Step Back - She's Going to Blow - Part 1 of Many on the State of the Non-Union

Which is a helpful warning that I'm going to be venting here rather than sending him NLLL word laced emails about what the NLLL is wrong with him.

Quite frankly as someone very used to one side of the counselling chair and a little on the other, I know he's got issues - hell we all do and I know that those are present right now, like his inability to own his own shit and so it's mine to deal with.

Case in point - and yes this will come as a surprise to some of you. We struggled with maintaining the line of "intimacy" which is polite language for sex. He has in each of his dating relationships and I guess I have too but well that's ones more complicated but whatever, lets just for the sake of owning things call it equal.

So we knew it would be a struggle, we started on the same page verbally but alas that didn't work - so needless to say it happened. We talked about the fact that while he could I couldn't ethically etc. we trying to work every angle of how to structure the relationship back to non-sex land. It did eventually work itself out and then abruptly in January he started asserting the other boundaries.  My stuff was no longer welcome, my drawer started to thin out, my food was no longer welcome and things changed. I figured that the lack of sex was the issue. Well I couldn't change that but figured we would ride through that.

Turns out the issue wasn't the lack, it was that there had been any at all. I am a grade A slutty harlot who stood between him and Jesus. And you know what I'm going to own that - not because I agree or that I am but if you cannot own that you initiated the majority, that you wanted that kind of a relationship than that's your shit but you cannot put it on me. I have mine to deal with and I own it as un-proud as it makes me feel.

I'm not proud - it was hard and having both of us effectively live alone didn't help - boundaries you are a challenging beast. But I will not be shamed or blamed.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Brene Brown

It's a Mystery

Could someone explain to me why when I am finally convincing myself that I am happy with community and being single that the Douche decides to be friendly never mind another classmate who I do not know well enough is acting continuously friendly past the point I'm comfortable with for single men.*

I want to be friendly. I don't want to be a frosty b*tch, but it seems I cannot figure out how to be friendly without having to worry about any of my single male classmates getting any ideas about how I feel about dating, or dating specifically them. I am happy in my single woman bubble, especially when it comes to matters related to the Douche. Seriously dude I want to go back to you and me awkwardly glaring at each other in the hall rather than discussing how our semester is going and saying good morning like we can relate to each other.

As for the other guy, he's sweet, but I'm positive he's a lot younger than me, though his FB comments seem to put that into question. Though the big issue I have with him is I discovered via FB recon that he's possibly a closet misogynist. Let me explain, he is part of a men's group that has very specific opinions about men and women - such opinions that led me to the following expression when I stumbled upon pictures of his group together from the fall:

So there you have it universe - I would appreciate if you could go back to normal - where men ignore me and I have a sense of peace in these last few weeks of school. While we're at it just extend that behaviour into the next few years while you're at it.

* Have no problem getting chatty with the married men in my classes because I know exactly where they stand and vice versa - boys who are unattached getting chatty always put me on edge unless I know where they stand like Mr. Awkward Date.

I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

Dating, shmating...

I have decided that I have zero sound judgment left when it comes to dating, hell I've been considering asking out the Douche. To even consider is evidence enough that while I'm not in the active dating circuit (as evidenced by my lack of dates), I best not enter it any time soon.

That being said, I am aware that I have lost my sound judgment, I also feel like this is where I will have to start when I restart the looking process.

I am also tempted to say that I might consider another dating site in the future, a paid one this time in the hopes of ensuring that as I agree with Ms. Amy that I do not end up the dregs in the pool again.  So there you have it, in the season of mistletoe and booze, I'm pulling myself out of the line-up.

How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?

I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.

I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.

So take control then, damn it.

 When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.

Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.

The Week That Was...

So my first "real" week of graduate school has passed and I have little to show for it other than the insane mountain of homework I seriously need to get to... but since that is not the point of this week I feel like I should up date you on all the bizarre, quirky and lovely things that are my life.

In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.

Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...

First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects.  BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.

Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings.  HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up.  Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that.  Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him.  Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.

On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates.  I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:



Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that.  RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case.  That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.

Hold Up, You WHAT?

RB and I finally talked today after he got his pep talk from his mentor... oh honey it gets better.  So apparently he's been "sort of" dating someone for the better part of the year and they just broke up and he's moving on to this new girl.... "Sort of," eh?  That's religious boy speak for we hung out, I got what I needed from the relationship but didn't actually commit and therefore didn't have to act like I was in a relationship.

So I call this pseudo dating.  And pseudo dating is one of the hallmarks of man children.  It is their calling card, the theme of their lives, the root verb of their lives (sorry Hebrew metaphor).

Furthermore IT IS NOT OKAY.  It is not okay, you are in or you are out, but you are not half way or more appropriate to say NLLL hatsi*-ing it.

It was the big red flag that to me in that moment made me want to say, I don't care if you pray about this for an eternity, do not bring this up because at that time I will tell you no and likely I will tell you no with a lot of reasons attached to it that might not be so edifying or graceful.

And for y'all this is your hold up, what moment - one of my fellow Hebrew classmates has a man in mind who from her description sounds good, maybe too good, I have my doubts about men.  So she's working at setting us up - which I'm leaving in his hands or theirs depending on how much she harps on it...

The biggest catch - RB and he live in the same house - the house of men that is off limits and one quite frankly I want off limits as I have no desire for some kind of discussion about me between any of these men. Not that I think men gossip the way women do but a slew of them in a house I doubt they are all prim and proper about not "kissing and telling."  But at this moment the Hebrew calls, I will keep everyone informed. I PROMISE.

*Hebrewisms and the like

Random song that came in mind with the announcement of my first roommate's pregnancy - this album was on repeat while we lived together.

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

So Maybe I am

A little bit of a prude.  I prefer to call it decorum.  I think there is a range of permissible behaviour when it comes to engaging with people.  I was talking with JS about the girl who drapes herself all over RB.  Yes it annoys me but she's also almost a decade younger than me.   There are lots of things I did differently a decade ago, some of that was being willing to allow for more transgress-able body space.  The problem I found was when you do that your actions and the actions of others are easily confused or misread.  You become a flirt, a flake and your emotions, your feelings are suddenly invalid.  Now I don't agree with this but when I did behave like this the boys I liked were happy to reciprocate with the hugs etcetera however when it came to discussion of actual interest it was often rebuffed with we're just friends sorry you interpreted my gestures as more or how was I suppose to know that's what you meant, you do that with everyone...  It made me realize that being overly free with how I define my friends and those I like can be a double edged sword for me.  So I did end up swinging the opposite way with BI being possibly too rigid, and so in recent years I have been more flexible.  Hugs are fine if hugs are a universal.  In other words, does he hug everyone he knows, then yes hugging is fine.  I was fine with that for OM, AB and X.  Beyond that there is no beyond that.  I know that some are more flexible but as it stands RB and I are in an almost rigid stand-off when it comes to anything, and there could be lots of good reasons for it.  I think one of the top reasons is we haven't put out on the table where the other person stands.  There was a distinct time in the late fall that I was sure he was developing some sort of feeling, that we were going in that direction but I put the breaks on as hard as I could emotionally which I am sure was conveyed physically in some way or another.

Why?  RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me.  He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on.  And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process.  And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest.  So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you.  Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain."  Or maybe FB message.  Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew.  Yes it's back on.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*

Not all Date Failures are Real Failures

I was joking with MW today on FB that our friendship is the result of a failed blind date we had in 2007.  More so we had no chemistry, maybe even subzero chemistry.  And maybe that was a good thing.  I was a girl with big wounds I was ignoring and if MW and I had even remotely close to the banter we sometimes get to these days I'd have imploded that relationship and possibly not addressed my real issues in the same process.

But now?

Well I recovered from the initial hurt of rejection, I did think he was funny and cute despite the chemistry issue, I was prepared to role with things.  Hey I was young, I had yet to understand how important chemistry is. And now? Now we're pretty good friends.  I could and would say that I love the guy, not in love with, but I think really really highly of him.  Yes we have continuous cheeky banter that goes back and forth that might make some of my girlfriends eye brows raise, but I will say none of that happened while I was with X (he's a gentleman like that even if he has no intentions) and I think we both know that we would probably die of laughter before actually doing anything remotely romantic if we met up again.  Honestly that is what I like, he's safe in all the good ways - makes me laugh, kind heart and a good listener.

So, I know what you're saying - sounds like most if not all the ingredients for a relationship.  Well he and I are different souls, he's a wanderer and I like roots (As Ms J, X and HSBFF will attest I do not travel well - I'm like a banana), he's a wilderness man and I love the city - I need noise, and not the noise of chickens kind of noise.  That being said, it has made me ponder today this:

As important as chemistry is, when is the need for companionship and procreation a stronger push.

I guess what I am trying to suss out is MW and X would make great dads and partners.  Both are by no means perfect for me, X is definitely more so, but regardless, is this the time to find the best partner and future father for my children and put aside the need for steam in the bedroom?

And I will add that as MW has pointed out there is a difference between passion and chemistry, or is there?

This does not necessarily relate but I love Annie Lennox and the Fray and together well it's perfect

Love Love LOVE

I am in love with Florence and the Machine, truthfully completely captivated by her voice, her movements, her art as a whole. I couldn't get enough of her (and Lady Antebellum) while I travelled this past week - this song though is not on her amazing cd - so I feel that I need to share it.  I know it is a cover, but sometimes the reinterpretations are better - this is one of those cases. 

I Might Miss My Job

One of N's co-workers came in this morning
Me: You're a vision in pink and purple, like...
N-CW: Barney
N: More like Doctor Barbie"
Me: "Actually more like Scrub Barbie.  Doctor Barbie comes with stilettos, a mini skirt and a stethoscope, those you don't have.

Maybe it's not that funny but I'm going to miss some of the girls here - most of those are ones I don't work with directly... *sigh* but truthfully those feelings diminished pretty quickly when the server this morning decided to be a pain in my ass, the heat is being screwy and I'm exhausted and it isn't even 9:30am.

So I met with the other PU and she's well like Margery Kemp and I guess that is always the way it is going to be so I'm just going to have to get down with that.  The things that I thought she would be negative about she wasn't so heck that's a plus.  But the life-like Margery K isn't really working for me - she was enough in literary format.  Oh well, I guess that's life, it could be worse. 

Like... realizing that John Mayer is the head deity in the Man-Child religion - I have been listening to Taylor Swift's Dear John song on endless repeat, why I don't know to be honest, but the lyrics remind me of AB.  Yes we can question if it is about JM but really it is whether she says it is or not.  So know that I've come to that realization I'm not sure how I benefit - does it mean that man children can renounce their beliefs, does it mean that they can convert later in life - because if that is the case how do I screen for that? Oh why John, why do you need to keep seducing the all the cute talented men over to your dark and twisty but oh so cute cult?

Purging...

Emotions are a nasty bee-atch. In all honesty I texted AB last night, not for a booty call, no point driving a hole through my heart regardless of how drunk I could have been, and for the record wasn't that drunk. I confessed that I still missed him bitterly and I hated that, I hated I couldn't forget him. He said he missed me too and wanted to get together. Jerk.

So what did I do? All day today I cleaned, every corner of my bedroom, scrubbed the windows, the window screens, the walls, floor boards, rearranged the furniture, washed everything. In the faint, small hope that when I got into bed tonight it would feel different, that the memories wouldn't come flooding back in the clarity in which they consistently do. That I wouldn't long for him knowing it was all completely pointless, and that I wouldn't feel jealous. That I wouldn't wonder about the woman who being better for him than me would be able to get him to open up and truly love someone. I know that it is me. Not that woman, no that it is about me. That I can't be that woman, that I'm not that woman. It sucks to try to daily process that, when they are that person. The person who you first really love and open up everything in your life to and they choose to walk away.

So I work to daily purge what I can - leaving the wounds as clean as possible in the hopes they heal, the scars fade ever so slightly and I move on - another one of those faint hopes.

PS It feels no different in bed tonight...

More Updates

Sheesh you get the smell of a man off you finally somehow and then they all come out of the wood work or something like that. AL is back. Now if you remember AL was intricately weaved into the infamous night of gin and tequila and goodness knows whatever else I drank that went something like this if you need a recap.

1. AB and I had the talk - the I really like you but I'm happy single talk (First weekend of September folks)

2. Next week was the annual booze fest at AB and roommates place - I attended being the "adult," showed up 4 hours earlier on a sweltering Saturday - homemade mango black bean salsa in hand. We watched Lost and started drinking - gin and tonic, safe... all platonic at this point.

3. Two gin and tonics later AL shows up with Patron in hand and the X's and O's shot glasses come out - two down the hatch followed by another gin and tonic which I nurse (two more shots later on). At this point platonic goes out the window and the odd body part stops respecting personal space, a finger along a wrist, and foot up the back of a leg etc. This continues on for the next 4 hours. AB kept drinking - AL seeing I wasn't up for another gin and tonic so he gets me juice and keeps it coming all while staying by my side - blocking AB and being handsy all the while. I don't like handsy - especially not touching my hair... anyways AL offers to drive me home. I'm thinking well it's a ride home and not a cab on a hot evening...

4. At the door as I hug AB night night, he oh so smoothly says have you seen the terrace (look you know I haven't why ask?) - AL interjects I have and works to hustle me out. I being blonde in another life say No, and get whisked minus AL to the terrace. Talking leads to me crying then laughing then um ya, let's just say things might have gone from zero to wherever if AL wasn't texting AB and I had another location option other than the gym room lockers to be propped against - just saying. So we collected ourselves and so on and so forth - fast forward to me going on a date with AL three weeks later as BR was moving in. Date was interesting

5. Interesting = Habitual Cheater confession. REALLY, oh they sure know how to pick me.

So there we have it AL is back, offering to take care of my sick ass - because he knows AB is out of the picture. And you know what? It ain't happening - I know I'm his perfect fetish and it ain't freaking happening. Why?

Honestly aside from the cheating thing and why the hell is there even an aside to that, I don't know, it's the two year dating minimum prior to engagement he has. Um I'm getting old - so if I date you for two years, engaged for a year at best, that's three freaking years of my life. Bless you but I want kids IN wedlock and NOT out of it, so no. I am not giving you three years of my eggs lives if I have a say in it. At this point in the game a back up reason as solid as that is really good reason to keep the handsy hands off of me. Though he can cook...

Part 3 of 3

So as the house attempted to return to normal yesterday morning, BR replaced me in the bathroom - she had added tequila to the Merlot - and I moped the floor and the watched a full day of football. I came to realize that AB hadn't texted, hadn't really at all since I returned from Philadelphia. Something happened during that trip that I can't put my finger on, or really want to, to be honest. He's moody, he says he misses me, wants to see me, but seems to do everything to avoid that. So I might want him, I might miss him, and I might even truly love him, but those don't matter, because I know that the longer I sit here, the more it all just sours my life. So I overruled all those things and began the eternal sunshine treatment. It won't be that hard to stop the texting, but the missing him part well hell that might just feel like hell. In the end I've have enough of his silence, whether it is due to his distance in all this or somepassive aggressive moody stance, regardless I'm leaving all of this behind me.

Sure I have a shit load of stuff that has found it's way to his place over the last 6 plus months, but I can contact his roommates or really anyone else to procure all that for me whenever I feel like that, to be honest part of me wants to see him cave, find out if there is a soul in him somewhere... So there we have it, the inevitable. It still makes me sad that it would end this way. That we'd be great friends and so on and so forth and then end up here in silence. Figures.

PS. Feels a whole hell of a lot like Twilight, and yes I know I should be smacked for again referencing myself to the quality literature of Meyers, kind of makes me Team Edward after all this. Hearts are fickle things.

Edward

I will confess as it has been referenced in the past that I have read the Twilight series... I have a cougar like attraction towards a character, not Edward, and now I apologize to my adult female peers. It is wrong. Very wrong. Last night when I laid down to have some Ativan assisted sleep, I found myself looking up at a LARGE poster of a snarly looking Edward and while I might have laughed and shrieked at that same time. I realized she looks that this poster every night. What has my 12 year old cousin, who looking like she could be my age in many biological respects, thinking when she sees this? This is my future husband? The first boy I kiss - it's going to be the way it was for Bella? The boy I fall in love with is going to be beyond chaste and never feel me up, though he sleeps by me every night? That I won't ever feel like not being chaste before I am actually ready...

To my cousin I have this to say:

1. Let's all now eliminate that belief you will marry Edward he's fiction, Robert is an actor much too old for you, as for marrying a vampire - well honey I am not going to go there.

2. Your first kiss is going to be awkward, hell even at 20 mine was more awkward than I want to go through again. It likely won't take your breath away, it might, maybe I am a pessimist. Actually now that I think about, wait until you are in your late 20's, have too much gin one night, and after flirting with a boy you've wanted to kiss for months - then that kiss will take your breath away, and do all that other stuff Hollywood promises you. Note #4, because you won't want to stop there.

3. Young boys are just hormones, they haven't mastered smooth yet, they think they have so learn this and learn this quickly because it will hopefully be less obvious the older you get - they will take whatever advantage you offer. The skeezy ones will take even what you don't offer that is what pepper spray and older brothers/dads are for.

4. The above becomes your reality in reverse, you'll be coy while you are young and cute, and once that uterus starts talking, that game goes out the window - you'll become friends with Victoria to help out the gals and Grey Goose to help make that boy on the stool next to you less annoying.

Everyone Meet...

AB *waves*

No I haven't added another AB, trust me, one in this lifetime is enough, would have been enough, but I think I need to stop the verbal/cranial diarrhea...but regardless.

So I found myself last night standing in the cold of the impending fall, it was cold to me, whether it was actually cold is another issue, being rude and trying find my keel again. I called AB, typing a message on FB on my Crackberry is as annoying as getting my SBucks drink made with milk instead of soy... so I had the joy of saying things in plain language like the lines on the white stick stress moment and listening to silence. Um ya AB, so you can't commit now, and you wonder why I didn't call and say hey my non-boyfriend we've got a little situation here, wondering if you wanted to come hold my hand and then run to the liquor store for a toasting beverage or a shot of courage for you. In the end the situation is as it was before - we're "friends" I'm beginning to feel that horrendous Kelly Clarkson song coming on like a deranged episode of Once More With Feeling, I'm going to break into, "don't waste your time trying to fix, what I want to erase, what I need to forget, don't waste your time on me my friend, friend, what does that even mean." Maybe this is a sign that I need to do as Ms. J has suggested, cut all ties, delete him, block him and move on... likely would be a good thing if I could do that, spending time without him is enough of a step at this moment, in time I think the other will come. Right now I'm trying to take one step at a time away from AB. Since yes we all can say I'm crazy about him and even crazier that I think that. Could someone commit me to the rehab all the celebrities go to, the ones with all the booze and drugs, that way I could get the supervised vay-cay I need. Meh, I guess it's just time to up the miles on the daily run.

For the record - I don't believe anyone can be fixed with a relationship or without or any of that business - we can be healthier - but that health thing is an individual journey in my opinion....

Let's Review The Past Posts Now Shall We?

I've had some amazing talks, 8 miles of purging, support and yes a healthy dose of grace and compassion too. I have also received laughter, and the reminder that it's okay to cry, while I maintain an almost self destructive propencity towards self preservation, that it isn't necessary, except within the walls of my office, there I have to find something else other than either of those options.

But since I've got bigger pains right now to cover the deeper slower healing ones, I am going to leave y'all with these older words of wisdom for all of you out there AB included:

http://singleandpicky.blogspot.com/2009/07/where-are-fireworks.html - there is a moment of clarity in there that shocked me looking back at it, who knows how insightful it will be towards moments beyond this.

http://singleandpicky.blogspot.com/2009/07/thanks-gib.html

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nattyk/2473073706/

To Add Insult to Injury

I have a major toothache, it's a holiday and I can't do anything about either - I'm poor, and well the holiday part means I have to find a way to dull the other pain in my body, both seem to be wholly unresponsive to anything, both leave me feeling exhausted and yet both also leave me tossing and turning in the night and of course all I want to do is crawl into AB arms and cry, about everything.

Tossing and turning about the last time and only time (note I know that never works despite wishing it would) I did the whole trying to convince someone that I really was right for them and the funny thing about that. See I knew Mr. I Play A Guitar was wrong all along, I mean what guy decides to walk away from the girl he likes to date a woman he thinks is better for him but he has no feelings for, in the end he broke her heart, came back a year later, and well let's just say he ended up going back to her a few times before randomly marrying someone else... messy... AB is by no means Mr. IPAG, and yet I feel like some how I have to say all those same sorts of things I felt like saying to Mr. IPAG. AB stated that one of the reasons that he said "there are certain things I could see arising that may not mesh easily through"

Things like: I know AB expects that there is a certain activity as part of the relationship. I get that, I understand that, and I guess what I have been trying to tell AB somewhere in all this, is even if that was on the table, it would be messy, that's the reason why it's not, not at this stage, I need to trust that the person I walk through that with isn't going to walk away in the struggle, pain and all the other unknowns. Funny thing is I genuinely thought AB was possibly that person - and I know that's not a fair statement.

As I stare at that text message a day later, I can see it clearer, the separation that despite everything, all said and shared, I need to compel myself to get up, dust myself off and know that despite everything, despite every belief, emotion and wish - even on that star that night, I am not what AB wants and I can't go on wishing that that wasn't the case. The other truth is, somewhere in all this, I guess that's okay, I know it doesn't reflect on who either of us is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.