Wednesday, November 17, 2010

So I am Here Again

I had the privilege of hearing a local writer speak today as part of the class I am in.  She echoed what Arundhati Roy says about writing - we have a duty to occupy a space where there is under representation or the wrong representation.  I have known that about my life story - I know I need to write it out as there is a significant under representation of the long term effects of abuse - the fear, the anxieties that always seem to sit just below the surface - there but not.  It has been a really long journey to this point - 2 years and counting.  Some days it still breaks me, some days that which is always under the surface is not happy being unseen.  Today is one of those days.  Oddly enough I had Make it or Break it on while making dinner, and this song came on.  I started to cry almost instantly.  I am a crier in many situations - this one though surprised me and maybe it's all the stress of school and packing finding their release.  But...

I felt like it was not just that, it was more.  I run because running is my way of reminding myself I am up to the challenge - what I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger.   It reinforces the positive belief I can walk away from the pain of the past, and walk towards a future where I know myself, where I know my strength, my value, my beauty as me, my uniqueness.  I know those on the surface sound superficial and vain.  But they are not - they are the things that we all deny ourselves.  We whether we are abused/abuse survivors and just going through life - we - men and women, deny ourselves the sacredness of who we are, of our voices, of our journeys. It also reminds me I can do what scares me.  It is like a flashback of the last two years - pain and fear can be overcome for something beautiful even if you want to puke from the anxiety when the gun goes off - it is a slow process - it is a process that is so so worth it.  I find it hard in these moments not only to remember the above, but to remember the distance - the growth, the goodness in the journey.  The demons I still carry can be my muse, they can be used for my good rather than my harm... Yep so while I go off to have a cathartic cry I leave you with some profound lyrics:

6 comments:

  1. "Don't let your eyes refuse to see...don't let your ears refuse to hear or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness."
    Rock on.

    BTW, is steak an acceptable food option pre-marathon?

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  2. I eat red meat but in smaller quantities, but it's good for the bod - so I guess the answer is yes.

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  3. Sweet. We got a menu to shoot for this sat if you're still down =).

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  4. This song is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your pain and inspiration while revealing your weakness and strengths with us Thank you! Always remember tears do not comprise your strengths!

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