A little update

I've wanted to sit down and write a post so many times and either bailed because I was tired or I had a drink or feeling overly sentimental... well tonight I might have done or be all those things but alas here I am, writing.

I sat down with my therapist for the first time in like 8 months - made me realize that I need to see her more often... *sigh* we didn't even getting to the whole I'm avoiding dating while being thankful there isn't anyone I want to date and I still have feelings for X while knowing that those feelings are not really those kinds of feelings, just the you're awesome and safe and you're the hole I want to bury myself in but I know that isn't ideal for either of us, because I know somewhere in me, that at the end of the day that isn't the kind of relationship either of us wants or needs - maybe those feelings radically change one day, but for now it isn't there.

Nor is the situation with DD - walking past his place on a semi frequent basis (which JS claims is stalking, I disagree as regardless of the route I would be in his hood) but whatever, it has made me realize that even if for some reason we were to collide one of these morning while I am "glowing" sans makeup and with bed head in a bun I wouldn't care. Sure I might be flustered, but I'm not interested in playing the let me be cute game. Quite frankly if anything I am trying to let whatever this is be the process by which I once and for all put it all behind me because the reality is our social circles will likely collide and when they do I want to have found a way to have collect my NLLL, even cleaned, organized and stored it away if possible.

As for whether I suck it up and do an online dating option, right now I just cannot, it feels too objectifying which I know is a me thing and not necessarily the format of the service. I guess I'm just going to stay where I am at with that until my therapist holds my feet to the fire and then I guess I'll just have to pick a guy I know who will be the most compassionate... ya that will work swimmingly I can just see it now.

Yep that is about it - other than trying to sleep, my exhaustion is limiting that ironically and working... lots and lots of working, and reading - thankfully or not so thankfully my job affords me a lot of time on the weekend to read, so much so that it is my hope that I can finish my reading list and consider posting a similar photo as this one in our school directory.

Pour Me a Drink...

and then pour me another one.

I don't know if it is the epic to do list I have set before myself to do in this between semesters time, the full moon (crazy at work) or the fact it still has been too hot to run and I'm getting really soft and bitchy.  But this week has made me want to turn off my phones, pour a large glass of something strong and hop in the tub and shut out the world. 

As such I will not pass on my cranky/stressed self on to you but I will share this lovely lady.

BIG PLANS

I am hoping by emphasizing the title that it will:

a. Encourage me to embrace said plans
b. Provide justification when said plans make me feel lazy or overwhelming

Ms J is heading south this weekend, so I am on my own.  So what should S&P do while unsupervised?  None of those naughty things you might think, I would think of doing because I'm not thinking those things you are thinking I am thinking.  Oh no no no.  Actually I was considering a massage or a pedicure but those would only truly be wonderful if it wasn't so horridly cold here still.  Mother Nature has decided that because she was kindly cruel to us during a winter sporting event that can't be named for copyright reasons...winter should still be upon us... You might think I jest, but every day I look at my light winter coat and wonder if I should wear it or not, I usually don't and then spend the remainder of the day cursing my choice... Anyways we are no where near the disclosure of my plans...

1. Make ricotta cheese.  I don't know why I feel the compulsion to do so, but I do and oooooooo... brain wave I can make lemon ricotta muffins with it - now that really is a must do. (Check - Ricotta done and in fridge - PS So easy I don't think I will ever buy it from the store again, muffins done - they're okay - not like the WF ones which is a good and likely bad thing - the recipe needs work)


2. Update the food blog

3. Go for a run on Saturday morning and Sunday morning - ie. get out of the weekend funk business of staying in my pj's until the arrival of Ms. J or my PU compels me to bathe and change. (Saturday - done...)

4. READ.  Read, read, read - and maybe study too.  Now that I'm in this class I am grasping the necessity for me to get my studying self rolling again.  It is as most students know, like a train, the progress starts slow and once it warms up it's normally good, now it does get derailed but I'm going to do my best to avoid that... or WRITE - those MFA programs are starting up a siren song... but to apply I need a polished piece - ie. one solid chapter in a book - eek. (SUCCESS! - Chipped away at Vocab, Lit and Verbal - and started Catch 22 - sorry Ms. J I think I might have accomplished more that I have studying with you... or maybe I just feel better - the sun helps)

So there lovely folks are my plans.  We shall see, we shall see.

So musical selection - oddly enough I love to write to a beat and so this is one of those songs that I can really get mentally spewing to:

Feeling Lost in more ways than one...

Last night AB asked me over for our more or less weekly TV viewing together (Lost), which was fine in and of itself. The issue was I had a prior date with Ms. J to run myself into a legitimate runner, given that I rely on an irregular chauffeur I decided to suggest I change at AB's. So Ms. J and I logged my 7 miles as per necessary and chatted about H1N1 procedures, someone should seriously tape up for some kind of iPod show or something entitled "All the Things You Should Know but You're too Ignorant to Care" or something like that. At 8:30pm I found myself sweaty and in the unflattering lights of the train heading downtown, arriving at about 9, still sweaty-ish and really in need of a shower, which AB so graciously offered. I have to say showering in someones home is a odd thing, how long you're in there, the state of the bathroom etc, but in the end I didn't care. With wet hair and minimal makeup I took my standard spot next to AB on the couch, sandwiched between him and his roommate. Speaking of sandwich, did you know that running 7 miles on an empty stomach can make someone really hungry. AB whispered I was to tell him when I was hungry enough to make him whip something up - I was gifted with clam chowder (minus the milk), garlic toast (blessed mother I smelled something foul) and Caesar salad. It really is perfect, someone who can cook is better than a custom pair of Manolo's to this runner. After the garlic fest we continued watching Lost somewhere after the 3rd episode Roommate and Roommate's Boy left, and AB and I settled a little more comfortably on the couch, in the end cuddling despite his objection to the wet hair. Of course I could have just fallen asleep there propped under his arm, hand in hand. But alas my glass slipper once again started to turn at about 12 and I was off to visit my night chauffeur and the Ladies of Lucite that hang out by the bus stop...

I have to say it was annoying that AB doesn't seem too comfortable with me when Roommate is around, I'm not sure why, maybe it just complicates something that hasn't already been made complicated and then uncomplicated, this weekend will prove to be interesting in the direction of things.

Note: Watching Sawyer and Kate when you have an undefined relationship isn't really advisable, though it is a good way to hear your date's heart and breathing change... sorry AB, yogi's catch those things

In case you were wondering...

I basically become useless to the world after 9pm. So when I received a text at approximately 10:30 last night asking for the okay for AB to go to the movie without me, I gave him a pass, he said he'd make it up to me - words never to be said to S&P - see I have this craving for a butterscotch dipped cone from DQ and there is only one location that now sells it... Anywhos, I plead being just awoken, thus incoherent, though Ms. J is going to say AB has weaseled himself a huge soft spot and thus I gave mercy and the okay of my own volition. Really? Regardless what else was I going to say, NOOOO, screw your friends, I demand that you don't go and go with me... let's check that one for a moment. While it is fer sure (IT) that I'm not someones girlfriend, I not even like a bestest, so what freaking pull do I have without looking well insane? Never mind this got me to thinking, even if I was someone with some kind of relational standing, why should a movie matter? I can understand being pissed, if someone bailed on an agreed upon date/engagement like a wedding, funeral, baptism, graduation or other momentous event that in theory is only going to happen once. But a movie? AR is going with me and that's that, we move onwards...ya so cross the movie off the things to do list, hmm *shrug* whatever... still have dinner plans.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/13725832@N06/2851652049/ - yes I like the subject, sleep with my Crackberry, it's always within arm's reach if not closer.