Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dear Children (aka Undergraduates)

Okay, little children I am aware that there really is only about a decade difference in age - but somehow in the last decade I've learned some information you've yet to learn, so let me pass it on to you.

Clothes are a wonderful thing.  Yes I am aware American Apparel has spent the better part of your teen years convincing you that you can really walk around in public like you do.  See the thing is they are selling soft core porn with the benefit of airbrushing.  You, however, live in a northern country not a magazine advertisement.  So could you please consider for the sake of humanity and yourself consider that the following are not wise choices.

No nipples:  I do not need to see yours - I am not talking about what can happen when we're cold - no I mean like I do not need to see the size and color of your nipples.  So this unfortunately means you need to consider a bra.  Yes I know being liberal and educated means no bra in your mind.  Maybe in the 70's this was the correct assumption - this however is no longer a correlated relationship.

This goes for the men too - good gracious and in hopes of all things holy you should never ever EVER wear a chiffon black button up shirt.  And this definitely should not be paired with an epically shoulder padded blazer.

No Hooker Socks:  These are hooker socks. I am aware that Toddlers and Tiaras thinks that bringing Pretty Woman back is a good idea.   I don't think so.  Why?  Because it seems to let you think in the middle of a freezing cold day that you can wear hot pants and hooker socks and that they somehow equal pants.  They don't.  Just put them and the hot pants away for so many reasons I need not explain.

No Tights as Pants:  Tights are NOT pants.  I know there is a delusion that they are - you want to know why they are not.  They stretch.  That means when you bent over in the bus this morning we saw the pattern on your knickers.  For reals.  Also, they get into places no pants would ever enter - to clarify in case you cannot figure this one out.  For the sake of your lady bits do not wear tights - that area is designed to be free of fabric.   No one, not even your partner or your gyne needs to see your camel toe.  There, you happy, I said it.

No Summer Clothes:  I know we get a very short summer and we all think that if we just ignore the rain and the wind that it will be fine.  But seriously I don't want to see your blue toes in muddy flip flops or you squeezed into a romper that would have been questionable on you in your adolescence.

Y'all sweet children are in university now which does not mean that it is time to leave your brain at home and whore yourselves out.  Yes I know you will have classmates who believe that whoring is the way to a good or at least an easy grade.  I hope you also know that universities are worse than high schools for gossip because the professors and TA's do not have to worry about any legal issues in talking about you.  You are no longer a minor.  That means when you have your ass hanging out in that chemistry lab in an attempt to shag a TA someone will find out, or a whole lot of someones.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Another One Bites the Dust

OM got married this weekend.  I'm not going to dwell on my feelings of creepiness at the whole affair and rather just say I'm thankful I didn't once again lose my head and that have been me and more likely, have been invited to the wedding.  I think it's only appropriate that all women who might have dated the groom, or even been awkwardly hugged by him in his unfortunate mom jeans should not be invited to his nuptials.

I cannot say I wasn't a little stung at being still single - don't we all want to get down the isle before someone who snubbed us - especially when there was no damn good reason to be snubbed other than well... I digress, no discussion of creepiness.

I have found myself trying to accept the men around me as fine if they are messy.  I know that sounds weird and let it not be construed as I am caving in desperation.  There is no caving and there is no desperation.  I am just realizing though some may definitely be certifiable, that I need to just deal with their presence in my classes or social circles.  Now that being said, let no single man get any ideas that I have any more pity dates to hand out - BV used my life long allotment.  And really even if for some reason I wanted to do say get out for a evening I would much much rather a night with JS or Ms. J or hell any other woman in my life right now - plus it's almost hockey season - I get all the men I want that way - at a distance, hot and sweaty, playing my favorite sport!

Now for an unrelated song recommendation from X - all about my FAVORITE thing in this world:

Thursday, September 15, 2011

One Week Down...


This week had left me last night in the fetal positioning, crying.  Well they did warn us it would be difficult and I as usual committed a personal crime by under estimating the initial energy output and not preparing regardless. I had a huge list of little and big things to do this week - like buying a printer and hauling it home on the one day this week I decided to wear heels.  I thankfully managed to get it set up with very little stress.  However, this purchase brought into focus the fact that my student loan had yet to come through.  So that got me thinking - when should it come in? So I Googled and found conflicting answers - all indicating that I should have had my money already - so I started calling - waited 20 minutes with one number to be given another number to call them and then at 8pm I was cut off even though I was on hold.  Yes I know that is the end of your business hours but how about you don't take calls after that time rather then dumping those on hold.  So I emailed them and found out that it wouldn't have mattered I needed to call Ottawa... geez.  I managed after a whole bunch of craziness and multiple calls to get someone in Ottawa - and I am getting my monies - just going to take a while. *SIGH*

But really all that does not compare to the mind busting-ness that graduate school has been thus far.  But you know what I can survive that - I however, cannot abide the pretentious asshats that are coming out of the woodwork left and right and well up and down too.  Seriously men folk we went over this last week in the protocol discussion, you don't ask asshat like questions.  You DO NOT offer a 10 minute personal treatise on a subject and then ask a broad non-direct pseudo question just because you wanted to either hear your own voice in a microphone or two try and sound smart to your professor.  Neither are good reasons, trust me.  Instead we giggle and roll our eyes and pray that the professor puts you in your place - as most did in the gentlest of ways.  I however am not one for coddling fools and this is going to be interesting in time... very interesting.

So this once again reminds me to send a little post card to all the little old ladies who swore up and down I would be married after the first semester if I was single - if that is the case I would have been married before I got here.  Why? Because I would have married CEF or the next tool available.  Don't get me wrong there are nice, polite guys - they're just either married or too young or too old or that and married...

Off to bed - I need sleep so badly I worry it may have lost me and it will be a night like the others this week.

PS.  This is not for X - He is fabulous - but rather for all the crazy dipshits that I'm dealing with these days.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Oh Really?!

I promised Just Sayin' I would get my ass back into the blogging world - so here I am y'all.  I start school for reals (thus ending the last time I can use that phrase) tomorrow.  But before we get there I would like to address something.

In the months leading up to school I had dozens tell me that school would be equal to a field full of 4 leaf clovers with unicorns frolicking through double rainbows for men.  Basically in a world full of almost substandard men that I would find intelligent, suave, intriguing men - X clones but "so much better."  I wish I could bring all those people to campus with me.  I don't know what they were all sniffing but seriously folks - they're all married and those aren't - well aren't because well natural selection is still in play.  Case in point.  The second day of orientation at coffee break I found myself next to a second year student taking advantage of the free food.  We started to "talk" - I wouldn't call it easy for him, but whatever there were words coming from his mouth.

Dude: What program are you in?
Me: MCS Interdisciplinary
Dude: Oh, so you're in the choose your own program (scoff)
Me: You?
Dude: MDiv (pause) I need to go.

Now I know it is hard to convey his tone.  Yes I am in the flakiest of the programs - I am also in one of the most difficult ones since I have to chart my own course - I have to have a vision of what I want to do from the start and start digging it out on my own because no one in the concentration will have the same end result.  But really that is not the point - I for some bizarre reason thought that in a school with 50/50 gender representation that the men would be more liberal for lack of a better word.  But I guess while there is a world of men looking for their perfect piano playing, long skirt wearing submissive pastor's wife there is a world of men looking for their MDiv counterpart.  Yes dear while I'm bouncing children off my hip we're going to discuss the nuances of Ancient Greek translation.

I was seriously taken aback at the reality that I will not be accepted as an equal as X has done. I guess it's a good thing that I still have all my feminist texts at the ready...

PS I miss X - I really miss him.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011


I started school today, I quit work on Friday and X and I are no longer a couple.  And I all I want in all this change is him.  He is an amazing, sweet, smart, handsome, talented, funny and gentle yet strong man.  A man I am crazy about and I know I will always be to some extent or another - there aren't a lot of great men in this world.  He even bought me amazing jewelry I will cherish with no hints whatsoever. So why?  Why didn't I jump on the next plane?  I cannot bend time and space - we are in different time zones, different countries and different life journeys and we could go on living with 5 minutes of bbm and the occasional Skype date as the glue, but the glue I really need more than anything is knowing in the nights I have anxiety and nigh terrors that I can cling to him and not my cold blackberry.  If I could have I would have bent everything imaginable for this man - but maybe for us that just isn't enough.

They are right - I just wish I could have held on longer.