Oh DUDE, Seriously!

So I thought we had a sane-ish discussion about the state of the relationship - it even ended with a hug and at 8pm I received a text asking if I had stolen anything else from his place. 

WTF was my first reaction. 

My second was, WTF. Turns out this is all about the Jesus Feminist book I gave him to read with the intention I would read it but more to the point, he spent the relationship complaining about the fact I see myself as a feminist. So why the hell would you want it, right? Apparently he did and he thought that I would have taken other belongings, yet if you look around your place dude I left everything I didn't have to take - food, coffee, mug etc all got left. I don't need them, don't want them. The Narnia series he read to me was only awesome because he read them to me. Why would I want them know. And for the record we know I claimed it last Thursday - dude it's been 5 days.

And he's refusing to talk to me on the phone, has now blocked me on FB and you know what I am fine with that. I want peace, and in every relationship that has ended, except with my first ex who also happened to be a lawyer, I have found a way to be civil if not supportive. X and I are amazing in our friendship support but I have no expectations every man can be like that.  I would like us to be civil given that our lives will intersect and if I become a pastor in Vancouver, in any capacity I don't desire having a bitter ex-boyfriend possibly poisoning the waters given that as a woman there is already fertile ground for skepticism. 

I know I cannot make things civil but I can do my best to be gracious, to try and in the process of not stomping on my heart, being vulnerable and peace-making, he's just making it brutally hard in all the back and forth.

Well Victoria...

Victoria mentioned yesterday that she feels that in dating there is not enough honesty regarding the fear.  Today she furthered this idea of the fear as:

"And I'm not just talking about the big fears, I'm talking about the littler ones, the going on a date ones, the meeting someone for the first time ones, the what if it's awful, how do I politely escape ones, the what if there's that awkward, dead silence fears. I've had them and done it anyway."

So here it is V, I am scared. I have my fears. I have my moments that cause my stomach to churn. I even had a moment like that this week as X can attest to and it made me feel horrible and I know it hurt him too. I also have big fears - like will I ever feel ready to be married - I am not referencing this in regards to X.  Just after CEF the whole fairytale, run off into the sunset and get married and live happily ever after business does not exist.  It doesn't mean I don't want it to happen, it's just hard when that little voice of doubt has a tendency to creep into the picture.

The issue is whether or not the fear stops the forward growth - I sure hope it does not.

Cristina/Owen I think are the best example that comes to mind when you despite your scars and your fears try to press through and find love

Must Be Married by 2012?

Well according to CW I need to do everything I can to ensure I'll be hitched in 2012 because that's the last good year to get married in for a while.  Apparently 2013 is bad luck, there is no love in or for 2014 and who really wants to be married in 2015, I don't know - more I don't know the future to say for sure who will or will not be.

Now you're likely laughing and shaking your head as we did today at lunch over our bowls of Vietnamese food - trying our hardest not to project noodles through our noses - while CW broke down her reasons why.  Now I will not fault her for having this, in her mind well thought out, because after all she has been desperate for a ring for almost a year now and if she's going to see one before 2018 she's got to bring her A game - hard, fast and relentless in her mind.

So you still think she's crazy, A game or not - well let me give you an example of this girl's mind bending skill.  After snorting on one of my noodles, she turned to me and put it this way:

If it's not next year (apparently she's found someone for me or has her eye on someone more to the point) then it HAS to be (her emphasis) 2014, because Lord have mercy I get married in 2013 - all the bad juju and such like (funny I thought it was the people getting married and not luck that determined success of a marriage...), then by her calculations it would be 2016 before I would have my first child and that my friends would make me 3_. She kind of scared me with that number, I will fully admit that. 

So CW managed to scare me - why on Earth I let her I have no idea.  I've been there done that in the whole planning a wedding business and I know that it is all a complete waste if you are not completely head over stilettos for the person. So be it 2013 or some other prime or socially unfortunate number, when that day comes it comes.

Photo: http://www.etsy.com/listing/53362958/wedding-gown-julietta

Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Sadness, Joy and Quirkiness

I survived the full moon with minor patient issues, but Friday evening as I waited for a bus out of the downtown a runner with a swag bag (pre race goodie bag with your race shirt etc) ran past me.  It hit me like the wall, it was marathon weekend.  It was the first race I had planned to run this year and it was the first I had to cancel.  It hurt.  I blinked back tears.  Then I waited another 20 minutes waiting for a bus trying to shove that feeling of the bliss of crossing the finish line to the fringes of my mind.  Sunday was just as hard as I saw many with their medals.  I wanted to congratulate all of them and at the same time try to get that feeling again.  It is an addiction, it's an accomplishment that feels worthy of the effort.  After years of school being the measure of my work ethic and success there is something so primal for lack of a better word about the nature of running.

I did have the joy this weekend of seeing the pictures of a dear friend, who I've actually never met in person, get married.  MB and I met on a dating site for people of our ethnic/religious background and we instantly bonded over literature - retro science fiction to be exact.  We wrote long, long emails for a few months and then our lives changed slowly, the emails slowed.  But we have in fits and spurts done the same long long writing and then stopped.  He is someone I am so truly happy for, that he has found someone who seems to have made him blossom.  It's interesting, I think you get to this point in life where while it's not easy to see people get married and by society's standards "grow up" on the other hand you get the immense joy of seeing that they did find that one person for them.

FB a few weeks ago suggested that I add DB's mother to my friends.  So I did.  And she reciprocated.  I joked to Ms. J that step 1 is complete.  Well now for step 2... kutzpah is not my friend, but seeing as I have recently made peace with gin and tequila, I feel like what the hell.  I am going to make an attempt to plan an event where DB would show... well maybe when the playoff are over. What is said event?  Well a hint, it is a game we play to the death around these parts - or more so to the ocean dumping... or see the photo...

Photo

I Think I Just

well you don't really want to know what happened when I saw the picture below of an acquaintance's blog *goosebumps, shivers and etc*

Of course they didn't source it, so I'm going to have to search for how it was done because it appears that the spines remained unaltered - how my dear would you do that then, search for coloured spines of your favorite books... they don't really make those, when they do they are normally hard covered books...

PS the whole set up actually makes me extraordinarily happy, white is luxury and the color is well, I'm speechless at the beauty and the BOOKS, oh the books.

PPS - FOUND IT

PPPS - I found this lovely man's music - oh loveliness.

It's No Secret

I love NYC. Actually I have loved many other cities in my life - Moscow, St Petersburg being two others. Sure Philadelphia was nice and I would visit, but well I could live in NYC. Oddly enough I didn't really think about that until I started looking at graduate schools and looking at Ms. J's photos of us out and about in New York... Cornell though out of my league is my first choice - I dream like that - they have an amazing creative writing program where I can learn the value of then vs than, and the art of the semi colon, comma and well just all the fundamental principles of grammar so I can knowingly throw it all out the window. I have books I want to write - books about fairytales gone wrong and growing up, if we ever really do or can. And all that wonderfulness, but in all honesty I'm typing right now because my hives are getting worse and there is nothing I can do. I heart my dysfunctional body that refuses to follow convention. Convention would have a reason for my hives and convention would allow allergy medications to work. Alas it is not the case...



I love the song, and the city too...