Thursday, December 31, 2009
1. No pity dates - that means if even if hell froze over you still wouldn't date them, you shouldn't just to find an easy way out of the awkwardness
2. No dating man-child's, it's not a good thing all around - you can love them as friends and appreciate their insight into Avatar, The Last Airbender and share their love of sports... beyond that while I want children, I would prefer to be raising them, rather than living with one.
3. I resolve to with Ms. J cast the net far and wide for options and as such will accept matchmaking...for those local, if you know where local is there will be a blog popping up on the subject with application forms... this is the grand result of two single women finishing off a large bottle of Baileys in 2 1/2 days while play Pandemic...
4. To apart from all this focus on getting the hell out of my lovely management job and into school full time because y'all know I'm super excited about it...
But before that all comes into play I will be with V, Ms J and a gaggle of other ladies at V's house party - drinking, playing board games, eating Moroccan meatballs and dulce de leche (my contributions) all while in lovely party dresses... good times for sure.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Love blooms like crocuses: dirty, brave.
It helps to label the books.
Lost my virginity to her husband.
And so the book goes on... so my dear readers I think it's time to add some to the book.
Boys suck. The End. Wanna Date? - courtesy of Ms. J
Even returned the empty conditioner bottle.
I run, catch me, we'll discuss.
Hugs from behind are not mutual.
Love = carrying me when feet hurt.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
So both lists aren't that bad in theory, gives you purpose and direction, but I think now is the time where I get to look back and reminisce with y'all - 2009 in list form:
1. Owner of 3, count them 3 Crackberry's - so close to getting an iPhone
2. Introduced 3rd roommate in 3 years to the mix - I'm good luck - one's married, one's now in University and the 3rd seems to be on her way down the aisle too...
3. "Dated" more men then I wish I had this year - all were duds
4. Watched more in theatre films than I think I can remember (Rachel Getting Married, The Young Victoria, Duplicity, New Moon, Harry Potter, The International, The Reader, The Hangover, State of Play come to mind though I am sure there are more...)
5. Lived without a laptop and the Internet at home - just barely
6.Visited Chicago, Minneapolis, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle and Portland to name a few of my travels.
7. Purchased more shoes than I think I could ever justify in a lifetime and I still don't think I really have enough.
8. Finally decorated my office after 2 years of employment
9. Painted the entire office as part of "force holidays" this year (fun 3 days)
10. Spent all important holidays away from my family and with Ms. J and her family
11. Ran 2 Half Marathons and 1 Marathon
12. Almost kicked my Sbucks habit thanks to my avoiding BB
13. Agreed to disagree with Gin, Tequila and whatever else I've consumed over this past year except of vodka of course - we'll always be BFF's
14. Traveled with Ms. J and learned to be weary of her when she pulls out her camera, she's likely filming
And likely many more accomplishments like sticking with my god awful expensive therapist, being sexted by MW of which should likely be discussed with therapist, got a TV which replaced my laptop etc.
So my future includes this lovely sensible list and not a list like this:
1. Don't re-pseudo date AB or do anything that involves AB
2. Stop pity dates - they just waste time and result in shitty side hugs after a whole day wasted or result in the BB fiasco.
3. Only drink gin if you plan on going back on number 1 in a big way
4. Run all the races you've planned (1 1ok trail, 1 half, 4 marathons)
5. Get a tan this year for goodness sake even if it takes all freaking summer
6. Finish school off for a while
7. "Invest" in club wear so that you can take advantage of BR while she's still around
8. Fix the DVD player
9. Avoid any legal proceeding that may arise from rash job related reactions...
10. Spend more time with Ms. J - Friday Night dates return - teach her to love sports
Friday, December 25, 2009
Well I remember a time when this song was just a song that L and I used to sing to in the tiny hall between our two rooms. L and I both single all those years ago used to for some bizarre reason say that this song would be our break up song. L moved on and married and I moved on and engaged, unengaged and unsuccessfully for many reasons dated a man that his roommate calls juvenile - a 31 year old man being called juvenile. He's caught in the fractured memory of loves gone wrong of loves where the memory has been come better than the reality, so much so that there is an increased desire for the reality. He wants her back, she's not his to take, but her hold is strong. It seems that looking at the men who have come through my life - there are always these women, I know that I in many respects is that woman for CEF oddly enough. The one or two women who fracture a man's desire for maturity, commitment and forward growth.... but we lost the trail.. the trail is this, a song that in many way captures everything in either lyrics or beauty of the movement...
**The title is a line from a song that's been rolling around in my head, - "I'm better as a memory than as your man" I think that sums up AB well
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
However it has no numbers... when I changed SIN's as a requirement before they would give me my third phone they were suppose to transfer over my numbers too... alas they didn't and so I am without my numbers. Now you would think this wouldn't be an issue, just throw my number up on FB and it would all be wonderful. Well see here is the deal. I bought a Crackberry, changed my billing account and number because of CEF. My number is a very closely guarded secret, no one who doesn't know about CEF and sworn to hold the number until the day I change it is allowed to have it... so now here I am no numbers and a phone that works... Merry Christmas to me... actually I know it will be lovely with or without the phone since it will be full of fun kitchen times with Ms. J and lots and lots of booze (Bring on the Baileys!), my falling apart AE jeans and my Lulu hoodie time, to relax finally before employing my hockey playing skills on the girls at the Nike outlet on Boxing Day - hands off the capris.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas starts for me November 12, it is the dawn of that day that I have to pull out the list from last year, tweek it and start ordering. Ordering dozens of gift baskets, planning Christmas parties, buying "team building" staff gifts, Excel spreadsheets as far as the eye can see, hundreds of Christmas cards and on and on and on it goes until the last Tuesday before Christmas. It is that day that I am freed from my work shackles and proceed with Christmas as shortly there after. It is for this reason I normally buy my gifts online while I am ordering my work related gifts. I have forgone Christmas baking. I have no tree, though we do have lights normally thrown up the first weekend after the 11th of November and hauled down about the 14th of February (or whenever I can).... I hate the hustle and bustle, it's not fun, there is no joy in the stress...
Though let me say that I am trying and I notice more and more that everyone around me is trying to outside of their work stress to quell the insanity. More of us are ordering online and preferably from places like Etsy (homemade and/or local), or opting as I did more last year purchasing donations, most of female peers have even forgone the buying of Christmas outfits and salon visits. We've all grown up with the catalogues and honestly a more simple way of Christmas and somewhere in our teen years Christmas changed - maybe it was the introduction of cheaper electronics, maybe it was just our generation, but it changed. I understand the frustration, I understand the stress. So instead I pose these suggestions....
1.List it - early on, make a list and stick to it
2.Simplify it all - the list, your plans, everything
3. Community it - I think the best part of Christmas has come with the more I do "Christmas related" activities with those around me - baking, shopping, Christmas itself...
4. Give - while yes we all want stuff, I was no worse off because people gave in my name last year and nor were those I did the same for - yet I believe that some people were better off - namely the families with access to clean water, children educated, young girls at risk protected and the animals provided (even though yes the vegan in me does find that one hard at times). Oxfam, World Vision, Unicef, your local food bank and the list goes on...
5. Drink - Water, vodka, coffee and repeat until it all gets better... or maybe not, just take time for you
And stay away from Walmart or any big box store for that matter, the Hellmouth of the Holidays...
As a personal opinion side note - I do love the reason for this holiday, sure it conveniently usurped some pagan holiday and we all know it wasn't on December 25th that the said event happened, but it means something to me all the same - so here are if you are interested two of the songs I love at this time of year they aren't standards but they are still well the reason I opt to celebrate despite all that seems be utterly wrong with the way we choose to celebrate as a society.
Merry Christmas - May You Find Peace in these less than Peaceful Times
Thursday, December 17, 2009
For men - you don't need to understand Twilight, that is sort of the point that you wouldn't. You wouldn't be expected to read any "chick-lit" and understand it, let alone enjoy it. It's okay you have already been absolved of any involvement in it. However I understand that you want to know what the fascination/attraction is. Vampires. Simple as that, at the heart of every straight laced daughter, girlfriend, mother, wife is a little mini daredevil who wants that crazy kind of love that has danger that they never bat an eye at. This is "clean" danger - no drugs, no alcohol, no laws broken and no one will fault you for it - it's the best of both worlds.
On the subject of vampires I must say that maybe due to my age or just his more "bad" nature Spike from Buffy is still the best... I digress. It's not just about vampires though because as our current run on vampire theme programs shows vampires come in all different sexual fantasy formats...
So why the whole Edward and Bella, Bella and Jacob and Bella and Edward again saga, well it's simple:
1. Desire -Every woman of sane mind wants to be wanted by someone they want to be wanted by. Ie. we are discriminate to a point - may my high school grad date be an example - when you're the last one they've asked and you can't remember talking to them at that point - they are not in that previously noted category - AB would be... Bella gets this with Edward and then with Jacob to some respect.
2. Heartbreak - Good old fashion heart ripped from its sockets being left with a hole to be soaked and preserved with tequila, brined with tears and stuffed full of Black Cherry ice cream. If you are too young to have one it's glamorous, if you've put enough miles on your heart it somehow makes you feel like a veteran comparing battle wounds.
3. Lust - I think we've started to crack this one - but here's the deal as part of 1 - Bella has the "hots" for Edward, Jacob has them for Bella and I am sure if Edward had a soul he would for Bella... but here's the important part. Most women due to some wiring get more "frisky" shall we say when there is all the other emotions involved - like love, trust, security etc. The whole book is written like this - Edward and Bella fall in love in the perfect fairytale format, deep, trusting, transparent and slightly gritty. And it's repeated in the friendship turned other format with Jacob. Both formats have the female readers engrossed and then all lusty for whichever character is involved.
4. Danger - as mentioned above - loving the boy who is no good for you - it's a disease - some of us kick it, some of us don't...
5. Disney - for the love of fish sticks when you were 4, every woman who has read these books has been brainwashed by Disney, we all somewhere flick the switch when reading the books that say it will happen, it will be beautiful and easy and he'll devote himself eternally to me.... yadda yadda, cue the Prince from the Little Mermaid and me frolicking in the sea...
As to the movies, well the movies are trashy - they are actually quite horrible in that Jacob is jail bait for the large majority of the audience and yet when he takes of his shirt in New Moon the sounds of the cat calls and whistles was oddly humorous... anyways. Men fear not you need not like, love or even accept the books just don't tell Ms. J that I believe Edward sheds sparkles, and as long as everyone remains Team Spike/Buffy we'll all be good...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Both options provide water - and oddly enough I will say that I didn't know about Active Water but I will now most definitely see myself running the Chicago race instead of my planned Portland race in October....
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
1. Miss 50's party
2. Texts from NYC to home
3. Birthday party
4. A week later dropping off cookies and staying out so late walking around the downtown that AR called to make sure I was alive
5. Indian food - racing to get to the same bus stop from opposite sides of town, we arrived at the exact same time
6. Celebration of Country's nationhood day
7. Ms. J's birthday party
8. Monday movie nights
9. Texting from home to Montreal
10. Continuation of Monday night movies, adding Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, some Sundays too - late late bus rides home and all that
11. Being introduced to Avatar, becoming addicted
12. Taking care of him when he was sick
13. Being taken care of when I became sick
14. The weekend that has been over analysed on the blog
15. The following weekend that involved lots of gin... and so the story went
16. More movie nights...
17. The night
18. Following nights...blah blah blah
19. Race weekend - the I miss you, rather be with you weekend
20. One of multiple attempts at a break
21. Philadelphia weekend
22. Texting stopped
23. And here we stand... it was so much more sappy and poetic in my mind but hell you don't want that and those memories are pretty clear still from the last 6 months.
Nasty part of all this is I'll miss all of it, the firsts, the hand holding, snuggles, his smell... oh well someone just spike my morning coffee and this day will be all good.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I did that, while listening to this, and planning with AB's roommate to have dinner with her, her beau and retrieving all my stuff. I'm not out to steal friend or have people take sides, I just think this is all the shits that I have the potential to lose them all too if I don't handle things as delicately as possible, even pseudo breakups seem to be hard... I need a run.
Sure I have a shit load of stuff that has found it's way to his place over the last 6 plus months, but I can contact his roommates or really anyone else to procure all that for me whenever I feel like that, to be honest part of me wants to see him cave, find out if there is a soul in him somewhere... So there we have it, the inevitable. It still makes me sad that it would end this way. That we'd be great friends and so on and so forth and then end up here in silence. Figures.
PS. Feels a whole hell of a lot like Twilight, and yes I know I should be smacked for again referencing myself to the quality literature of Meyers, kind of makes me Team Edward after all this. Hearts are fickle things.
Apparently all the hormones that had left my body had found their way into a boy with a case of cabin fever and a desire to make me blush. I believe you young'ins call it sexting, wasn't quite that but let's just say he wasn't discrete. So there I was trying to figure out how to remove the picture of AB in my head that was accompanying MW's descriptions, I know I am really horrible, and all the while I was trying to figure out how the hell this all happened. Since when did I start wearing an open for all and any business sign because contrary to what seems to be happening that ain't the case. So anyways MW enjoyed himself and I occupied the swirling room, tile floor sitting time with a little humor. So back to this general issue, I expressed to MW I'm not that kind of girl - I love/loved AB so I could rationalize the dysfunctional nature of all that, but well MW is a friend at best, we don't hang out, he lives on a island and all that, and while there are those that argue that's great, it will happen and I can kick him from my bed and the mainland and be done with it. Well I know my heart won't have any part in it. Why is that we think that our hearts should?
PS Next time I drink please just take my phone from me and well maybe I just shouldn't drink, combine medications and fluctuating hormones...
Friday, December 11, 2009
*Prince Charming: He's the one every man out there on a white horse or vintage 10 speed is competing with whether he knows it or not...And he's not mine, nor does he even know me to be honest. I doubt Arielle really knew the Prince. She knew enough to somehow want him, to believe he was better then the Mermen of the Sea with their rippling chests and shiny scaled tails. So sure they were equal on the chests front, but were lungs and legs enough to sway her heart? I guess so. I'm not sure when he took control of the spot, or maybe it has always been his, which would not surprise me, I knew him before I liked boys. He functions like Carrie's Mr. Big, unattainable, unavailable and yet the attachment has been unbreakable. I would love to dethrone this one, but I am unsure of how, of how to have him abdicate his throne for another, a real and non-mystical love for all time. In the interim, I feel like Sleeping Beauty, paralyzed, in this limbo of waiting. However mine of course is more metaphorical, and is in some way of my own choosing, and is in my hands to control, sort of. There is still his tethering to my the floral platform of blissful bondage. My waiting is not like hers, my life is still going on, I'm aging - she did not apparently or she waited a really short time. I'm getting to experience emotions and life and all those twist the tether and chafe me, but here I am trying to start my own emotional and intellectual coup, an internal act of treason just so I can move on to another and start the process all over again.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Let's review this shall we? I have a had a year of mediocre at best dates and one whatever you want to call it "relationship." One was a marathoner now a die hard skier (OM) and the others not overly athletic aside from biking everywhere. Will I run for the rest of my life? I sure hope so. Now I'm aware it isn't a deal breaker, all the women I know who are runners are married, but on the other hand all are vocal about their frustrations that their pursuit isn't always honored... not my place on that issue. Here's my issue - I like distances - marathon distances and strongly looking at ultra's, and those are time consuming. Not just the races, but the training long runs. A 20 miler on a Saturday morning is easily 3hrs, 4 if breakfast is factored in...and most evenings there are 10-15 mile runs... So did I just pick my future? Marathoning and sporatic veganism over someone in my bed and life?
Just look - it isn't that bad a choice is it?
Monday, December 07, 2009
1. Reflector strips
2. ID bracelet
3. Air Miles - millions of them
4. Movie Theatre gift card so Ms J and I can resume our Friday night get drunk and watch a movie dates
5. Banana Republic gift card - new suiting would be fab
8. Compression Tights - notice a theme...
Let's be frank folks anything alcohol related isn't going to last and the same goes for Starbucks, so aside from cash or all my race days paid for the up coming year there isn't a whole lot else.
One thing that I wouldn't get but would love would be a IPod stocked with a running play list - I being a woman am technically challenged - correction I can handle office IT/server issues, Apple products scare me....
Friday, December 04, 2009
So anyways entertain yourselves with the following this weekend, thanks to Advice from a Single Girl:
Your partner: MIA
Your hair: Shoulder length (maybe)
Your mother: Gave birth to me
Your father: Pie Maker Extraordinaire
Your favorite item: Pearl Earrings
Your dream last night: Dreamt about styling my hair in 40's victory rolls...
Your favorite drink: Cosmopolitan, or any not too sweet martini
Your dream car: is not something I have considered
Your dream home: In it at the moment in that it's stable, it's warm and it feels like home to me
The room you are in: one I want to be out of in a few hours hopefully
Your ex: Is a long story
Your fear: Heights
Where you want to be in ten years: In a job that contributes joy to my life
Who you hung out with last night: HSBFF and her family
What you're not: Tall
Muffins: Are not cupcakes and cupcakes are better
One of your wish list items: Miles, tonnes of airmiles so flying will be less pricey this year
Time: Is often wasted
The last thing you did: Booked an appointment
What you are wearing: wouldn't you like to know?
Your favorite weather: Fall, sun with crisp fallness
Your favorite book: Jane Eyre
Last thing you ate: Licorice Allsorts
Your life: Is moving on with me in tow I hope
Your mood: Meh
Your best friends: are those I am transparent with
What are you thinking about right now: I don't know what I want for lunch
Your car: is shared with many others, and helps the planet
What are you doing at the moment: Avoiding people
Your summer: Planned
Relationship status: is the title of the blog
What is on your tv: Turned off
What is the weather like: Cold and clear
When is the last time you laughed: with HSBFF
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
So deep breath time to start clearing everyone off the slate for a while. That includes dragging Ms. J to see DB, avoiding BB and keeping a safe distance from everyone.
Monday, November 30, 2009
6pm Window shopped - I tried on a few pairs of what Ms. Winehouse has labeled F me pumps... I will be returning for the pair that didn't have the 5 inch heel..., visited Banana so Ms. J could fondle the cashmere and I could try on a few dresses all which were unsatisfactory
8pm Booze! Thanks to the local "chain" restaurant's double and triple martini offer - I had me a double and a salad - you know to balance out all the calories... Chatted the wonders of a new job for Ms. J, travel, men and all sorts of things...
11pm Shower and snuggled into bed.
So why a day with the girls and not a boy - well I had no touchy feely drunk boys like AL to deal with, no emotional outbursts and while I like games night at AB's - I am actually beginning to resent him... figures it would happen - I'm trying not to completely sour to him but I know it's inevitable.
So to the lovely single men out there you don't need to replace Ms. J you just need to make me want to spend more time with you than with her. Not too hard is it?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
So here's the deal I am not happy with my options. I mean in theory I would be happy with AB if he stopped acting the fool. MW is funny and a good friend and a strategic friend given his job, but in the end I don't think we can gel so that traveling with me to races and living in the city would work... so I am going to be moving forward single? I guess so. I am going to be looking for travel friends in the future - there is a race in DC in March...
I guess what I'm getting at as jet lag is doing bad things to my brain is this whole relationship thing is proving itself useless at this point. Back to that whole happy and single thing...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Did I mention I'm terrified?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
AB hasn't texted. I kind of figured, and yet I didn't. I didn't think we'd go 24 hours not texting just because, sure we have before under other reasons. To add to all this I guess I need to add another person to the list... *deep breath*
I have a confession. I have done online meeting - not online dating - because I have not "dated" any of the men I have met. I have however made friends - made long term friends with two men I found on a site devoted to people of the same religious/socio-cultural heritage. I met one of them, we had fun, but there wasn't sparks then. Now? Who knows I've done a lot of therapy and hell of a lot else in my life. While I would like to say I have changed, in many ways I don't believe that I've changed in ways to make me any more attractive to this person - in the sense of long term goals. I know he's ready to settle down more or less, and all that - anyways I'm not getting to the crux of things. We've been cheekily flirting I guess via FB and Twitter, he's funny, he's got his shit together, and as much as I wish I could tap AB on the shoulder and say see - I guess I could say see what - someone not far but not close to me, someone who I don't know if I would spark with all over again - I don't know. *deep breath* This is where I try and pry all that I've given to AB away from him since he isn't sure enough so that I know he doesn't really want it in the end - y'all know what I am getting at... and just move forward. Move on towards an expensive educational pursuit and whatever else life has in store.
So on that note we give him a name - More wilderness boy than this city girl can handle. I think that works
To my cousin I have this to say:
1. Let's all now eliminate that belief you will marry Edward he's fiction, Robert is an actor much too old for you, as for marrying a vampire - well honey I am not going to go there.
2. Your first kiss is going to be awkward, hell even at 20 mine was more awkward than I want to go through again. It likely won't take your breath away, it might, maybe I am a pessimist. Actually now that I think about, wait until you are in your late 20's, have too much gin one night, and after flirting with a boy you've wanted to kiss for months - then that kiss will take your breath away, and do all that other stuff Hollywood promises you. Note #4, because you won't want to stop there.
3. Young boys are just hormones, they haven't mastered smooth yet, they think they have so learn this and learn this quickly because it will hopefully be less obvious the older you get - they will take whatever advantage you offer. The skeezy ones will take even what you don't offer that is what pepper spray and older brothers/dads are for.
4. The above becomes your reality in reverse, you'll be coy while you are young and cute, and once that uterus starts talking, that game goes out the window - you'll become friends with Victoria to help out the gals and Grey Goose to help make that boy on the stool next to you less annoying.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hint 1: Big Race Weekend
Hint 2: "Warmish" weather - note that is a VERY relative term
Hint 3: Time zone change
I know that helps big time - I'm going to be reading this book and sleeping a lot this weekend.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
1. I will always text rather than call, I hate using the phone other than at work - AB and I don't talk on the phone unless it REALLY requires it.
2. I've been to the vast majority of the western states via bus and train...
3. I hate Las Vegas for it's wasteful food portions, and the inability to find healthy food options...
4. Vegan for 2+ years would go back in a heart beat if it didn't make me a dating leper
5. I have a huge girl crush on Dita
6. I love the words: cheeky, corruption and sea hag
7. The name of the ex fiance is the same name of the first boy I publicly liked - bad juju name
8. I don't drive, I do not have a licence - for environmental, social, financial and personal/practical reasons
9. I don't carry anything other than an oversized designer handbag, especially not luggage, as I informed the nice young man at the local sports co-op... kind of cute in a I ride mountain bikes kind of way...reminds me of a nice Dr in Engineering boy I liked in high school who loved mountain bikes, he also likes tall waif like blonds (not at all like me in case you are curious)
10. I do not like Floridian water, say what you want, but it's so salty and warm in a pee'd in the pool like of temperature
11. I used to and still love to sing this song, it's my early friendship with HSBFF bottled in a song, but note I will NEVER sing it solo in public, though put it on in a car, and well... it might happen
*everything can be qualified of course but these are definite truths outside of the disclaimer - crazy...
I would like to tag - Advice from a Single Girl, Ms. J, L and CC
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
4. Curse little children (not at their faces though)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
2. Adopting @ 33 - kids are more important to me, shocking I know
4. That an ultra marathon might take me two years to get to being ready for... 50miles (eek - 26.2 is causing serious fear at the moment)
5.I have grey hair but no worries folks, you won't see it when Ms. J gets through with my tresses - shaving them all off, wigs forever - that way I could look like Marilyn or a 40's starlet every day of my life... or not.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Oddly I feel really torn about the whole thing - I want kids damn it, not that the world wants me to, god knows they likely won't want me, but right now it doesn't seem like an option unless I go solo in my old age... and to add to all my emotional frustrations AB is chirping about me finding Mr. Perfect. Perfect hole in my head I seem to be able to find, but Mr. Perfect, he doesn't exist, right now I'm going for Mr. Not a Criminal, I am actually straight, faithful and will be a good dad, and you don't make me cringe - anything beyond that is icing... like the fireworks and all that - got that once in a lifetime and look where that got me, the rest is apparently WAY more important to get in line.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I mean I know I seem to attract severely broken/commitment phobic men BI semi excluded, the rest definitely fit in there. Which is funny considering Ms. J recently phrased something I've heard several times before, I'm intimidating. AB says no, I don't know if AB has seen me angry, I am sure he will some day... So if that is the case why to I seem to find the ones who aren't prepare to fight me? Not like combat, I'm a pacifist, but I think you know what I mean...
Enough with my type issues, AB likes a certain type, BI likes a certain type though his partner doesn't have that aspect, and so on... so do types really matter? Can we break them? Or in AB's case is he destined to forever pick women who are ___, well I couldn't go and tell you know can I? What? And reveal my secret identity? Let's just say that I was once told I looked like a celebrity who dances ballet and lives in London, believe she's a Canadian as well... figure who she is and ta da you might have a picture or not...
Turkey,India and Spain were all thrown around last year - the issues being Turkey isn't the safest place to be... India I want to go for like a month to 3 months and spend time in an ashram - doesn't scream being mean to your liver type fun, and Spain, well if I touch Europe I want to see it ALL!! So I'm thinking let's head south? or West?
Note I am going to be seeing a P state this year, and next year Oklahoma (again woot!) and NYC at minimum. Likely another state in the early fall like one of the Carolina's... though not entirely sure...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Can I go back to my simple single life? Figure out what just dating looks like without employing the common online dating technique or similar options
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
I am going to be spending some time in a city that he now lives in, since what the hell when, and now I'm trying to figure out how to hide while I'm in this said city. Yes I'm aware it's a large city, I'm also aware fate/life has a very cruel sense of timing, and I wouldn't for the life of me be surprised if I saw him... so I'm trying to figure out what kind of disguise I'm going to have to factor in... I've dyed my hair since the separation and I'm pretty sure he isn't aware of that given those pics have been limited for security reasons... beyond that I'm not sure what I can do other than leave it off my Facebook status so no one gives him an inadvertent heads up - since we still have mutual friends.
1. Status Quo
2. No more events together - movie night, games night, visit to the Taxidermy exhibit...
3. 2 with the removal of all text message communication
4. 2+3+ block on Facebook for X amount of time
5. 2+3+4+ have an Eternal Sunshine moment...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
No I haven't added another AB, trust me, one in this lifetime is enough, would have been enough, but I think I need to stop the verbal/cranial diarrhea...but regardless.
So I found myself last night standing in the cold of the impending fall, it was cold to me, whether it was actually cold is another issue, being rude and trying find my keel again. I called AB, typing a message on FB on my Crackberry is as annoying as getting my SBucks drink made with milk instead of soy... so I had the joy of saying things in plain language like the lines on the white stick stress moment and listening to silence. Um ya AB, so you can't commit now, and you wonder why I didn't call and say hey my non-boyfriend we've got a little situation here, wondering if you wanted to come hold my hand and then run to the liquor store for a toasting beverage or a shot of courage for you. In the end the situation is as it was before - we're "friends" I'm beginning to feel that horrendous Kelly Clarkson song coming on like a deranged episode of Once More With Feeling, I'm going to break into, "don't waste your time trying to fix, what I want to erase, what I need to forget, don't waste your time on me my friend, friend, what does that even mean." Maybe this is a sign that I need to do as Ms. J has suggested, cut all ties, delete him, block him and move on... likely would be a good thing if I could do that, spending time without him is enough of a step at this moment, in time I think the other will come. Right now I'm trying to take one step at a time away from AB. Since yes we all can say I'm crazy about him and even crazier that I think that. Could someone commit me to the rehab all the celebrities go to, the ones with all the booze and drugs, that way I could get the supervised vay-cay I need. Meh, I guess it's just time to up the miles on the daily run.
For the record - I don't believe anyone can be fixed with a relationship or without or any of that business - we can be healthier - but that health thing is an individual journey in my opinion....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Because damn it, I shouldn't but I do...
Because this will be me and Ms. J actually that almost was me being Christina - instead of my regular Meredith role, though I have to say I agree with her about tequilla - vodka is more my poison...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I have said and can be quoted as saying to LMDTB, whatever you give up know the risks, if it's worth it to you do it. I recant. I recant because I did something with AB that I thought I knew the risks about, and now I realize I miscalculated in an area that most people don't even need to factor in. I forgot to, decided to ignore, or a little bit of both, the AB is not committed and lets be really frank with ourselves will never be despite how he perpetually spins it. So ya, that decision, made way to a repeat of the decision a few times and other actions on my part, involving waiting for some pink lines, thankfully just one appeared. And so if you haven't caught the drift of the song and dance, I will be happily and freely drinking at Chez Moi alone or accompanied on Friday, come join, I might get drunk enough to haul the whole sordid mess out of my soul so we can exorcise this darkness. Because it needs to be done before I come to the anger stage - you know it is a part of the grieving process, and I and Lady Anger are distant friends, we know each other, and well let's just say she's due for a visit, so I can go through the motions of what the hell is your problem, so much for all you said, and then as she gets ready to leave, I get the fun part of taking responsibility, though that being said in all this mess. I have thought about that - how much responsibility is it for me to carry - two people made a choice, one person who knew in his heart he didn't love me...
Yay for sharing!!