Was Not Expecting That

I had to pick up the bracelet today and he took it upon himself despite repeated indications that I did not under any terms want the Narnia books he was reading to me. I have no memories of my parents reading to me and so this was a real gift. He did all the voices and it would be curled up against him, sometimes even lulled to sleep. I have no intention of ever opening the books and if I did it wouldn't be these ones. But there they were and I held in the tears for the 20 minute walk to Ms. J's where I am house sitting only to sit here bawling in the new rush of pain. He even ensured the card was included - given "with lots of love." I realized something as I sat staring at Twitter wanting to curse him out - you know what hurts more that believing he never cared, believing that he did love me and he said want he said still and did what he did like he has with no obvious emotion or care. Surprisingly to me that hurts fresh and deep, far deeper than it did last week. It's the kind of mind  NLLL that I cannot shake off with a piece of pie or Beyonce but I guess in time I will.

In the meanwhile these and the bracelet need a home - part time or forever home I don't know. Who wants them?

Step Back - She's Going to Blow - Part 1 of Many on the State of the Non-Union

Which is a helpful warning that I'm going to be venting here rather than sending him NLLL word laced emails about what the NLLL is wrong with him.

Quite frankly as someone very used to one side of the counselling chair and a little on the other, I know he's got issues - hell we all do and I know that those are present right now, like his inability to own his own shit and so it's mine to deal with.

Case in point - and yes this will come as a surprise to some of you. We struggled with maintaining the line of "intimacy" which is polite language for sex. He has in each of his dating relationships and I guess I have too but well that's ones more complicated but whatever, lets just for the sake of owning things call it equal.

So we knew it would be a struggle, we started on the same page verbally but alas that didn't work - so needless to say it happened. We talked about the fact that while he could I couldn't ethically etc. we trying to work every angle of how to structure the relationship back to non-sex land. It did eventually work itself out and then abruptly in January he started asserting the other boundaries.  My stuff was no longer welcome, my drawer started to thin out, my food was no longer welcome and things changed. I figured that the lack of sex was the issue. Well I couldn't change that but figured we would ride through that.

Turns out the issue wasn't the lack, it was that there had been any at all. I am a grade A slutty harlot who stood between him and Jesus. And you know what I'm going to own that - not because I agree or that I am but if you cannot own that you initiated the majority, that you wanted that kind of a relationship than that's your shit but you cannot put it on me. I have mine to deal with and I own it as un-proud as it makes me feel.

I'm not proud - it was hard and having both of us effectively live alone didn't help - boundaries you are a challenging beast. But I will not be shamed or blamed.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Brene Brown

So You Know When I Said

"That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways"

I think I was wrong *winces again*

I think dumbfounded might be a better term. 

So let's back this up before we get ahead of things.

I have been on shitty dates, a lot of shitty dates. This was in and of itself in comparison by no means a shitty date and I don't mean it wasn't shitty because my spanx and hair did what they needed to and he paid for a fairly expensive meal. 

No, I mean like good conversation, good body language - he's a wee bit of a messy eater but hey nothing a little grooming won't fix. He dressed well and looked good. Opened the car door. You know thinking about this I said to AE or probably more so she to me - there is a massive difference a few years makes in a how a single man treats a woman. I know my coworker thinks that I need to be aiming down age wise because they'll be better at sex longer (not sure why that's a foundation to build a life long relationship on but whatever), I'm much happier with someone who knows how to carry themselves. 

He talked well, he's well read. He's smart damn it. And smart is a good way to get into my brain. Brain is the route to my heart and from the heart well you can continue that thought wherever you would like.

He does have some little red flags - I get the sense he wants to get the ball rolling quickly. He seemed a little confused that I had to do my residency outside of my area - a little confused/concerned. I tried to minimize this a little - stating there was some flexibility. He seems to be a little sensitive on the money front - in the he has it and talks about it and coming from myself and a family that is decidedly middle class and I'm sitting at about the poverty line - I don't discuss money, EVER.

The date details/laugh highlights/annoyances:

I think the staff that the nice restaurant we were attending were a little surprised to see us together - I felt like I was being stared at, like I've done in places, trying to figure out what the NLLL is going on between two people. 

The waiter said hi to him, recognizing him and then to me when he realized I was new, stated, "Last time he was here it wasn't with a lady" AWKWARD.

He let me have a view of the city, though I did spend the majority of the time looking at him. (Sidetrack: FYI men, your profile pics should be flattering because his is beyond unattractive compared to him in person - he's not gorgeous, I'm not claiming he's whoever your idea of hot is, but he's not unattractive and I'll leave it at that because I'm still confused about what is going on here)

He walked behind me - this totally weirds me out because all I can think about is posture, stand talk, don't fumble in your heels and oh god how does my ass look, those spanx better be doing what I need out of them.

He did hold all my stuff as I put my sweater on and then helped me with my coat. DAMN it young one's that's how you do it.  You hold a lady's purse and help her with her coat.

SO NOW WHAT?

Well we have another date on Saturday to go to the theatre and I've been awake the better part of the night trying to figure out why I'm still smiling and what on earth just completely blind sided me while waiting by my phone.

WHAT THE HELL

If you're wondering about the other date with the other match - it's this Thursday evening after work in a coffee shop. 

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

I Wish I Could Ask

MW and friend just left the house after a lovely evening of talking and food consumption. It was all great and quite frankly deeply platonic.  I have been racking my brain for why I feel jealous, why I feel I need him.

I settled on it with the roommate, it comes down to no boundaries. I do not want to nor can I hedge him in, I cannot even remotely expect another visit and nor do I feel comfortable asking how many women he's kissed in the last few months. I would like to for the moment believe I'm special. I mean I know I am but something about Sunday has made me feel less special rather than more special.

Well I'm going to mourn that a little and move on. Sure there are things about him that make me realize that I feel the same about him as I have all these years and yet as I remember a conversation we had almost 5 years ago, I know that what things look like with MW are not as they are.

But in the end it is all too late to consider anything beyond my bed.

Sweet Mother of Baby Jebus

Directory Boy it turns out is my Mr. Perfect on Paper in flesh.  Now before y'all get upset - let me explain. Back in high school and well my undergrad - I had this mental list of MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT (squeeee!!) - the man of my dreams if I could assemble him, who quite frankly for everyone's sake, especially mine, should never become flesh.  Last night I found out that Directory Boy was/is my list man - kind of makes him unattractive now.

Hold up! Say what?!

Well here is the thing - aside from the apparent sureness of him being off the market - I don't know if I can wrap my brain around there being that person - because it comes with baggage.  The kind labelled with false expectations.  All the perfect ginger doctor hair in the world will never actually be perfect.   I am aware this all sort of sounds like a mash up of bipolar and pessimistic rantings - but such as they are - it is not to say that when I went to sleep last night I wasn't giggling.  I was, about how this is not what I expected - kind of funny wishing you could have a chat with your younger self and wondering if the list could have been longer or weirder just to avoid this moment - who would have thought -MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT wouldn't be so perfect in reality. 

You'd Think We Were Past This

L stopped by yesterday afternoon to chat and see her old home.  In our conversation about relationships - the freedom I have with X - he treats me like an adult that can take care of herself - go figure, I am.  Then it came up that CEF was the opposite - he is the opposite of X in every way - which is why I'm still with X and I would like to never hear from CEF again.  Now we've discussed why I blog anonymously, why I am more vague than I really should be, my militancy about secrecy apparently is about as effective as the US/Canada boarder.  It works most of the time, but well there are moments you do not ever anticipate.

Like I never anticipated that CEF would contact L's husband on FB.

My first reaction was what did he tell him, thinking please Lord I hope he didn't tell him anything of significance. That information made me realize that I cannot seal myself off perfectly - ever.  Stupid Google, FB and even Twitter - I cannot guarantee that I won't find myself face to face with a man that would likely make me soil myself or just bolt.  Hopefully I just turn and channel Kara Goucher and hope that no one is with me because I'm going to be one seriously hot mess after it all.

I keep hoping that we've put enough time between us - it's going be 3 full years this September. I just wonder - what happens when I get into graduate school elsewhere - away from family - my name will be Google-able - what then?  Do I change my name?  Do I tell my future school I've got a  CEF I don't want showing up at my office hours?  Or am I still talking and walking like the same wounded woman I was 3 years ago.  I am not sure which is worse to be honest.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fragiletender/5333864895/

Not Right

I marched into the Interfaith Center today an hour before my meeting - I knew doing so would increase my chances of seeing Mr. Bombastic, but I did not to actually see him and secondly I really did not expect the weird emotional response. I had butterflies and the related shyness when we acknowledged each other.  Dude, self, not okay.  I have no desire to know why I had those butterflies.  All I need to know is when they happen the calm, confident adult female I am goes AWOL.  Boo to all of it.  Hopefully next week the feelings will not remain. Why?  Because to be honest I would rather flirt with him, enjoy that banter and leave it at that, he's in an "it's complicated" space and I'm in I want to a relationship and if I can't have that then I will take just the superficial flirting and leave the rest space.

Hi All

So it seems in recent weeks that I've picked up a few lovely new folks.  So to those following or those lurking in the Interweb's shadows. The run down here is quite simple:

1. Everyone gets a nickname - there was a time in my life where I had my name and everything out in the open along with the names of Ms. J and well anyone who would grace these posts.  Well then CEF and a few other crazies caused me to shut down my old blog.  I actually stopped blogging for about 6 months which is a lifetime for me.  Then my shrink thought it was time for me to start dating, so here we are.

2.  What's up with the names?  Well L or HHMNERP (Hot Hot Married Native Ex Roomie Princess) as she prefers to be called started up the naming game when it came to naming boys we would see around town but didn't know their names - the very first one - Boy I Know My Mother Would Hate... I still see him around town.  The names protect everyone and makes everything else a little more kosher around these parts.

3. Check the right column for the run down on the names.

4. Who am I?  Well you can think of me as whoever you want - sorry no details, I've learned the less you really know the more protection I have - goodness it's like I am hiding from someone...

5. Comment - let me know what you think - I am always open for a swift kick or more preferably a laugh.  The large majority of these posts are written out of sheer humorous frustration.  I'm seriously not cranky and bitchy all the time, well unless you're one of my employees... just kidding.

6. Last but not least all my followers have pretty fabulous blogs, check them out.

Purging...

Emotions are a nasty bee-atch. In all honesty I texted AB last night, not for a booty call, no point driving a hole through my heart regardless of how drunk I could have been, and for the record wasn't that drunk. I confessed that I still missed him bitterly and I hated that, I hated I couldn't forget him. He said he missed me too and wanted to get together. Jerk.

So what did I do? All day today I cleaned, every corner of my bedroom, scrubbed the windows, the window screens, the walls, floor boards, rearranged the furniture, washed everything. In the faint, small hope that when I got into bed tonight it would feel different, that the memories wouldn't come flooding back in the clarity in which they consistently do. That I wouldn't long for him knowing it was all completely pointless, and that I wouldn't feel jealous. That I wouldn't wonder about the woman who being better for him than me would be able to get him to open up and truly love someone. I know that it is me. Not that woman, no that it is about me. That I can't be that woman, that I'm not that woman. It sucks to try to daily process that, when they are that person. The person who you first really love and open up everything in your life to and they choose to walk away.

So I work to daily purge what I can - leaving the wounds as clean as possible in the hopes they heal, the scars fade ever so slightly and I move on - another one of those faint hopes.

PS It feels no different in bed tonight...

I Need A Favour

I need someone to check my texts from last night - really anything sent after 8pm. Once those are in the clear we need to find a way to convince Blackberry to develop a drunk texting app, something that will test your blood alcohol level and shut down if it's too high or something like that.

On the plus side of the evening and the reason I ended up the way I did:

1. Ms J is going to be my neighbor, we can be study buddies, sick buddies, TV buddies - we are going to have to marry twins at this rate kind of buddies. And even better there is a liquid fun store up the street so it will be awesome. All around awesome plus I have a friend who's a legitimate adult now, unlike me.

2. I looked good though who knows how I looked at the end of the evening. I mean I was fully clothed - nothing lost - though my hair might have been a fright... actually I did take off my shoes at the corner where Ms. J will be living soon, and walked home barefoot - the express bus had made me feel a little off. That really wasn't the issue, the issue was walking past the 4 police officers guarding the entrance to the venue and trying not to giggle.

3. I didn't kill myself on the BOSU in the middle of my floor

4. I was up and awake at 7am - yay circadian rhythm, I would have been up and showered and all that - but the landlord had emptied it so I wasted the last 2 hours in bed catching up on my blog reading. Y'all need to post more.

So... since I know no one is going to check my phone for me and honestly I would somehow be mortified if someone read it first before I could blog my shame, give me a second to remind myself that since AB isn't in bed next to me, it couldn't have been that bad...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/realplastictrees/2662405773/

Ohhhh

On a completely different note - I went for a run though it was a very short - ie 30 minute run today. It was my first run in a month, I almost well you know, at the bliss of finally being able to feel that joy of flying around corners, of hearing only the sound of my breathing and the plod plod plod of my shoes on the ground. Even more exciting, despite what is being prayed for, danced for and even supported by the groundhogs, it is officially spring outside - the trees are blooming, the world is green and I ran in capris, a tee and arm warmers - no toque, no jacket, no long tights, no mittens. Was beyond bliss until I started my core work - that's when I put on OM's theme song, though I think we are going to reclaim it and give it to my equally annoying core work out.