I can't do that - I tried to do that with CEF, but knowing that I can't talk to another man, go out with my girls for the fear that I might talk to a guy. Sure a little jealousy keeps the passion alive and all that shit but in the end - that which burns red hot has a tendency to consume the bonds of trust really quickly. Anyways I digress I was really really hoping that BB's departure for a far far away continent to work would make my life easier but I guess not...
Thursday, May 06, 2010
BIG PLANS
I am hoping by emphasizing the title that it will:
a. Encourage me to embrace said plans
b. Provide justification when said plans make me feel lazy or overwhelming
Ms J is heading south this weekend, so I am on my own. So what should S&P do while unsupervised? None of those naughty things you might think, I would think of doing because I'm not thinking those things you are thinking I am thinking. Oh no no no. Actually I was considering a massage or a pedicure but those would only truly be wonderful if it wasn't so horridly cold here still. Mother Nature has decided that because she was kindly cruel to us during a winter sporting event that can't be named for copyright reasons...winter should still be upon us... You might think I jest, but every day I look at my light winter coat and wonder if I should wear it or not, I usually don't and then spend the remainder of the day cursing my choice... Anyways we are no where near the disclosure of my plans...
1. Make ricotta cheese. I don't know why I feel the compulsion to do so, but I do and oooooooo... brain wave I can make lemon ricotta muffins with it - now that really is a must do. (Check - Ricotta done and in fridge - PS So easy I don't think I will ever buy it from the store again, muffins done - they're okay - not like the WF ones which is a good and likely bad thing - the recipe needs work)
2. Update the food blog
3. Go for a run on Saturday morning and Sunday morning - ie. get out of the weekend funk business of staying in my pj's until the arrival of Ms. J or my PU compels me to bathe and change. (Saturday - done...)
4. READ. Read, read, read - and maybe study too. Now that I'm in this class I am grasping the necessity for me to get my studying self rolling again. It is as most students know, like a train, the progress starts slow and once it warms up it's normally good, now it does get derailed but I'm going to do my best to avoid that... or WRITE - those MFA programs are starting up a siren song... but to apply I need a polished piece - ie. one solid chapter in a book - eek. (SUCCESS! - Chipped away at Vocab, Lit and Verbal - and started Catch 22 - sorry Ms. J I think I might have accomplished more that I have studying with you... or maybe I just feel better - the sun helps)
So there lovely folks are my plans. We shall see, we shall see.
So musical selection - oddly enough I love to write to a beat and so this is one of those songs that I can really get mentally spewing to:
a. Encourage me to embrace said plans
b. Provide justification when said plans make me feel lazy or overwhelming
Ms J is heading south this weekend, so I am on my own. So what should S&P do while unsupervised? None of those naughty things you might think, I would think of doing because I'm not thinking those things you are thinking I am thinking. Oh no no no. Actually I was considering a massage or a pedicure but those would only truly be wonderful if it wasn't so horridly cold here still. Mother Nature has decided that because she was kindly cruel to us during a winter sporting event that can't be named for copyright reasons...winter should still be upon us... You might think I jest, but every day I look at my light winter coat and wonder if I should wear it or not, I usually don't and then spend the remainder of the day cursing my choice... Anyways we are no where near the disclosure of my plans...
1. Make ricotta cheese. I don't know why I feel the compulsion to do so, but I do and oooooooo... brain wave I can make lemon ricotta muffins with it - now that really is a must do. (Check - Ricotta done and in fridge - PS So easy I don't think I will ever buy it from the store again, muffins done - they're okay - not like the WF ones which is a good and likely bad thing - the recipe needs work)
2. Update the food blog
3. Go for a run on Saturday morning and Sunday morning - ie. get out of the weekend funk business of staying in my pj's until the arrival of Ms. J or my PU compels me to bathe and change. (Saturday - done...)
4. READ. Read, read, read - and maybe study too. Now that I'm in this class I am grasping the necessity for me to get my studying self rolling again. It is as most students know, like a train, the progress starts slow and once it warms up it's normally good, now it does get derailed but I'm going to do my best to avoid that... or WRITE - those MFA programs are starting up a siren song... but to apply I need a polished piece - ie. one solid chapter in a book - eek. (SUCCESS! - Chipped away at Vocab, Lit and Verbal - and started Catch 22 - sorry Ms. J I think I might have accomplished more that I have studying with you... or maybe I just feel better - the sun helps)
So there lovely folks are my plans. We shall see, we shall see.
So musical selection - oddly enough I love to write to a beat and so this is one of those songs that I can really get mentally spewing to:
Friday, March 26, 2010
So as to that list...
Right now we are going to have to see about that list. See things are what they are - I am fatigued, itchy, etc. So this weekend other than my agreed upon party - I am going to be removing the small rug we have in the kitchen/living room as well as opening up the window and trying to clean/air out things more than they normally are.
Aside from that I'm trying to ditch the soy and reduce red meat, basically take on a Ayurveda diet for Vatta-Pitta. Now I know that it sounds off, but it is at it's root a simple whole foods diet that suggests preparation of certain foods - i.e. for me warm cooked foods are better, and I know that, I know I feel a million times better after a warm kind of mushy meal than a salad despite what's it in the salad. I'm ditching the soy because it's an allergen - not for me so far but it can be. Apparently I should also consider removing gluten and yeast as those two are known to cause problems for IBS and chronic hive people like me. Fun times around here - feeling like an 80 year old woman.
Aside from that I'm trying to ditch the soy and reduce red meat, basically take on a Ayurveda diet for Vatta-Pitta. Now I know that it sounds off, but it is at it's root a simple whole foods diet that suggests preparation of certain foods - i.e. for me warm cooked foods are better, and I know that, I know I feel a million times better after a warm kind of mushy meal than a salad despite what's it in the salad. I'm ditching the soy because it's an allergen - not for me so far but it can be. Apparently I should also consider removing gluten and yeast as those two are known to cause problems for IBS and chronic hive people like me. Fun times around here - feeling like an 80 year old woman.
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