Sunday, January 31, 2010
See here's the inside track on my life - I have one degree completed and another almost complete and those are incredibly long stories in and of themselves. Needless to say I realized over the Christmas holiday that I have some dreams I need to pursue to their end - whether anything becomes of them or not. Graduate school - primarily a PhD is the very end goal. I have a plan and I have a game plan to get Ms. J to come with me, in theory. She wants her PhD too, just in a completely different program, and being that we are compatible studiers I figure why not press each other onto our respective goals... so this year includes quitting work - and I've ALWAYS worked since I was 15. Going to school full time (20 credits left and one audited English class), writing the GRE which if it is anything like the MCAT I might just shoot myself, and last but not least apply for the top 7 of my area American schools and 3 Canadian schools, the UNPeace school, and two non-profit related MBA type programs. Now why you might ask, well I don't want to waste a year, I want options and I know that while the later aren't my first choice I do still find those areas fascinating and I know I need to be practical...
So will there be boys on the agenda. This is S&P we are discussing, there will ALWAYS be boys on the agenda, question is if it's just about the looking or more.
Tonight's music selection from An Education, an amazing beautiful movie and Duffy is fabulous, see her in concert if you can.
Friday, January 29, 2010
AB: Do we really need to update him - He was my first, he is the PeterPan Syndrome poster child.
AL: Habitual cheater and AB's competition in the "It Never Should Happen in Hell, but Maybe on this Earth" games
BB: Once my source for free Vanilla Soy Americano Misto's and a good shudder/cringe
BI: Occasional commenter here, true friend and someone I miss chatting with
BV: Frigid and conversation shy and source of my longest and most depressing date, minus seeing the Hangover together - he cringed and I laughed.
CEF: The reason I have changed most things in my life for the better, like my hair colour
Date: Still the all the forms of possible dates - friend, pseudo or the real thing
DB: Still elusive and I haven't decided how much a chase should go into this case - it would require a serious effort
IT: Still trying to reduce these
MW: Source of unwanted sexting - not going to even provide him with possibly construed as having a subtext conversations - as CW says - a duck is just a duck, and a goose is a goose, and duck duck goose is just a game.
NLLL: Still ever expanding
NN: Also could go by Never Notever... Nice No complaints guy though
OM: Source of many snickers for Ms. J and I from the unfortunate jeans, his closetness etc
So there you go - no options - though CW has proposed a set up with her beau's friend, so we will see what the future holds... for the immediate future this weekend involves vodka, a trip to Sephora and some totally awesome menu planning/Whole Foods shopping.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
1. AB and I had the talk - the I really like you but I'm happy single talk (First weekend of September folks)
2. Next week was the annual booze fest at AB and roommates place - I attended being the "adult," showed up 4 hours earlier on a sweltering Saturday - homemade mango black bean salsa in hand. We watched Lost and started drinking - gin and tonic, safe... all platonic at this point.
3. Two gin and tonics later AL shows up with Patron in hand and the X's and O's shot glasses come out - two down the hatch followed by another gin and tonic which I nurse (two more shots later on). At this point platonic goes out the window and the odd body part stops respecting personal space, a finger along a wrist, and foot up the back of a leg etc. This continues on for the next 4 hours. AB kept drinking - AL seeing I wasn't up for another gin and tonic so he gets me juice and keeps it coming all while staying by my side - blocking AB and being handsy all the while. I don't like handsy - especially not touching my hair... anyways AL offers to drive me home. I'm thinking well it's a ride home and not a cab on a hot evening...
4. At the door as I hug AB night night, he oh so smoothly says have you seen the terrace (look you know I haven't why ask?) - AL interjects I have and works to hustle me out. I being blonde in another life say No, and get whisked minus AL to the terrace. Talking leads to me crying then laughing then um ya, let's just say things might have gone from zero to wherever if AL wasn't texting AB and I had another location option other than the gym room lockers to be propped against - just saying. So we collected ourselves and so on and so forth - fast forward to me going on a date with AL three weeks later as BR was moving in. Date was interesting
5. Interesting = Habitual Cheater confession. REALLY, oh they sure know how to pick me.
So there we have it AL is back, offering to take care of my sick ass - because he knows AB is out of the picture. And you know what? It ain't happening - I know I'm his perfect fetish and it ain't freaking happening. Why?
Honestly aside from the cheating thing and why the hell is there even an aside to that, I don't know, it's the two year dating minimum prior to engagement he has. Um I'm getting old - so if I date you for two years, engaged for a year at best, that's three freaking years of my life. Bless you but I want kids IN wedlock and NOT out of it, so no. I am not giving you three years of my eggs lives if I have a say in it. At this point in the game a back up reason as solid as that is really good reason to keep the handsy hands off of me. Though he can cook...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
He gave me free Sbucks every morning... now I am in many ways a practical girl, at nearly 5 dollars a pop - that is 25/week I could smile, flirt, do whatever in platonic terms it took to get my Grande Soy Earl Grey Tea latte. Or so I thought. See the problem was he was like a 14 year old girl in love and I the unsuspecting 19 year old guy. The bigger problem was the back hugs. Back hugs are not mutual. If you hug me from behind, I am not participating, simple as that. I would cringe and normally facing the barista behind the bar, they would see the pained look on my face that I never tried to hide. I stopped going. There is no way on God's green Earth that I am that desperate.
He texted on New Years - a really really cringe worthy text. So... this week when I got desperate enough for tea and short enough on change that I really really wanted a freebie, I was shocked when I got the cold shoulder. No note on my cup, no back hug, no hi, no nothing, not even a free latte. So this would be where Ms. J would stop laughing and say this is a good thing. I am sure it is but I want a free latte. So I guess in the end I need to whore myself out to someone else, boo.
Now just in case you are wondering - I have done it before, and I will do it again - Sbucks owes me as I have single handily put at least one barista through university if not two.
Continuing on my love of SYTYCD - and someone else other than BB, take note of Ms. Stone's request and get on it.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Maybe I'm from the frozen north, maybe I'm not, but I have to say this man makes me keel over in laughter every time I watch him and that I believe is one of if not the most important things in a marriage, unlike maybe say the ability to do my taxes. I could be wrong, I am still single after all.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
So because I'm of two minds, or maybe because I did love the boy for some unknown horribly complex reason, a feeling I swear some days I want to drink away, I still think of him often. This song reminds me of that/this feeling, but it's also just plain beautiful.
We all have skeletons - this one happens to be a 6ft plus skeleton of CEF... Now I will say that my main reason never to talk about him is well it's a small world and the last thing I need is in this small world to have him find me under a new open frequency - the rest have been closed to the best of my ability - so I will say if for some bizarre reason the story resonates - you think you know him - please keep it our little secret - it avoid me filing that restraining order I'd been meaning to do and shutting down this blog like the last one and other events that would follow.
Okay on to more happy talk, or something like that - actually you may like I am going to, go get a mug of Baileys with coffee added or something appropriate to make this go down a little cheery.
I don't limit my sharing to the blog, no I am one with little self censorship - with the life I've had to this point and more importantly the jobs I have had - it's meh seen it all, what's the point in candy coating it. That however does not work for the whole get to know you process. I have found that dates don't mind some aspects, however the flashing sign a mile high saying RUN, is the fact that I was once engaged.
I have taken that fear to mean:
1. I was/could be now ready for big commitment which I guess could be intimidating for some, though if you're not and 29-35 I guess it's a good thing I know that now and not say 6 months from now when you pull out some closet Peter Pan like shit.
2. I was either dumped therefore permanently scared or possibly a little off (which I am anyways - we all are, just saying) and or I did the dumping and thus can be a cruel heartless bitch.
I can. I was. And note I will be if the need presents itself again. I dumped my abusive, controlling, seriously missing a few marbles fiance on his manipulating sloth like ass. It was brutal. My people pleasing self felt like a bitch greater than Janice Dickinson, and sure it crushed me. BUT I will never apologize for it - because if someone is expecting me to apologize then well they would be implying:
1. I had the foresight to see that once I got engaged that CEF wouldn't become the controlling nutbar he became
2. I should have gone along with it - got married, moved half way across the Northern Hemisphere to become his mother/shrink/pet/victim and ultimately party to the lie he built for the world to see.
So that was long and a little interesting and maybe or most likely made you feel like Googling pictures of puppies. I know that the dating world is cruel and vulnerability is a harsh thing - but the point to all this sharing is - in bullet points again.
1. I will say that it gets better - that's why I blog - though it's not a witness to the getting the better part, oddly the opposite.
2.For me and everyone else dating, remember that it's a messy process but do you do to remain vulnerable, laugh and keep your head up - we're all in this together. That means none of you get to find someone before I do....
My solutions: I bitch, laugh, run and became the girl with a bottle of vodka in her freezer at ALL times, because we know that it is always my friend - gin and tequila are not.
January 24, 2010 8:52 AM
Saturday, January 23, 2010
What pray tell?
Out. Like a date, a date date.
Oh?(Well being shy can be cute, sweet, honest, sincere - it is also a red flag) so let me do it.
As we know from history OM went up in a closet case colored cloud of calamity - alliteration aside, the fatal error or truth telling moment of our interaction was that I was the one who came up with the witty email and tried to charm him in a way far beyond a certain blue dress or eyelash batting (does anyone do that these days?). Personally for me a man who can't initiate is destined to be skinned alive not only on this blog but also by me. Maybe I am jaded, just too many man children running around - you have to test them with a little flame or hook to see what they're made of, or maybe it's like X says. Relationships are a dance, an equal give and take partnership, if it's lopsided you fall and someone get's smooshed/crushed in the process. In the end your weakness will find their way to the bottom side of my soft gray BCBG stiletto pumps if you can't man up.
Now now let's let my softer side speak for a moment. The issue is quite simply two things - if I'm not worth a little discomfort now in your life then you aren't really interested (my opinion) and because I'm a strong personality - if I know you're intimidated by me, I'm like a shark I can smell fear, and then well you're done for.
So what then, well be friendly, sincere and avoid eyeing me up or at least do it discreetly initially, get to know me and then use the email I've linked or just ask me for coffee - one can never be too caffeinated - and when I'm caffeinated - I'm a happy person who yaps endlessly - you'd only have to show up for the date - really quite simple.
Flowers work too.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Man Children - they are everywhere and they come in various forms - Reformed, Relapsed and Permanent Peter Pan.
Reformed cases can be diagnosed as having/being the following: BI is a living example of this category - he has embraced responsibility while understanding that you can still enjoy youthful activities - these men make good calming partners and safe havens for dysfunctional Type A's who need to have the pole from their ass removed... or just somewhere to feel safe and decompress.
A former Peter Pan case, who shed the permachild syndrome by embracing some of the following:
Commitment to a job and/or a partner
Timely bill payments
Ownership of either or both a car and residence
Maintenance of said car and or residence
Grocery shopping/cooking for oneself
Producing offspring in a responsible way, i.e. not like Little Wayne or whatever he calls himself
Relapse Cases can be diagnosed as having the following:
Achieved the above, but somewhere in the process they snap - they decide that the world is a scary place and the Lost Boys are where they would rather spend their time. These men normally end up 35, divorced, late on child support and wondering why the world is so cruel. Suck it up buttercup, you left the nest no going back is my view... Yes some of these cases are those who end up being coerced into commitment, but for the most part they are just weak, just saying.
Sooo, that leaves us with the Peter Pan's of this world - and AB is going to serve as our example.
Peter Pan's are a sticky business...
In AB's case, he has a part time job that apparently pays the bills for his apartment/phone/utilities and more importantly his drinking. Said part time job allows for plenty of free time to spend on his art - a graphic comic book of sorts - which I will say had amazing art - he does have two art college degrees... anyways
The remainder of his time is spent socializing - partying w/alcohol is a regular past time, about as regular as his trashy female friends namely a certain cheating ex. Oddly enough his guy friends aren't an issue, sure they're young but for 25ish most of them have their shit together. And while he says he would like commitment and children and all that...that isn't the real issue. The real issue is AB like other Peter Pan's are a safe place - they are the best guy friend who makes you laugh, can cook, remember important events and basically make you think all those happy thoughts that make you fly - then they drop you on your ass when you need them most, like say standing in a pharmacy buying Plan B at 7am on a Friday, when he decides to go cold. Bless him, I loved him - but I'm looking for my reformed case and he won't be one of those in this lifetime.
A similar subject video - we need a little music around here...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Check it out: Badder Homes and Gardens
I still can't really breathe and my body doesn't want to let me sleep, go figure. So I get to blog.
Now, I am going to divulge some information, so that if you were a really good stalker you can find me weekly... note if you do find me one of these times, make sure I've completed all my coffee first - it ensures I'll be nice to you and even if I'm not that the coffee won't end up on you...
I have a weekly date with my father at the local high end/organic grocery store/chain - we have coffee, I talk about my life and we swap recipes etc - it's an odd relationship no doubt. It was already odd enough, this week I added whispered yelling as my voice trying to hold in there and he added so how are you and AB? Oh bless your soul dear parental unit. So I had to tell him that AB is fine. But AB is a man child, an epidemic sweeping this nation great in size and a love for a particular sport, but while I may love him, and he in a drunken text may have claimed the same... I am putting my life on hold while he figures out if at 31 he's ready to shed his Peter Pan like ways.* So I left out the drunk text, the pseudo dating and as a whole glossed AB into a neat bundle in an attempt to reassure him that no more CEF like characters would be entering the picture and that maybe, just maybe one day I can meet a normal boy er man. Though as I learned in my blog surfing this morning, "who needs romance when you can have complication" that is sort of my mantra these days, though I don't know if it should be.
*Oddly enough he was Peter Pan's shadow for Halloween...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
1. Malaise/Tired - when am I not these days
2. Sudden onset of productive cough
3. Followed shortly with raw through, not swollen glands sore throat, like holy hell you can't pay me to cough sore throat.
4. Sore throat up to the back of my sinus cavity sore, and ear ache with each cough - not ear infection ear ache.
By Day 2-3
6. No voice, no energy, fever
7. Sinuses are fully involved
We are at Day 4 after having my ass in bed all weekend drinking lots of cough medicine and liquids, and reading through the entire Twilight saga again... and getting worse.
Long and short in a period of 3 days I go from marathoner to sounding like emphysema patient and feeling like someone took sandpaper to the entire inside of my upper respiratory tract.
So that there folks will be my blogging for a while, I'm taking sick leave. Yay me
Thursday, January 14, 2010
On an equally cheery note my stress has resulted in a cough and sore throat, fatigue and yay me an inability to sleep except on the train. I can sleep there no problem...
N and I were discussing where to now, as the young ones get married and we are still trying to find anything of substance. In a world that still believes there is truth in the Bachelor we are finding the search frustrating. I'm stuck on DB in a bizarre way and I can't figure out what if anything to do with that. The only men that ever seem to look at me these days are after my runs when I look a fright - and I wonder if they are staring at the wetness of my clothes rather than me... I could go the route of having my dad arrange dates, culturally that wouldn't be too far off (arranged marriage is an accepted though rarely used in North America custom - in the Mother land it was common)...
So instead of trying to solve world peace, the singleness epidemic or why people actually are shocked about an affair on the Bachelor when that's what he's doing himself is it not? I am going to go leave my blessed office and head home to something - not quite sure what, maybe a bowl of cereal?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Now most days, like 86% percent of the year I am fine with being single, dating and whatever - but right at this exact moment I'm oddly not. See here's the problem - Facebook has been inundated with fresh onslaught of baby photos, many new babies and some from very proud (rightfully so) mommies and all the gushing of ooo's and ahhh's that ensue. On top of said wonderfulness is an equally large run on marriages and engagements from wee ones mostly - kids I've mentored in the past, and hell they are still kids to me. I don't care that they may be 19-20, they don't get the right to get married until I do, and well I don't want to right at this hot moment.
It all comes tied in with the realization - oddly enough again - that I miss being kissed, which yes is tied into I still miss AB and you can hit me for that, I don't care. But really every time I see an ad or a show with kissing I find myself flinging myself at my TV in horror. While it's a good abdominal work out, it's not good for much else. So there you have it, the world is actually functioning probably right on schedule, I however want nothing to do with it.
But I agree this is really cute:
1 pair teal suede flats (1 inch)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
But before we go putting him in the memory shoes of my Mr. Big and in doing so replacing that memory with a better option, and one that isn’t 15 years my senior either, I need to convey some terrible news.
He has an extra toe.
Actually he’s married.
No wedding ring.
He’s married, but does not wear a wedding ring. This is one of my pet peeves. As a single woman living in a city where it is more common to be in a common law relationship, it’s already hard to figure out who’s free to look at and who’s not. Further still I don’t understand the no ring concept. If you have allergies there are a variety of options, if it’s cost, there are even more options – the cheapest custom rings on Etsy are below $100 or slightly more expensive.
Now I am comfortable with being labelled a traditionalist – I support marriage, and I have no intention of being shacked up before I am married. Note I don’t care which humans get married to each other, if you are willing to commit for life to the person go for it. I feel that if you man or woman choose to not wear a ring when you are married you are saying two things, one I’m not proud that I am married, and two I am free to be treated as a single person, you can flirt with me, you can look at me and you can try and woo me or whatever you want to etc.
So am I alone in this? Would you wear a ring and why or why not?
And I leave you with this is gem, the truth of Beyonce...
Monday, January 11, 2010
So courtesy of The One in the Back I offer a quiz of sorts shortened because his was well a little longer than I have time for....
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
MasterCard - still paying off a wedding that never happened and some out fall from that oh bless me
2. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Someone else's kitchen - as long as you're cooking it's off to a good start
3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Never happened - always follow the one drink, one glass of water rule, well aside from the now famous gin incident of September
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Never - goodness me, can't dance and I doubt alcohol will help me with that and then combine heels and a bar - that's not good.
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A nurse until I realized I could be a doctor - then a pediatric neurologist until about the second day of Engineering Calculus - then the dream was just to survive.
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
It's pretty, it's pink and it's a day from hell outside - try to balance out the moods
10. GAS PRICES First thought?
I am so happy I don't drive
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you...
Depends - NYC would likely be up there or Portland.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Where did I put the BOSU last night
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Should I leave the heater on?
16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Cleaning the bathroom
17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery? Prefer a museum or a library - don't get me wrong I like art
18. Get up early or sleep in? Early then nap
19. What is your favorite cartoon character? Momo or Aapa
20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with someone of the opposite sex? Depends watch a movie or play a board game
21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
Well then it wouldn't be a secret now would it...
22. Are you planning on remaining in your current field?
Hell no, and I better be shot if I am still here a year from now - N you better hold me to that
23. Do you see yourself married in the next five years?
A girl can hope, I would like to be but I've made peace with adopting if it doesn't happen
24. Your favorite lunch meat?
It's all nitrates... sorry not a lunch meat person
25. What do you get every time you go into a WalMart?
It's the hellmouth - I do not go to Walmart, Target-e as we call it up here... only when Ms. J wants cheap booze
26. Beach or lake? Beach, lakes around here are vile, full of weeds though they are lovely for sailing
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
Nope, traditionalist in many ways
28. TV show you miss?
29. Favorite guilty pleasure
Ice cream - makes me violently ill though so...
30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
I don't care - I love Dirty Dancing and I don't care what Ms. J says about it.
31. What's your drink?
Black Coffee and Vodka not together though...
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Neither though I am a fan of many other teams and I know that isn't the question
35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? In appearance...
Possibly Neve Campbell or so the guy who hit on me during my last date with BV claimed... ah that memory makes me laugh - it made BV even more awkward.
36. If you had to pick one, which cast member of Lost would you be?
Kate, though I have only seen the first season - AB and I hit one of our many bumps after watching the first season on DVD, he continued on without me
37. What do you want when you are sick?
Twilight Saga books and Fluids
38. Who from high school would you like to run into?
No one that I don't stay in contact with now already
39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back
Getting engaged... that's obvious though
45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
No one, I have my own office, yay me.
46. If you could get away with it, whom would you kill?
Pacifist, all life is sacred
47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dita von Teese
48. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
Skip - to be honest I think that is a weird question
49. Have you ever had to use a firearm?
50. Last book you read?
Let The Great World Spin
51. Do you have a teddy bear?
No - though I did for many years
52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Train somewhere in Western/Middle Russia
53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
List is long
54. Number of texts in a day?
Double digits easy, 20-40
55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
Career - though maybe a relationship would be a better bet given that I don't plan on working in this field for long
56. Favorite Winter Olympic Sport?
57. Pencil or pen?
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
So on a lighter note, despite my desire to keep myself as annoymous as possible, I'm going to offer this, I think we can play some games to learn more about me - we'll start with guess my job/where I work in a twenty questions format.
In the meantime a sample of what Ms. J and I did to occupy Christmas Eve day, watching hours of SYTCD, sad and beautiful all at the same time
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
The billboard on the wall of train station this morning had a Yellow Pages ad, "Heading to a job you hate?" I chuckled, snapped a picture to send to Ms. J and hopped aboard a train to a job I hate. Why? Well I have staff, and we will leave it at that... so the goal is to keep my head above water - find some kind of peace and count the days to September when I get to invest in more debt to hopefully find a future...
Sorry I realize that really isn't that transparent... how about this - I want to do my PhD in English or I that I've gone back to being 90% vegan in an attempt to feel healthier and more with it - the 10% allows for the occasional egg and the odd dairy product that slips in - I'm not back to checking labels, or that I love the truth in this song, that despite everything I have something to hold onto.