I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

UGH the process

I watched Ms. J get married yesterday to an awesome man - seriously awesome and it was full of joy and hope and all the other amazing things and in a small way it did hurt my heart and yet thankfully it didn't really - the joy was a blessed covering over it all. However, once the party ended the real work, the real work of getting into the rough part of the break up had to begin. And so I started my steps.

Step 1 - Sweat the bastard out of my pores on a dark dance floor, in the company of safe people. My toes are brutalized but that was absolutely necessary.

Step 2 - Be awkward. I am fully, maybe too much so, okay with making others awkward as I am awkward. I will take a conversation to that point etc and I am happy to be awkward in my love and devotion. I'm also apparently down with making myself terrified for a moment while being that possibly cruel person sitting on the fringes of LG's life (this morning literally in church) and poking every so often is a hey NLLL'er, remember me, I'm not going to fade away, I'm going to make you, when I'm damn ready look at me, know me and know that you didn't break me but that you also were an asshole to me - maybe those words you said will ring in your ears like they do mine. On that note I will likely not continue attending, it took too much work to make him disappear from my line of sight while knowing he could see me. I am happy with being a nagging presence on my own terms, I don't need him getting any stealth cornering moves up and yes if you're wondering I was calculated enough to leave his keys at home. I am handing those back on MY terms

Step 3. Stock up your house-sitting with good soul nurturing food and some bad stuff - help ride the waves AND FLOWERS.

Step 4. Being affirmed in the blessed company of amazing new friends and an old one and have the words of affirmation from a female pastor, reminding me that in my Mennonite and social justice ways I am not a heretic for affirming that we must consider socio-economic (and race) issues in violence/war, birth control/family planning and just shalom. Shit is real peeps, and being a white Canadian middle class educated woman means I don't really know how real the shit is but I'm under so illusion that it smells nice, that's for sure.

Step 5. Go to sleep, knowing that AE (and KAB by proxy) will be present to support and love through the possibly brutal process of handing back the keys.

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

Well Because...

I assume you're wanting a change in topic, someone I am sure has been praying for a change in topic because I have a change in topic.

You prayed for it and it happened - but next time maybe pray a little bigger or maybe for ME because it seems that the guy from eHarmony who was absolutely lovely, wonderful, and I could gush but was also a quad and it just wasn't quite right and then he was moving etc... you know the story. Well he emailed me tonight to tell me he's found an amazing woman and he wants to stay friends. But you know what I'm crazy happy for him and not just because I don't have to figure out that relationship with my shrink in the morning. Like I'm genuinely happy because NLLL it there needs to be far more love going around - good, happy, rich life affirming love and if someone else is getting it in a heavier dose then I am I say YAY, go for it. There is no NLLL reason (unless it is unethical) that I'm going to go bursting anyone's bubbles.

So there you have it - happiness! Yay and I might also be happy because completely random I found a journal publication completely devoted to Feminist Anabaptist Hermeneutic - and yes I did this in the library when I found it (quietly of course), I can follow some library rules, just not the ones about coffee.

with maybe a little of this because I would fan girl over him, I'm not going to lie

Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

EH Update 1

Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.

So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.

So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.

The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.

As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.

"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"

Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.

And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.

So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:

Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward

It's a Mystery

Could someone explain to me why when I am finally convincing myself that I am happy with community and being single that the Douche decides to be friendly never mind another classmate who I do not know well enough is acting continuously friendly past the point I'm comfortable with for single men.*

I want to be friendly. I don't want to be a frosty b*tch, but it seems I cannot figure out how to be friendly without having to worry about any of my single male classmates getting any ideas about how I feel about dating, or dating specifically them. I am happy in my single woman bubble, especially when it comes to matters related to the Douche. Seriously dude I want to go back to you and me awkwardly glaring at each other in the hall rather than discussing how our semester is going and saying good morning like we can relate to each other.

As for the other guy, he's sweet, but I'm positive he's a lot younger than me, though his FB comments seem to put that into question. Though the big issue I have with him is I discovered via FB recon that he's possibly a closet misogynist. Let me explain, he is part of a men's group that has very specific opinions about men and women - such opinions that led me to the following expression when I stumbled upon pictures of his group together from the fall:

So there you have it universe - I would appreciate if you could go back to normal - where men ignore me and I have a sense of peace in these last few weeks of school. While we're at it just extend that behaviour into the next few years while you're at it.

* Have no problem getting chatty with the married men in my classes because I know exactly where they stand and vice versa - boys who are unattached getting chatty always put me on edge unless I know where they stand like Mr. Awkward Date.

If last night was any indication

2013 is going to involve a lot of profanity and drinking. And if this morning is any indication of how my life is going to go in the in between times I am going to need the profanity and the drinking.

Last night I decided to humorously tour a certain dating site I normally cuss at when its syrupy ads come on the tele. I laughed my way through the whole thing and then cringed. All the men who I was suggested with are not what I want. I might try filling it out all over again. But I cannot say I'm sure I want to date again. Sure I would love to have someone and at the same time I feel like the stress of trying to make something work at this point in my life is a greater hassle than all the warm feelings of another's hand in mine.

And oddly enough I get to say that with some bittersweet clarity or determination or stupidity. Your pick, because today I received a message from a friend of Ms. J's. I know him and we've hung out but I wouldn't say we're close friends. He came over with Ms. J for dinner on Saturday night. And maybe it was my (actually not mine but this recipe with some secret changes) pork tacos or my general awesomeness (not really) but when he left I had this gut feeling I had actually be awesome, like flirty, I'm so awesome love me, awesome. But I ignored it, the feeling that is. I really didn't think anything would come of it because said boy is just as, if not more so, wilderness and transient than MW. Apparently not. He called me this afternoon, waking me from my nap wondering if I had been on FB today. No, because sleep was and normally is my priority. He asked me to check it and get back to him. My stomach dropped and my cheeks flushed.

I ran myself a bath. I don't much like baths, but I find that they are good place for deeper yet more direct mental dwelling. After all I have to get out of it with an answer before it gets cold. I didn't and I still don't really know what my answer is. The truth in my heart is I know that while he is loyal, he is like a river, he's always going to be on the move and really more comfortable with that kind of life and a remote version of that life too. It's not the degree of stability I want, the life I want or the relationship I want or even see myself having. And yet as I said to Ms. J am I too old to be getting picky when I know he's kind, gentle, loyal and has a good income. Is that all I need? Is that I get?

Oh dear 2013, I don't know if we can be friends.

The Week That Was...

So my first "real" week of graduate school has passed and I have little to show for it other than the insane mountain of homework I seriously need to get to... but since that is not the point of this week I feel like I should up date you on all the bizarre, quirky and lovely things that are my life.

In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.

Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...

First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects.  BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.

Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings.  HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up.  Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that.  Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him.  Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.

On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates.  I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:



Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that.  RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case.  That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Nuclear Fall Out

A few little words do have a devastating effect.  Sure the conversation was between RB and I but if we're being honest, it was really a conversation/declaration to RB's best friend and his best friend's wife and KAB and AE (Artist Extraordinaire).  So all of a sudden in a student body of maybe 75 on campus at one time, even less in the summer, there is a slow ripple effect of people who are either avoiding each other or witnessing the fall out like AE at lunch today.

Really I'm sure AE isn't the only one, not that I think people watch people as much as I do, but seriously we went from talking pretty regularly, sharing tables at lunch and so on, to sitting at polar opposite ends of chapel, taking different staircases (we only have two so there is limited running room) and for what?  When I ran into RB's bf's wife today in the bathroom she froze.  It's like she didn't know what to do, our friendship had hit the skids along with mine with RB.  It's not suppose to be like that.  Sure I want space but I didn't think we were staging the next Cold War in all it's glory, what happened to a little detente?  We cannot keep running from each other - him out of fear of something and me out of a desire not to have a conversation about it. So I'm going to finish my Hebrew, have a good drink of something strong and Gin in nature and text him and we'll see if we can iron this mess out.  If that fails I might just be singing this later...

I Was Brave/Stupid Today

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how stupid it was that I was going to wait to tell RB that I liked him.  Why did I need to worry about it for a NLLL month when I had bigger fish to fry like Hebrew, and for what?  It's still going to be awkward and at least if I did it sooner, the awkwardness would be over sooner.

So guess what?

I did it this afternoon.  And even better I did it while in the same room and without alcohol.  That sounds like I was amazingly brave, but I was not.  I did it via FB message and I don't think it counts that I did it while sitting 3 cubicles away because I sure as heck ducked out of the library as fast as I could after I hit send.

In case you're curious I did tell him not to respond.  I mean I am operating on the assumption that he's just nice but doesn't actually like-like me and so given that I need absolutely no pithy statement or coddling.   If he likes-likes me and that's a massive IF, then well the ball is in his court. 

HSBFF thinks he should call or do something - quite frankly I've been brave enough for one day I don't need a phone call. 

And yes I know this is a break up song of sorts but lets be frank this is going to be my song for tonight and we're going to be moving upwards from here.

Maybe, just Maybe

I might be too Bitchy McBitcherson for my own good.

I was scanning old posts, trying to figure out where I have been in the last few years and get a little perspective.  Well it seems that while I'm actually a lot funnier and quirkier than this blog demonstrates most days I definitely do not mince words when it comes to menfolk, and that is actually very true to life. The following gems, though almost two years old now definitely still represent how I feel, though my BCBG stilettos have been shelved until they can be re-heeled.

"Personally for me a man who can't initiate is destined to be skinned alive not only on this blog but also by me. Maybe I am jaded, just too many man children running around - you have to test them with a little flame or hook to see what they're made of, or maybe it's like X says, relationships are a dance, an equal give and take partnership, if it's lopsided you fall and someone get's smooshed/crushed in the process. In the end their weakness will result in them finding their way to the bottom side of my soft gray BCBG stiletto pumps."

And last but not least a comment in regards to this post by TOITB:

"We (women) are insane - I think you (X) know that and well the men I have come to know personally definitely push the stupid category (AB, DirectoryBoy, OM and the list goes on). In the end it is about finding someone you think is a tolerable amount of insane, and for me that means I need to find someone that doesn't make me want to self lobotomize myself with a plastic knife. So romantic isn't it?"

Well as we can tell the dating world is going swimmingly and once again I am enjoying the space in my bed and the freedom to go to Starbucks without caring that I don't have any eyeliner on. 

What Have I Done?!!!

I have signed up for an online dating site, 5 years after I shut down my last account.  I must admit that while a lot has happened in my life in the last 5 years, it seems that not a lot has happened in the online dating world.  I am still over educated and fishing around in a pool of men who seem to seriously undervalue the importance of a capitalized "I."  It will be good for laughs with JS and my roommate, but I seriously doubt that anything will come of it. But I will let you know.

So in light of this whole profile business I must post this which seems to be the story of my life these days.  Not me sleeping around, but I've sort of, shall we say marginally, come to accept that I am going to be the "slut" of the school.  Personally I hate the word, I wouldn't use it on anyone, but it seem in my very conservative school that because I'm a woman with breasts who does occasionally have cleavage or my shoulders bar that I'm scandalous.  Even further to that scandal I'm a feminist who uses birth control which according to a very interesting but ultimately sad  conversation with DirectoryBoy, who if you remember is a medical doctor, birth control is only for promiscuous women.  Yes you heard me.  I guess I haven't been using mine to its full potential.

Primarily because I love this site: http://editorrealtalk.tumblr.com/

Not all Date Failures are Real Failures

I was joking with MW today on FB that our friendship is the result of a failed blind date we had in 2007.  More so we had no chemistry, maybe even subzero chemistry.  And maybe that was a good thing.  I was a girl with big wounds I was ignoring and if MW and I had even remotely close to the banter we sometimes get to these days I'd have imploded that relationship and possibly not addressed my real issues in the same process.

But now?

Well I recovered from the initial hurt of rejection, I did think he was funny and cute despite the chemistry issue, I was prepared to role with things.  Hey I was young, I had yet to understand how important chemistry is. And now? Now we're pretty good friends.  I could and would say that I love the guy, not in love with, but I think really really highly of him.  Yes we have continuous cheeky banter that goes back and forth that might make some of my girlfriends eye brows raise, but I will say none of that happened while I was with X (he's a gentleman like that even if he has no intentions) and I think we both know that we would probably die of laughter before actually doing anything remotely romantic if we met up again.  Honestly that is what I like, he's safe in all the good ways - makes me laugh, kind heart and a good listener.

So, I know what you're saying - sounds like most if not all the ingredients for a relationship.  Well he and I are different souls, he's a wanderer and I like roots (As Ms J, X and HSBFF will attest I do not travel well - I'm like a banana), he's a wilderness man and I love the city - I need noise, and not the noise of chickens kind of noise.  That being said, it has made me ponder today this:

As important as chemistry is, when is the need for companionship and procreation a stronger push.

I guess what I am trying to suss out is MW and X would make great dads and partners.  Both are by no means perfect for me, X is definitely more so, but regardless, is this the time to find the best partner and future father for my children and put aside the need for steam in the bedroom?

And I will add that as MW has pointed out there is a difference between passion and chemistry, or is there?

This does not necessarily relate but I love Annie Lennox and the Fray and together well it's perfect

Living on the Other Side of the Line

For all intensive purposes I am currently living below the poverty line.  I knew I would be when I started graduate school.  I knew that things would be tight, at times very tight.  I did not expect that they would be this tight.  I had to contact my church this week to ask for help - after almost two months of wrestling with the idea, knowing that despite how ridiculously tight things are right now, that there are always those who need more than I do.  I have a home right?  I have heat (well sort of - my landlord is stingy in that regard), I have some resemblance of health and more importantly I'm the only mouth to feed. Well in asking for help I'm realizing how socially shameful it is to be on this side of the line - regardless of how you get here. There are strings, lots of strings, and questions and judgements.  All I conceptually understand are well meaning, but they hurt.  They hurt a lot. They imply - they imply that I should have known better.

I guess this is also me venting at God too - I know I try to keep my faith out of this blog - but I guess in all this hurt, is the question of where is the provision? And if this is the provision why does it hurt, why does it come with shame and guilt attached to it?  Isn't that counter to everything that is who you are?  Funny somewhere in this I know there is an answer - just feels beyond reach at the moment.

This is not a hand out moment but may be a moment to remember that when you judge a person on the other side of that poverty line - the world on this side is full of enough hardship without that and for better or worse I now know that first hand.

Sweet Mother of Baby Jebus

Directory Boy it turns out is my Mr. Perfect on Paper in flesh.  Now before y'all get upset - let me explain. Back in high school and well my undergrad - I had this mental list of MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT (squeeee!!) - the man of my dreams if I could assemble him, who quite frankly for everyone's sake, especially mine, should never become flesh.  Last night I found out that Directory Boy was/is my list man - kind of makes him unattractive now.

Hold up! Say what?!

Well here is the thing - aside from the apparent sureness of him being off the market - I don't know if I can wrap my brain around there being that person - because it comes with baggage.  The kind labelled with false expectations.  All the perfect ginger doctor hair in the world will never actually be perfect.   I am aware this all sort of sounds like a mash up of bipolar and pessimistic rantings - but such as they are - it is not to say that when I went to sleep last night I wasn't giggling.  I was, about how this is not what I expected - kind of funny wishing you could have a chat with your younger self and wondering if the list could have been longer or weirder just to avoid this moment - who would have thought -MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT wouldn't be so perfect in reality. 

Love Love LOVE

I am in love with Florence and the Machine, truthfully completely captivated by her voice, her movements, her art as a whole. I couldn't get enough of her (and Lady Antebellum) while I travelled this past week - this song though is not on her amazing cd - so I feel that I need to share it.  I know it is a cover, but sometimes the reinterpretations are better - this is one of those cases.