Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.

UGH the process

I watched Ms. J get married yesterday to an awesome man - seriously awesome and it was full of joy and hope and all the other amazing things and in a small way it did hurt my heart and yet thankfully it didn't really - the joy was a blessed covering over it all. However, once the party ended the real work, the real work of getting into the rough part of the break up had to begin. And so I started my steps.

Step 1 - Sweat the bastard out of my pores on a dark dance floor, in the company of safe people. My toes are brutalized but that was absolutely necessary.

Step 2 - Be awkward. I am fully, maybe too much so, okay with making others awkward as I am awkward. I will take a conversation to that point etc and I am happy to be awkward in my love and devotion. I'm also apparently down with making myself terrified for a moment while being that possibly cruel person sitting on the fringes of LG's life (this morning literally in church) and poking every so often is a hey NLLL'er, remember me, I'm not going to fade away, I'm going to make you, when I'm damn ready look at me, know me and know that you didn't break me but that you also were an asshole to me - maybe those words you said will ring in your ears like they do mine. On that note I will likely not continue attending, it took too much work to make him disappear from my line of sight while knowing he could see me. I am happy with being a nagging presence on my own terms, I don't need him getting any stealth cornering moves up and yes if you're wondering I was calculated enough to leave his keys at home. I am handing those back on MY terms

Step 3. Stock up your house-sitting with good soul nurturing food and some bad stuff - help ride the waves AND FLOWERS.

Step 4. Being affirmed in the blessed company of amazing new friends and an old one and have the words of affirmation from a female pastor, reminding me that in my Mennonite and social justice ways I am not a heretic for affirming that we must consider socio-economic (and race) issues in violence/war, birth control/family planning and just shalom. Shit is real peeps, and being a white Canadian middle class educated woman means I don't really know how real the shit is but I'm under so illusion that it smells nice, that's for sure.

Step 5. Go to sleep, knowing that AE (and KAB by proxy) will be present to support and love through the possibly brutal process of handing back the keys.

Hurdles to be Hurdled

So as LG and I are working toward whatever we're working toward and I'm trying to get my head around all the hurdles I never expected to have to hurdle over and trying to see them as good potentials.

For example LG would have better career options if he moves to England for a few years - he was there before he came home to help take care of his teenage nephew due to a sudden death in the family. IF (HUGE IF, I REPEAT HUGE) I were to go with him my certification for chaplaincy doesn't carry beyond North America. It is its own masters degree in the UK. BUT that being said, while I would love to work in chaplaincy, working in a small parish/church I would have the opportunity to do many of the same things as well as developing longer term relationships with members. So it might actually be harder and possibly a richer experience. But that changes what my life will look like as of this summer - so it might mean having some serious discussions a lot sooner than I might want to

But that being said we talked about his hours. I get that lawyers work crazy hours and when I dated X I knew as an in-hospital physician he would also work similar hours. But as I've gotten older, I've wrestled with the reality that sure an extra pay check and a warm body on the other side of the bed are nice things, but if I'm by reality a single parent, why aren't I just a single parent? In that what is the benefit to having a partner who cannot partner with me in all aspects of life. I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself, never mind what that would look like with LG in the picture.

He is still conservative and I know that will be a work in progress, quite frankly I think in this arrangement he has the tougher road. He has strong opinions about things and my life experiences have so far shut down conversations in awkward but humorous to me, exchanges. For example I tweet anonymously and he chided me saying that it's cowardly to not put my name to my opinions. And fair enough, given all the NLLL trolls that populate the interwebs that is a justifiable response. HOWEVER, I have CEF to deal with and I am privileged to a little peace and privacy. That response resulted in a retraction. Yes dude I will fight you on these things like your definition of feminism and Internet privacy. I'm not bothered by it, they are little hurdles that I'm prepared to see where we both fumble.

But all that being said in the last 24hrs my EH account is getting some serious action and I can only laugh. REALLY? Now? I have no desire to push LG to the whole are we seriously dating discussion because the title isn't worth a lot and I'm not adding a FB status to my life so whatever, but I'm not sure how to respond to these men. And I know JS would suggest I test out the waters with these men, but I don't have it even remotely in my heart to.

We'll see - Ms. J and her beau and the two of us have a double date next Wed, so once he overcomes that hurdle we'll see what discussions arise.

Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

EH Update 1

Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.

So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.

So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.

The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.

As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.

"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"

Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.

And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.

So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:

Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward

Musical Moment

AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot.  I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly.  I love it, even though it makes me a little sad.  And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.

The Week That Was...

So my first "real" week of graduate school has passed and I have little to show for it other than the insane mountain of homework I seriously need to get to... but since that is not the point of this week I feel like I should up date you on all the bizarre, quirky and lovely things that are my life.

In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.

Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...

First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects.  BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.

Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings.  HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up.  Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that.  Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him.  Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.

On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates.  I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:



Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that.  RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case.  That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.

Maybe, just Maybe

I might be too Bitchy McBitcherson for my own good.

I was scanning old posts, trying to figure out where I have been in the last few years and get a little perspective.  Well it seems that while I'm actually a lot funnier and quirkier than this blog demonstrates most days I definitely do not mince words when it comes to menfolk, and that is actually very true to life. The following gems, though almost two years old now definitely still represent how I feel, though my BCBG stilettos have been shelved until they can be re-heeled.

"Personally for me a man who can't initiate is destined to be skinned alive not only on this blog but also by me. Maybe I am jaded, just too many man children running around - you have to test them with a little flame or hook to see what they're made of, or maybe it's like X says, relationships are a dance, an equal give and take partnership, if it's lopsided you fall and someone get's smooshed/crushed in the process. In the end their weakness will result in them finding their way to the bottom side of my soft gray BCBG stiletto pumps."

And last but not least a comment in regards to this post by TOITB:

"We (women) are insane - I think you (X) know that and well the men I have come to know personally definitely push the stupid category (AB, DirectoryBoy, OM and the list goes on). In the end it is about finding someone you think is a tolerable amount of insane, and for me that means I need to find someone that doesn't make me want to self lobotomize myself with a plastic knife. So romantic isn't it?"

Well as we can tell the dating world is going swimmingly and once again I am enjoying the space in my bed and the freedom to go to Starbucks without caring that I don't have any eyeliner on. 

Feel Free to Smack Me Anytime Now

First it should come as no surprise to you that I'm now going to be posting more often over the next few weeks because I have papers to do.  Oddly posting though procrastination seems to be the mental equivalent of going for the run to calm my nerves, it gets some of the ants out of me.

So on that note, today's post and the reason you can smack me.

This online business has made me realize I like being single.  For the love of all things pink and sparkly where are all the good ones for me?  I am not saying that online dating is full of duds, I means I know there are duds, but they are everywhere.  Which as an aside is rather unfortunately because if they could all be relegated to the interwebs maybe life would be more peaceful.  But this is not my point.  I know I'm unique, and I mean that in all the positive and not so positive aspects of that word.  I really cannot date Americans - though yes if you are counting CEF, X and the majority of my currently peer selection fall into this category.  I don't have a problem with Americans, I have a slight issues with their lack of health care and their bloody backwards ideas about marriage, birth control and war, especially war, being that I am a pacifist.  So you add that plus the graduate degree I'm pursuing which is extremely polarizing in the religious community I am apart of and fishing in for my "future someone," then tack on the dysfunctional body and even more complicated and dysfunctional past, especially the lack there of my v-card.  Which taking another aside was lost not by my choice initially and then it was freely given to AB and X.  I don't have any qualms with that part of my life, with those choices, but I have come across men who believe that I beyond damaged goods for those choices, that I've passed myself around.  Which quite frankly is a completely sordid load of NLLL in my opinion.   So whatever, the point is not to say I'm broken and a mess.  I guess, the issue is the same as it was 5 years ago.  People, including myself, are too damn complicated to be online dating.

So basically I've come to the opinion not only is it a load of NLLL, but that X is still the best one out there.  Yes yes and this is where I have to also say and how exactly do I and X maintain a relationship? We cannot and such is this whole bloody crock.  I still love a man who is wholly unattainable.

Even worse I cannot even claim the following for my actions:

Oh well.  Back to the books.

Living on the Other Side of the Line

For all intensive purposes I am currently living below the poverty line.  I knew I would be when I started graduate school.  I knew that things would be tight, at times very tight.  I did not expect that they would be this tight.  I had to contact my church this week to ask for help - after almost two months of wrestling with the idea, knowing that despite how ridiculously tight things are right now, that there are always those who need more than I do.  I have a home right?  I have heat (well sort of - my landlord is stingy in that regard), I have some resemblance of health and more importantly I'm the only mouth to feed. Well in asking for help I'm realizing how socially shameful it is to be on this side of the line - regardless of how you get here. There are strings, lots of strings, and questions and judgements.  All I conceptually understand are well meaning, but they hurt.  They hurt a lot. They imply - they imply that I should have known better.

I guess this is also me venting at God too - I know I try to keep my faith out of this blog - but I guess in all this hurt, is the question of where is the provision? And if this is the provision why does it hurt, why does it come with shame and guilt attached to it?  Isn't that counter to everything that is who you are?  Funny somewhere in this I know there is an answer - just feels beyond reach at the moment.

This is not a hand out moment but may be a moment to remember that when you judge a person on the other side of that poverty line - the world on this side is full of enough hardship without that and for better or worse I now know that first hand.

You'd Think We Were Past This

L stopped by yesterday afternoon to chat and see her old home.  In our conversation about relationships - the freedom I have with X - he treats me like an adult that can take care of herself - go figure, I am.  Then it came up that CEF was the opposite - he is the opposite of X in every way - which is why I'm still with X and I would like to never hear from CEF again.  Now we've discussed why I blog anonymously, why I am more vague than I really should be, my militancy about secrecy apparently is about as effective as the US/Canada boarder.  It works most of the time, but well there are moments you do not ever anticipate.

Like I never anticipated that CEF would contact L's husband on FB.

My first reaction was what did he tell him, thinking please Lord I hope he didn't tell him anything of significance. That information made me realize that I cannot seal myself off perfectly - ever.  Stupid Google, FB and even Twitter - I cannot guarantee that I won't find myself face to face with a man that would likely make me soil myself or just bolt.  Hopefully I just turn and channel Kara Goucher and hope that no one is with me because I'm going to be one seriously hot mess after it all.

I keep hoping that we've put enough time between us - it's going be 3 full years this September. I just wonder - what happens when I get into graduate school elsewhere - away from family - my name will be Google-able - what then?  Do I change my name?  Do I tell my future school I've got a  CEF I don't want showing up at my office hours?  Or am I still talking and walking like the same wounded woman I was 3 years ago.  I am not sure which is worse to be honest.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fragiletender/5333864895/

For AB-sake!*

I have just returned home from Philadelphia after a week away - returning home to rain, snow, ice and well winter.  I am not overly thrilled with it - but it is here and I have to deal with it I guess.

I have a confession of sorts - while I was in Philly AB texted me.  I have to say I've come to the point in our relationship/friendship where if I could there would be plates and other breakables being thrown at him in these moments.  It's like he knows when I'm bemoaning his stupidity or something.

"Hey just thought of you... Sorry if it's late but just wondering how you are? :)"

Options for this statement:

1. He was drunk and "lonely" - because I just looked at the calender - the 23rd was comedy night when he goes out with his girl-frenemies (skanks I prefer to be enemies with).  Oh sad little boy. 

 My response since I know Ms J wants to make sure I didn't have a brain malfunction while running.

"In Philly at the moment, did NYC with my dad yesterday and the race went good on Sunday, all and all going good.  Hope you are doing good with work and all, we should catch up in December when I am done class."

No response from AB - for one I know December is his drinking month - how else can he stomach turning 32 and have the life he has - well that's my understanding of his drinking.  So I don't have to worry about catching up.  My question is when did I become his booty call?  Since when was I like one of his harem.  I am beginning to wonder if men have this once mine always mine to reclaim belief - I know CEF did and now AB is starting to act like it.

Oh well thought I'd keep everyone updated with this sad story - and on that note a song I think that you, TOITB will appreciate - so maybe you can get one of their songs stuck in your head and learn to hate it like I hate their really popular song who's name shall not be mentioned.




* I think you know what I mean

PU's and Dating

My PU, as he's referred to around here, and I have an improving relationship but it's not conventional because I never was a "conventional daughter." I was the take care of my brother, make dinner, do homework, serious child.  I didn't like boys (in my PU's opinion - but I did think boys were cool just so we are straight on that) and boys as far as I believed would never like me.  I never went on a date in high school, kissed a boy (had to wait until 2nd year of university and I really should have waited longer) and I went to grad/prom alone. 

I have no issue with this being my teenage story because the guys I went to school with were my friends - in the end I preferred being their friends and still being their friends, like BI.  Given that arrangement I think my parents got lulled into the perception that their daughter was either asexual or like a Disney Princess who being single her whole like miraculously stumbles upon a man of good moral character and breeding and in 10 to 30 minutes accepts a marriage proposal and it's all said and done.  Yet neither is the case - and they've had their struggles with that.  Some in part was my "fault."

Dr. A (My Mr. Big) was the first man I brought home in any respect - he was 15 years my senior and we weren't formally dating.  My parents didn't quite know what to do with themselves.  Thankfully for them he skipped town with a coworker.*  After that it was CEF who was thrown at them more or less - a hey so I'm getting married, here is my fiance and that's the end of that.  Well that policy was stupid, flawed and in the end caused so much strife that it was the final straw in my parent's marriage - August 08 was fun times all around our home.

So... after months and months of therapy etc - see previous posts for all the therapy reasons - my DrBrain says you need to start dating.  WHAT?!! I don't date.  I do the Disney princess and fall into a perfect relationship.  Apparently that is not how things work.  So I started with OM.  My PU didn't know about OM, and why did he need to - OM was a bust**.  Then came AB and simultaneously BV and then AL, BB.  AB in the end was the only one he ever knew about. ***

So what is the point in this sharing moment.  Well my PU doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge their were others, other than AB AND that there will be more in the future and I have FB and Dr. C to thank for all this.  No Dr. C and I are not or ever have discussed that topic of dating - but the presence of a man has left my dad scratching his head.  I guess to him I'm his little girl and little girls don't talk to boys.

Note:

*I hold no malice to either - they are perfect for each other, though for their reputations/friendships sake they could have done it differently if they had wanted to.

** PU knows now, stupid FB, I had at the long discussion about the Olympics had to spill how OM and I knew each other
*** He has never met AB oddly enough

Photo : http://www.flickr.com/photos/focus_in_mind/2328162855/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Attn: East Coast Women

You apparently are not aware but you have an eligible bachelor in your midst.  Seriously.  I know everyone says all the good ones are gone but I believe while there might not be huge quantities left - there are some.  This one is even a doctor to be... kill two birds with one stone er shinny rock - snag a good guy and get your mother off your case for all the years you dated those emo man-children/aspiring *cough* er going nowhere musicians.  Who?  Well if I handed you his info then how would I know you worked for it.  Silly ladies, he is out there - keep looking and I'm sure you'll find him.

Hint - He comments on here once and while

BIG PLANS

I am hoping by emphasizing the title that it will:

a. Encourage me to embrace said plans
b. Provide justification when said plans make me feel lazy or overwhelming

Ms J is heading south this weekend, so I am on my own.  So what should S&P do while unsupervised?  None of those naughty things you might think, I would think of doing because I'm not thinking those things you are thinking I am thinking.  Oh no no no.  Actually I was considering a massage or a pedicure but those would only truly be wonderful if it wasn't so horridly cold here still.  Mother Nature has decided that because she was kindly cruel to us during a winter sporting event that can't be named for copyright reasons...winter should still be upon us... You might think I jest, but every day I look at my light winter coat and wonder if I should wear it or not, I usually don't and then spend the remainder of the day cursing my choice... Anyways we are no where near the disclosure of my plans...

1. Make ricotta cheese.  I don't know why I feel the compulsion to do so, but I do and oooooooo... brain wave I can make lemon ricotta muffins with it - now that really is a must do. (Check - Ricotta done and in fridge - PS So easy I don't think I will ever buy it from the store again, muffins done - they're okay - not like the WF ones which is a good and likely bad thing - the recipe needs work)


2. Update the food blog

3. Go for a run on Saturday morning and Sunday morning - ie. get out of the weekend funk business of staying in my pj's until the arrival of Ms. J or my PU compels me to bathe and change. (Saturday - done...)

4. READ.  Read, read, read - and maybe study too.  Now that I'm in this class I am grasping the necessity for me to get my studying self rolling again.  It is as most students know, like a train, the progress starts slow and once it warms up it's normally good, now it does get derailed but I'm going to do my best to avoid that... or WRITE - those MFA programs are starting up a siren song... but to apply I need a polished piece - ie. one solid chapter in a book - eek. (SUCCESS! - Chipped away at Vocab, Lit and Verbal - and started Catch 22 - sorry Ms. J I think I might have accomplished more that I have studying with you... or maybe I just feel better - the sun helps)

So there lovely folks are my plans.  We shall see, we shall see.

So musical selection - oddly enough I love to write to a beat and so this is one of those songs that I can really get mentally spewing to:

Looking Forward while Remembering

It is technically the first anniversary of my un-wedding (though I view it as the second given that I celebrated it last year).

Last year I was still numb. I had just come out of 6 months of intense individual and group counseling. I was getting ready to fly out to a foreign city and put into action what I had been learning about myself and about the healing journey we each individually set out on when we step from being a victim to being a survivor.  I have learned many lessons some simple and possibly trite and other very complicated and maybe poorly explained in this context but I will attempt to do so.

1.  Eat whatever the hell you want - if at the end of a week of double therapy and you feel like shit already, shoving a Whopper meal in your mouth in attempt to plug the gaping raw emotional hole is not bad.  I consumed ice cream despite the pain and the heart burn, I ate because despite the poor nutritional composition of the above,  eating is necessary for survival - if it can go in and stay in and possibly make you feel better - that is your focus.  This is when I abandoned veganism - cooking for myself was form of self care I wasn't prepared to engage in.

2. Put one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat and repeat again.  While this can be your marathon mantra, it's also the mantra of anyone trying to function, living isn't the goal, functioning is.  The daily get up, get dressed, get on the bus, go to work, smile (remember to fake it until you make it*), repeat, repeat repeat.  Then one day you might laugh, you might not feel completely raw and hollow - like someone has used one of your grandmother's souvenir spoons to hollow out all your internal contents.

3. Fake it until you make it* - my psych's words of wisdom which I live by

4.  Your heart is to be trusted - especially if you are a woman.  Our hearts are crazy - they love with intensity foreign to even ourselves, we feel deeply - pain, joy, violations etc, we hold our feelings, we have a 7th sense - it's the female intuition - we often refer to it as the mom sense - the one that knows when something is wrong, but it doesn't start when we have children - it is born into us - but we often ignore it.  We stop listening to that gut feeling that says no, this is wrong, you are better than this, you are loved - we ignore any or all of those statements.  I did and lo and behold I ended up engaged to a man I should never have even entered into a romantic relationship with.

5. There are some men who will insist they are ready for change - they were just waiting for you or they had just started making changes when you came along.  This is not good.  This is CEF.  I will tell you that he hadn't made the changes before and he wasn't going to make them after.  He wanted someone to make him feel better for being him - for being the apathetic, broken, alienating person he was.  I wanted him to be someone else.

6.  What you see is what you get with men,  if you are okay with what you see then great be friends.  If you love/want what you see (the whole person - insides are more important but whatever you know what I am getting at) then great he's good, he's the kind you spend late nights with - those don't necessarily work but whatever that's for another time and place.

7. Friends - Ms. J and I were friends but we weren't BFF's by any means - she was however my life line.  She didn't run at the sight of my pain.  Maybe Jennifer Knapp put it best this week on Twitter - and I will best summarize those who speak most eloquently of grace have received it in a profound way.  I have learned grace and mercy at the hands of Ms. J - they don't hand out life prizes for this on this Earth, but I know she's got a big one coming her way.

8.  Ms. J was only successful because I let her be.  Sounds a little narcissistic but it's true I could have gone on the rest of my life not talking but I got to the point where I just did it - sure it may have sounded formulaic to those around me at times - but it had to be a matter of fact act - I had so little energy and my movement forward was where that was going to be channeled.

9.  You never know where life is going to take you - let it fill you as you live - NYC, half and full marathon, school, future - life has changed and regardless of the ups and downs it is freaking beautiful.

10. Did I mention you put one foot in front of the other?    Tonight I am going to put one stiletto'd foot in front of the other and in the process celebrate the people who through their actions and prayers have got me here.

Valentine's Day

I have no moral objection to Valentine's Day. Seriously I don't. Weird. I do however have a moral objection to the idea that there will be a man some day in my life who will believe it is important. It is not. It is important that he remember my favorite colour *cough* pink *cough* or my favorite flowers (rose, peonies, tulips, freesia - any are good choices) etc, remember things I like etc. But you know what? I like those things year round. Like a big vase of pink tulips randomly arriving on the muckiest "winter" day around here would be more amazing then a singing card and a vase of overpriced roses (near death)... I know I'm asking too much. I know I'm picky and demanding and not thinking about how hard spontaneity and individual thought are.

So if he can only be spontaneous once in his life time I pray that it is when it involves a Legacy-esque ring and the act of proposing to my sorry self - in other words if he tries to do it on Valentine's day regardless of the carat, the answer will be no. Picky yes, crazy, I don't think so, but then again that might be because I have nothing to test it against.

PS. I will also admitt CEF managed the flowers thing - but he complained about the cost and never ever got a colour I would like or a type I remotely liked... and I am a horrible person for saying that, still

I Need A Favour

I need someone to check my texts from last night - really anything sent after 8pm. Once those are in the clear we need to find a way to convince Blackberry to develop a drunk texting app, something that will test your blood alcohol level and shut down if it's too high or something like that.

On the plus side of the evening and the reason I ended up the way I did:

1. Ms J is going to be my neighbor, we can be study buddies, sick buddies, TV buddies - we are going to have to marry twins at this rate kind of buddies. And even better there is a liquid fun store up the street so it will be awesome. All around awesome plus I have a friend who's a legitimate adult now, unlike me.

2. I looked good though who knows how I looked at the end of the evening. I mean I was fully clothed - nothing lost - though my hair might have been a fright... actually I did take off my shoes at the corner where Ms. J will be living soon, and walked home barefoot - the express bus had made me feel a little off. That really wasn't the issue, the issue was walking past the 4 police officers guarding the entrance to the venue and trying not to giggle.

3. I didn't kill myself on the BOSU in the middle of my floor

4. I was up and awake at 7am - yay circadian rhythm, I would have been up and showered and all that - but the landlord had emptied it so I wasted the last 2 hours in bed catching up on my blog reading. Y'all need to post more.

So... since I know no one is going to check my phone for me and honestly I would somehow be mortified if someone read it first before I could blog my shame, give me a second to remind myself that since AB isn't in bed next to me, it couldn't have been that bad...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/realplastictrees/2662405773/

More Updates

Sheesh you get the smell of a man off you finally somehow and then they all come out of the wood work or something like that. AL is back. Now if you remember AL was intricately weaved into the infamous night of gin and tequila and goodness knows whatever else I drank that went something like this if you need a recap.

1. AB and I had the talk - the I really like you but I'm happy single talk (First weekend of September folks)

2. Next week was the annual booze fest at AB and roommates place - I attended being the "adult," showed up 4 hours earlier on a sweltering Saturday - homemade mango black bean salsa in hand. We watched Lost and started drinking - gin and tonic, safe... all platonic at this point.

3. Two gin and tonics later AL shows up with Patron in hand and the X's and O's shot glasses come out - two down the hatch followed by another gin and tonic which I nurse (two more shots later on). At this point platonic goes out the window and the odd body part stops respecting personal space, a finger along a wrist, and foot up the back of a leg etc. This continues on for the next 4 hours. AB kept drinking - AL seeing I wasn't up for another gin and tonic so he gets me juice and keeps it coming all while staying by my side - blocking AB and being handsy all the while. I don't like handsy - especially not touching my hair... anyways AL offers to drive me home. I'm thinking well it's a ride home and not a cab on a hot evening...

4. At the door as I hug AB night night, he oh so smoothly says have you seen the terrace (look you know I haven't why ask?) - AL interjects I have and works to hustle me out. I being blonde in another life say No, and get whisked minus AL to the terrace. Talking leads to me crying then laughing then um ya, let's just say things might have gone from zero to wherever if AL wasn't texting AB and I had another location option other than the gym room lockers to be propped against - just saying. So we collected ourselves and so on and so forth - fast forward to me going on a date with AL three weeks later as BR was moving in. Date was interesting

5. Interesting = Habitual Cheater confession. REALLY, oh they sure know how to pick me.

So there we have it AL is back, offering to take care of my sick ass - because he knows AB is out of the picture. And you know what? It ain't happening - I know I'm his perfect fetish and it ain't freaking happening. Why?

Honestly aside from the cheating thing and why the hell is there even an aside to that, I don't know, it's the two year dating minimum prior to engagement he has. Um I'm getting old - so if I date you for two years, engaged for a year at best, that's three freaking years of my life. Bless you but I want kids IN wedlock and NOT out of it, so no. I am not giving you three years of my eggs lives if I have a say in it. At this point in the game a back up reason as solid as that is really good reason to keep the handsy hands off of me. Though he can cook...