ALL.THE.FEELINGS

I have been trying to avoid posting because I do feel like it's a bit of a big secret to keep from LG and its the kind I know he wouldn't like me keeping. But I'm trying to process my feelings and whether I hit publish or not on this post, I need to express them.

It's been great - yes things are moving possibly faster than I would have ever imagined, though to be honest I'm not sure what I imagined and maybe that in and of itself it the most nerve-wracking part. I don't know if I knew what this would be like - the disorientation. I feel swept up, caught in something moving that I never expected and didn't ever think to plan for and I'm not sad by that but I am nervous after CEF and given that X and I moved at really a glacial place and were long distance - I didn't have to schedule my life around him.

I am afraid the other shoe will drop and this will all become horrible or I'll wake up one morning and wonder what massive bad acid like trip I found myself on again. As if I cannot make the right choice for myself. I am possibly too sensitive to the desires of those around me. I still struggle when I hear people say well you deserve better, you deserve someone more _____. I might. But by who's standard, theirs? or mine? If I am happy, if I feel safe, if I feel that this person is someone I could raise children with, love that long term love and all those things if it doesn't look like X or he isn't _____ is that wrong?

I don't know what finding that one person is suppose to feel like - I hear it's suppose to feel like butterflies, it's suppose to feel like all sorts of things and you'll just know and you'll just... and it seems to become a spiral I cannot find myself out of, one that uses comparisons and others experiences.

I don't know what will happen long term, how we'll find balance or if he'll go to the UK or if he's truly the one and feels the same or if I'll panic and pull the plug and keep being single - after all that is the easiest. It is so much easier to keep people to a degree present in my life, to not change, to not be pushed, to not push someone else, to not depend on someone, to make decisions with someone else. And while those things terrify me, what if it is in the end like all the hard decisions you make in life one of those things you have to just start doing, even if it does scare you shitless.

At the end of the day we're all messy, we all have things our significant other's family's feel they should have aimed higher for, whether it's our health or education or looks or even age - as LG's has been balked at a few times and yet we make choices. We have a choice to choose who we choose.

And DD update - saw him at a concert event LG took me to and it's not there - the spark, the whatever he had that used to give me cold sweats in his presence has disappeared. It was kind of fascinating. 

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Hi All

So it seems in recent weeks that I've picked up a few lovely new folks.  So to those following or those lurking in the Interweb's shadows. The run down here is quite simple:

1. Everyone gets a nickname - there was a time in my life where I had my name and everything out in the open along with the names of Ms. J and well anyone who would grace these posts.  Well then CEF and a few other crazies caused me to shut down my old blog.  I actually stopped blogging for about 6 months which is a lifetime for me.  Then my shrink thought it was time for me to start dating, so here we are.

2.  What's up with the names?  Well L or HHMNERP (Hot Hot Married Native Ex Roomie Princess) as she prefers to be called started up the naming game when it came to naming boys we would see around town but didn't know their names - the very first one - Boy I Know My Mother Would Hate... I still see him around town.  The names protect everyone and makes everything else a little more kosher around these parts.

3. Check the right column for the run down on the names.

4. Who am I?  Well you can think of me as whoever you want - sorry no details, I've learned the less you really know the more protection I have - goodness it's like I am hiding from someone...

5. Comment - let me know what you think - I am always open for a swift kick or more preferably a laugh.  The large majority of these posts are written out of sheer humorous frustration.  I'm seriously not cranky and bitchy all the time, well unless you're one of my employees... just kidding.

6. Last but not least all my followers have pretty fabulous blogs, check them out.

I Think I Just

well you don't really want to know what happened when I saw the picture below of an acquaintance's blog *goosebumps, shivers and etc*

Of course they didn't source it, so I'm going to have to search for how it was done because it appears that the spines remained unaltered - how my dear would you do that then, search for coloured spines of your favorite books... they don't really make those, when they do they are normally hard covered books...

PS the whole set up actually makes me extraordinarily happy, white is luxury and the color is well, I'm speechless at the beauty and the BOOKS, oh the books.

PPS - FOUND IT

PPPS - I found this lovely man's music - oh loveliness.

Weird, no?

HSBFF and I have been commuting together for the last little while and given that there is almost 15 years of history between us the conversation is always candid and a little odd for those sitting around us on the train.

Topic for discussion? OM and BV and CW's attempt to set me up (hasn't happened yet so don't worry you didn't miss anything). I was commenting that I tease OM, knowing that he considers me "hot" and "sexy" (who says that to a friend/pseudo date?) but he didn't think we'd have an intellectual connection... this coming from a man who is looking for two types of women - his 50's homemaker archetype and a wildness distinctly un-feminine women... so I hug him a little longer, flirt like crazy with him - it makes him blush and gives me my retaliation for being made to feel simple. BV also made me feel simple and over educated all in one fell swoop... he is in R&D for a medical engineering firm - when I asked scientific questions I got ridiculous responses so in detail that is was annoying and when I tried to engage in mutual intellect discussions he either lacked that or was uninterested. I once again felt like a piece of meat. CW's boyfriend is treating me like that too - he is the bridge to the blind date and apparently his refusal to set it up has nothing to do with my brain...

So this is sounding narcissistic and vain. Do I think I'm a stunner, a head turner - oh goodness no. To be honest if there are men out there who think so they can keep moving (though according to HSBFF who keeps pointing them out they aren't). Why? Because I don't like feeling objectified, and I know that that is universally not the intent with such attention, but for me it feels like that. I dress modest for the most part - sure when I'm out partying the girls are out - they're still not at my knees and so for the next few years they can see the setting sun for a little while, but the rest of the time - nope. The only time I would consider wearing a short skirt is a running skirt which has shorts and I almost always wear it over tights... I digress. The point? HSBFF thought it was hilarious that life was torturing me - when I was younger I was known only for my brain and know that I'm older and want to be known and respected for my intellect, I'm getting almost only attention for my very average looking body... WHAT GIVES? Then again I always held to the belief that men's tastes would develop, maybe they have to the point that my child bearing hips are more important than my brain... or maybe that's a digression in taste...

"Music" choice

In Honor of My Patron Saint for this Lovely Day

JOHN MAYER

He may be a man whore, a tool and a poor interview candidate, BUT the man can write a love/heartbreak/relationship song like no one. Not to mention his voice/talent *swoon* anyways... so not the point to all this. This is the point.

I dedicate this song to the man child who still needs my help when he's sick, who still randomly texts. Honey I love you, but I am not in love with your yeast/hops soaked ass. So listen to the song and understand we are NOTHING, not because I want us to be, but because we don't know how to be friends, and lovers well, I know you don't really truly love me, and I need that, crazy huh?

My Birthday Gift to N

I know she loves them and they are coming to town this month - it was just announced - so for her birthday we're going to try and see them. We aren't going to discuss who I think of when I hear this song, really and truly, nor am I going to take a shot of courage/brain cleaner and text him. For the love of all the that is beautiful - like these Stella McCartney's what the NLLL is wrong with me it's only been a month and oh bloody hell I'm losing my NLLL mind, this is beyond wrong - I need a lobotamy or something

Tagged...

Therapeutic Ramblings has tagged me to reveal 10 facts about myself... I don't do facts, y'all should know that, I've got a secret or not so secret identity to maintain... but in the spirit of the events I will participate truthfully*...

1. I will always text rather than call, I hate using the phone other than at work - AB and I don't talk on the phone unless it REALLY requires it.
2. I've been to the vast majority of the western states via bus and train...
3. I hate Las Vegas for it's wasteful food portions, and the inability to find healthy food options...
4. Vegan for 2+ years would go back in a heart beat if it didn't make me a dating leper
5. I have a huge girl crush on Dita
6. I love the words: cheeky, corruption and sea hag
7. The name of the ex fiance is the same name of the first boy I publicly liked - bad juju name
8. I don't drive, I do not have a licence - for environmental, social, financial and personal/practical reasons
9. I don't carry anything other than an oversized designer handbag, especially not luggage, as I informed the nice young man at the local sports co-op... kind of cute in a I ride mountain bikes kind of way...reminds me of a nice Dr in Engineering boy I liked in high school who loved mountain bikes, he also likes tall waif like blonds (not at all like me in case you are curious)
10. I do not like Floridian water, say what you want, but it's so salty and warm in a pee'd in the pool like of temperature

My addition...

11. I used to and still love to sing this song, it's my early friendship with HSBFF bottled in a song, but note I will NEVER sing it solo in public, though put it on in a car, and well... it might happen

*everything can be qualified of course but these are definite truths outside of the disclaimer - crazy...

I would like to tag - Advice from a Single Girl, Ms. J, L and CC