Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Oh I Need a Hole

A deep deep hole to hide in and drink and KAB you're going to want to look away as while the language is censored, it still might make you blush/uncomfortable.

My hormones are screwing with me - my anxiety is through the roof and the whole situation with ODM (Online Dating Man - we'll revise that one later) is flip flopping me through emotional disappointment and fear - it's like one foot tentatively on the gas and a hard slam down on the brakes every so often as the whole online line and the whole I don't know if I can or want to get married thing happens - and yes we are not there yet, but that's the problem with the switch in the wiring of an evangelical brain you cannot just date because they're awesome and you're awesome, no it has to be all about marriage...

Regardless that's really not the big fish I want to fry - I would like to actually fry FB for allowing a blocked person to send me a message, said blocked person CEF.* Yes CEF contacted me and it turns out he's been talking with my brother - NLLLing NLLL you think you make these things clear to your family, friends and to CEF. I changed my number, I changed my email, now I blog, tweet etc only anonymously and the one place where I didn't think I needed to worry about changing my name - I find I am actually not safe.

Was it a horrible message - no, it was actually an apology - didn't need to see it, I really don't NLLL NLLL care.

I need a hole.

*It seems you can get around blocking by setting up multiple profiles... oh FB. So it is never going to be a safe place.

Friday, August 16, 2013

A Little Blindsided

X had a rotten two weeks and hopefully he's in the process of beginning to turn the corner - but while it sucks that it has been rotten, I think it really has affirmed for me that we are good friends - and it is so much easier being his friend than his girlfriend, a lot less guilt.

But as for me, well I have been messaging daily with as of yet unnamed man in the chair, I haven't come up with a jazzy name for him yet and I don't know if I will because as amazing as our conversations have been, so much so to induce an, albeit irrational, meltdown about not being ready to get married. He informed me today that he's moving away. The move makes sense and is good for him, but it also indicates for me, one a deep sense of rootedness and it isn't going to happen. Now you're probably wondering if I was sitting on the fence about him why am I feeling all these mixed emotions. Mostly because he is a rare one in the faith community, completely liberal like me, educated and open, unashamed of any conversation. As I said to Ms. J at worst (like it seems now) he affirmed that the bar I set is completely achievable and I've got no reason to settle for less.

That doesn't really fix the weird hole in my heart I want to stuff with food.