A Little Distraction

I have a confession - I had declared that I would not make any purchases after the break-up because the last thing I needed was shopping guilt on top of my "I dated a total NLLL/NLLL/NLLL-bag (whichever term you'd like to pick) guilt."

But I did actually buy something - while I was scouring iTunes for "you're a NLLL-NLLL for ending the relationship but thanks you actually did me a favour" songs I saw that Kasey Musgraves album was on sale.

Today was the first day I listened to it and I think it's awesome

 

Primarily because I found myself in the sea of doubt and pessimism last night, realizing the days are counting down to my *cough* 32nd *cough* birthday and I feel in these moments that I have nothing to show for it. Yes this April could have (in theory) have been my 5th wedding anniversary (April 2009)... I could have kids, I could also be divorced and healing from the domestic abuse that would have been the flavour of that relationship... I find myself sitting on the fence where I was last year when I signed up for eHarmony, saying oh NLLL it, I'm throwing in the dating/marriage towel, after all it is easier if I do not have to consider man's opinion or dissent in the discernment process etc and I can just adopt since it seems impossible to find a man who would even consider co-parenting.... I know this is pessimism I shouldn't feel. After all I know I'm better off without LG/NB. But I guess I find it frustrating to have the years pass by with no rhyme or reason as to why I (and all my friends are single) and at the same time knowing that my uterus quite frankly has 2 to 3 good years tops and then I'm completely out of competition mode. It seems my male peers who are single want a wife who has years to decide about kids and frankly I don't have those years or the patience to put up with the NLLL that seems to still define the dating "game."

UGH.

Marriage

BI is engaged.  The boy who said he would never get married found someone he wanted to get hitched to.  I could be sad - that was one of the reasons we never dated - but really it was only one of the small reasons it didn't work out for us.  In the end I am actually thrilled for them and their family.

Why?

Because it reminds me that men when they find that person are happy to commit.  When they aren't just bidding their time or using you to fill a void.  CW has this problem with her man who keeps saying he'll do it when the time is right for him.  See the thing is - it seems like the time is never right and honestly it might never be.  She might wait and wait and wait and he'll never be ready - because he's a man-child like AB or because she's not the one to make him realize that life without her is not a life fully lived.

In the sea of commitment phobes and man-children BI's action reminds me there will be someone who's willing to take risks to make sure I'm his.  I just have to develop some patience.

Interesting...

It seems before I have even had a chance to go towards the altar, there are a heck of a lot of my friends who are moving away from it.  Running, leaping, surging head long towards divorce court. Many I really did not think would.  I realize 50% or more of us will chose that option.   I also know that I am not in any position to judge because if for some bizarre reason I conned my better self down the isle to marry CEF, the big D and I do not mean Dallas or Delta or Dubai would have been our destiny.  I just find it interesting, perplexing and well sad.  I guess this only means now I will be likely getting hitched at about the same time the wave of second marriages happens.  And that my friends is even harder to get my brain around.

One Man I Wish I Could Marry

Maybe I'm from the frozen north, maybe I'm not, but I have to say this man makes me keel over in laughter every time I watch him and that I believe is one of if not the most important things in a marriage, unlike maybe say the ability to do my taxes. I could be wrong, I am still single after all.

Rings...

A new male entered our work place this week – alarms went off, a code lipstick was issued and in general chaos ensued. In a building of 96% females and 50% of those are single, fresh meat does not go unnoticed, especially when they have an Aussie accent...

But before we go putting him in the memory shoes of my Mr. Big and in doing so replacing that memory with a better option, and one that isn’t 15 years my senior either, I need to convey some terrible news.

He has an extra toe.

Actually he’s married.

No wedding ring.

He’s married, but does not wear a wedding ring. This is one of my pet peeves. As a single woman living in a city where it is more common to be in a common law relationship, it’s already hard to figure out who’s free to look at and who’s not. Further still I don’t understand the no ring concept. If you have allergies there are a variety of options, if it’s cost, there are even more options – the cheapest custom rings on Etsy are below $100 or slightly more expensive.

Now I am comfortable with being labelled a traditionalist – I support marriage, and I have no intention of being shacked up before I am married. Note I don’t care which humans get married to each other, if you are willing to commit for life to the person go for it. I feel that if you man or woman choose to not wear a ring when you are married you are saying two things, one I’m not proud that I am married, and two I am free to be treated as a single person, you can flirt with me, you can look at me and you can try and woo me or whatever you want to etc.

So am I alone in this? Would you wear a ring and why or why not?

And I leave you with this is gem, the truth of Beyonce...

Time to Address the Big Issues

I have grey hair. Good lord since when? It seems I've been slacking in the hair maintenance department, primarily because I can't decide what to do... see here's the thing, I had waist length hair at one time in my life, I donned a wig this weekend for my Katara costume with a hairstyle identical to my preteen style - minus the loopies... it made me feel oddly nostalgic. Why is the hair issue important? Well other than yes I do have to address those greys, it is the tip of the decision iceberg...

I read the Economist religiously. Shocking, I know. Don't worry I read Women's Health and Runner's World with the same voracity, I think they balance each other out, like my purchasing of Diaspora research and stilettos on my NYC trip. All about balance... I digress.

My issue is every time I read through the E, I am reminded that I need to get my academic act together to get myself out of the level I am in. I am almost finished a second degree (it's useless) - so I checked out the program that appeals to me... it's in Europe, it's 35,000+ E a year (including living expenses) for two years plus a thesis and practicum... err that's a little pricey (for me) to be trained to manage an NGO (ie. a lower paying job with higher ethics...) Decisions like these are bigger issues - like I said to HSBFF's dad, law school (to do International Trade Law ie. WTO) at this point means me giving up having a family... the above mentioned degree more of less indicates that I'm willing to make the same choice, and for some reason I'm not sure I want to. We've been raised to believe we can have it all, but as a child who raised and provided for herself and her brother in the absence of parental units, I know you can't, crazy I know.

Oddly I feel really torn about the whole thing - I want kids damn it, not that the world wants me to, god knows they likely won't want me, but right now it doesn't seem like an option unless I go solo in my old age... and to add to all my emotional frustrations AB is chirping about me finding Mr. Perfect. Perfect hole in my head I seem to be able to find, but Mr. Perfect, he doesn't exist, right now I'm going for Mr. Not a Criminal, I am actually straight, faithful and will be a good dad, and you don't make me cringe - anything beyond that is icing... like the fireworks and all that - got that once in a lifetime and look where that got me, the rest is apparently WAY more important to get in line.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/midwestsky/3706084876/

Planning for the Future

No there is no bun in the oven (that I'm aware of though it has been the joke of late) or any thing that would warrant a rushed plan for the future. But I have been thinking about it. In the past I've been one to have specific plans, strong rules, guidelines, strong just about everything. And now I'm aware that there has been a dramatic change of heart over the last little while. So the idea of planning for the future, while I would like the future to come has well sort of been put on it's head.

I used to believe that I would find that person who was compatible - note I did not say "someone who completes me" or the one or any of that - someone with whom I could see myself living in a loving, respectful partnership with is the goal, key on all those parts. Anyways I would find that person, we'd date (because that used to seem so easy), he would think I was amazing (and yes of course vice versa) and he'd scoop me up off the market and we'd be married in time frame ranging from 1 yr to 2 years in total. I still sort of wish for that, though it seems that the first part of that equation might take an eternity...

I also used to hope for a few years to get used to living with said person - and then the babies. The thing is I'm aware I'm not young, nor is my body and waiting is waiting for more issues later on. I would like to say I'm not feeling any concern, that I know I have time, and I do. I am not on the hunt for all that - but it is there somewhere in the nagging back of my mind, thrown to the front every so often when I open a Women's Health and they happen to have an article on how I can prepare my uterus for the future occupant, regardless of the immediacy of that... hmm, didn't want to think about that, thanks.

The future is gray, I wish it wasn't but it is and that just is well the way I guess it's going to be...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/erin_ryan/2479288574/

If Only I Could...

Write the next chapters of my life. Sure it could be argued that we all do, that we all through our actions put pen to paper in the script of our life. I am not talking about the formulation of a story in the moment, but rather the expansion of a story beyond the here and now, the scripting for the lead male role in a form/flavor other than the current, Reluctant Prince Charming. I started to read Jane Eyre again for likely the dozenth time, in part because I love the book - even though I do know the ending - it is the beauty throughout that captures me. The fight for two people broken, individually held together by their own self will, their hearts consumed with the lies they've absorbed, and yet desperate to believe there is something out there for them. Jane is torn by Mr. Rochester's secret and yet comes back and redeems him through her forgiveness and grace. I won't say that my life will ever imitate art or any version of it, or what I even wish it would. But I guess there is hope in the knowing that the lies we accept will one day shed and we can come to realize that what we never thought was possible, or what we were never worthy of will appear in our life if we follow our convictions and our journey, regardless of the trials.

Funny enough speaking of journeys AB and I never really discussed what we see for our futures and so on and so forth, and to be honest given that a year ago I was being watched 24hrs a day for my own health, it hasn't really been on the forefront of my mental agenda until recently. HSBBF was the first person I think I formally articulated my vision to, so drum roll, here it goes. I want to teach yoga to teenagers. Now I know you were expecting that I would try and better the world through teaching the importance of starching your linen napkins and so on, but no really. Yoga as a vehicle for self acceptance, patience, calm and reduced anxiety in the mess of our culture. As for the whole "list" and all that - I posted a long time ago my list of deal breakers as for other issues, basically looking for someone who has some kind of artistic pursuit, whether it be music, drawing, writing - something that they are passionate about in that way...

Regardless I need to get back to what I'm not passionate about at the moment...

Time to Party

I will say that this is likely tacky, irreverent and even cold for some of you to read. I am raising a martini or two this weekend in the celebration of me not getting married. As of 1pm April 18, 2009 I would have been hitched, hitched on a wagon to a life of well we aren't going to think about that. That person who said yes last year does not reside in this body. I am aware that sounds like I was possessed, and some days it sure as heck feels like it looking back, but it wasn't that dramatic. I instead did what many other before and after me did/will do, marry because you need to be married, not because you want to spend your life with that person. No rather you NEED to be married and well this person seems good enough to shove into that void. You never make that conscious decision, but somehow they hit your radar hard enough to stick and then before you know it that list of things you really want, desire, and in some other respect need gets thrown out the window, you bend your life, alter friendships and you even ditch in some way or another all those life lines you have known as friends. Somewhere in August my want got a hold of my need and cold cocked it. It was out just long enough for me to make some no turning back decisions. Thank goodness for that and the support of amazing women like J, or maybe mostly J who made sure that my want was strong. My want for freedom, my want for love, passion and all that, my want for peace with myself and myself only. The kind of freedom that makes you fall in like with yourself rather than in loathe and fear.

So whether you were there along the journey, have had your own similar journey or you just love a good martini - raise your glass. Here's to wants, loves, losses and the knowledge that nothing is to big, bad or ugly - you can get through it all.