When Do You Lay It All Down

Where is the fine line of peace?

I have been struggling lately not with the prospect of being single or not having children.  Those are two things I've had a bizarre sense of peace about over the last decade or so, an almost peaceful relinquishment that it wasn't going to happen and if it did it wasn't going to "traditional" in any respect.

My question of late has been is this peace the root of my singleness have I made myself a self fulfilling prophesy, which I don't think is the case, or is it more so time to hang it all up.  Not necessarily put on the stretchy pants and let myself go (that's not going to happen) but more so root out a space were I just really get on with life and know that single or not, as I have and even more so believe now, know that my relational status doesn't effect the value of my personhood.  And if no tiny human ever takes up occupancy in my uterus I am still fully a woman.

And yet, I know that my family sees me as odd, my extended family even more so... I was at a family reunion this weekend and I felt like the example of what not to do with your life, surrounded by my generation with kids in school.  I received congratulations on my path in life, but all marred with that undertone of pity.  There are days I wish they could understand. That they could understand that the abuse didn't break me, that my family's dysfunction hasn't marred my from the idea of marriage or that it could be successful, that my degree hasn't made my undesirable in our faith community, but rather that just like many successful, intelligent and sassy women before me who have journeyed without a ring but never alone, that life is just as full for them as it is for everyone else who has someone in their bed.

That's what I'm wrestling now that Hebrew is over, with along with along with lots of even bigger school and financial issues and all the fun fallout from losing my TA job before it even began.

PS Out of pure irony I can put a face to one of the men on this blog as I found out today... but I think that destroys the covertness of it all... so I'll hold off until I have a poor judgement call day.  Don't worry ya'll know that's not too far away.

And Another One Bites It

Quite frankly I'm not surprised that Boy Without A Name Yet for the Blog has not responded.  Actually it makes me glad in a small way that my bullshit detection is still functioning more or less the way it should.  And so on we move.

On the note of moving on - I have completely become obsessed with Kelly Clarkson's cover of Katy Perry's song.  Honestly if I could have bought the cover version on iTunes I would in a heartbeat, primarily because during stressful academic times I need the same musical soundtrack.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

Or maybe I have ceased caring about men.

I did receive a message back from the potential set up guy, and it went like this:

"thanks for the msg, its good to be in contact. hopefully you are surviving hebrew! i did that last summer, not my favorite... and yeah, I always appreciate (Hebrew Classmate) telling me about her single friends, so maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again."


Okay so in cutting and pasting this I see grammar issues.  Yes but let us not dwell on this as mine at the moment is horrible... so we will skip that.  I just feel like it is a polite slough off and so I haven't responded.  I mean I care, he seems half decent as a person and he definitely did catch my eye if we're being honest.  But we'll maybe it's the perpetual melting of my brain but it just seems like he's not crazy about the idea and I don't really care that he's not.  But I think I said that already.  I guess my point in my exhaustion is why do we do this?  I mean I've done this, the passive meh in regardless to someone.  I know that the person doing it hopes that the other person has enough self worth to take the meh as a rejection.  However, you know what?  I normally take it as a challenge.  I mean what do I have to lose from a shitty date given nothing can really top the dates I have had with BV. 

So I am now considering something like the following.

Hey (Boy Who Needs A Name on the Blog),

Thanks for your response.  I am surviving Hebrew - had the midterm yesterday and now we're in the home stretch of hollow verbs and all sorts of other wonderful adventures, not that I necessarily feel so excited about it but (Hebrew Classmate) keeps trying to tell me this whole process will be worth it.  Well Hebrew aside, I think coffee would be a good idea, but I know (Hebrew Classmate) said you've got your sights set on leaving after this semester, so if your head or your heart isn't even in a coffee then don't worry about it, no sense wasting anyone's time.

Take Care,

S&P

I always feel like I come across intense and yes I could be softer and flirty and Ms. J normally helps me with that, but you know what?  I am not always like that and at this point I feel like trying to repackage myself as something else to try and hook a man who is already on the fence is just stupid.