Friday, June 28, 2013

A little update

I've wanted to sit down and write a post so many times and either bailed because I was tired or I had a drink or feeling overly sentimental... well tonight I might have done or be all those things but alas here I am, writing.

I sat down with my therapist for the first time in like 8 months - made me realize that I need to see her more often... *sigh* we didn't even getting to the whole I'm avoiding dating while being thankful there isn't anyone I want to date and I still have feelings for X while knowing that those feelings are not really those kinds of feelings, just the you're awesome and safe and you're the hole I want to bury myself in but I know that isn't ideal for either of us, because I know somewhere in me, that at the end of the day that isn't the kind of relationship either of us wants or needs - maybe those feelings radically change one day, but for now it isn't there.

Nor is the situation with DD - walking past his place on a semi frequent basis (which JS claims is stalking, I disagree as regardless of the route I would be in his hood) but whatever, it has made me realize that even if for some reason we were to collide one of these morning while I am "glowing" sans makeup and with bed head in a bun I wouldn't care. Sure I might be flustered, but I'm not interested in playing the let me be cute game. Quite frankly if anything I am trying to let whatever this is be the process by which I once and for all put it all behind me because the reality is our social circles will likely collide and when they do I want to have found a way to have collect my NLLL, even cleaned, organized and stored it away if possible.

As for whether I suck it up and do an online dating option, right now I just cannot, it feels too objectifying which I know is a me thing and not necessarily the format of the service. I guess I'm just going to stay where I am at with that until my therapist holds my feet to the fire and then I guess I'll just have to pick a guy I know who will be the most compassionate... ya that will work swimmingly I can just see it now.

Yep that is about it - other than trying to sleep, my exhaustion is limiting that ironically and working... lots and lots of working, and reading - thankfully or not so thankfully my job affords me a lot of time on the weekend to read, so much so that it is my hope that I can finish my reading list and consider posting a similar photo as this one in our school directory.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Not Much to Say

Things will be getting busy in the next few weeks and it will be all sorts of wonderful. In the meanwhile things are just sort of in that let's get this NLLL stuff sorted out, all the stuff I had intentions on doing but just never get around to like, buying a real sports bra.

I have an aversion to buying bras, especially sports bras. I have never particularly felt comfortable with my matching lady parts. Being the first to get them and at an age where everyone wanted to stare at them sure didn't set me up for a lot of cherishing them, nor did the events that followed after those early years. That being said I do respect them and because I do I knew I needed to suck up my negative feelings and embrace the process. The process resulted in a shocking revelation. I'm a 34 DD according to the wonderful sports bra makers. I knew that I am small structurally in my upper body, but a DD(!) that I wasn't prepared for, nor was I thrilled with the idea I could be larger, especially considering that there are not a lot of options beyond that other than specialty products. One more reason I don't know if I want to have babies, I cannot imagine trying to run after afterwards.

Well that being said, on a positive note now I can run without an additional tank to brace them - wahoo.

All sorts of info I know you wanted to know... and in light of my 3 day weekend (craziness given I haven't had more than a day off a week since the middle of April)