The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

Losing My NLLL

Here's the deal I came to this eHarmony business with zero desire for it to be successful if I'm going to be truthful.

So maybe that's why this whole thing has shaken me - maybe it's because if I'm honest, I'm beyond scared of the idea of committing and having babies - more of making the wrong decision.

Hell I didn't really dodge the bullet with CEF, I just managed to get out of it without major injuries.

Each day I try to step closer to the idea of dating someone I realize just how deep those wounds were and how insecure I am with all this - I would love to say I've got my NLLL together. The fact that I don't know what is going on Friday (other than the theatre) - yes no messages since Sunday and no texts and that I'm letting him do some wooing or all my life choices aren't pressing in on me but they are.

So what do I do - well I tell you about them, so I can laugh about the awkward first date bullet dodged of the handshake, hug or kiss dynamic and so I can share my crazy and then I listen to this which is the antithesis of who I'd ever want to be in this dating dynamic but somehow listening to this makes me feel a little better about everything.

Chemistry

Chemistry is a funny thing - you think you have it and you don't or you don't expect it and it shows up in the weirdest places.

Chemistry used to baffle me - not the science - that I was completely down with.  When I look back at the men in my life I find that interpersonal chemistry is nothing like the science.  You cannot combine two elements which you know should react and think you'll get a reaction - Sodium and Water do not a reaction make when it is people we are talking about and inert gases are apparently no longer stable.

I remember this clearly after my date with MW - he said quite plainly - he didn't feel a spark.  If I had been honest nor did I.  But the suggestion that a spark was more important than getting to know me hurt.  I've come to realize that is not what he meant at all.

I had no chemistry with CEF - one more freaking thing that was wrong, so very wrong with that relationship.  But moving on.  I had sexual chemistry with BI to the likes I don't know if there will be again - but we were not by any means meant to be.  I didn't have chemistry with OM, BV or a whole lot of the others until AB.  That threw me for a loop. I remember standing at Miss 60's party and wanting to pinch myself - wondering what was going on - there was something about him - something I hadn't known in my life.  Oddly I had that this past week and it reminded me that as much as I have had my stuck moments with AB - that there are others out there that will make me feel like it just fits, like it is someone who I could talk with for hours etc.  Which is why I just keep plodding on, chemistry can happen in surprising places, maybe it is like inorganic chemistry - you just have to keep mixing until you discover something new and beautiful - like a cobalt compound (cobalt chromium blue).