I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

Property!

You're all mine, mine, MINE, ALL MINE... CEF was like this - Ms. J and well anyone can testify to his need to be in constant contact with me.  We would talk before I went to work, we would talk the entire 1hr commute home, during dinner and then MSN until I was about to pass out.  If he couldn't do that he'd be texting and calling every minute in there that he could - and yes there were many times I would turn off my phone - never a good option.  I'm busy was never an acceptable solution.  You think I'm joking, oy vay, seriously ask Ms. J.  Before CEF I never believed that I was beholden to anyone's time, and after all the fighting to unstick him from my life - I believe that philosophy even stronger.  If you cannot survive without talking to me, without knowing where I am - that is your problem, not mine.

CW says I should be more jealous - that it says I care - CW also says a lot of interesting things*.  Really?  Does wanting to know where someone is, what they are doing and who they are with, all or even a large portion of the time caring?

*Such things:
1.Sharing is NOT caring - which is normally in reference to her friends semi-swinger lifestyles
2. Be a kitten now and a lion when you get married - that is actually her mom's wisdom, apparently everyone's mother hands down weird advice - regardless of their culture.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/richgaccione/2626955916/