I Need...

I am not sure what I need. I waffle between wanting to consume an entire carton of ice cream or a box of Cartems doughnuts to wanting to finish off a few gin and ginger ales or crawl into a hole.

I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS

This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...

So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.

So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink.  Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....

So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.

And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.

Lonely

While honestly I'm too tired or hungry or even busy to be lonely, it seems to be the biggest void in my life at the moment.  I feel like in the last two months I've found the insight into why undergrads can have a tendency to shag an entire dorm floor or what have you.  There is a huge need for affirmation - in any form in the chaos, uncertainty and stress.  There is no amount of personal comfort solutions (whatever those might be for you) that fill the void of a snuggle with a man you love and snuggles also mean a relationship and seriously I have zero desire for that.

I will not say that there aren't nice males here -sure there are - but I have no desire to schlep any of them into my love triangle of still loving X and knowing that while I can keep loving him, in doing so prevents me from genuinely loving someone else, and moving on feels like I am closing a door on X and I don't want to do that.  Yes I have myself in a huge pickle.  Let's ignore that pickle for a moment.  Basically I want intimacy and I know I cannot get it anywhere - this is grand!.

So I'm stuck - and I feel like I'm loosing my mojo because of this stress.  If life was a romantic comedy a male from the other side of the library would pass by and well alas I'm not going to finish that statement as that's another pickle and that pickle is in the library and so am I.

Actually correction - I am going to tell you about that pickle since N found it so hilarious she almost fell over with laughter while we were running.   About two weeks ago Sunday, my PU and I were about to sit down when I recognized the Pickle* at the other end of the pew.  We said our hi's and explained and yadda yadda.  Well Pickle was next to a little toddler who sits with her mom in front of us every Sunday (Pickle rents a room from them it turns out).  Well my PU seeing Pickle with a cute little toddler - glommed onto him after the service while I talked to an old middle school friend I hadn't seen in years.  After we left I got a huge run down on Pickle's life - my PU knew more than I had learned in the last two months, and it was a specific list.  Did you know Pickle likes to drink kale smoothies?  No, no I didn't.  I could see that he had sussed out Pickle.  Seriously my father was trying to scooch me off to another man!  Here's the deal - Pickle is nice and all - but we are SO different and beyond that he's younger - much younger.  I am not prepared to apply for my cougar ticket yet, I refuse.  When I saw Pickle in the library after the event I apologized as I was mortified that there might have been some goats or sheep transactions for my hand or something already.  So ya - I'm lonely but fine with not dating... so does not make sense to me.

* Yes I realize this is a rather unfortunate name.

Holiday, What Holiday?

I was suppose to have this week off.  I stress the word SUPPOSE.  Obviously that didn't happen and I will be working 4 1/2 out of the 5 days this week.  On my one day off I get a phone call from my boss who is on vacation - so much so that he cannot return an urgent email, that I need to go into work to let our computer tech person in to fix some damage the power outage in these parts did.  Um no.  I am not busing an hour each way to let him in, he can come tomorrow, we are all closed remember.  Well thankfully CW was willing to sacrifice her day off to do it... How soon is it before I'm free from this job?

On top of that annoyance I get an email from the PU I don't talk to often.  Yes she birthed me, but she's also birthed a lot of other crazy since then.  She's all bent out of shape I didn't invite her to my convocation.  She went on FB and decided in her head it was this big freaking party that she got left out on.  Yes I marched across the stage in my glorious pursuit of more debt - but it was only Ms. J and my other PU present. We took some pics and Ms. J and I  bused back to our hood went for food at our local diner.  I had worked that morning, and in the end the whole thing was more about doing it, to say that after 10 years I was really and truly done - it wasn't about her.  Why the hell does it have to be about her?  I know you're going to say I should have invited her.  What for?  So she can drive 2 hours to see me on a stage for 5 seconds? or so I can uninvite my other PU who lives 5 minutes away?  No way am I putting those two next to each other if I have a choice.  I know my wedding whenever that is will be hell enough with those two going at each other about who was less horrible a PU... I know that I'm being a b*tch.  But some days I just feel like when did these two think that they are entitled to my adult life when they sure didn't think they should be involved anytime before I turned 20?  You missed your chance.

PU's and Dating

My PU, as he's referred to around here, and I have an improving relationship but it's not conventional because I never was a "conventional daughter." I was the take care of my brother, make dinner, do homework, serious child.  I didn't like boys (in my PU's opinion - but I did think boys were cool just so we are straight on that) and boys as far as I believed would never like me.  I never went on a date in high school, kissed a boy (had to wait until 2nd year of university and I really should have waited longer) and I went to grad/prom alone. 

I have no issue with this being my teenage story because the guys I went to school with were my friends - in the end I preferred being their friends and still being their friends, like BI.  Given that arrangement I think my parents got lulled into the perception that their daughter was either asexual or like a Disney Princess who being single her whole like miraculously stumbles upon a man of good moral character and breeding and in 10 to 30 minutes accepts a marriage proposal and it's all said and done.  Yet neither is the case - and they've had their struggles with that.  Some in part was my "fault."

Dr. A (My Mr. Big) was the first man I brought home in any respect - he was 15 years my senior and we weren't formally dating.  My parents didn't quite know what to do with themselves.  Thankfully for them he skipped town with a coworker.*  After that it was CEF who was thrown at them more or less - a hey so I'm getting married, here is my fiance and that's the end of that.  Well that policy was stupid, flawed and in the end caused so much strife that it was the final straw in my parent's marriage - August 08 was fun times all around our home.

So... after months and months of therapy etc - see previous posts for all the therapy reasons - my DrBrain says you need to start dating.  WHAT?!! I don't date.  I do the Disney princess and fall into a perfect relationship.  Apparently that is not how things work.  So I started with OM.  My PU didn't know about OM, and why did he need to - OM was a bust**.  Then came AB and simultaneously BV and then AL, BB.  AB in the end was the only one he ever knew about. ***

So what is the point in this sharing moment.  Well my PU doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge their were others, other than AB AND that there will be more in the future and I have FB and Dr. C to thank for all this.  No Dr. C and I are not or ever have discussed that topic of dating - but the presence of a man has left my dad scratching his head.  I guess to him I'm his little girl and little girls don't talk to boys.

Note:

*I hold no malice to either - they are perfect for each other, though for their reputations/friendships sake they could have done it differently if they had wanted to.

** PU knows now, stupid FB, I had at the long discussion about the Olympics had to spill how OM and I knew each other
*** He has never met AB oddly enough

Photo : http://www.flickr.com/photos/focus_in_mind/2328162855/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Growing Up and Moving Forward Sucks...FYI

I am aware I'm making a statement as obvious as the presence of saline in Pam Anderson's chest region.   Regardless - it sucks.

Case 1
My PU just finalized a loan to pay off my credit card - my PU who just got everything in the black went red for me - talk about guilt.  It's not a free loan - oh no, just he has no interest rate other than grandchild. Yes he directly asked me to provide him grandbabies - what about a son in law first? He's likely to be child like... I did consent to grandbabies - guess I need to get dating. Sigh. Strings attached to EVERYTHING.

Case 2
Asking for help though a sign of a maturity is also a sign that I am not as mature as I would like to be.  I don't have the confidence I wish I had or think I should have. Tonight I am meeting with my professor to discuss my proposal for my 15 page paper.  This all coming on the heels of what is still my permanent nausea about the last paper.  I know that in meeting with him I can be critiqued, become better and grow as a writer.  But who likes to be critiqued on something they are passionate about?  You can tell me my singing sucks - I am down with that because it doesn't happen in the presence of any mammals lest I burst their eardrums.  If you tell me my cooking is horrible I'm likely to impale you with a spatula or something similarly blunt.   Even worse talking literature with my professor is like talking to an uber hot dude who hits on you.  Your brain while trying to shove out the feeling a camera crew is going to jump out and yell "PUNK'D" or something like that, is also trying to be witty, calm, cool and brilliant.   In the end you end up looking like Heidi Montag, expressionless and vacant upstairs, and likely drooling in your Cosmo.

Case 3
As part of Case 1 I have to submit a budget and open all my spending to my PU. Boo I can deal with other people's finances just not my own, I would rather ignore that, thanks.  Guess not went you're getting bailed out of the shit hole that started 2 years ago by your ever patient PU.

Case 4
You accept that making a fool out of Mr. Bombastic in your class, just makes you more of bitch in the end, and you're not really down with that.  So Mr. Bombastic unless you seriously misstep consider yourself safe.

Parental Units...

I have one parental unit involved in my life, surprisingly the one who hadn't been for the vast majority of my life. In many moments over the last year he's had to jump some pretty big parental unit hurdles, and grow in ways that most girls start teaching their PU to rise to earlier on in life. My blessed PU is a little slow to the game still... then again I don't really blame him. I keep the "men" in my life as far away from my family as humanly possible. I once joked with CEF that I had no intention of ever introducing a man to my family until I was engaged - that happened with CEF - I don't think that will ever happen again - bad joojoo, as Ms.J says, went down...

So on that note, PU asked about AB. Does he go to church? Is he one of your people (I understand that sounds weird - the sentence was phrase quite differently but for the sake of eliminating Interweb identification - that gets altered) The answers were no and no, and followed by a question of Has he ever? I loved that one - ie. Is there hope? Ummm... well yes and no - it's funny the conversation ended there - in the back of my mind I was thinking that this is why adults need to stay out of the PU home... my mistakes would not have happened if I was at home... we could say that is a good thing, but I wonder if it is... because it seems now that I do more damage during normal hours - I joined the AB and Roommate crowd on Friday for wings, beer and Hockey - thanks BI (I feel like I've time warped back in time sitting with the guys)... AB left for a stop over at a party and I stayed with a very sloshed AL, AB sister and boyfriend, AB's BF and assorted AB roommate crew... the AB related friend base and I headed to their place for Settler's and more beer (which I have to say is vile and non-ladylike, and I managed only to consume half of the requisite board game admission amount)...I felt awkward, AL, AB's sister, BF and basically everyone at the table knows enough to know something happened, didn't happen, might happen and while I like them all, I feel odd maintaining the contact... Oy... someone smack some sense into me.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/12088086@N08/3065443397/