I Don't Keep Secrets Well

I kept one really well for a really long time and so I think my secret keeping mojo is a little busted. But more to the point, who wants to keep a secret about something that is totally awesome?

Well even though I want to keep things quiet it is going to be brutal for the next while wanting to just throw my arms around him and kiss him when I see him. But alas those moments are saved for around corners or quiet moments in the staff kitchen.

I am still pinching myself. Yes of course I know he is human and I know I am. I know that very much at the moment as my sciatic nerve is giving me NLLL hell. It goes through moments it isn't that bad and then normally I stand up or try to get up off the floor and realize that I would love to stay wherever I am. However unfortunately I know staying on my back doesn't actually aid the process...

I will say that he deserves a little or a lot recognition for leaving work today for a while to come see me at home and rub my back, get me an ice pack and in general try to make me feel better. How awesome is that?! 

The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

Losing My NLLL

Here's the deal I came to this eHarmony business with zero desire for it to be successful if I'm going to be truthful.

So maybe that's why this whole thing has shaken me - maybe it's because if I'm honest, I'm beyond scared of the idea of committing and having babies - more of making the wrong decision.

Hell I didn't really dodge the bullet with CEF, I just managed to get out of it without major injuries.

Each day I try to step closer to the idea of dating someone I realize just how deep those wounds were and how insecure I am with all this - I would love to say I've got my NLLL together. The fact that I don't know what is going on Friday (other than the theatre) - yes no messages since Sunday and no texts and that I'm letting him do some wooing or all my life choices aren't pressing in on me but they are.

So what do I do - well I tell you about them, so I can laugh about the awkward first date bullet dodged of the handshake, hug or kiss dynamic and so I can share my crazy and then I listen to this which is the antithesis of who I'd ever want to be in this dating dynamic but somehow listening to this makes me feel a little better about everything.

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Thanks Ovaries!

According to "reliable sources"(Cosmo et al), you are your most subliminal-y hottest when you're ovulating.  Now, I can seriously say I do not normally agree with anything in Cosmo - it is after all a magazine that survives solely on republishing the same drivel month after after in new forms - all of it preying on our internal Madonna/Whore dichotomy.

Nevertheless - back to my ovaries - apparently they are working right now.  I had some nice eye contact with a handsome man in the Starbucks line - totally a moment.* The one that impressed me more though was as I was on the packed express bus dripping with sweat (our driver dressed in shorts was determined to offset the cold outside - dude it's time for pants).  But of course I had my purse, laptop, e-book reader and a cup of coffee all more or less balanced on my lap.  It doesn't really leave room for the removal of one's jacket.  I did manage to get one arm out but I couldn't seem to navigate the second one.  That is until this extra hand appeared removing my coat.  Manners! In a young man nonetheless! He said, "It looked like you needed help, didn't want you to spill your coffee."  Seriously I could have hugged him - I felt like my thank-you was not enough to convey how refreshing it was to have someone be kind, especially someone of his age and gender.

But back to the at moment.*  The reason I give credit to my ovaries and not my personal awesomeness is well I am a graduate student - and we for the most part do not always look awesome.  I know you can say who am I to generalize.  True. Very true.  But compared to the corporate world - the ladies in the Starbucks line in pencil skirts, lots of leg and heels (gorgeous heels), who am I?  His attention actually made me acutely aware that I feel naked now that I'm not in the corporate world.   I miss my corporate clothes.  I miss the security that came with those high heels and skirts.  Now I'm just the very adult woman trying to figure out the world of skinny jeans and flats.   All that being said, as much as that moment in Starbucks made me uncomfortable, maybe it's an indicator that I'm doing okay in this new world, at least aesthetically speaking - as for grade wise - well that remains to be seen.

Hi All

So it seems in recent weeks that I've picked up a few lovely new folks.  So to those following or those lurking in the Interweb's shadows. The run down here is quite simple:

1. Everyone gets a nickname - there was a time in my life where I had my name and everything out in the open along with the names of Ms. J and well anyone who would grace these posts.  Well then CEF and a few other crazies caused me to shut down my old blog.  I actually stopped blogging for about 6 months which is a lifetime for me.  Then my shrink thought it was time for me to start dating, so here we are.

2.  What's up with the names?  Well L or HHMNERP (Hot Hot Married Native Ex Roomie Princess) as she prefers to be called started up the naming game when it came to naming boys we would see around town but didn't know their names - the very first one - Boy I Know My Mother Would Hate... I still see him around town.  The names protect everyone and makes everything else a little more kosher around these parts.

3. Check the right column for the run down on the names.

4. Who am I?  Well you can think of me as whoever you want - sorry no details, I've learned the less you really know the more protection I have - goodness it's like I am hiding from someone...

5. Comment - let me know what you think - I am always open for a swift kick or more preferably a laugh.  The large majority of these posts are written out of sheer humorous frustration.  I'm seriously not cranky and bitchy all the time, well unless you're one of my employees... just kidding.

6. Last but not least all my followers have pretty fabulous blogs, check them out.

Landing Lights

There are distinct moments in my life where I have desired landing lights, blinking neon, a wise oracle or sage in the desert.  ANYTHING to point the way towards the right and less painful moments in life.  There have been many painful moments.  So to me that says I either miss the lights, the oracle or the sage, intentionally ignore them or they aren't there.  I am going to go with the they aren't there because I in my lack of trust refuse to see them or interpret anything as directional.

Life now is perfect case in point.  My boss decides to give me an educational leave - totally unexpected.  My father gets a loan for me - also unexpected.  Both allow me to go back to school in September to finish off this degree and get things lined up for graduate school.

However after today's meeting with my prof, I feel exhausted and deflated.  And while I could say that it is true my proposal was constructed in a matter of hours while hopped up on cold medication.  I should be proud that my un-edited mess didn't result in my tears. However, I feel like in all this my graduate school dream slips further away with every other opportunity to move forward.

So to bed I go, the proposal reconstruction will have to wait until I can get some sleep and coffee into my system.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/golfcharlie232/4427535646/

Notes:

1. I am cautiously feeling more "alive" - yay acupunture and everything else!

2. Ms. J and I have started up our old travel blog though the name is a bit dated... http://www.jandjmeetnyc.blogspot.com/

3. I can cross one thing off the list - even though we did technically shelve the list.  We went to Chambar on Saturday for my non-anniversary.  Good times, good food.

4. I have always loved this song, but it's an oldie so I rarely hear it on the radio - I did today so I checked it out on Youtube - I love it even more, she's got confidence