Not So Sure

Yes I'm going to be a Gemini and in this moment play both sides of my heart and brain. Last week I was going through old FB messages trying to find L's address. I didn't find it, but I did see the subject lines of a lot of other messages namely those back and forth to AB about this time last year. Nostalgia wasn't my first feeling, it really was one of questioning. How did it all happen and how did I get here? It really just seems like another lifetime. Sure I miss him. But I know that feeling is a missing of a feeling, of a person, that he isn't and one that I sure as hell shouldn't and couldn't make him to be. So yes I miss him. I guess more specifically I miss that rush of feelings, those feeling of I want to kiss him, does he feel the same way and yadda yadda. The butterflies. The new love business. Despite the long list of crushes and pseudo relationships before him, even with CEF all those feelings were really new and exciting. So here we are a year later. I have been single since November when AB imploded, or maybe he just imploded. Sure I curse the eHarmony ads, and have stopped my application to Match because I just can't do it.

Yes I despite the fact that it seems my friends are getting engaged or even shot-gun esque married in rapid succession I still believe that it will happen in it's time. And yes I'm as impatient as they come, but it is what it is. I don't see the point in wasting my time dating someone in the hope of feelings I know won't be there because they aren't that person for me in the first place. Make sense? Maybe not. Oh well.

Pour Me a Drink...

and then pour me another one.

I don't know if it is the epic to do list I have set before myself to do in this between semesters time, the full moon (crazy at work) or the fact it still has been too hot to run and I'm getting really soft and bitchy.  But this week has made me want to turn off my phones, pour a large glass of something strong and hop in the tub and shut out the world. 

As such I will not pass on my cranky/stressed self on to you but I will share this lovely lady.

Advice

This week @Jesusneedsnewpr posted a blog about teenagers, and specifically asked if there was any advice you would give teenagers. After spending 3 years of my life dealing with teenagers I will say I have no advice. Yes that's right, I have no advice to give to teenagers. I think we blob them all together, we don't and wouldn't generalize 20-something's to the same degree we do with teens. However, that being said I feel like this "give advice" positioning is one I've found myself in more and more. I can give advice about all sorts of fun topics like surviving abuse, therapy, running marathons and ditching your fiance. All fabulous and useful topics - oh so very useful. But in all seriousness there is some advice I would like to pass on to my former teenage self since I've been thinking about it.

1. Remove the pole from your backside. Now I know that sounds harsh, and you're probably appalled (my former younger self that is), to which I say oh honey I made it sound nice for you so accept it.

2. Now that the pole is out, breathe, if the concept of a deep breath is hard for you, take a shot of whatever Dad has is the cupboard in the kitchen - that might help. Okay, now - did the world fall apart? Seriously, did it? No I didn't think so. You're so wrapped up in the gluing of people together. You HAVE to fix EVERYTHING. But here is the deal in fixing them, or hiding their wrongs to you, you will disappear. If you are going to hell in a hand-basket you seriously need it to be hell for them too. Yes that could mean your parents divorce (they do - way later on unfortunately), it will mean you will tell all those deep dark soul consuming secrets and no it is not fun, not fun at all - but the nightmares stop.

3. So I am aware I am making you panic. All that need to fix and perfect and control will slam up against life. I am sorry but it does - so what to do about it?

Grace - not the person, she's lovely but no, give yourself grace. Failure will happen in this life, I know that's a shock. Sorry dear but nothing is going to stop you from failing at a lot in university. It's okay you avoid AP. You'll fail at a lot in life - like moving out, saving, dating, even trying to get married. The shocker is that it's ALL okay and those failures are a good thing.

4. Now I know that didn't help, I've told you your parents will get divorced, you can't control the world, your secrets will be revealed and you'll fail at a hell of a lot. So now you are wondering where the positive side in not ending it all before you were 16 is. Well dear. If I told you the good stuff it wouldn't be as sweet...

5. Actually I know that isn't fair but you aren't going to believe me anyways. Where to start... the boys. You like boys. Boys are good, IN THEORY. You have a tendency to chose the shitty ones, not the bad boys, just the real lame ass screwed up ones. I would tell you to avoid them but I know you won't... so let me give you some advice.

Don't spend time alone with Lawyer Boy - he might choke you with his tongue, I came close to exiting that way - it's gross, he's lame and he's an oh honey no.

So about BI I know you've felt chemistry with him since your first English class together, oddly things sort of come together and yet don't. I will tell you why because you won't realize this until years later. You really were in love with him. Shock, I know. It's okay things ended up good for him. I know he was scary, you just weren't ready to open your life to someone you knew you had a lot to lose with... But I will say at least give the guy a hug, sometimes boys need more than your baking - and no that is no euphemism.

Mr. I Have a Guitar - Oh why do you go for the ones who are messed in the head? He wants a barefoot in the kitchen girl - and yes I know you love to cook barefoot, but you and I know that is not what I mean - you are not that girl. Just because he can sing and play the guitar, it does not rectify a massive pile of sins.

Mr. Big aka Dr A - Oh honey - this one will hurt, I don't know what to tell you but this will hurt, oh and you'll be fine.

You know I don't know if we are going to discuss Mr. Ex-Fiance (CEF) - because here's the deal you aren't going to listen to me about all the stuff before this - and he brings the greatest shit storm you will ever know but he contributed to the person writing this - enough said.

AB - Run, oh girl run, yes you'll love him like you did BI but it isn't worth it because he doesn't love you seriously, seriously. Though actually maybe you should stick around for that kiss you'll have one hot August night on his roof top patio downtown. Yes, stick around for that, but don't wear the blue dress.

But enough with the boys - friends - girls before well I'm not going to finish that unfortunate phrase though it might be true...

N and you will survive her whole not marrying A and eloping and well I've revealed too much - that whole part about grace - share it while you're giving it to yourself. 

Ms. J is more fabulous than you will ever know, and I know you and her are really different but you need her. Really, really need her.

The rest of the girls from high school, you judged right.  I know this sort of let's you get away with that self righteousness.  It doesn't.  But they want something different out of life and ya'll are just really poor at articulating that now.  So let them go off to school - paid for by their parents, get married young and have lots of babies.  Why?  Because that's their business.  It doesn't affect you.  Just like their getting divorced before their 30 doesn't affect you either.   Move on, even if they don't or won't.

I could go on, but what I will say to end is give your dad a break, it will take you over a decade to see he has loved you all along, and it will hurt and be hard, but that part about grace - give him some too - he does really love you.

In closing young me - breathe, relax, don't work so hard as you'll find your 20's come with gray hair, wrinkles and black toes(you ran that marathon you set out to do) - it comes with pain, but more importantly it comes with GRACE, LOVE and MERCY - so accept them with tears and breaking and give them without attaching all your shit.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fernandosanchez/2273862344/sizes/z/in/photostream/

NSFW - I guess someone shares my love of R.Bradbury

First this is NSFW, but then really is this blog for the most part, shouldn't you be working at work, unlike me... anyways I love Ray Bradbury. But not quite like this, however I should note I'm reading the Illustrated Man and I believe that Fahrenheit 451 is possibly one of the best books written in its continuing relevance and reverence of print culture. While we are on the topic of NSFW apparently some of my favorite books are on the banned book list in the US (I heart Google), to which I say one WTF, why are we banning books? And since when did Wide Sargasso Sea and Love in the Time of Cholera rank worse for ethical content, than the works of Chaucer and Shakespeare - who I will note are not banned. Let's see rape, dead children, war, divorce, remarriage and cannibalism all come to mind at the moment, never mind cross-dressing and homo-social relationships. No those are all okay, because what child can read and understand these works or they are "classics”? Vanity Fair is a classic and Becky is a spoil, demon of an adulterous woman but hell whatever. Goodness if anyone thinks a 12 year old is going to pick up Rhys or Marquez and understand it well they should be rewarded, hell give them Lady Chatterley's Lover while they are at it because it was so damn boring and the sex scenes so ludicrous that I wanted to poke my eyes out, so if they finish it I promise they'll never want to read again. Anyways to more humorous content.

Crazy Good Music

Content

I realized something recently I'm actually kind of content with being single.  I have enough of my plate.  I have an apparently brutal final exam coming up, since when did English exams become hard.  It appears I have been away from school too long - the times have changed.

But it is even the day to day stuff that makes me feel like trying to give time to another is not a good idea.  As it stands I have to take a day off to get my simple errands done - new passport (they need to make them last longer), application for grad school, new Govt ID (I've put this off long enough).  Clean my house top to bottom, including re-potting plants.  Shop for fall work clothes, lose the therapy/sick weight then shop for fall clothes, and the list goes on.  Oh and I have a half and full marathon to be training for. Given my type A tendencies, I figure get the little things out of the way, get into the swing of school/work etc in September and then think about it.  Now I know I'm not getting any younger, but here is the deal.  I would prefer to find someone in the day to day of life, and so while I'm moving forward I'm conscious I might and I stress might meet that person, if not then yes someday I'll go back to the online option.  But for now, like gluten, dairy and soy I just cannot stomach it

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/supacrush/2351773290/sizes/o/in/photostream/

Maybe this is why I'm single

I work with children for the most part and I claim that it is the reason I watch shows like this clip.  But to be honest I love this show.

Cruel and Unusual

I have to say that the whole construction of the sinuses/sense of smell being wired direct to the brain is really unfair.  Why?  Well despite the lovely memories that it can bring back, it can also bring back annoying ones.  Case in point, last night home from work on a jam packed express bus.  Full bus, flesh to flesh, and the dude I am fusing backs with smells like AB.  I know he has a common scent, but it isn't that common.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is to be wedged up against someone who is unbeknown to them bringing back a flood of memories.  Though on the positive side of things, it hasn't made me want to text him, nor has it motivated me any faster to finishing off that online profile.  Maybe I am not all that interested in dating at the moment, or just not interested in what I see.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/steviebm/128505869/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Reposting...

I posted this blog another lifetime ago, and yet it completely feels relevant again...sigh....

I feel the only thing I'm getting out of this experience is a really good how to book for men - how to pick a username that doesn't scare me - like in the way you could be a WoW playing (all the time), Internet stalker, still live with my mother or even axe-murdering freak. So here are the suggestions.

1. Don't pick a name like MrSensual, Uncle___ (there have been a few of those), WILDHOGMAN, ezeymoney and I could go on - these are real - check them out if you don't believe me.  Recently huggybear seems to be a common option. Dude that says "I like children in morally inappropriate ways" instead of I like to give you a hug at the end of a hard day.

2. DON'T TYPE IN CAPITALS - it translates as yelling, simple, apparently not.

3. Spell chekc - yes, while I typed that incorrectly on purpose - use your spell check, I'm not a gril, you aren't going to go threw life with me

4. Pictures - they are the source of your success and your downfall - variety works, and even better recent - saw one this morning that looks like it has to be at least 15 years old from the discoloration. So here's a little insight into my life when I'm really bored and have a digital camera - I do my hair and make-up like it counts not the everyday when I go to work look- and then in the natural light take as many head shots as I need to get one that works - let that be your profile picture and save the Halloween shots, the up the nose shots and all the other stuff for your Myspace page. Can't do it yourself - get a friend and just keep doing it.

5. Don't write a profile you think we want to read because if you are still single at 50 - you haven't figured women out - saying you're sensual, that you're a softy, a ___, may work for a small number of women. But for the most part it brings to mind the picture of the overly friendly male that no one wants to get to know - the one that is always obnoxiously flirting with every woman in the room - like he's got no self control or self respect.

6. Your future mate is a person -they aren't a Barbie doll, or a made to order specimen - know that they have faults - mine most prevalently is some of my language (oops) - but that being said if you are going to be a Mr. I Play the Guitar and pull some __ out about how you have to have a pastor's wife - then put that out there right away so I can laugh at your profile and move on.

7. Know that she's out there - keep your backbone and your whits about you - don't play the victim card - it's a huge turn off.

8. I don't care about your job, seriously as long as it's legal - that is. So don't go putting your job title in the first two lines of your profile - that is unless you want someone who cares about wealth and status...

9. Don't play games with me - I'm learning pretty fast how this thing all goes down - interested that's great, not lets move on - I've got too much shit in my life to add one more person who's not interested to the mix. And there we go with the poor choice use of words.

Perfect Storms...

I wonder if our lives are a series of perfect storms, they aren't always fierce tempests, some are quiet perpetual snow storms, piling up banks of soft pillows of whiteness on the edges of our lives. I feel like for the last few years my life has been marked by moist hurricanes and harsh blizzards and dry dust storms.  In the eye, the moment of calm in all the storms I have found myself pushed closer to my purpose (yes referencing LOST).  I think we all have a purpose.  We might spend our entire lives slowly living that purpose and not even knowing it, or we might have a crystal clear vision of it.  For me?  I think I have an awareness of the edges of my purpose.  I see faint outlines of its intended form.  I know I'm not ready for it. However, there are moments where it seems I peek a corner at its true form.  The older I get the more I realize how we've lost the written word. I watched an amazing interview on Arts&Minds on Saturday, and I realized that yes I do think that writing/teaching is in my future.  I don't know the how's and why's and all those.  But at the heart of it all for me is teaching the beauty in books.  Not of them, though they do look magnificent on shelves.  But the beauty in their hearts.  Yes, books are little soul capsules, each reader donates a part of theirs and picks up pieces from the collective of readers before.

Just think about the first book that captured your attention, that glued you a chair, set you off into the unknown... where would you be today without that?

Check out these: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/susanorlean/2010/07/books-that-change-kids-worlds.html

Damn You LOST

I hadn't watched a single episode of LOST until last summer.  It was last August that AB, his roommate, her boyfriend and I spent long hours digesting the first season of LOST in the heat of their apartment.  I got hooked, and then well I lost the ability to watch LOST, given all the shit that went down last fall... Anyways fast forward and this winter when it came back on I started watching. Yes I am aware that there is 4 seasons in between, all valuable, and someday I will watch them, but given the nature of forward, back and sideways in the show it wasn't a poor decision.  Anyways, about a week ago I realize that I had stopped watching the show in the spring (TV schedules) and so I picked it up again.  I just watched the last episode.  Okay so I cried at the end of Dawson's Creek, Roswell, 6 Feet Under (btw amazing way to end a show) and let's be honest I can be moved to tears by nearly anything.  But this, well some reason it was epic tear inducing.  Then again it could just be that I'm sad.  I'm not one to say you know this actually affects me - but my Oma passed away on Sunday.  And now I'm realizing that well life has it's rough and tumble emotional times and this is one for me.

So yes damn you LOST for that emotional release because while it's lovely now I'm sad.