Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Re-Start

I find it hard these days to stay motivated.  It isn't that my brain isn't motivated, let's be clear, this isn't a mental health issue, per say, that is to say I know what depression looks like for me, been there been medicated for that... I get exhausted. Plain exhausted.  The kind that shuts down your ability to cope, function or rationalize.  I call it being stupid-tired, the MCAT did it to me and now work/school post the last two years worth of stress on my body does it to me and I melt.  I have meltdowns.  Last night was a meltdown until I had the loving of a spastic-ally joy filled little girl named Miss Gertie (Ms. J is her human-momma), you can't have a meltdown when trying to fend of a Miss Gertie hug and tongue kiss (thanks G one more reason no boys are going to want to kiss me now, though on that note good Lord I don't know if many boys have clean mouths these days anyways...).  Ms. J fixed me up as best she could, but in the end I still have to come home and shut off the brain that is trying to work in a body that doesn't.

Today was suppose to start my holidays but rather I was up at 6am to call another time zone to get logged into our payroll software so that I wouldn't have to go to work (an hour away) to do the same thing - got that sorted out, went back to bed, only to have at call at 8:30am informing me of another hospital f*ck up and BLERG!! as Ms. J would say.  So anyways, I'm playing relay the b*tch-ness with my staff who know that this is all BLERG-ness.  So there went my sleep in/attempt to recharge... so anyways that is not the point, holiday starts now... recuperation starts now... sort of, actually I need to make a giant quote map on my floor (don't worry pictures will appear of the beauty).

A question at the moment... a big freaking question, one that will test my ability to figure life out... Ms. J and I were talking about my revelation on Sunday.  See here is the deal - a revelation about me for y'all (I can trust you).

There is a seminary school located in the city I live/work in - they offer an Interdisciplinary program which is amazing and I will end up with an Masters degree in the end - it's small classes and it's not a semester (plus) of literally paying to get another Bachelor's degree - which in theory I might be able to transfer credits back to my Bachelor's degree for...  From there I can apply in December for graduate school in the US, or just keep going for another year and graduate.  Um can y'all see I'm already ready to jump ship?  So debt is a huge deal, this school is much more expensive (of course)... anyways. Pray if you pray and I'm going to apparently have to do some typing today and tomorrow and hope I get some answers... Wow the world is changing.

Back-Up Plan?

JLo's new movie poses a question most women have debated in some way or another.  Is there someone you could/would marry at __ age if you got desperate. JLo isn't the first celebrity to pose a question that I doubt most men or women would really consider.  While I know I have considered it in some respects - I personally wonder if it is just a movie plot. 

If said person would exist, and you find yourself at some personally unbearable life milestone, my questions for you are this:

1.  Why do you need to be with someone - sure we all get lonely, I get that - but is it just because you are lonely, or is it the sex or is it the procreation aspect?

2. Why this person - because if they were that perfect why the hell are they just your back up?

Okay maybe question 2 is rather simplistic so let's just skip that one for now.  As to the being lonely - join a group, pick up a new hobby - something to change the people you interact with - find some kind of community.

As to the sex part  - well you could have meaningless hook ups or you can consider what was suggested by someone I respect - return to the above solution - fill that need with activities that force you to see beauty in the world and fill the emotional voids.

Children - well I know that some women need to have to give birth.  I maybe luckily have no such desire - sure I would like children - don't get me wrong, but I am more than satisfied with the prospect that I will likely foster or adopt.

So as to two - I believe we are in some respects too picky when looking for our partners - I am not saying you should settle - that you should marry someone you have no chemistry with or can't for some real and legitimate reason be with, but I am saying - if in the end if this is someone you can lay down next to and wake up next to every day for the rest of your life - why not marry them and love them?

 Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/orangemoonapparel/4178037684/

One of my new real loves

So while I'm trying to convince my brain that it LOVES: basic math (fractions, bedmas, etc), obscure and obtuse vocabulary, and memorizing large chunks of 18th century poets, it needs no assistance in it's new real loves for white chocolate soy Americano misto's and GLEE. So on the note of GLEE and what they've made likely one of the most popular songs by Journey I give you this cover, and yes I am aware it's not GLEE, I might argue it's even slightly better, eek.

Visions

First of all I would like to apologize as Blogger seems to be chewing up your comments )and my responses) - I have received them.

But the point to all this is as Ms. J and I have been going through our trying moments as of late, a vision I had a year ago or so keeps coming back to mind. Now this isn't a vision of the future or whatever they show you on TV. It was a moment on the T as I was working through "What Colour is Your Parachute" (a really good book actually), there was a lesson/action, where you just let everything be, all rational etc and so on and see what happens. What happened was actually something that made me mad. So if we're going on the fairytale in the sky dreams, this was not one of those really. It was a moment where I said, Really? You've got to be joking that that's what you see for my future. I grieved it to be honest. Fast forward a year and that vision is a beautiful thing.

What was it?

It was a house, heritage-esqe full of books, comfy furniture and people - full of people (and I'm not really a people person). It was a home full of life, like the house was one big communal hug and I was teaching. It was my home/house. So here's the bigger confession, the blog is titled single and picky - no I'm not secretly married, I am single. But well I don't always, actually more often then not, see myself with anyone. I see myself in that house, with a garden and flowers everywhere, walls of books, a table full of cups of half consumed tea and coffee and crumbs, and children. I see myself as a mom, but I don't see myself as a wife. Some might argue that's a problem, that's why I'm single. It could be, but I don't think it is. So yes we get to add this vision and the mulling to all the tears and growing pains that are happening in the S&P world. No worries folks, it's all good, growing is tough shit and as John Mayer tweeted today life is best lived without the epidural, so on that note bring on the tea, the gluten free cookies and good friends.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/silverakshi/172706673/

Another Song issue...

I woke up from one of many long and deep naps I've had this weekend without the aid of Gravol, and I have to say apparently my body really needs its sleep... but anyways while I get to enjoy the expanse of sheets and fluffy duvet alone, a song popped into my mind. Earlier today I was lamenting my inability to study during this extended comatose-ness to my parental unit. That I can forgive myself for, slacking off in the wake of all this not really.... Maybe that's why I am prepared to loose my attachment to AB. Maybe it's the Gemini in me or maybe it's a survival technique, or maybe my grief and shame are able to birth him out of my dreams, my breaths, out of my veins and into something for a creative writing project. I guess what I am saying is in this weakness of body and mind I am being reminded of the strength of a presence and the direction for my life and honestly it is away from AB. Whether that is forever or a time that is not for me to decide.

There is a quote from Ann Lamott to the side of my bed about perfectionism being the voice of the oppressor and every thing starts with a shitty first draft - even studying does. So I'm going to "burn the ships" yes I am aware that is a famous line Cortes said, but it's also a line from that song I mentioned... and get on with the getting on. Sure we can all look lustfully at the horizon. But even in those moments I need to remind myself of the horizon on the other side, the one where the sun rises.

Time to get out of bed, for a few hours at least.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/21186938@N07/2144850424/

Big-ish Year Ahead

So my birthday is not anytime soon soon, but it was about now when Ms. J and I started planning our NYC trip we did last year, so I figured hell might as well start now for this year.

There is only a small race related road trip on the books at this point... so right now aside from being informed by CW I HAVE to have an AMAZING high class party this year (we've yet to decide what that looks like - but it involves the lavender Grecian dress that Ms. J and I purchased in Greenwich Village last year)... but aside from that I figured I should have for a list like Slice of Pink for my *cough* 29 *cough* birthday - which is not this year if you're checking. So I am taking suggestions on the 29 things I should do before that fateful moment arises. Now please note I'm an NLLL poor broke - I will be living off of whatever I can pay down on my current student loan, so trips anywhere is near impossible... I will offer you these which will be on the list because hell I know I can do/have to do them...

1. Apply for graduate school
2. Dye hair blond - been every other "natural" shade
3. Make something with squash blossoms

So that leaves you 26 adventures for me - vote away, please note that I have been to Russia, seen the ballet, been to several NHL games, but beyond that go for it.

I Believe the Hair Colour Has Officially Entered My Brain...

I had the weirdest collection of dreams last night involving AB, a sex text, a large peanut butter cup, travelling, Texas, GRE, literary references, my Blackberry and an assorted cast of characters. Now the peanut butter cup - I know where I got that - Not So Humble Pie's blog , as to the other components - well a huge percentage is intense mulling about of future life options, and as to AB, once the great minds of the world create a liver friendly brain cleaner I will be first in line.

Actually I know why he's there on second though and that is another blog in and of itself - a question HSBFF posed to me. I digress.

I am trying to semi plan with headlong closed minded but not to closed minded perspective, all the while knowing that I will have to move from my home town and country. The PhD/Masters programs are all in another country... one being far south in Costa Rica, or in Europe. So I being that I can say I'm under the influence of peroxide and or ammonia - here are my options

1. English MA/MFA/PhD program - the rough list includes: Oregon, California and New York right now - it will be expanding - I intend on apply to 10 schools

2. 1-2 MBA/Non-profit administration courses most are on the East Coast

3. UN Peace - Costa Rica

4. Drum roll... CC would be so happy if this one happen... Culinary School.

In the end I have a year until I have to make decisions about 2-4... right now it's all about the books - Wuthering Heights has replaced Passage to India because I just couldn't stomach it.

I know the song doesn't really related but in tiny response to the vitriol being pumped out against the Olympics Games in Vancouver, I say that I am proud of it, all of it, including KD's performance (this is from a previous event)

Half of My Heart...

Knows that it's going to have to put it's desire for a cuddle in the fading light of a Sunday afternoon away and embrace this shaky journey I've started. I know in many ways my pursuit of graduate school has really nothing to do with being single and/or picky, but the increasing weight of it is making realize that it is my relationship, for now. I will have to find comfort in the books that I'm plowing through, that my weekend adventures with Ms J will become centered on things unrelated to boys/men. So on that note you might find that my desire to write ebbs and flows and for that I'm extremely sorry. I know that as Anne Lamott says " writing is for some of us the latch that keeps the door of the pen closed, keeps these crazy ravenous dogs contained" and it is very much like that for me, but I also find that running does equally well with keeping the random ADD nature of my brain on ice...

So on that note I'm going to find some John Mayer, the open bottle of Pinot Gris in the fridge and make a very extensive Graduate school reading list to aid my GRE language exam

It's No Secret

I love NYC. Actually I have loved many other cities in my life - Moscow, St Petersburg being two others. Sure Philadelphia was nice and I would visit, but well I could live in NYC. Oddly enough I didn't really think about that until I started looking at graduate schools and looking at Ms. J's photos of us out and about in New York... Cornell though out of my league is my first choice - I dream like that - they have an amazing creative writing program where I can learn the value of then vs than, and the art of the semi colon, comma and well just all the fundamental principles of grammar so I can knowingly throw it all out the window. I have books I want to write - books about fairytales gone wrong and growing up, if we ever really do or can. And all that wonderfulness, but in all honesty I'm typing right now because my hives are getting worse and there is nothing I can do. I heart my dysfunctional body that refuses to follow convention. Convention would have a reason for my hives and convention would allow allergy medications to work. Alas it is not the case...



I love the song, and the city too...

So about tequila

I have decided when it's mixed with coconut rum and lime juice it makes a very potent but fabulous drink. Two of those later and I was having a warm all over feeling... maybe warm enough to the idea that this year is a year for getting my shit together more than it will be about getting into a relationship.

See here's the inside track on my life - I have one degree completed and another almost complete and those are incredibly long stories in and of themselves. Needless to say I realized over the Christmas holiday that I have some dreams I need to pursue to their end - whether anything becomes of them or not. Graduate school - primarily a PhD is the very end goal. I have a plan and I have a game plan to get Ms. J to come with me, in theory. She wants her PhD too, just in a completely different program, and being that we are compatible studiers I figure why not press each other onto our respective goals... so this year includes quitting work - and I've ALWAYS worked since I was 15. Going to school full time (20 credits left and one audited English class), writing the GRE which if it is anything like the MCAT I might just shoot myself, and last but not least apply for the top 7 of my area American schools and 3 Canadian schools, the UNPeace school, and two non-profit related MBA type programs. Now why you might ask, well I don't want to waste a year, I want options and I know that while the later aren't my first choice I do still find those areas fascinating and I know I need to be practical...

So will there be boys on the agenda. This is S&P we are discussing, there will ALWAYS be boys on the agenda, question is if it's just about the looking or more.

Tonight's music selection from An Education, an amazing beautiful movie and Duffy is fabulous, see her in concert if you can.

Lists Can Be a Dangerous Thing...

I remember having lists for everything. The lists of the boys I liked eventually migrated to the lists of universities I wanted to attend and then lists for the courses, the books and everything university related, then lists for where to live, and now the lists are mostly where to travel to next for a race - all are local except for Chicago and Philadelphia in the fall it seems... Lists are tricky things - they give us satisfaction when you can cross things off, but sometimes the things listed can be all wrong in either context, motivation or topic or all of those. For example be married by 30 (I am disclosing I'm not yet - how close to it I will not reveal...), start world population increase at 32, finish at 34 and so on and so forth... or a list for his qualifications - good paying job or artist, runner or other sport, educated, can cook and clean, wants kids....

So both lists aren't that bad in theory, gives you purpose and direction, but I think now is the time where I get to look back and reminisce with y'all - 2009 in list form:

1. Owner of 3, count them 3 Crackberry's - so close to getting an iPhone
2. Introduced 3rd roommate in 3 years to the mix - I'm good luck - one's married, one's now in University and the 3rd seems to be on her way down the aisle too...
3. "Dated" more men then I wish I had this year - all were duds
4. Watched more in theatre films than I think I can remember (Rachel Getting Married, The Young Victoria, Duplicity, New Moon, Harry Potter, The International, The Reader, The Hangover, State of Play come to mind though I am sure there are more...)
5. Lived without a laptop and the Internet at home - just barely
6.Visited Chicago, Minneapolis, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle and Portland to name a few of my travels.
7. Purchased more shoes than I think I could ever justify in a lifetime and I still don't think I really have enough.
8. Finally decorated my office after 2 years of employment
9. Painted the entire office as part of "force holidays" this year (fun 3 days)
10. Spent all important holidays away from my family and with Ms. J and her family
11. Ran 2 Half Marathons and 1 Marathon
12. Almost kicked my Sbucks habit thanks to my avoiding BB
13. Agreed to disagree with Gin, Tequila and whatever else I've consumed over this past year except of vodka of course - we'll always be BFF's
14. Traveled with Ms. J and learned to be weary of her when she pulls out her camera, she's likely filming

And likely many more accomplishments like sticking with my god awful expensive therapist, being sexted by MW of which should likely be discussed with therapist, got a TV which replaced my laptop etc.

So my future includes this lovely sensible list and not a list like this:

1. Don't re-pseudo date AB or do anything that involves AB
2. Stop pity dates - they just waste time and result in shitty side hugs after a whole day wasted or result in the BB fiasco.
3. Only drink gin if you plan on going back on number 1 in a big way
4. Run all the races you've planned (1 1ok trail, 1 half, 4 marathons)
5. Get a tan this year for goodness sake even if it takes all freaking summer
6. Finish school off for a while
7. "Invest" in club wear so that you can take advantage of BR while she's still around
8. Fix the DVD player
9. Avoid any legal proceeding that may arise from rash job related reactions...
10. Spend more time with Ms. J - Friday Night dates return - teach her to love sports

Time to Address the Big Issues

I have grey hair. Good lord since when? It seems I've been slacking in the hair maintenance department, primarily because I can't decide what to do... see here's the thing, I had waist length hair at one time in my life, I donned a wig this weekend for my Katara costume with a hairstyle identical to my preteen style - minus the loopies... it made me feel oddly nostalgic. Why is the hair issue important? Well other than yes I do have to address those greys, it is the tip of the decision iceberg...

I read the Economist religiously. Shocking, I know. Don't worry I read Women's Health and Runner's World with the same voracity, I think they balance each other out, like my purchasing of Diaspora research and stilettos on my NYC trip. All about balance... I digress.

My issue is every time I read through the E, I am reminded that I need to get my academic act together to get myself out of the level I am in. I am almost finished a second degree (it's useless) - so I checked out the program that appeals to me... it's in Europe, it's 35,000+ E a year (including living expenses) for two years plus a thesis and practicum... err that's a little pricey (for me) to be trained to manage an NGO (ie. a lower paying job with higher ethics...) Decisions like these are bigger issues - like I said to HSBFF's dad, law school (to do International Trade Law ie. WTO) at this point means me giving up having a family... the above mentioned degree more of less indicates that I'm willing to make the same choice, and for some reason I'm not sure I want to. We've been raised to believe we can have it all, but as a child who raised and provided for herself and her brother in the absence of parental units, I know you can't, crazy I know.

Oddly I feel really torn about the whole thing - I want kids damn it, not that the world wants me to, god knows they likely won't want me, but right now it doesn't seem like an option unless I go solo in my old age... and to add to all my emotional frustrations AB is chirping about me finding Mr. Perfect. Perfect hole in my head I seem to be able to find, but Mr. Perfect, he doesn't exist, right now I'm going for Mr. Not a Criminal, I am actually straight, faithful and will be a good dad, and you don't make me cringe - anything beyond that is icing... like the fireworks and all that - got that once in a lifetime and look where that got me, the rest is apparently WAY more important to get in line.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/midwestsky/3706084876/

Planning for the Future

No there is no bun in the oven (that I'm aware of though it has been the joke of late) or any thing that would warrant a rushed plan for the future. But I have been thinking about it. In the past I've been one to have specific plans, strong rules, guidelines, strong just about everything. And now I'm aware that there has been a dramatic change of heart over the last little while. So the idea of planning for the future, while I would like the future to come has well sort of been put on it's head.

I used to believe that I would find that person who was compatible - note I did not say "someone who completes me" or the one or any of that - someone with whom I could see myself living in a loving, respectful partnership with is the goal, key on all those parts. Anyways I would find that person, we'd date (because that used to seem so easy), he would think I was amazing (and yes of course vice versa) and he'd scoop me up off the market and we'd be married in time frame ranging from 1 yr to 2 years in total. I still sort of wish for that, though it seems that the first part of that equation might take an eternity...

I also used to hope for a few years to get used to living with said person - and then the babies. The thing is I'm aware I'm not young, nor is my body and waiting is waiting for more issues later on. I would like to say I'm not feeling any concern, that I know I have time, and I do. I am not on the hunt for all that - but it is there somewhere in the nagging back of my mind, thrown to the front every so often when I open a Women's Health and they happen to have an article on how I can prepare my uterus for the future occupant, regardless of the immediacy of that... hmm, didn't want to think about that, thanks.

The future is gray, I wish it wasn't but it is and that just is well the way I guess it's going to be...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/erin_ryan/2479288574/