Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dating Pseudo-Stockholm Syndrome?

I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive.  I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.

This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it.  Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere.  Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married.  And if so, will it be healthy?

It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.

As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library.  Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are.  And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless.  I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom.   Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.

All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.