Hmm

Some days I feel like I should have a lock on my computer - no public sharing while processing thoughts.  But well those who know me know that my belief is filtering doesn't work for me - I'm a talk through it person.  Problem is that as you talk through things your mind can change... alas that's why blogs have the gracious thing called edit, though life doesn't.

My old blogs exist in cyberspace but because of CEF they aren't public, so you'll have to trust me on this.  I went through an "online dating phase" from December 07 to about March 08.  I talked to 3 guys during this process - I know large selection huh - anyways not the point.  The first one started to creep my out - ended that one.  Second one - S, well that was going well and then one day it came unhinged.  He held up a book and I was shocked.  I was shocked that a person I though I was getting to know was actually a completely different person.  But heck that wasn't the end of it - in the end we were completely different people... so anyways we'll leave Three for another day.  But the point is S got engaged yesterday, we are oddly still FB friends...  I feel ambivalent about the whole thing.  He's happy, she's happy and I sure wasn't still holding anything for him - well see here's the deal.

I think I want to be single for now.  Sounds crazy I know.  But after AB I just feel like I'm not up for the drama - all the wondering what he thinks or feels or if it's even truly true.  I believe it has to be simpler, a hell of a lot so.  Thing is I feel like life keeps reminding me that only parts of this whole like, dating and then love thing is simple - the biological chemistry part - the #%)^@ part that starts and you're left wondering what the hell is going on.  I know it won't take long to arrest the reaction.  Question is what do I gain by cutting it off?  What is there to lose by not shutting up and shutting it all down?




Yes I know another Florence + The Machine video - but I love her, the lyrics keep surprising me:

've fallen out of favour
And I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees
And I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis
Out of windows too
Fell in your opinion
When I fell in love with you

Oh-ooh (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

Oh-ooh (repeated)

This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
And again (x15)

I'll dance myself up
Drunk myself down
Find people to love
Love people too drunk
I'm not scared to jump
I'm not scared to fall
If there was nowhere to land
I woudn't be scared
At all (x4)
All (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief