We're Getting All Rebellious In Here

This post might be a bit hard to understand but I'll do my best to explain where I am coming from. I was raised in a family that took certain aspects of their ethnic/religious group/religious beliefs to what some would consider extremes. One such "extreme," dancing was and still is strictly verboten (forbidden).

While there are some religious circles who believe dancing leads to sex, Mennonites seem to believe that sex leads to dancing, which is to say that it is the worst possible activity a single 31 year old woman could be engaging in, even if she was, as I was last night, very clothed.

I still remember my mother's reaction when at 13 she found out that I had been to a lunch time dance that our public school put on (truth be told I'd been to a few of them before she found out about that one). But a 12 or 13 year old's awkward swaying most often at arms length was nothing really and if anything when I look back on it, it wasn't a place for me. That is not reflective of any faith values, but more so being the awkward nerdy plus sized kid that I was with little to no self esteem and no support network, I was easy pickings for being teased and being groped. Let us be honest, regardless of how curvy I might have been I was the only girl in our class with breasts, like real full on breasts and I had had them for a while. Everyone knew it and I knew everyone did. And so when my mother declared that I had seriously transgressed an boundary I was perfectly fine with getting my insecure ass back on the "right side" of it and staying there.

Interestingly our grade 12 grad, non-school sanctioned because there was dancing, boat cruise played out in much the same way, though there was a little more girls dancing with girls. In the end one of my classmates still thought my ass was the best place for his hands and that soured the night.

I have had roommates and even a boss try to get me on the dance floor in various situations, even in East Indian weddings where even the bride joked that I just needed to "open the door" and "screw in the light bulb."

Stepping on to a dance floor as I realized walking home last night was a space I never felt safe in, not so much about the groping and the grinding but more so me. Stepping on to a dance floor meant that I truly needed to be okay with me. I needed to know that I was okay, awkward or not awkward, chubby or curvy and well spanxed, that I, me, this person, in this body was okay and even more mind bending for me worth acknowledging in a celebratory fashion. That I needed to be able embrace a kind of freedom I'm not sure I ever would have been really ready to embrace. But like those things in life that I don't feel ready to embrace there comes a time when I receive the necessary kick in the ass to make me realize I was ready.

I was finally ready last night and it might have been awkward, it might still be awkward from now until the last time I step on a dance floor but you know what, I'm okay with that, even if I'm not sure about some of the song selections.

Thanks to KAB and AE I crossed a major life threshold and we had fun doing it.

One of the songs it is no secret that I do and will always love:

Since it was mentioned...

So I found Mr. Bombastic, finally, I will not divulge how long I spent trying to figure who he was, and of course when I found him, I completely remembered his name... Not important though. He's in one of those "It's Complicated" places according to his FB status (yes he added me - silly fool). So what does that tell me or us.  Well I for one am not a fan of the "It's Complicated" status because it says we are too comfortable/dependent on each other to cut the strings but we want to/need to. I as a whole have mixed feelings regarding FB statuses.  I for one have nothing posted, I think my lack of pictures with a male or a wedding ring or really any of those things says enough, nor do I think it is really anyone's beeswax if I am single.  However, and I stress however, sometimes I understand why it is an option.  I have a friend of mine who I lost contact with in the MySpace to FB transition.  I know she is/was married as a friend of mine used her photographer for her own wedding.  However this individual has no recent pictures of her husband, does not wear a ring and doesn't use her married name apart from her documentation (we are in the same department at school).  She is not the only person who appears to be in a separation/divorce, and well you do not want to assume anything...

Anyways Mr. Bombastic is also Mr. It's Complicated and I have far too many of those in my life, we more specifically AB as a friend has filled that It's Complicated space and I am not seeking any new applicants.  Well it was fun for that little while.

So the song is not relevant but it is a visually beautiful video and the song is not bad either, you know these days anything other than that damn Lady Antebellum song works for me.

One of my new real loves

So while I'm trying to convince my brain that it LOVES: basic math (fractions, bedmas, etc), obscure and obtuse vocabulary, and memorizing large chunks of 18th century poets, it needs no assistance in it's new real loves for white chocolate soy Americano misto's and GLEE. So on the note of GLEE and what they've made likely one of the most popular songs by Journey I give you this cover, and yes I am aware it's not GLEE, I might argue it's even slightly better, eek.

The List of 29... Dun Dun Dun

1. Apply for Graduate school (write the General GRE and Subject GRE) - I will not dignify this with more than one spot.
2. Dye hair blond and cut short - thinking pixie short but I hate growing it out from that length, it's the devil.
3. Make something with squash blossoms
4. See at least two VIFF films
5. Run 5 marathons
6. Get a professional massage, and no not that kind of massage...
7. Go to The Diamond, try a new signature drink - ie. not vodka based, and if it is gin based I will hand over my Blackberry for the night.
8. For an equal drinking/class experience go here for my birthday
9. Plant a mini garden and try not to kill it
10. Use the word bombastic and/or find someone bombastic and get their number
11. The above will be done at either 7 or Shangra La's bar - which I've been dying to go to... alcohol is a theme here, oops.
12. Dance somewhere - flash mob would be a safe place... I have a fear of rhythmic movement and rightfully so.
13. Have a body part waxed
14. Get another tattoo (I want a really big one, though I will likely settle for something small again)
15. Make homemade marshmallows for Christmas gifts - you better act surprised y'all.
16. Get a short story published... it's in the works, it is I promise
17. Give a random stranger on the T a bouquet of flowers

So I have 11 more items - suggestions?

Weird, no?

HSBFF and I have been commuting together for the last little while and given that there is almost 15 years of history between us the conversation is always candid and a little odd for those sitting around us on the train.

Topic for discussion? OM and BV and CW's attempt to set me up (hasn't happened yet so don't worry you didn't miss anything). I was commenting that I tease OM, knowing that he considers me "hot" and "sexy" (who says that to a friend/pseudo date?) but he didn't think we'd have an intellectual connection... this coming from a man who is looking for two types of women - his 50's homemaker archetype and a wildness distinctly un-feminine women... so I hug him a little longer, flirt like crazy with him - it makes him blush and gives me my retaliation for being made to feel simple. BV also made me feel simple and over educated all in one fell swoop... he is in R&D for a medical engineering firm - when I asked scientific questions I got ridiculous responses so in detail that is was annoying and when I tried to engage in mutual intellect discussions he either lacked that or was uninterested. I once again felt like a piece of meat. CW's boyfriend is treating me like that too - he is the bridge to the blind date and apparently his refusal to set it up has nothing to do with my brain...

So this is sounding narcissistic and vain. Do I think I'm a stunner, a head turner - oh goodness no. To be honest if there are men out there who think so they can keep moving (though according to HSBFF who keeps pointing them out they aren't). Why? Because I don't like feeling objectified, and I know that that is universally not the intent with such attention, but for me it feels like that. I dress modest for the most part - sure when I'm out partying the girls are out - they're still not at my knees and so for the next few years they can see the setting sun for a little while, but the rest of the time - nope. The only time I would consider wearing a short skirt is a running skirt which has shorts and I almost always wear it over tights... I digress. The point? HSBFF thought it was hilarious that life was torturing me - when I was younger I was known only for my brain and know that I'm older and want to be known and respected for my intellect, I'm getting almost only attention for my very average looking body... WHAT GIVES? Then again I always held to the belief that men's tastes would develop, maybe they have to the point that my child bearing hips are more important than my brain... or maybe that's a digression in taste...

"Music" choice

Squishy

Somewhere in the last year I went soft in more ways than one. I used to be smaller, a lot, and now I'm a living example of why a vegan diet is a beautiful thing. And so now the long crawl back to those jeans still tucked away in the bottom drawer. I know that it isn't all bad. I've said if all I had to lose or in the end gain was a few extra pounds in all the NLLL that went down in regards to CEF that is all is still for the best. Really I could have gained a CH (Crazy Husband) and then the lovely title of divorcee or something like that... because let's be honest, it would have gone down that way somehow, someway. I don't know how, when I look back at it all that things went as far as they did... anyways. Back to the grind, so I don't cringe a little internally every time AB touches me.

Music for the fun that will be had, toxic and fluffy:

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fre_natae/3209332438/

What a Flirt!

I need to make a confession, I partake in flirting for the purposes of free caffeine. Look there is a recession, a trip to NYC and life essentials like my Crackberry to pay for, why pay for my double tall vanilla soy latte if I don't have to? See the issue is when you flirt for coffee it's kind of shameless and vulnerable, I mean do you think straight before you have your coffee? All that being said, when I stopped into my local store, I came face to face with my biggest flirting companion, and a date. Yep I got asked on a coffee date (the way to this caffeinated girl's heart), and I walked out of the store wondering if I managed to get myself in too deep. What happens if it doesn't work out, do I get my free coffee from one of the other boys or do I have to as I did before, leave the store for a period of time until they all move on to other locations. and then the cycle begins again?

Ack! A real date, apparently someone just threw me onto that elusive horse I was happy just flirting with. If this is where flirting gets you, I'm not so sure... right? Who really wants a date? Me? Even if it's just so I can justify purchasing this t-shirt