Friday's date was a bit of a fiasco all around so much so I'm just going to try and compose myself in bullet points, since I am very much sober at the moment, though I cannot say the same for the last three nights.
1. I showed up on time, he was early and we some how missed each other thanks to the hostess and my trying to be polite by not asking is there a short red haired guy who possibly looks too old to be my date waiting for me. Once I did then I was seated, UGH.
2. It was awkward, he talks a lot and its interesting but sometimes I feel like asking why the hell do you like me, you know nothing about me, seriously, but I know a lot about you and that makes me even more confused. I made it more awkward because well I'm good with that, I asked about the issue of women and leadership and he was expecting a fight, I am more the go ahead and hang yourself type of woman.
3. Walking to the theatre after dinner he kept cutting me off so that he would be on the street side. Now I am getting some serious flack for being harsh on his chivalry and many times it I like it but he seems to be at the extremes (see after the theatre)
4. Theatre was fine, I really enjoyed it, he seemed to panic about the possibility of physical contact, keeping his arms drawn in and crossed, when we did touch shoulders, I could sense his breathing increase A LOT, like DUDE it's my shoulder, it's clothed, I'm actually completely covered except for like three inches on my arms and I have some toe cleavage going one. This isn't even first base by proxy territory. I moved away quickly, no sense giving him a heart attack.
5. After the theatre he walked me to the car, opened the door and we chatted a little and then as with last week, he didn't walk me to the door, and this week unlike last he had an opportunity and missed it, even after he apologized for not doing it last week.
I got dropped off in the middle of the street and the first thing I said to my roommate when I walked in the house after she indicated she didn't want to interrupt anything was, BLOODY HELL WHY WON'T HE TOUCH ME. Like dude I think we've got something but that something is driving hard into the friend zone wall if you don't prove to me we've got something more.
So the next day after 3 glasses of wine I decided to politely with supervision of AE text him to say thanks for dinner (hell I'm still getting free meals and entertainment I should say thanks), I got this epic text at some point in the night in which I was invited over to supervise him making cookies. Sweet? Possibly. I'm just confused.
Here is a successful man, who seems to have had a relatively normal life but he's got some serious physicality issues and he is sending me mixed signals on the gender roles business. And in all this I'm kind of sad that it's all going bust the way it is. I think that actually garners the biggest WTF from me.
So how do I resolve something awkward, by making it more awkward of course. I'm going to email him and lay out the we're totally different people what is going through your brain business and hopefully I'm lonely and horny are not his responses.
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
EH Update 1
Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.
So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.
So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.
The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.
As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.
"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"
Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.
And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.
So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:
Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward
So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.
So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.
The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.
As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.
"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"
Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.
And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.
So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:
Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward
Friday, December 07, 2012
How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?
I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Fashion Advice
I am looking for a little advice from you wonderful people. I have X's graduation and a wedding this summer along with other events. I have learned in my few years of adulthood that there is always a need for a good (solid) dress. What I mean by that is not a cocktail dress (though they are extremely important) and not a cotton summer dress/winter sheath, but that thing in between. I was thinking I had found it and now I'm not sure - behold:
It wouldn't be this colour or this length - but the point is a convertible dress. I was looking at a short deep navy colour. It goes for about $80 on Etsy. For the longest time I thought it was brilliant and now with things being a little crunched I'm not sure if in the end I'm better off buying something from H&M for half the price and either not using the other half or putting it towards other summer gear.
Let me know what you think. I will also say I'm a little apprehensiveas Etsy has burned me in the last little while correction Customs has burned me by holding packages for 3-4 weeks longer than projected on everything I've purchased from Etsy. I do not want to invest in something so crucial not to have it come or even worse look right.
It wouldn't be this colour or this length - but the point is a convertible dress. I was looking at a short deep navy colour. It goes for about $80 on Etsy. For the longest time I thought it was brilliant and now with things being a little crunched I'm not sure if in the end I'm better off buying something from H&M for half the price and either not using the other half or putting it towards other summer gear.
Let me know what you think. I will also say I'm a little apprehensive
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Advice
1. Remove the pole from your backside. Now I know that sounds harsh, and you're probably appalled (my former younger self that is), to which I say oh honey I made it sound nice for you so accept it.
2. Now that the pole is out, breathe, if the concept of a deep breath is hard for you, take a shot of whatever Dad has is the cupboard in the kitchen - that might help. Okay, now - did the world fall apart? Seriously, did it? No I didn't think so. You're so wrapped up in the gluing of people together. You HAVE to fix EVERYTHING. But here is the deal in fixing them, or hiding their wrongs to you, you will disappear. If you are going to hell in a hand-basket you seriously need it to be hell for them too. Yes that could mean your parents divorce (they do - way later on unfortunately), it will mean you will tell all those deep dark soul consuming secrets and no it is not fun, not fun at all - but the nightmares stop.
3. So I am aware I am making you panic. All that need to fix and perfect and control will slam up against life. I am sorry but it does - so what to do about it?
Grace - not the person, she's lovely but no, give yourself grace. Failure will happen in this life, I know that's a shock. Sorry dear but nothing is going to stop you from failing at a lot in university. It's okay you avoid AP. You'll fail at a lot in life - like moving out, saving, dating, even trying to get married. The shocker is that it's ALL okay and those failures are a good thing.
4. Now I know that didn't help, I've told you your parents will get divorced, you can't control the world, your secrets will be revealed and you'll fail at a hell of a lot. So now you are wondering where the positive side in not ending it all before you were 16 is. Well dear. If I told you the good stuff it wouldn't be as sweet...
5. Actually I know that isn't fair but you aren't going to believe me anyways. Where to start... the boys. You like boys. Boys are good, IN THEORY. You have a tendency to chose the shitty ones, not the bad boys, just the real lame ass screwed up ones. I would tell you to avoid them but I know you won't... so let me give you some advice.
Don't spend time alone with Lawyer Boy - he might choke you with his tongue, I came close to exiting that way - it's gross, he's lame and he's an oh honey no.
So about BI I know you've felt chemistry with him since your first English class together, oddly things sort of come together and yet don't. I will tell you why because you won't realize this until years later. You really were in love with him. Shock, I know. It's okay things ended up good for him. I know he was scary, you just weren't ready to open your life to someone you knew you had a lot to lose with... But I will say at least give the guy a hug, sometimes boys need more than your baking - and no that is no euphemism.
Mr. I Have a Guitar - Oh why do you go for the ones who are messed in the head? He wants a barefoot in the kitchen girl - and yes I know you love to cook barefoot, but you and I know that is not what I mean - you are not that girl. Just because he can sing and play the guitar, it does not rectify a massive pile of sins.
Mr. Big aka Dr A - Oh honey - this one will hurt, I don't know what to tell you but this will hurt, oh and you'll be fine.
You know I don't know if we are going to discuss Mr. Ex-Fiance (CEF) - because here's the deal you aren't going to listen to me about all the stuff before this - and he brings the greatest shit storm you will ever know but he contributed to the person writing this - enough said.
AB - Run, oh girl run, yes you'll love him like you did BI but it isn't worth it because he doesn't love you seriously, seriously. Though actually maybe you should stick around for that kiss you'll have one hot August night on his roof top patio downtown. Yes, stick around for that, but don't wear the blue dress.
But enough with the boys - friends - girls before well I'm not going to finish that unfortunate phrase though it might be true...
N and you will survive her whole not marrying A and eloping and well I've revealed too much - that whole part about grace - share it while you're giving it to yourself.
Ms. J is more fabulous than you will ever know, and I know you and her are really different but you need her. Really, really need her.
The rest of the girls from high school, you judged right. I know this sort of let's you get away with that self righteousness. It doesn't. But they want something different out of life and ya'll are just really poor at articulating that now. So let them go off to school - paid for by their parents, get married young and have lots of babies. Why? Because that's their business. It doesn't affect you. Just like their getting divorced before their 30 doesn't affect you either. Move on, even if they don't or won't.
I could go on, but what I will say to end is give your dad a break, it will take you over a decade to see he has loved you all along, and it will hurt and be hard, but that part about grace - give him some too - he does really love you.
In closing young me - breathe, relax, don't work so hard as you'll find your 20's come with gray hair, wrinkles and black toes(you ran that marathon you set out to do) - it comes with pain, but more importantly it comes with GRACE, LOVE and MERCY - so accept them with tears and breaking and give them without attaching all your shit.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fernandosanchez/2273862344/sizes/z/in/photostream/
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Looking Forward while Remembering
It is technically the first anniversary of my un-wedding (though I view it as the second given that I celebrated it last year).
Last year I was still numb. I had just come out of 6 months of intense individual and group counseling. I was getting ready to fly out to a foreign city and put into action what I had been learning about myself and about the healing journey we each individually set out on when we step from being a victim to being a survivor. I have learned many lessons some simple and possibly trite and other very complicated and maybe poorly explained in this context but I will attempt to do so.
1. Eat whatever the hell you want - if at the end of a week of double therapy and you feel like shit already, shoving a Whopper meal in your mouth in attempt to plug the gaping raw emotional hole is not bad. I consumed ice cream despite the pain and the heart burn, I ate because despite the poor nutritional composition of the above, eating is necessary for survival - if it can go in and stay in and possibly make you feel better - that is your focus. This is when I abandoned veganism - cooking for myself was form of self care I wasn't prepared to engage in.
2. Put one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat and repeat again. While this can be your marathon mantra, it's also the mantra of anyone trying to function, living isn't the goal, functioning is. The daily get up, get dressed, get on the bus, go to work, smile (remember to fake it until you make it*), repeat, repeat repeat. Then one day you might laugh, you might not feel completely raw and hollow - like someone has used one of your grandmother's souvenir spoons to hollow out all your internal contents.
3. Fake it until you make it* - my psych's words of wisdom which I live by
4. Your heart is to be trusted - especially if you are a woman. Our hearts are crazy - they love with intensity foreign to even ourselves, we feel deeply - pain, joy, violations etc, we hold our feelings, we have a 7th sense - it's the female intuition - we often refer to it as the mom sense - the one that knows when something is wrong, but it doesn't start when we have children - it is born into us - but we often ignore it. We stop listening to that gut feeling that says no, this is wrong, you are better than this, you are loved - we ignore any or all of those statements. I did and lo and behold I ended up engaged to a man I should never have even entered into a romantic relationship with.
5. There are some men who will insist they are ready for change - they were just waiting for you or they had just started making changes when you came along. This is not good. This is CEF. I will tell you that he hadn't made the changes before and he wasn't going to make them after. He wanted someone to make him feel better for being him - for being the apathetic, broken, alienating person he was. I wanted him to be someone else.
6. What you see is what you get with men, if you are okay with what you see then great be friends. If you love/want what you see (the whole person - insides are more important but whatever you know what I am getting at) then great he's good, he's the kind you spend late nights with - those don't necessarily work but whatever that's for another time and place.
7. Friends - Ms. J and I were friends but we weren't BFF's by any means - she was however my life line. She didn't run at the sight of my pain. Maybe Jennifer Knapp put it best this week on Twitter - and I will best summarize those who speak most eloquently of grace have received it in a profound way. I have learned grace and mercy at the hands of Ms. J - they don't hand out life prizes for this on this Earth, but I know she's got a big one coming her way.
8. Ms. J was only successful because I let her be. Sounds a little narcissistic but it's true I could have gone on the rest of my life not talking but I got to the point where I just did it - sure it may have sounded formulaic to those around me at times - but it had to be a matter of fact act - I had so little energy and my movement forward was where that was going to be channeled.
9. You never know where life is going to take you - let it fill you as you live - NYC, half and full marathon, school, future - life has changed and regardless of the ups and downs it is freaking beautiful.
10. Did I mention you put one foot in front of the other? Tonight I am going to put one stiletto'd foot in front of the other and in the process celebrate the people who through their actions and prayers have got me here.
Last year I was still numb. I had just come out of 6 months of intense individual and group counseling. I was getting ready to fly out to a foreign city and put into action what I had been learning about myself and about the healing journey we each individually set out on when we step from being a victim to being a survivor. I have learned many lessons some simple and possibly trite and other very complicated and maybe poorly explained in this context but I will attempt to do so.
1. Eat whatever the hell you want - if at the end of a week of double therapy and you feel like shit already, shoving a Whopper meal in your mouth in attempt to plug the gaping raw emotional hole is not bad. I consumed ice cream despite the pain and the heart burn, I ate because despite the poor nutritional composition of the above, eating is necessary for survival - if it can go in and stay in and possibly make you feel better - that is your focus. This is when I abandoned veganism - cooking for myself was form of self care I wasn't prepared to engage in.
2. Put one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat and repeat again. While this can be your marathon mantra, it's also the mantra of anyone trying to function, living isn't the goal, functioning is. The daily get up, get dressed, get on the bus, go to work, smile (remember to fake it until you make it*), repeat, repeat repeat. Then one day you might laugh, you might not feel completely raw and hollow - like someone has used one of your grandmother's souvenir spoons to hollow out all your internal contents.
3. Fake it until you make it* - my psych's words of wisdom which I live by
4. Your heart is to be trusted - especially if you are a woman. Our hearts are crazy - they love with intensity foreign to even ourselves, we feel deeply - pain, joy, violations etc, we hold our feelings, we have a 7th sense - it's the female intuition - we often refer to it as the mom sense - the one that knows when something is wrong, but it doesn't start when we have children - it is born into us - but we often ignore it. We stop listening to that gut feeling that says no, this is wrong, you are better than this, you are loved - we ignore any or all of those statements. I did and lo and behold I ended up engaged to a man I should never have even entered into a romantic relationship with.
5. There are some men who will insist they are ready for change - they were just waiting for you or they had just started making changes when you came along. This is not good. This is CEF. I will tell you that he hadn't made the changes before and he wasn't going to make them after. He wanted someone to make him feel better for being him - for being the apathetic, broken, alienating person he was. I wanted him to be someone else.
6. What you see is what you get with men, if you are okay with what you see then great be friends. If you love/want what you see (the whole person - insides are more important but whatever you know what I am getting at) then great he's good, he's the kind you spend late nights with - those don't necessarily work but whatever that's for another time and place.
7. Friends - Ms. J and I were friends but we weren't BFF's by any means - she was however my life line. She didn't run at the sight of my pain. Maybe Jennifer Knapp put it best this week on Twitter - and I will best summarize those who speak most eloquently of grace have received it in a profound way. I have learned grace and mercy at the hands of Ms. J - they don't hand out life prizes for this on this Earth, but I know she's got a big one coming her way.
8. Ms. J was only successful because I let her be. Sounds a little narcissistic but it's true I could have gone on the rest of my life not talking but I got to the point where I just did it - sure it may have sounded formulaic to those around me at times - but it had to be a matter of fact act - I had so little energy and my movement forward was where that was going to be channeled.
9. You never know where life is going to take you - let it fill you as you live - NYC, half and full marathon, school, future - life has changed and regardless of the ups and downs it is freaking beautiful.
10. Did I mention you put one foot in front of the other? Tonight I am going to put one stiletto'd foot in front of the other and in the process celebrate the people who through their actions and prayers have got me here.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Valentine's Day
I have no moral objection to Valentine's Day. Seriously I don't. Weird. I do however have a moral objection to the idea that there will be a man some day in my life who will believe it is important. It is not. It is important that he remember my favorite colour *cough* pink *cough* or my favorite flowers (rose, peonies, tulips, freesia - any are good choices) etc, remember things I like etc. But you know what? I like those things year round. Like a big vase of pink tulips randomly arriving on the muckiest "winter" day around here would be more amazing then a singing card and a vase of overpriced roses (near death)... I know I'm asking too much. I know I'm picky and demanding and not thinking about how hard spontaneity and individual thought are.So if he can only be spontaneous once in his life time I pray that it is when it involves a Legacy-esque ring and the act of proposing to my sorry self - in other words if he tries to do it on Valentine's day regardless of the carat, the answer will be no. Picky yes, crazy, I don't think so, but then again that might be because I have nothing to test it against.
PS. I will also admitt CEF managed the flowers thing - but he complained about the cost and never ever got a colour I would like or a type I remotely liked... and I am a horrible person for saying that, still
Sunday, January 24, 2010
CEF and the Challenges of Dating (Using Bullet Points)
In reference to a comment on a previous blog I have decided to parade out on of the skeletons in my closet, that oddly affects my ability to date.
We all have skeletons - this one happens to be a 6ft plus skeleton of CEF... Now I will say that my main reason never to talk about him is well it's a small world and the last thing I need is in this small world to have him find me under a new open frequency - the rest have been closed to the best of my ability - so I will say if for some bizarre reason the story resonates - you think you know him - please keep it our little secret - it avoid me filing that restraining order I'd been meaning to do and shutting down this blog like the last one and other events that would follow.
Okay on to more happy talk, or something like that - actually you may like I am going to, go get a mug of Baileys with coffee added or something appropriate to make this go down a little cheery.
I don't limit my sharing to the blog, no I am one with little self censorship - with the life I've had to this point and more importantly the jobs I have had - it's meh seen it all, what's the point in candy coating it. That however does not work for the whole get to know you process. I have found that dates don't mind some aspects, however the flashing sign a mile high saying RUN, is the fact that I was once engaged.
I have taken that fear to mean:
1. I was/could be now ready for big commitment which I guess could be intimidating for some, though if you're not and 29-35 I guess it's a good thing I know that now and not say 6 months from now when you pull out some closet Peter Pan like shit.
2. I was either dumped therefore permanently scared or possibly a little off (which I am anyways - we all are, just saying) and or I did the dumping and thus can be a cruel heartless bitch.
I can. I was. And note I will be if the need presents itself again. I dumped my abusive, controlling, seriously missing a few marbles fiance on his manipulating sloth like ass. It was brutal. My people pleasing self felt like a bitch greater than Janice Dickinson, and sure it crushed me. BUT I will never apologize for it - because if someone is expecting me to apologize then well they would be implying:
1. I had the foresight to see that once I got engaged that CEF wouldn't become the controlling nutbar he became
2. I should have gone along with it - got married, moved half way across the Northern Hemisphere to become his mother/shrink/pet/victim and ultimately party to the lie he built for the world to see.
So that was long and a little interesting and maybe or most likely made you feel like Googling pictures of puppies. I know that the dating world is cruel and vulnerability is a harsh thing - but the point to all this sharing is - in bullet points again.
1. I will say that it gets better - that's why I blog - though it's not a witness to the getting the better part, oddly the opposite.
2.For me and everyone else dating, remember that it's a messy process but do you do to remain vulnerable, laugh and keep your head up - we're all in this together. That means none of you get to find someone before I do....
My solutions: I bitch, laugh, run and became the girl with a bottle of vodka in her freezer at ALL times, because we know that it is always my friend - gin and tequila are not.
We all have skeletons - this one happens to be a 6ft plus skeleton of CEF... Now I will say that my main reason never to talk about him is well it's a small world and the last thing I need is in this small world to have him find me under a new open frequency - the rest have been closed to the best of my ability - so I will say if for some bizarre reason the story resonates - you think you know him - please keep it our little secret - it avoid me filing that restraining order I'd been meaning to do and shutting down this blog like the last one and other events that would follow.
Okay on to more happy talk, or something like that - actually you may like I am going to, go get a mug of Baileys with coffee added or something appropriate to make this go down a little cheery.
I don't limit my sharing to the blog, no I am one with little self censorship - with the life I've had to this point and more importantly the jobs I have had - it's meh seen it all, what's the point in candy coating it. That however does not work for the whole get to know you process. I have found that dates don't mind some aspects, however the flashing sign a mile high saying RUN, is the fact that I was once engaged.
I have taken that fear to mean:
1. I was/could be now ready for big commitment which I guess could be intimidating for some, though if you're not and 29-35 I guess it's a good thing I know that now and not say 6 months from now when you pull out some closet Peter Pan like shit.
2. I was either dumped therefore permanently scared or possibly a little off (which I am anyways - we all are, just saying) and or I did the dumping and thus can be a cruel heartless bitch.
I can. I was. And note I will be if the need presents itself again. I dumped my abusive, controlling, seriously missing a few marbles fiance on his manipulating sloth like ass. It was brutal. My people pleasing self felt like a bitch greater than Janice Dickinson, and sure it crushed me. BUT I will never apologize for it - because if someone is expecting me to apologize then well they would be implying:
1. I had the foresight to see that once I got engaged that CEF wouldn't become the controlling nutbar he became
2. I should have gone along with it - got married, moved half way across the Northern Hemisphere to become his mother/shrink/pet/victim and ultimately party to the lie he built for the world to see.
So that was long and a little interesting and maybe or most likely made you feel like Googling pictures of puppies. I know that the dating world is cruel and vulnerability is a harsh thing - but the point to all this sharing is - in bullet points again.
1. I will say that it gets better - that's why I blog - though it's not a witness to the getting the better part, oddly the opposite.
2.For me and everyone else dating, remember that it's a messy process but do you do to remain vulnerable, laugh and keep your head up - we're all in this together. That means none of you get to find someone before I do....
My solutions: I bitch, laugh, run and became the girl with a bottle of vodka in her freezer at ALL times, because we know that it is always my friend - gin and tequila are not.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Struggling
I would like to say amidst all this dating* that I've managed to come to some grand epiphany other than the one that shouldn't get repeated again - I have an issue with that one. The last two dates, correction all but BV have shared too much, and BV couldn't hold a conversation. Look fellas, I know I'm a talker, I work my brain - my feelings and all that out, out loud or in print - which is close enough, and I somehow, just barely have figured out the whole self censor business. Yes I've developed a challenging situation with the NLLL, but I know that the following can cause silence and really awkward situations:
1. Ex's - especially details - like cheating on or by, the dysfunctional nature or any of that, really, seriously - I'm not going to tell you CEF is anymore that CEF - I don't think you need to know that if he ever contacts me that I will without hesitation file a restraining order and while we were at it maybe change my name, move and everything else I considered at one time...
2. Your emotional struggles - goodness we've all had them - trust me, we have, I however think Dr Brain is the better person for my emotional venting, or Ms. J when I've got some booze in me, it's not really first date material.
3. Your job hate - lord only knows how many shitty days I have here, however I'm here in the end because gasp I want to be, crazy shit I know. You don't like the job I don't care what it is get a job you like. I can respect you more for having a shitty paying job or career that fulfills you, than I can do the other - the other is TOXIC, and not in a sort of hot way like the song, Bimbo Spears auto tuned/lip sync'd her way through.
You can tell me the following:
1. Travel - where you've been, where you would like to go and why - ex. I would like to go to India and visit an ashram, or I would like to see Japan because well despite my loathe of Memoirs of a Geisha, the cherry blossoms looked amazing, like well maybe too romantic to go alone, but I would go anyways...
2. What you do to occupy your time - I will shame you by saying I'm a health masochist - I think the best way to spend a Saturday morning is a 13 mile run, followed by a nap/cuddle if I get that luxury or something like that... not that I would offer you a cuddle, but whatever, moving on.
3. Fun - crazy things you've done recently - like I went to a film fest recently... etc
4. If you want to be transparent - tell me about your future goals - BB wants to live in a city I would rather be shot before I would move to for a million reasons - I am high maintenance, and this city is all sorts of wrong, all wrong, very wrong, and it's actually once of the major cities in this fine country. Kids? You know I would like 2 or maybe 4 - let's start with 2, yes my uterus is alive like the hills in the Sound of Music, but I'm not looking for just your contribution, I'm looking for a partner... so yes that would mean I would like you to make an honest woman out of me and marry me before they come along and all that.
But that's it... maybe I should put it at you this way, all this unneeded sharing is equivalent to me saying the following to AB for example, and note in addition to being too much info, it's all hugely unfair to dump on someone, regardless of the situation:
1. I want to get married and I think you're a really really good match - I should be shot for saying that, because while it may be accurate it's not to be said, oh no no no in the words of our fair Ducky
2. I have a ring picked out and L (CW) could get you a good deal, don't worry I've liked the setting for years...
3. The above two imply I want to have your children (which at the moment strikes me as a very odd statement...) and I am okay with the names you've already indicated you like.
I could even get worse, but I won't because I think you get the point...
1. Ex's - especially details - like cheating on or by, the dysfunctional nature or any of that, really, seriously - I'm not going to tell you CEF is anymore that CEF - I don't think you need to know that if he ever contacts me that I will without hesitation file a restraining order and while we were at it maybe change my name, move and everything else I considered at one time...
2. Your emotional struggles - goodness we've all had them - trust me, we have, I however think Dr Brain is the better person for my emotional venting, or Ms. J when I've got some booze in me, it's not really first date material.
3. Your job hate - lord only knows how many shitty days I have here, however I'm here in the end because gasp I want to be, crazy shit I know. You don't like the job I don't care what it is get a job you like. I can respect you more for having a shitty paying job or career that fulfills you, than I can do the other - the other is TOXIC, and not in a sort of hot way like the song, Bimbo Spears auto tuned/lip sync'd her way through.
You can tell me the following:
1. Travel - where you've been, where you would like to go and why - ex. I would like to go to India and visit an ashram, or I would like to see Japan because well despite my loathe of Memoirs of a Geisha, the cherry blossoms looked amazing, like well maybe too romantic to go alone, but I would go anyways...
2. What you do to occupy your time - I will shame you by saying I'm a health masochist - I think the best way to spend a Saturday morning is a 13 mile run, followed by a nap/cuddle if I get that luxury or something like that... not that I would offer you a cuddle, but whatever, moving on.
3. Fun - crazy things you've done recently - like I went to a film fest recently... etc
4. If you want to be transparent - tell me about your future goals - BB wants to live in a city I would rather be shot before I would move to for a million reasons - I am high maintenance, and this city is all sorts of wrong, all wrong, very wrong, and it's actually once of the major cities in this fine country. Kids? You know I would like 2 or maybe 4 - let's start with 2, yes my uterus is alive like the hills in the Sound of Music, but I'm not looking for just your contribution, I'm looking for a partner... so yes that would mean I would like you to make an honest woman out of me and marry me before they come along and all that.
But that's it... maybe I should put it at you this way, all this unneeded sharing is equivalent to me saying the following to AB for example, and note in addition to being too much info, it's all hugely unfair to dump on someone, regardless of the situation:
1. I want to get married and I think you're a really really good match - I should be shot for saying that, because while it may be accurate it's not to be said, oh no no no in the words of our fair Ducky
2. I have a ring picked out and L (CW) could get you a good deal, don't worry I've liked the setting for years...
3. The above two imply I want to have your children (which at the moment strikes me as a very odd statement...) and I am okay with the names you've already indicated you like.
I could even get worse, but I won't because I think you get the point...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
It's Amazing What You Can Get Done...
When you're trying to stay away from your Blackberry for your own future's preservation. I doubt AB has found that this has been a difficult twenty four hours, but I have. No good night text, no good morning text, no I'm travelling and safe text, no I'm having dinner with Ms. J and AR for her going away/birthday celebration. Yet I know it's a good thing - I have accomplished all my laundry, my cleaning, my baking - one batch of muffins and a cake, and another batch of muffins tomorrow. I also have two batches of soup due for tomorrow to be frozen, meals planned for the next two weeks and another long run with V after my long run with Ms. J today. The funny thing despite the difficulty I mentioned to AR and Ms. J today that I'm considering extending the time frame until his book is completed. I know that is a cruel idea to put that kind of deadline on an artist, but I'm also conscious that maybe that is the best idea given I've been vocal that I support his work... so we'll see. One step at a time, or as X says - fake it until you make it - so I fake that this is a grand ole time for me until I feel that way.... and in the interim I spend my time listening to Kelly Clarkson and reminding myself that I don't hook up, I'm worth it, and all that other jazz she sings about... it's like having Ms. J permanently in my brain.
One more thing, let's add one more lady to the group - LMDTB - Little Miss Doctor to Be.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/katiekirk/3421810666/
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Research
So while I've had technically second dates with everyone on the S&P roll, minus NN because that wasn't a date* and OM because that was purely a babymomma interview... I've somehow managed to endear myself despite supposedly breaking just about every freaking rule/advice recommend, however I have to say that it made sense... sure it was common sense in many ways, but it also highlighted things I would never have considered like the following - now whether I am going to change is another issue, the book recommends:1. No thank-you texts/email, ie. I had a great time tonight... apparently that is overkill, either you voice that when the date is over, or no, no fishing for another contact, the implication being every email or text in polite society should be returned/acknowledged, and if he doesn't want to, you are trapping him in the whole being rude/shitty person bubble if he doesn't want to talk to you again... something like that
2. Keep ALL issues to yourself - from I don't drink dairy because I'm lactose intolerant, to whether you are a vegetarian/vegan (I guess you covertly order...?) to chronic illness, despite being healthy, like Crohn's, Diabetes etc, or even relational issues, like my mom had cancer to the bigger ones like I have kids, I'm divorced, I had a CEF etc... sure some of those are really good things to leave off the table and others... well...
3. Understand that you (women) first date for personality (sure looks are in there a little) and second for looks and all that - once it's accessed that they are normal, and men do the opposite, first date for looks and then second date for personality/spark/chemistry sake
Of course the entire book isn't just about us, it's about them too - one of the biggest ones, is making a comment on a woman's looks, I have to say, that while granted I am definitely hyper-sensitive about this, the minute I hear someone say you're hot (it's happened twice surprisingly) it makes my skin crawl, it reminds me that I am being assessed on how I look, sure I know it's happening I guess I just don't need to be reminded that you are glaring at my chest, or scanning my ass when I walk... Comment on a specific thing - I like your: earrings, the dress, shoes (!), your fragrance it/they are ______. Simple for example: I like your dress, the color is unique. Yes okay that's a shitty sentence, but hell, it isn't a killer, if she loves the dress she'll tell you she got it at some quirky shop etc...
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