I Hope You Know You're Playing this Game With Yourself...

And it seems to be called let's see how big a pile of NLLL'ery I can create and then live in.

AE went to drop off the book in question and found despite the scheduling that he was unavailable and she wasn't interested (and nor should she be) in hanging around until he was free so that I could get the bracelet and etc back, which was the main part of his hissy fit.

Oh dude, this whole business of control is:

Seriously:

And even T-Swizzle the Queen of your kind agrees.

Again - I know you think this is all about you, and your life, and your dreams and your heart and your  guilt and on and on and on, but please:

And yes I will say that I did want you bad but you know what's awesome - there is a little Queen B in all of us who just needs friends to show us how much better we are and how fierce we can be on a dance floor.

And again dude, this is a wreck of your own making right from the beginning, check it, seriously because you're going to be the one needlessly suffering.

And on the last note the song that had me almost busting out some kicks and jazz hands at the bus stop this morning:

And on that note there is a name change - NLLL-EB or NB from henceforth

Update: NB claims that AE screwed up and that she should have interrupted his meeting or called before getting there despite my confirmation that 11 today was fine. NLLL-NLLLing-NLLL dude.

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

*Le Sigh*

Within the first 24 hours of being on the dating site it seems the only men attracted to me were one, nothing that I indicated I was looking for and two men who should know that I am not what they want.

But then again that's not why they are on a dating site, because who cares why I'm there.  They do not see it as a dating site, a site to find a partner for life, not truly, no they're shopping for a NLLL uterus.  This uterus shopping business always brings up in me a combination of blood boiling mad and pity for them.  I feel like sitting down these dear 50 something year old men and asking what they think we have in common.  I am not looking for a daddy, sugar or otherwise, I have a father.  While I might be wrong, I still consider myself young and because I still consider myself young I still see myself travelling, moving places like NYC to finish my schooling and or do specialized training or Portland and settle down in an eclectic neighbourhood, pursue the art of feeding and loving people.  I do not see myself fitting into someone's manufactured, cookie cutter void and getting on with the life they want.  Maybe I'm ageist.  I find that slightly ironic given my education in gerontology.  But I think there is a difference between wanting to help all people including their families embrace aging and marrying someone smack in the middle of that process.

Sorry I'm venting but this whole process is creeping me out a lot.  Maybe because for the last 5 years I have deliberately changed myself to be one a more private person on the Internet.  WHAT? Contradiction.  One this is anonymous, two this has very little connection to the flesh and blood person I am, in that while I am wholly honest, I'm also as much as possible deliberately vague, and now I'm on a dating site with a little generic blurb about myself and pictures and I feel like a piece of meat and it is well, violating.  I didn't think I would feel violated but I do, oddly. Hmmm.  We're going to have to come back to that issue.

I Might Miss My Job

One of N's co-workers came in this morning
Me: You're a vision in pink and purple, like...
N-CW: Barney
N: More like Doctor Barbie"
Me: "Actually more like Scrub Barbie.  Doctor Barbie comes with stilettos, a mini skirt and a stethoscope, those you don't have.

Maybe it's not that funny but I'm going to miss some of the girls here - most of those are ones I don't work with directly... *sigh* but truthfully those feelings diminished pretty quickly when the server this morning decided to be a pain in my ass, the heat is being screwy and I'm exhausted and it isn't even 9:30am.

So I met with the other PU and she's well like Margery Kemp and I guess that is always the way it is going to be so I'm just going to have to get down with that.  The things that I thought she would be negative about she wasn't so heck that's a plus.  But the life-like Margery K isn't really working for me - she was enough in literary format.  Oh well, I guess that's life, it could be worse. 

Like... realizing that John Mayer is the head deity in the Man-Child religion - I have been listening to Taylor Swift's Dear John song on endless repeat, why I don't know to be honest, but the lyrics remind me of AB.  Yes we can question if it is about JM but really it is whether she says it is or not.  So know that I've come to that realization I'm not sure how I benefit - does it mean that man children can renounce their beliefs, does it mean that they can convert later in life - because if that is the case how do I screen for that? Oh why John, why do you need to keep seducing the all the cute talented men over to your dark and twisty but oh so cute cult?

Fractures

TOITB has got me thinking about breakups. Mine have fallen into two categories, which I realize are obvious dumper and dumpy... but let me explain how they aren't obvious.

Category 1 - I dumped their complicated asses

First boyfriend - moved away to law school and while we should have ended it then - he cheated as part of his "removal of moral resistance to the acts necessary to be a good lawyer" - apparently if he could cheat on his girlfriend he would be okay with drinking and regurgitating redbulls and vodka in the law library etc... classy. This song was on the radio at the time - appropriate given his behaviour afterwards. I tried to go the classy route - I shoved all his stuff in a box, moved with that box and 3 years later when BI came on the scene burned everything except the prize t-shirt which I mailed to him in Houston.

First Fiance - He didn't cheat, but what the hell else didn't he do... let's just say being classy wasn't part of this deal, it was a get out alive and with as minimal life altering as necessary.

Obviously I don't know how to let them down gently, or find the kind who will behave...

Category 2 - this is the sorry tale of my life pseudo dating and then giving my blessing when I get replaced.

1.BWPAG (Boy Who Plays a Guitar) followed Lawyer boy - and he on a Transatlantic flight explained that he could only marry a nurse or a elementary school teacher. So there you have it folks you know two jobs I can not and will not do. This lack of vocational desire meant to BWPAG despite our chemistry/pseudo dating I would be a shitastic mother and wife, apparently a year after this moment he thought me worthy for a second go 'round let's just say I didn't. I forgot to mention one of my close friends who he had no feelings towards apparently fit the bill, she was a nurse - so of course I gave my blessing...

2. My Mr Big aka the Dr. We spent hours and hours with each other etc and etc - pseudo dating the story of my life - my boss/his coworker though we were dating for months and then lo and behold one of my coworkers tells me that they're dating and she wanted to break it to me - hmmm, interesting. So I did what I firmly believe I always should do, be classy, given fake but glowing acceptance speech and then let my friends say whatever they want in regards to the situation. Let's ignore that he came to my convocation etc.

3. BI doesn't really count - I loved him, but I guess in the end I wasn't in love with him and he's happier now because he's with someone who is long term more compatible, let's just say as a whole it still kinda sucks, to be so close, yet so far away - and no that isn't a fake glowing yadda yadda speech.

Yep there are likely others I left off all the online related scuffles that all fit under the first category - oh lord - no online dating for this little girl - it's a tragic scene.