I Resolve...

To re-evaluate my dating theory/policy. Out of the 6 men this year that I dated,* all were not future options for various reasons - though it should be noted all for different reasons - so thankfully I don't really have a type - one was a closet case looking for his 50's housewife, one was frigid and boring, one a commitment/growing up phobic, other a chronic cheater, one left recently at the alter and the last one a pity date that I wholly beyond words regret because now I've got a semi-stalker and a Sbucks I can no longer go to... so on that note:

1. No pity dates - that means if even if hell froze over you still wouldn't date them, you shouldn't just to find an easy way out of the awkwardness

2. No dating man-child's, it's not a good thing all around - you can love them as friends and appreciate their insight into Avatar, The Last Airbender and share their love of sports... beyond that while I want children, I would prefer to be raising them, rather than living with one.

3. I resolve to with Ms. J cast the net far and wide for options and as such will accept matchmaking...for those local, if you know where local is there will be a blog popping up on the subject with application forms... this is the grand result of two single women finishing off a large bottle of Baileys in 2 1/2 days while play Pandemic...

4. To apart from all this focus on getting the hell out of my lovely management job and into school full time because y'all know I'm super excited about it...

But before that all comes into play I will be with V, Ms J and a gaggle of other ladies at V's house party - drinking, playing board games, eating Moroccan meatballs and dulce de leche (my contributions) all while in lovely party dresses... good times for sure.

6 Word Memoirs...

I have a handful of addictions - caffeine, vodka, vintage fashion, high-high heels and book stores. Bookstores get me more excited than anyone has, well anyone other than AB to this point in my life... I know it's a different kind of excitement, but the euphoria is similar. The smell of used books makes my toes curl along with the sides of my lips as they form a smile. So in our attempt to avoid a perma-drunk state as well as get fresh air Ms. J and I found ourselves in the local independent bookstore. I left with a handful of books. One of the smallest and in many ways simplest addition to my expensive book collection is 6 Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak. The premise simple, 6 words to describe any aspect of the topic.
Some examples:
Love blooms like crocuses: dirty, brave.

It helps to label the books.

Lost my virginity to her husband.

And so the book goes on... so my dear readers I think it's time to add some to the book.

Boys suck. The End. Wanna Date? - courtesy of Ms. J

Even returned the empty conditioner bottle.

I run, catch me, we'll discuss.

Hugs from behind are not mutual.

Love = carrying me when feet hurt.

Your turn...

Lists Can Be a Dangerous Thing...

I remember having lists for everything. The lists of the boys I liked eventually migrated to the lists of universities I wanted to attend and then lists for the courses, the books and everything university related, then lists for where to live, and now the lists are mostly where to travel to next for a race - all are local except for Chicago and Philadelphia in the fall it seems... Lists are tricky things - they give us satisfaction when you can cross things off, but sometimes the things listed can be all wrong in either context, motivation or topic or all of those. For example be married by 30 (I am disclosing I'm not yet - how close to it I will not reveal...), start world population increase at 32, finish at 34 and so on and so forth... or a list for his qualifications - good paying job or artist, runner or other sport, educated, can cook and clean, wants kids....

So both lists aren't that bad in theory, gives you purpose and direction, but I think now is the time where I get to look back and reminisce with y'all - 2009 in list form:

1. Owner of 3, count them 3 Crackberry's - so close to getting an iPhone
2. Introduced 3rd roommate in 3 years to the mix - I'm good luck - one's married, one's now in University and the 3rd seems to be on her way down the aisle too...
3. "Dated" more men then I wish I had this year - all were duds
4. Watched more in theatre films than I think I can remember (Rachel Getting Married, The Young Victoria, Duplicity, New Moon, Harry Potter, The International, The Reader, The Hangover, State of Play come to mind though I am sure there are more...)
5. Lived without a laptop and the Internet at home - just barely
6.Visited Chicago, Minneapolis, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle and Portland to name a few of my travels.
7. Purchased more shoes than I think I could ever justify in a lifetime and I still don't think I really have enough.
8. Finally decorated my office after 2 years of employment
9. Painted the entire office as part of "force holidays" this year (fun 3 days)
10. Spent all important holidays away from my family and with Ms. J and her family
11. Ran 2 Half Marathons and 1 Marathon
12. Almost kicked my Sbucks habit thanks to my avoiding BB
13. Agreed to disagree with Gin, Tequila and whatever else I've consumed over this past year except of vodka of course - we'll always be BFF's
14. Traveled with Ms. J and learned to be weary of her when she pulls out her camera, she's likely filming

And likely many more accomplishments like sticking with my god awful expensive therapist, being sexted by MW of which should likely be discussed with therapist, got a TV which replaced my laptop etc.

So my future includes this lovely sensible list and not a list like this:

1. Don't re-pseudo date AB or do anything that involves AB
2. Stop pity dates - they just waste time and result in shitty side hugs after a whole day wasted or result in the BB fiasco.
3. Only drink gin if you plan on going back on number 1 in a big way
4. Run all the races you've planned (1 1ok trail, 1 half, 4 marathons)
5. Get a tan this year for goodness sake even if it takes all freaking summer
6. Finish school off for a while
7. "Invest" in club wear so that you can take advantage of BR while she's still around
8. Fix the DVD player
9. Avoid any legal proceeding that may arise from rash job related reactions...
10. Spend more time with Ms. J - Friday Night dates return - teach her to love sports

Better as a Memory**

Memories are funny things, they fail us, they distort in the framework of time and place, they are rarely if ever honest with us, they capture a photograph from our sole perspective of a brief glimpse of moment. They are fragile, they are violent, they are abusive, they are everything we don't want them to be and yet we hold to them so bitterly as their being defines us. I remember...

Well I remember a time when this song was just a song that L and I used to sing to in the tiny hall between our two rooms. L and I both single all those years ago used to for some bizarre reason say that this song would be our break up song. L moved on and married and I moved on and engaged, unengaged and unsuccessfully for many reasons dated a man that his roommate calls juvenile - a 31 year old man being called juvenile. He's caught in the fractured memory of loves gone wrong of loves where the memory has been come better than the reality, so much so that there is an increased desire for the reality. He wants her back, she's not his to take, but her hold is strong. It seems that looking at the men who have come through my life - there are always these women, I know that I in many respects is that woman for CEF oddly enough. The one or two women who fracture a man's desire for maturity, commitment and forward growth.... but we lost the trail.. the trail is this, a song that in many way captures everything in either lyrics or beauty of the movement...

**The title is a line from a song that's been rolling around in my head, - "I'm better as a memory than as your man" I think that sums up AB well

I Offer The Next Holiday on the Agenda

Start Planning! Actually I'm posting the video because while it may be sappy junk it has some good lines in this lovely tidbit, so while I'm drinking myself out of my slippers and under a table, artificial Christmas tree or something else other than AB who I might add I am allowed to stupidly mope about for the remainder of this year... here's my offering. And fear not my dear ones I have officially lost his number so there will be no drunk texting to be discussed, nevermind I'm going to be a whole freaking country away... though that would make for a delicious blog, but oh he of iron will is long good, good riddance I hope the next one rips him the new one that I should have or something like that... I can say that with no fear because Santa knows I've been bad this year and I offer no apologies, none what so ever for being naughty.

Ode to My Third Crackberry

I am likely running around like I would in a half price Louboutin sale today: packing, running, commuting, working, commuting, dinnering with AB's roommate/retrieving still missing items/avoiding AB lest I do something I will but won't regret..., packing illegal items for travel past security (danish dough), and sleeping (very briefly) before starting it all over again tomorrow... I must discuss my Crackberry. I love it and it hates me. I am on my third. My first one loved me and I him, until October, then he decided to quit me when I didn't quit AB... hmmm interesting. The replacement quit me while I was travelling for the race and after crying on the phone with tech support for the millionth time I have been blessed with a new baby that so far (3 hours into said ownership) has been good....

However it has no numbers... when I changed SIN's as a requirement before they would give me my third phone they were suppose to transfer over my numbers too... alas they didn't and so I am without my numbers. Now you would think this wouldn't be an issue, just throw my number up on FB and it would all be wonderful. Well see here is the deal. I bought a Crackberry, changed my billing account and number because of CEF. My number is a very closely guarded secret, no one who doesn't know about CEF and sworn to hold the number until the day I change it is allowed to have it... so now here I am no numbers and a phone that works... Merry Christmas to me... actually I know it will be lovely with or without the phone since it will be full of fun kitchen times with Ms. J and lots and lots of booze (Bring on the Baileys!), my falling apart AE jeans and my Lulu hoodie time, to relax finally before employing my hockey playing skills on the girls at the Nike outlet on Boxing Day - hands off the capris.

Christmas Songs...

I have to say I don't mind being single this time of year... but I do mind this song. For two reasons for one if Santa existed the last thing I would want is him to gift wrap in some fashion a man for me and shove it under my Christmas tree. For one I would doubt that I would know him, two he'd be kidnapped and how would I explain that - I kidnapped a stranger who is somehow destined to be "my baby" and all that...

Joking about the specific song aside, it seems to be the main theme in the non-traditional secular/commercially acceptable songs - love. Yes love can be gift wrapped and given... well that's the theme of the season isn't it - I give you something and you believe I love you based on the gift size, thought or something similar... But beyond that, why is it that we want love in this way? Or at all... that sounds pessimistic, but let me explain. I like having someone, sure it's great, it has tonnes of wonderful benefits, but as of late it has come with more hassle and so I know that it's a process, it's not a check off the list kind of situation. Though yes we all have lists of some sort - they change over the years - the negotiables and non-negotiables change to some degree. I know what I avoid - I avoid athletes, hockey players to be specific... they smell like equipment (aka ripe death) and puck bunnies, the triathletes and runners are fine - the swimmers kind of scare me as I'm not so sure I want a man more invested in his hair removal than I am...

I am digressing - the point to all this is AR has started with EHarmony and so has everyone else I know who is single - and while I would in some way like to consider it as a way of maybe just finding a running partner to join the group, get to know etc - I think the whole process becomes like that Brittney Spears song - we place all our hopes that it's going to all come neatly gift wrapped and we don't see the oddity of all of it... guess this all means I will be embracing singleness instead of AB this upcoming season and that's good, non?

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/superamit/334440844/

I Hate Christmas...

But not the reason for the holiday. Please let me clarify:

Christmas starts for me November 12, it is the dawn of that day that I have to pull out the list from last year, tweek it and start ordering. Ordering dozens of gift baskets, planning Christmas parties, buying "team building" staff gifts, Excel spreadsheets as far as the eye can see, hundreds of Christmas cards and on and on and on it goes until the last Tuesday before Christmas. It is that day that I am freed from my work shackles and proceed with Christmas as shortly there after. It is for this reason I normally buy my gifts online while I am ordering my work related gifts. I have forgone Christmas baking. I have no tree, though we do have lights normally thrown up the first weekend after the 11th of November and hauled down about the 14th of February (or whenever I can).... I hate the hustle and bustle, it's not fun, there is no joy in the stress...

Though let me say that I am trying and I notice more and more that everyone around me is trying to outside of their work stress to quell the insanity. More of us are ordering online and preferably from places like Etsy (homemade and/or local), or opting as I did more last year purchasing donations, most of female peers have even forgone the buying of Christmas outfits and salon visits. We've all grown up with the catalogues and honestly a more simple way of Christmas and somewhere in our teen years Christmas changed - maybe it was the introduction of cheaper electronics, maybe it was just our generation, but it changed. I understand the frustration, I understand the stress. So instead I pose these suggestions....

1.List it - early on, make a list and stick to it

2.Simplify it all - the list, your plans, everything

3. Community it - I think the best part of Christmas has come with the more I do "Christmas related" activities with those around me - baking, shopping, Christmas itself...

4. Give - while yes we all want stuff, I was no worse off because people gave in my name last year and nor were those I did the same for - yet I believe that some people were better off - namely the families with access to clean water, children educated, young girls at risk protected and the animals provided (even though yes the vegan in me does find that one hard at times). Oxfam, World Vision, Unicef, your local food bank and the list goes on...

5. Drink - Water, vodka, coffee and repeat until it all gets better... or maybe not, just take time for you

And stay away from Walmart or any big box store for that matter, the Hellmouth of the Holidays...

As a personal opinion side note - I do love the reason for this holiday, sure it conveniently usurped some pagan holiday and we all know it wasn't on December 25th that the said event happened, but it means something to me all the same - so here are if you are interested two of the songs I love at this time of year they aren't standards but they are still well the reason I opt to celebrate despite all that seems be utterly wrong with the way we choose to celebrate as a society.

Labor of Love - Andrew Peterson

I Celebrate the Season - Reliant K

Merry Christmas - May You Find Peace in these less than Peaceful Times

Love S&P

In Defense of Twilight

Preface: Of the limited facts I disclose about myself I will say this I have a BA English. I believe that literature is like food, there is good food full of complex flavors, the kind that is served at Craft, there is the food that sustained you through your life to this point (in theory staples vegetables, starches and proteins) and then there is what I eat every 28 days or so - a bag of baked Kettle Chips and a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper. Twilight is the literary equivalent of the chips and pop. It is good for a moment, it does its duty. However, it is not the complexity of Rushdie or Woolf nor is it the sustaining foundation of Chaucer or Shakespeare. *Deep Sigh*

For men - you don't need to understand Twilight, that is sort of the point that you wouldn't. You wouldn't be expected to read any "chick-lit" and understand it, let alone enjoy it. It's okay you have already been absolved of any involvement in it. However I understand that you want to know what the fascination/attraction is. Vampires. Simple as that, at the heart of every straight laced daughter, girlfriend, mother, wife is a little mini daredevil who wants that crazy kind of love that has danger that they never bat an eye at. This is "clean" danger - no drugs, no alcohol, no laws broken and no one will fault you for it - it's the best of both worlds.

On the subject of vampires I must say that maybe due to my age or just his more "bad" nature Spike from Buffy is still the best... I digress. It's not just about vampires though because as our current run on vampire theme programs shows vampires come in all different sexual fantasy formats...
So why the whole Edward and Bella, Bella and Jacob and Bella and Edward again saga, well it's simple:

1. Desire -Every woman of sane mind wants to be wanted by someone they want to be wanted by. Ie. we are discriminate to a point - may my high school grad date be an example - when you're the last one they've asked and you can't remember talking to them at that point - they are not in that previously noted category - AB would be... Bella gets this with Edward and then with Jacob to some respect.

2. Heartbreak - Good old fashion heart ripped from its sockets being left with a hole to be soaked and preserved with tequila, brined with tears and stuffed full of Black Cherry ice cream. If you are too young to have one it's glamorous, if you've put enough miles on your heart it somehow makes you feel like a veteran comparing battle wounds.

3. Lust - I think we've started to crack this one - but here's the deal as part of 1 - Bella has the "hots" for Edward, Jacob has them for Bella and I am sure if Edward had a soul he would for Bella... but here's the important part. Most women due to some wiring get more "frisky" shall we say when there is all the other emotions involved - like love, trust, security etc. The whole book is written like this - Edward and Bella fall in love in the perfect fairytale format, deep, trusting, transparent and slightly gritty. And it's repeated in the friendship turned other format with Jacob. Both formats have the female readers engrossed and then all lusty for whichever character is involved.

4. Danger - as mentioned above - loving the boy who is no good for you - it's a disease - some of us kick it, some of us don't...

5. Disney - for the love of fish sticks when you were 4, every woman who has read these books has been brainwashed by Disney, we all somewhere flick the switch when reading the books that say it will happen, it will be beautiful and easy and he'll devote himself eternally to me.... yadda yadda, cue the Prince from the Little Mermaid and me frolicking in the sea...

As to the movies, well the movies are trashy - they are actually quite horrible in that Jacob is jail bait for the large majority of the audience and yet when he takes of his shirt in New Moon the sounds of the cat calls and whistles was oddly humorous... anyways. Men fear not you need not like, love or even accept the books just don't tell Ms. J that I believe Edward sheds sparkles, and as long as everyone remains Team Spike/Buffy we'll all be good...

Time Out

I have been trying to get my head back in my body and extract my heart from my brain for the last two days... it's slowly working. Oh so very slowly. Thankfully the mere mention of another man and heartbreak and all that cooled off MW in a hurry. But really that's not the purpose for this blog, oddly enough I am going to take time out from my vintage clothing obsession, love of Jo Malone fragrance (Agave and Cacao if anyone has still yet to purchase me a gift...) and let you know of the gift I give my grandparents every year. No not puzzles or denture destroying caramels, rather it's water. I give them the gift of water because oddly enough that is what they ask for check out...

Active Water and/or BloodWaterMission

Both options provide water - and oddly enough I will say that I didn't know about Active Water but I will now most definitely see myself running the Chicago race instead of my planned Portland race in October....

As I Was Awake Last Night at 1:30am

I resisted the urge to text someone I couldn't even text - I had deleted the number, now true it is written down in my purse with everyone else's numbers of importance because of the nature of my phone as of late... but I thought about all the memories that I want to remember... so in the vein of catharsis and all that here starts that list mostly in order

1. Miss 50's party
2. Texts from NYC to home
3. Birthday party
4. A week later dropping off cookies and staying out so late walking around the downtown that AR called to make sure I was alive
5. Indian food - racing to get to the same bus stop from opposite sides of town, we arrived at the exact same time
6. Celebration of Country's nationhood day
7. Ms. J's birthday party
8. Monday movie nights
9. Texting from home to Montreal
10. Continuation of Monday night movies, adding Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, some Sundays too - late late bus rides home and all that
11. Being introduced to Avatar, becoming addicted
12. Taking care of him when he was sick
13. Being taken care of when I became sick
14. The weekend that has been over analysed on the blog
15. The following weekend that involved lots of gin... and so the story went
16. More movie nights...
17. The night
18. Following nights...blah blah blah
19. Race weekend - the I miss you, rather be with you weekend
20. One of multiple attempts at a break
21. Philadelphia weekend
22. Texting stopped
23. And here we stand... it was so much more sappy and poetic in my mind but hell you don't want that and those memories are pretty clear still from the last 6 months.

Nasty part of all this is I'll miss all of it, the firsts, the hand holding, snuggles, his smell... oh well someone just spike my morning coffee and this day will be all good.

Therapy

I am all for cheap therapy, like completely rearranging your office the way you've wanted to for the last two years instead of say doing the accounting all while shoving as many brownies as you can in your yap...

I did that, while listening to this, and planning with AB's roommate to have dinner with her, her beau and retrieving all my stuff. I'm not out to steal friend or have people take sides, I just think this is all the shits that I have the potential to lose them all too if I don't handle things as delicately as possible, even pseudo breakups seem to be hard... I need a run.

Part 3 of 3

So as the house attempted to return to normal yesterday morning, BR replaced me in the bathroom - she had added tequila to the Merlot - and I moped the floor and the watched a full day of football. I came to realize that AB hadn't texted, hadn't really at all since I returned from Philadelphia. Something happened during that trip that I can't put my finger on, or really want to, to be honest. He's moody, he says he misses me, wants to see me, but seems to do everything to avoid that. So I might want him, I might miss him, and I might even truly love him, but those don't matter, because I know that the longer I sit here, the more it all just sours my life. So I overruled all those things and began the eternal sunshine treatment. It won't be that hard to stop the texting, but the missing him part well hell that might just feel like hell. In the end I've have enough of his silence, whether it is due to his distance in all this or somepassive aggressive moody stance, regardless I'm leaving all of this behind me.

Sure I have a shit load of stuff that has found it's way to his place over the last 6 plus months, but I can contact his roommates or really anyone else to procure all that for me whenever I feel like that, to be honest part of me wants to see him cave, find out if there is a soul in him somewhere... So there we have it, the inevitable. It still makes me sad that it would end this way. That we'd be great friends and so on and so forth and then end up here in silence. Figures.

PS. Feels a whole hell of a lot like Twilight, and yes I know I should be smacked for again referencing myself to the quality literature of Meyers, kind of makes me Team Edward after all this. Hearts are fickle things.

Part 2 of 3

So about MW.... Hmm, what do the kids call it these days... Sorry I guess before I reveal that I should back this story up. As I was watching the shitty paint job my landlord did on the walls of my room circle around me, MW was busy FB messaging me (after the initial tweet)... he's got a computer and I have a Crackberry, it's about the only way we communicate...

Apparently all the hormones that had left my body had found their way into a boy with a case of cabin fever and a desire to make me blush. I believe you young'ins call it sexting, wasn't quite that but let's just say he wasn't discrete. So there I was trying to figure out how to remove the picture of AB in my head that was accompanying MW's descriptions, I know I am really horrible, and all the while I was trying to figure out how the hell this all happened. Since when did I start wearing an open for all and any business sign because contrary to what seems to be happening that ain't the case. So anyways MW enjoyed himself and I occupied the swirling room, tile floor sitting time with a little humor. So back to this general issue, I expressed to MW I'm not that kind of girl - I love/loved AB so I could rationalize the dysfunctional nature of all that, but well MW is a friend at best, we don't hang out, he lives on a island and all that, and while there are those that argue that's great, it will happen and I can kick him from my bed and the mainland and be done with it. Well I know my heart won't have any part in it. Why is that we think that our hearts should?

PS Next time I drink please just take my phone from me and well maybe I just shouldn't drink, combine medications and fluctuating hormones...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nshepard/1263499165/

Part 1 of 3

It was an interesting weekend that warrants an update in parts.

So DB was not dethroned via conventional methods, there was a breakdown in communication with Ms. J. I got my hormonal self out of bed finally at 4pm on Saturday to get ready. Instead of heading out I spent the evening in Velcro rollers, jeans and a Lululemon hoodie. But fear not all fun was not lost. BR and her friends has a party to attend and started the drinking early, so I was mixing my Midol and Merlot (not to be done again)... I managed to avoid the clubs with them due to my non-existent club wear. I have to say it's been an interesting year shopping wise, I've purchased almost no work clothes and instead have a closet full of running gear and some date appropriate clothing, now a club/party outfit needs to be added to combination... did I mention I don't dance, not that I have anything I against it, I can't. But we are digressing. So I watched the game with Merlot in hand, bid adieu to BR and eventually I wandered off to bed. Well lo and behold the M and M combo made me violently nauseous at about 1:30-2am, about the same time MW twitmessaged me. So in my rotating room, keeled over haze I found myself venturing into Part 2.

But we'll leave that for a moment, back to DB. He was found in the cards to be one of patience. Years have been spent on this pining and I've really just given up. The stars would have to realign and major changes to be had if this were to be. So DB is freed but well damn it as I've said a few blogs back the relationship well has most blessedly run dry.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/visiwalk/6077014/

Dethroning...

I posted a longish series on Prince Charming* aka PC's (known as DB on this blog) in a previous blogging lifetime ago (I have pasted the crux of the idea at the bottom of this blog), and this weekend in an attempt to deal with mine I'm dragging Ms. J along to see if I can dethrone mine. I know it sounds a little crazy but as part of this whole get rid of anything that reeks of this past year or previous years of dating he's on the chopping block. I'll let you know how it goes, likely it will involve the mere sight of him turning me into a ditsy mute, which I know Ms. J will love.

*Prince Charming: He's the one every man out there on a white horse or vintage 10 speed is competing with whether he knows it or not...And he's not mine, nor does he even know me to be honest. I doubt Arielle really knew the Prince. She knew enough to somehow want him, to believe he was better then the Mermen of the Sea with their rippling chests and shiny scaled tails. So sure they were equal on the chests front, but were lungs and legs enough to sway her heart? I guess so. I'm not sure when he took control of the spot, or maybe it has always been his, which would not surprise me, I knew him before I liked boys. He functions like Carrie's Mr. Big, unattainable, unavailable and yet the attachment has been unbreakable. I would love to dethrone this one, but I am unsure of how, of how to have him abdicate his throne for another, a real and non-mystical love for all time. In the interim, I feel like Sleeping Beauty, paralyzed, in this limbo of waiting. However mine of course is more metaphorical, and is in some way of my own choosing, and is in my hands to control, sort of. There is still his tethering to my the floral platform of blissful bondage. My waiting is not like hers, my life is still going on, I'm aging - she did not apparently or she waited a really short time. I'm getting to experience emotions and life and all those twist the tether and chafe me, but here I am trying to start my own emotional and intellectual coup, an internal act of treason just so I can move on to another and start the process all over again.

Almost Free of Christmas

I am learning how to enjoy Christmas slowly, one lovely way is being free from my family. It was always the time of year when I normally failed and rightfully so at holding all the dysfunctional pieces together. It was a time for exams, working long hours to pay for the next semester's books, doing everyones Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, tree trimming and decorating, baking and Christmas morning was mine too. Yep 5am I was up getting things going, cinnamon buns and the works were all expected to be ready by 7:30-8... then the long day would continue with fighting, arguing and passive aggressive silence.

But no more. I quit my family last year and found a new one, Ms. J's. They might be dysfunctional, but they drink and seem to take the humor approach to just about everything... this year I get to escape my family and go south all in one fell swoop, even better I get to to take the train to do it. But let's back up things - my joy at the moment is my office Christmas duties are now complete. Yes I do have to shop but being me I have a list, it's being checked numerous times and it's all under control... Christmas can come now, I'm ready, pass me the mistletoe!

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gemmacorrell/3127281463/

Singleness...

As of late I've been realizing that what I'm looking for has slowly changed over the years... as a whole I know it hasn't in the sense that I haven't gone from looking for Type C to Type M or something like that(I know that is a little muddled), specifically I've always known a Type A would likely cause me grief and I vice versa. An AB clone without the AB issues would in many ways be good, but as I realized at our staff Christmas party I have something possibly as restrictive as my dabblings with veganism to consider, running. The husband of one of my staff bemoaned his inability to keep up with his marathoning and explicitly said that is something I MUST consider. Really?

Let's review this shall we? I have a had a year of mediocre at best dates and one whatever you want to call it "relationship." One was a marathoner now a die hard skier (OM) and the others not overly athletic aside from biking everywhere. Will I run for the rest of my life? I sure hope so. Now I'm aware it isn't a deal breaker, all the women I know who are runners are married, but on the other hand all are vocal about their frustrations that their pursuit isn't always honored... not my place on that issue. Here's my issue - I like distances - marathon distances and strongly looking at ultra's, and those are time consuming. Not just the races, but the training long runs. A 20 miler on a Saturday morning is easily 3hrs, 4 if breakfast is factored in...and most evenings there are 10-15 mile runs... So did I just pick my future? Marathoning and sporatic veganism over someone in my bed and life?

Just look - it isn't that bad a choice is it?

Wish List

I was asked recently what I want for Christmas, so Santa Baby this is what I really do want in no particular order

1. Reflector strips
2. ID bracelet
3. Air Miles - millions of them
4. Movie Theatre gift card so Ms J and I can resume our Friday night get drunk and watch a movie dates
5. Banana Republic gift card - new suiting would be fab
6. Spikes
7. Runners
8. Compression Tights - notice a theme...

Let's be frank folks anything alcohol related isn't going to last and the same goes for Starbucks, so aside from cash or all my race days paid for the up coming year there isn't a whole lot else.

One thing that I wouldn't get but would love would be a IPod stocked with a running play list - I being a woman am technically challenged - correction I can handle office IT/server issues, Apple products scare me....

Reruns...or something like that

My brain has departed from thinking for the next little while as I try and figure out how to get into a Masters program that will likely leave me destitute and I have to make those decisions quickly as my job now is in some sort of limbo

So anyways entertain yourselves with the following this weekend, thanks to Advice from a Single Girl:

Yourself: Tired
Your partner: MIA
Your hair: Shoulder length (maybe)
Your mother: Gave birth to me
Your father: Pie Maker Extraordinaire
Your favorite item: Pearl Earrings
Your dream last night: Dreamt about styling my hair in 40's victory rolls...
Your favorite drink: Cosmopolitan, or any not too sweet martini
Your dream car: is not something I have considered
Your dream home: In it at the moment in that it's stable, it's warm and it feels like home to me
The room you are in: one I want to be out of in a few hours hopefully
Your ex: Is a long story
Your fear: Heights
Where you want to be in ten years: In a job that contributes joy to my life
Who you hung out with last night: HSBFF and her family
What you're not: Tall
Muffins: Are not cupcakes and cupcakes are better
One of your wish list items: Miles, tonnes of airmiles so flying will be less pricey this year
Time: Is often wasted
The last thing you did: Booked an appointment
What you are wearing: wouldn't you like to know?
Your favorite weather: Fall, sun with crisp fallness
Your favorite book: Jane Eyre
Last thing you ate: Licorice Allsorts
Your life: Is moving on with me in tow I hope
Your mood: Meh
Your best friends: are those I am transparent with
What are you thinking about right now: I don't know what I want for lunch
Your car: is shared with many others, and helps the planet
What are you doing at the moment: Avoiding people
Your summer: Planned
Relationship status: is the title of the blog
What is on your tv: Turned off
What is the weather like: Cold and clear
When is the last time you laughed: with HSBFF

I Have a Confession

I love So You Think You Can Dance. I reminds me of my kindergarten ballet class and my desire to don a pink ensemble and learn ballet again. So I have decided to post this video because I heart the song and the choreography. I have to say there have been some amazing pieces this season and all the seasons to be honest. This one is also cute.

I Have Fallen in Love

Courtesy of my TV and my limited channels I have found Rick Mercer. The last episode had me crying from laughter and well we all need those moments. As as commuter who deals with escalators and stairs and platforms and all that daily, I have to say I completely agree. I added the video below because I know the fun of rocky boats, more specifically how the camera man felt.

Things You Say When You Know You Don't Want to Say Them Again...

Maybe it's cliche, maybe it is the thing you do when you know things are different. AB texted me that he was worried that he makes me suffer. Maybe he does. Since I was away I realized we are no longer even the friends we once were - we don't talk, we don't do a lot of things. It's the absence of those things that make me nostalgic for whatever we had in the summer. But time moves on and things change. So before I have completely moved myself out of his life as quietly as I have had to out of his place in the morning, I said it. Apparently all it warranted was a smiley face, despite his drunk admission less than a month back. I didn't think it would garner anything else, but that's not why I said it anyways. I said it because I realize that when I should have said it I haven't, even if it would have been completely random or out of the blue. I could have said it to BI and never did, not that that matters now. I should have said it to the Dr. too. Each for their own reasons. I shouldn't have said it to Lawyer Boy or CEF for the same reason - it was said because it seemed right for the context, for the flow of the storyline.

So deep breath time to start clearing everyone off the slate for a while. That includes dragging Ms. J to see DB, avoiding BB and keeping a safe distance from everyone.

One Reason I'm Single...

I more often than not have more fun with my girlfriends than I do on dates - take Friday for example.

1-2pm Lunch with CW at her favorite Vietnamese restaurant (I called it an early day)

3pm Met Ms. J for New Moon (squee! as she would say) - I had a gift certificate for two tickets with the works included... so while Ms. J snuck in an egg nog latte I curled up with a root beer and popcorn... and enjoyed the cat calls and the murmurs of a theatre full of women of a similar age...

6pm Window shopped - I tried on a few pairs of what Ms. Winehouse has labeled F me pumps... I will be returning for the pair that didn't have the 5 inch heel..., visited Banana so Ms. J could fondle the cashmere and I could try on a few dresses all which were unsatisfactory

8pm Booze! Thanks to the local "chain" restaurant's double and triple martini offer - I had me a double and a salad - you know to balance out all the calories... Chatted the wonders of a new job for Ms. J, travel, men and all sorts of things...

11pm Shower and snuggled into bed.

So why a day with the girls and not a boy - well I had no touchy feely drunk boys like AL to deal with, no emotional outbursts and while I like games night at AB's - I am actually beginning to resent him... figures it would happen - I'm trying not to completely sour to him but I know it's inevitable.

So to the lovely single men out there you don't need to replace Ms. J you just need to make me want to spend more time with you than with her. Not too hard is it?

Hormones and the Wonders of Booze

I am beginning to realize the at the reason the Twilight saga is so popular amongst the older crowd has really nothing to do with the true love and transportation to our vague and fast disappearing from our memories, teen years. It more has to do with the simple fact that Stephanie Meyers wrote a book that would suck us in and then absolve us of our hidden hormones. While we (those older than 12) might not be willing to admit it, as CW said to me when I finished the series, "Didn't she seem ridiculously horny..." to which I said almost the opposite, "Wasn't it so weird that he was restrained, never once did he cross the line ever, made him seem definitely un-human."

So here's the run down, Bella tries continuously to jump Edward and Edward plays his ironically Edwardian role of chaste lover of her heart and brain... Somewhere this all seems wrong. Okay I'm all for men respecting women - getting to know them for more than what is in their pants, but when you turn the roles so polar I start to wonder what is being said about women and their desires. Let me clarify this we want it, especially as we get older - sure there is some debate about the whole sexual maturity thing, let's say I think a lot of it is directly correlated to the I don't give a shit quotient that seems to ramp up about this time in life too - we realize that we need Spanx, anti-aging creme, exercise and all sorts of other helpers than why the hell should be we shy about wanting it. So we want it, nothing wrong with that now is there? The question is why polarize it, why make it seem like it's wrong? Or is it? Women's fiction has been consistently polarized in the opposite direction and I don't think that is far either, but I guess that doesn't make good fiction now does it. Can't have two people on equal footing, mutually consenting now can we?

The photo highlights the wonders of gin for Katie and me... tequila gives me heartburn and vodka is my friend, it wouldn't make me do the things that gin does...

Single...

I realized as I crossed the finish line this weekend and more recently as I was trying to figure out who to take to my office Christmas party (still looking for a date - free food and booze). AB is playing the maybe game about the party, and MW is too wilderness boy for the party... I would consider OM if he wasn't well, creepy...

So here's the deal I am not happy with my options. I mean in theory I would be happy with AB if he stopped acting the fool. MW is funny and a good friend and a strategic friend given his job, but in the end I don't think we can gel so that traveling with me to races and living in the city would work... so I am going to be moving forward single? I guess so. I am going to be looking for travel friends in the future - there is a race in DC in March...

I guess what I'm getting at as jet lag is doing bad things to my brain is this whole relationship thing is proving itself useless at this point. Back to that whole happy and single thing...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hansme/3644160738/

Tough Love

Courtesy of my aunt's 100+ channels of everything under the sun I found a show called Tough Love 2. I was actually kind of surprised because in the middle of all the weird shows they have on reality television, it seems to get to the heart of the million and one problems we single women seem to have. I thankfully haven't required an embarrassing television show, I have however found that hours and months of expensive therapy have helped in some ways. In the end I don't have the luxury of a show to screen through potentials. But as I sat staring at the mess of my luggage in my cousin's Twilight infused room, thinking about AB who hasn't bothered to see how I am and my frustrations at wondering how even a friend can do that, and MW who has stepped in with a vengeance - he's always been a great occasional chat person, but he's been really saving the day with his cheeky humor trying to deflate the anxiety... I know that no act in my life defines me - that my past doesn't make me a certain kind of person and to the daily acts that my actions tomorrow - that that race is not me, success or failure it's one foot in front of the other...

Sticky Hips and Crummy Sleep

I have sticky hips. Sexy. Quite simply the major muscle that is suppose to slip over the greater trochanter doesn't always like to or does too readily - however it feels. Right now after hours of sitting on my precious derriere and being unable to pack a yoga mat, I can hardly walk, let alone run a marathon. So here I am trying to figure out how the pro's do it. Maybe they don't have sticky hips (note though I have flexible hamstrings and tight calves), maybe jet lag doesn't bother them, maybe a lot of things. Like I had to resort to my diminishing Ativan stash from Ms. J to get me past the sound of snoring in the next room, the itchy cotton sheets, get past all those things that seem to irritate the hell out of you when you can't quite sleep. But here is to a new day - race package pick up and all other sorts of run fun...

Did I mention I'm terrified?

Jet Lag

I am having a serious issue with this jet lag business. I had 3 cups of coffee this afternoon so I could haul my ass out of bed at 2pm. I did everything I could to get awake - shower, shave, full hair styling - which I might add is a pain in the ass - makeup, non-comfy clothes, and then I found myself reading Roy's new book and wanting to pick my eyes out slowly with the text from the page - I'd have to extract it first though.... I digress. But here I am awake. I am awake and slightly annoyed.

AB hasn't texted. I kind of figured, and yet I didn't. I didn't think we'd go 24 hours not texting just because, sure we have before under other reasons. To add to all this I guess I need to add another person to the list... *deep breath*

I have a confession. I have done online meeting - not online dating - because I have not "dated" any of the men I have met. I have however made friends - made long term friends with two men I found on a site devoted to people of the same religious/socio-cultural heritage. I met one of them, we had fun, but there wasn't sparks then. Now? Who knows I've done a lot of therapy and hell of a lot else in my life. While I would like to say I have changed, in many ways I don't believe that I've changed in ways to make me any more attractive to this person - in the sense of long term goals. I know he's ready to settle down more or less, and all that - anyways I'm not getting to the crux of things. We've been cheekily flirting I guess via FB and Twitter, he's funny, he's got his shit together, and as much as I wish I could tap AB on the shoulder and say see - I guess I could say see what - someone not far but not close to me, someone who I don't know if I would spark with all over again - I don't know. *deep breath* This is where I try and pry all that I've given to AB away from him since he isn't sure enough so that I know he doesn't really want it in the end - y'all know what I am getting at... and just move forward. Move on towards an expensive educational pursuit and whatever else life has in store.

So on that note we give him a name - More wilderness boy than this city girl can handle. I think that works

Edward

I will confess as it has been referenced in the past that I have read the Twilight series... I have a cougar like attraction towards a character, not Edward, and now I apologize to my adult female peers. It is wrong. Very wrong. Last night when I laid down to have some Ativan assisted sleep, I found myself looking up at a LARGE poster of a snarly looking Edward and while I might have laughed and shrieked at that same time. I realized she looks that this poster every night. What has my 12 year old cousin, who looking like she could be my age in many biological respects, thinking when she sees this? This is my future husband? The first boy I kiss - it's going to be the way it was for Bella? The boy I fall in love with is going to be beyond chaste and never feel me up, though he sleeps by me every night? That I won't ever feel like not being chaste before I am actually ready...

To my cousin I have this to say:

1. Let's all now eliminate that belief you will marry Edward he's fiction, Robert is an actor much too old for you, as for marrying a vampire - well honey I am not going to go there.

2. Your first kiss is going to be awkward, hell even at 20 mine was more awkward than I want to go through again. It likely won't take your breath away, it might, maybe I am a pessimist. Actually now that I think about, wait until you are in your late 20's, have too much gin one night, and after flirting with a boy you've wanted to kiss for months - then that kiss will take your breath away, and do all that other stuff Hollywood promises you. Note #4, because you won't want to stop there.

3. Young boys are just hormones, they haven't mastered smooth yet, they think they have so learn this and learn this quickly because it will hopefully be less obvious the older you get - they will take whatever advantage you offer. The skeezy ones will take even what you don't offer that is what pepper spray and older brothers/dads are for.

4. The above becomes your reality in reverse, you'll be coy while you are young and cute, and once that uterus starts talking, that game goes out the window - you'll become friends with Victoria to help out the gals and Grey Goose to help make that boy on the stool next to you less annoying.

Airborne

I am currently airborne or sitting in one of many lovely airports around North America today. I am off to a city that can't be mentioned, but if you put your lovely thinking caps on I think you can figure it out.

Hint 1: Big Race Weekend

Hint 2: "Warmish" weather - note that is a VERY relative term

Hint 3: Time zone change

I know that helps big time - I'm going to be reading this book and sleeping a lot this weekend.

Repost

Attention staff, friends and others alike while this sentiment isn't quite right, this is a running vacation, and not a vacation vacation - I would like it to be one. I am currently suffering with anxiety/stress hives, disobedient skin and an overall jittery feeling due to the million and one things I need to do today. So virtually hug me by not calling to tell me my staff are out of line, that we are out of ____, that someone did _____...

Tagged...

Therapeutic Ramblings has tagged me to reveal 10 facts about myself... I don't do facts, y'all should know that, I've got a secret or not so secret identity to maintain... but in the spirit of the events I will participate truthfully*...

1. I will always text rather than call, I hate using the phone other than at work - AB and I don't talk on the phone unless it REALLY requires it.
2. I've been to the vast majority of the western states via bus and train...
3. I hate Las Vegas for it's wasteful food portions, and the inability to find healthy food options...
4. Vegan for 2+ years would go back in a heart beat if it didn't make me a dating leper
5. I have a huge girl crush on Dita
6. I love the words: cheeky, corruption and sea hag
7. The name of the ex fiance is the same name of the first boy I publicly liked - bad juju name
8. I don't drive, I do not have a licence - for environmental, social, financial and personal/practical reasons
9. I don't carry anything other than an oversized designer handbag, especially not luggage, as I informed the nice young man at the local sports co-op... kind of cute in a I ride mountain bikes kind of way...reminds me of a nice Dr in Engineering boy I liked in high school who loved mountain bikes, he also likes tall waif like blonds (not at all like me in case you are curious)
10. I do not like Floridian water, say what you want, but it's so salty and warm in a pee'd in the pool like of temperature

My addition...

11. I used to and still love to sing this song, it's my early friendship with HSBFF bottled in a song, but note I will NEVER sing it solo in public, though put it on in a car, and well... it might happen

*everything can be qualified of course but these are definite truths outside of the disclaimer - crazy...

I would like to tag - Advice from a Single Girl, Ms. J, L and CC

Out of the Office

I'm out of the office today running errands, and enjoying time with Ms. J and HSBFF. Enjoy this song that L and I had on frequent rotation when she lived with me...

Ladylike

Ms. J recently quipped that I am always trying to be diplomatic. I try. I try to be a lady, like a 50's lady, not whatever we deem a lady these days. I pursue the following beliefs that a lady:

1. Knows how walk in heels without looking like the only time she does is for a job on a corner.

2. Only wears skirts at or least past your finger tips

3. Understands the importance and beauty of stockings - all forms, full or thigh high, I didn't say that a lady needs to be frigid.

4. Tips and tips well

5. Always is quick to say Thank you, Please, Yes (not yep or uh huh) and Sorry where appropriate

6. Curtsey's, even if just with your upper body language

7. Stands on a full train to ensure that someone else can sit

8. Always appropriately attired

9. Makes the bed

10. Brings a hostess gift, even in the case of OM, he's basically as hostess...

11. Never drinks beer, and only vodka minimally or gin, though this lady has learned it makes her do non-ladylike things

12. Never leaves too much out for viewing, though even that can be done classy

I do all of these lovely things, not because I believe they make me any better, no I do them to equal out all the very apparently non lady like things I do...

1. Thinks horrible cougar like things about certain actor who shall remain nameless

2. Use NLLL

3. Initiate things that have me now labelled by AB is a non-good girl (WTF I might add), not that we need to worry about any of that now.
4. Curse little children (not at their faces though)

5. Covet Louboutin booties

6. Teach my Blackberry the importance of four letter words and other essential vernacular

7. Secretly or not so secretly hope that OM is a closet case, so I can say I saw it from a mile away

8. Flirt shamelessly with AL - especially when he's drunk

9. Hug OM a little tighter than I should despite 7 because I know it makes him blush

10. Date more than one man or even worse give out pity dates to absolve my conscience

11. Swoon over animal prints and quite possibly have her Blackberry covered in one...

That About Sums it Up!

Parental Units...

I have one parental unit involved in my life, surprisingly the one who hadn't been for the vast majority of my life. In many moments over the last year he's had to jump some pretty big parental unit hurdles, and grow in ways that most girls start teaching their PU to rise to earlier on in life. My blessed PU is a little slow to the game still... then again I don't really blame him. I keep the "men" in my life as far away from my family as humanly possible. I once joked with CEF that I had no intention of ever introducing a man to my family until I was engaged - that happened with CEF - I don't think that will ever happen again - bad joojoo, as Ms.J says, went down...

So on that note, PU asked about AB. Does he go to church? Is he one of your people (I understand that sounds weird - the sentence was phrase quite differently but for the sake of eliminating Interweb identification - that gets altered) The answers were no and no, and followed by a question of Has he ever? I loved that one - ie. Is there hope? Ummm... well yes and no - it's funny the conversation ended there - in the back of my mind I was thinking that this is why adults need to stay out of the PU home... my mistakes would not have happened if I was at home... we could say that is a good thing, but I wonder if it is... because it seems now that I do more damage during normal hours - I joined the AB and Roommate crowd on Friday for wings, beer and Hockey - thanks BI (I feel like I've time warped back in time sitting with the guys)... AB left for a stop over at a party and I stayed with a very sloshed AL, AB sister and boyfriend, AB's BF and assorted AB roommate crew... the AB related friend base and I headed to their place for Settler's and more beer (which I have to say is vile and non-ladylike, and I managed only to consume half of the requisite board game admission amount)...I felt awkward, AL, AB's sister, BF and basically everyone at the table knows enough to know something happened, didn't happen, might happen and while I like them all, I feel odd maintaining the contact... Oy... someone smack some sense into me.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/12088086@N08/3065443397/

Call Me Crazy

I am sure you have already. I accept it, I am "down with that" as the young folks say these days, no? But I found this and I have to say as someone who has had to calculate the price of nuptials, especially "budget" ones that still don't look budget or DIY anywhere along the way, this makes me smile.

Smiling is good. Smiling has been limited as of late... so life crisis not averted but talked down to normalish size again courtesy of Ms. J - I have it seems a 3 year plan before I can consider the wonderful world of higher higher education with big lovely price tags that make me want to cry more than the idea that I may never own a pair of Louboutin's - you know future honey out there in the grande wide world - could you take a hint from pop culture and propose with a pair of Louboutin's or Jimmy Choo's or even Manolo's I won't be picky - and you can skip the Legacy setting from Tiffany's... oh no I haven't planned anything I promise *toe twist, bats eyelashes* Seriously I'm at the point where I forsee those coming via my own purchases, and I have no objection to such a situation, but we aren't going down that rabbit hole today...

Or maybe we are - I am making peace with:

1. Not being married
2. Adopting @ 33 - kids are more important to me, shocking I know

3. Debt! For education sake - the kind of debt that falls outside of the "responsible" kind of debt like a car, house etc.
4. That an ultra marathon might take me two years to get to being ready for... 50miles (eek - 26.2 is causing serious fear at the moment)
5.I have grey hair but no worries folks, you won't see it when Ms. J gets through with my tresses - shaving them all off, wigs forever - that way I could look like Marilyn or a 40's starlet every day of my life... or not.

Now before I hear that there are lots of wonderful guys out there - there are I know that, don't think I believe all the good ones are gone. I think the good ones are in hiding for their own safety at the moment and are sending out the closet cases (OM), frigid (BV), and overly affectionate (BB) ones to test us single gals, if we can survive with grace and a little class, then they'll appear magically or not, and hell I get lots to laugh about when I drink with the gals...

Time to Address the Big Issues

I have grey hair. Good lord since when? It seems I've been slacking in the hair maintenance department, primarily because I can't decide what to do... see here's the thing, I had waist length hair at one time in my life, I donned a wig this weekend for my Katara costume with a hairstyle identical to my preteen style - minus the loopies... it made me feel oddly nostalgic. Why is the hair issue important? Well other than yes I do have to address those greys, it is the tip of the decision iceberg...

I read the Economist religiously. Shocking, I know. Don't worry I read Women's Health and Runner's World with the same voracity, I think they balance each other out, like my purchasing of Diaspora research and stilettos on my NYC trip. All about balance... I digress.

My issue is every time I read through the E, I am reminded that I need to get my academic act together to get myself out of the level I am in. I am almost finished a second degree (it's useless) - so I checked out the program that appeals to me... it's in Europe, it's 35,000+ E a year (including living expenses) for two years plus a thesis and practicum... err that's a little pricey (for me) to be trained to manage an NGO (ie. a lower paying job with higher ethics...) Decisions like these are bigger issues - like I said to HSBFF's dad, law school (to do International Trade Law ie. WTO) at this point means me giving up having a family... the above mentioned degree more of less indicates that I'm willing to make the same choice, and for some reason I'm not sure I want to. We've been raised to believe we can have it all, but as a child who raised and provided for herself and her brother in the absence of parental units, I know you can't, crazy I know.

Oddly I feel really torn about the whole thing - I want kids damn it, not that the world wants me to, god knows they likely won't want me, but right now it doesn't seem like an option unless I go solo in my old age... and to add to all my emotional frustrations AB is chirping about me finding Mr. Perfect. Perfect hole in my head I seem to be able to find, but Mr. Perfect, he doesn't exist, right now I'm going for Mr. Not a Criminal, I am actually straight, faithful and will be a good dad, and you don't make me cringe - anything beyond that is icing... like the fireworks and all that - got that once in a lifetime and look where that got me, the rest is apparently WAY more important to get in line.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/midwestsky/3706084876/

Observation...

I have observed some kind of weird phenomena... it seems that post 25ish to 30ish the majority of men are career focused, self development focused, focused on anything but stable relationships leading to marriage. However it seems about there women have gotten their degrees, done their requisite tour of Europe, entered the corporate landscape and start hearing the annoying loud ticking of their future coming from goodness knows where. Like my barista boy did today, it attacks you from behind, makes you feel slightly violated, but then you are forced to face it, attempt to wrinkle your preventative Botoxed brow at it, and then deal with it's ugly truth, like a sweat stain in a satin dress in August there is no avoiding it, your uterus has started to call the shots. So you do as any good single girl does and you develop a habit of: abusing your liver, spend long hours with a therapist trying to figure out why the hell your here (you discover your family is surprisingly more toxic than your new drinking habit), a fetish for some weird clothing item, pick up a slightly masochistic sport that involves tonnes of traveling to places that start interesting but unfruitful cocktail party conversations and so on... but in the end the only men chasing your skirt are OM types, too old, too single and oddly likely not too sure which team they prefer... and you for some reason as rational as the purchase of that silk dress from Banana Republic last year that left nothing to the imagination, you chase the one boy you should have smacked the last time he caressed your neck while watching the Princess Bride. Sure you gave him the hairy eyeball (Link gives the reference for the term) he knew what he was doing, but hell honey so did you... And so here we are, no?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/34343428@N03/3199162575/

Halloween!!

This wonderful season I am going to be out tonight...with mummy cupcakes, some kind of savory brain looking thing... and of course something to make a festive martini with... though I don't know if Katara would be a martini girl... on that note my idea of the quintessential Halloween video... post Monster Mash and all that... I believe I'm a permitted to post it because lets be honest every girl who was a teenager in the 90's wanted to be a BSB video girl, come one you know you did....

Type Me

It is becoming apparent that as we (those I am around) age we seem to become more set in our types... since when did we even have a type?

I mean I know I seem to attract severely broken/commitment phobic men BI semi excluded, the rest definitely fit in there. Which is funny considering Ms. J recently phrased something I've heard several times before, I'm intimidating. AB says no, I don't know if AB has seen me angry, I am sure he will some day... So if that is the case why to I seem to find the ones who aren't prepare to fight me? Not like combat, I'm a pacifist, but I think you know what I mean...

Enough with my type issues, AB likes a certain type, BI likes a certain type though his partner doesn't have that aspect, and so on... so do types really matter? Can we break them? Or in AB's case is he destined to forever pick women who are ___, well I couldn't go and tell you know can I? What? And reveal my secret identity? Let's just say that I was once told I looked like a celebrity who dances ballet and lives in London, believe she's a Canadian as well... figure who she is and ta da you might have a picture or not...

The New NYC

Ms. J and I hit up NYC for a b-day celebration last spring... this year she's hankering for a less glamorous location, one that is just an hour plane ride from here - eww. She's got legitimate reasons... me? I think we need to aim for the same amount of fun, then again I've got flying on the agenda for next year already so... hmmm. Suggestions?

Turkey,India and Spain were all thrown around last year - the issues being Turkey isn't the safest place to be... India I want to go for like a month to 3 months and spend time in an ashram - doesn't scream being mean to your liver type fun, and Spain, well if I touch Europe I want to see it ALL!! So I'm thinking let's head south? or West?

Note I am going to be seeing a P state this year, and next year Oklahoma (again woot!) and NYC at minimum. Likely another state in the early fall like one of the Carolina's... though not entirely sure...

Friends with Benefits

I was always against the idea, adamantly against it, but I realized today as BB came up behind me in Sbucks and gave me a around the shoulders hug... that life has a funny way of mirroring your decisions. With AB I for whatever reasons fell into a FWB situation being the one handing out the benefits, and now with BB it's reversed. Now I'm not equating that actions that "don't involve sleeping" equal to a free Sbucks every morning, but it's oddly spurning on the same level of guilt. Appearances. While I don't care when I have a hand in the appearance, when it's my actions I can be held accountable for. With BB I feel like I've been roped into something that I don't really want to participate in...

Can I go back to my simple single life? Figure out what just dating looks like without employing the common online dating technique or similar options

To Distract Me

From my new friend, N95 respirator mask - I offer you this, and for those in health care - start consulting 3M for a new way to construct these monstrosities...


Happy - Leona Lewis

Since When?

Ms. J came over for dinner on Saturday - though she really came for the communal alcohol and ice cream consumption and I invited her lest I spend the night pining for someone who I should be actively forgetting.

We talked Twilight - it always comes up - this disease is sad and funny, given that we're both old enough to know it's all crazy, we're also single enough to yell at the book on our Friday nights. I've developed a bad habit of reading it when I'm bored... so the point to all this. Since when did these ideas become so central to our female consciousness that they get recycled generationally. Fated lovers... Romeo and Juliet through to Bella and Edward. Somewhere we have ingested the belief that with a snap of Fate's fingers the magnets become magnetic and there is an inalienable connection like those plush bears Hallmark sells every season.

Fate might just do that, I don't argue that, but I do argue the success of such a moment... so on that note little Twihards and every generation before and after you, please pull yourselves together and for my sake, for the sake of every single woman over 25, whether sane or not, please pack away this notion. Or I might just do something rational though questionable the next time I see an EHarmony add professing such an outlandish notion. Fate is not your friend, fate is that girl in high school you thought you wanted to be friends with until you went to university and got a life, and she became a "dancer" the next town over... you know what I mean.

This Makes Me Angry and Feel Oddly Helpless

In regards to CEF... we don't talk about him that often or even because I don't really like reliving the terror/fear he brings up... but because of that fear, I also keep a cautious eye on his moments, sort of like a make sure you don't cross any major borders, stay in your time zone kind of thing... I have a friend who does this for me normally but since they've lost touch, I had a recent look, we have an issue of sorts.

I am going to be spending some time in a city that he now lives in, since what the hell when, and now I'm trying to figure out how to hide while I'm in this said city. Yes I'm aware it's a large city, I'm also aware fate/life has a very cruel sense of timing, and I wouldn't for the life of me be surprised if I saw him... so I'm trying to figure out what kind of disguise I'm going to have to factor in... I've dyed my hair since the separation and I'm pretty sure he isn't aware of that given those pics have been limited for security reasons... beyond that I'm not sure what I can do other than leave it off my Facebook status so no one gives him an inadvertent heads up - since we still have mutual friends.

Happy Friday...

Vote Time!

I am leaving it to a vote, or a poll or something of the sort. Ms. J and CW vote that AB needs his ass kicked to the curb until he's good and ready to play fair or something like that - Ms. J specific request was come back when he's ready to love/date you - hmm so Paris Hilton is going to be free of all venereal diseases before that happens, so hmmm. CW leans more towards the HSBBF side of things that involves a physical ass kicking of some fashion and a blocking/removal of him from every aspect so you get to vote

1. Status Quo
2. No more events together - movie night, games night, visit to the Taxidermy exhibit...
3. 2 with the removal of all text message communication
4. 2+3+ block on Facebook for X amount of time
5. 2+3+4+ have an Eternal Sunshine moment...

Everyone Meet...

AB *waves*

No I haven't added another AB, trust me, one in this lifetime is enough, would have been enough, but I think I need to stop the verbal/cranial diarrhea...but regardless.

So I found myself last night standing in the cold of the impending fall, it was cold to me, whether it was actually cold is another issue, being rude and trying find my keel again. I called AB, typing a message on FB on my Crackberry is as annoying as getting my SBucks drink made with milk instead of soy... so I had the joy of saying things in plain language like the lines on the white stick stress moment and listening to silence. Um ya AB, so you can't commit now, and you wonder why I didn't call and say hey my non-boyfriend we've got a little situation here, wondering if you wanted to come hold my hand and then run to the liquor store for a toasting beverage or a shot of courage for you. In the end the situation is as it was before - we're "friends" I'm beginning to feel that horrendous Kelly Clarkson song coming on like a deranged episode of Once More With Feeling, I'm going to break into, "don't waste your time trying to fix, what I want to erase, what I need to forget, don't waste your time on me my friend, friend, what does that even mean." Maybe this is a sign that I need to do as Ms. J has suggested, cut all ties, delete him, block him and move on... likely would be a good thing if I could do that, spending time without him is enough of a step at this moment, in time I think the other will come. Right now I'm trying to take one step at a time away from AB. Since yes we all can say I'm crazy about him and even crazier that I think that. Could someone commit me to the rehab all the celebrities go to, the ones with all the booze and drugs, that way I could get the supervised vay-cay I need. Meh, I guess it's just time to up the miles on the daily run.

For the record - I don't believe anyone can be fixed with a relationship or without or any of that business - we can be healthier - but that health thing is an individual journey in my opinion....

Curses

Because damn it, I shouldn't but I do...



Because this will be me and Ms. J actually that almost was me being Christina - instead of my regular Meredith role, though I have to say I agree with her about tequilla - vodka is more my poison...

Fate's Got Cards It Don't Want to Show...

I feel like my life is becoming one big country song, or a bildungsroman short of Jane's beauty. It's a messy road, her's was so much clearer in places. Somewhere along Beach as HSBBF and I looped around to run over the bridge, the tears and anger hit full force. I'd popped the bubble - the anger flooded forward, I think this is why HSBBF and I are still friends, she knew how to hold the sub 10 minute mile pace while I blubbered on, figuring out what I didn't want to know. That AB is well, Trisha sings it better, but since I don't want to make you listen to the song, a walk away AB. He made a choice, he understood the importance of that choice, said he respected me for my choices, my rules (like I stuck to them... ) and opted to go forward, and despite being given explicit instructions to walk away, far far away if he wasn't prepared to in the aftermath embrace it all and walk forward. He chose to stay. He chose to stay close, to repeat that decision. And then in a moment of clarity this week I realized that despite all those choices to stay close, he still ultimately choose to draw the one line red line over and through my dignity and honor/respect. He will never be committed. He made a choice to despite the feelings in his heart, the knowledge in his head to progress knowing damn well how I felt. In the end I hurt but I will heal, and you, you get to process all that however you want to and know that absolution and atonement are not as easy as grace to give. Regardless I get the chance now to say, walk away - you don't get the option to stay and your toothbrush will be returned to you in time.

The Darkness

HSBBF calls it the darkness, and while in the beginning I didn't agree, I do now. I agree and acknowledge that it is more a roving, spirit like darkness than what descends upon this lovely city for 6-8 months.
I have said and can be quoted as saying to LMDTB, whatever you give up know the risks, if it's worth it to you do it. I recant. I recant because I did something with AB that I thought I knew the risks about, and now I realize I miscalculated in an area that most people don't even need to factor in. I forgot to, decided to ignore, or a little bit of both, the AB is not committed and lets be really frank with ourselves will never be despite how he perpetually spins it. So ya, that decision, made way to a repeat of the decision a few times and other actions on my part, involving waiting for some pink lines, thankfully just one appeared. And so if you haven't caught the drift of the song and dance, I will be happily and freely drinking at Chez Moi alone or accompanied on Friday, come join, I might get drunk enough to haul the whole sordid mess out of my soul so we can exorcise this darkness. Because it needs to be done before I come to the anger stage - you know it is a part of the grieving process, and I and Lady Anger are distant friends, we know each other, and well let's just say she's due for a visit, so I can go through the motions of what the hell is your problem, so much for all you said, and then as she gets ready to leave, I get the fun part of taking responsibility, though that being said in all this mess. I have thought about that - how much responsibility is it for me to carry - two people made a choice, one person who knew in his heart he didn't love me...

Yay for sharing!!

Letting someone else doing the talking for me...or singing

I can't sing - sure I sing, but I mean like I can't sing on key or all that - but I admire the ability to put emotions into a condensed space where they surprisingly don't sounds compressed, over simplified or weak. Serena does that - these two songs( Weak in the Knees and All for Love ) speak to the AB issue

Hmmm...

Ever have a moment where you realized something, and you aren't prepared to face that decision, yet in reality it's a decision you've been somehow denying for the last few days, weeks or months.

I just had that moment, in one of the most inconvenient places, not completely inconvenient because I have a computer in front of me. A blog isn't the place to go into depth with the decision I made. I have to say as much as I will always believe there was something right in the decision I made, somewhere in all my belief that it wasn't tragic, it didn't seem tragic at the moment, it was. It was not the right decision to make. Why? Um hell don't even know where to start with that one, mostly it was a dumb decision with respect to my heart, though it doesn't seem to be getting much in the way of honesty and respect these days. I was working on our AR accounts and listening to LA, and well let's just say it hit me, it was tapping me on the shoulder yesterday in church but in this moment it hit me. I made a decision based on a false belief in my heart, and the pain of the moment when I first heard this song came back to me. That chasm just split, and I remember. And now looking back at all the ground that is covered knowing that regardless of all that has happened in the last month AB and I are still frozen emotionally in that moment - that moment where we ended up on other side of the emotional/relational Grand Canon. Oh hell.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikemcd/539914172/