Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Don't Have Anything To Say But I Have This...

X and I share a mutual love for music, of which we seem to have the same variety of love, so we share our discoveries with each other. Yesterday he posted this band to my FB wall and I thought sure I'll check them out. Well that decision led me to purchase their EP of itunes after one song (it's 6.99) and I really haven't stopped listening to it.



It is just a sample, seriously check them out.

And while you're at it Emeli Sande - if you haven't checked her out, she has a new live album which covers her first album's material and adds some new songs for the price of the first one - and she like Lake Side Dive and even potentially The Lone Bellow are better live. It's amazing - though Youtube doesn't quite convey that alas, but here it is:

A Little Music for this Week

I might not but more than likely I will disappear for this week because I am attempting to write a big paper with basically no time between me and the deadline.

X suggested the following music to me today in our semi-regular "Hey I found this and thought of you..." banter.



Apparently she reminds him of me and I will totally take that even though I do not really see the likeness and goodness if I had her pipes ya'll would have a hard time getting me to talk and not sing my way through life.

*Le Sigh*

Within the first 24 hours of being on the dating site it seems the only men attracted to me were one, nothing that I indicated I was looking for and two men who should know that I am not what they want.

But then again that's not why they are on a dating site, because who cares why I'm there.  They do not see it as a dating site, a site to find a partner for life, not truly, no they're shopping for a NLLL uterus.  This uterus shopping business always brings up in me a combination of blood boiling mad and pity for them.  I feel like sitting down these dear 50 something year old men and asking what they think we have in common.  I am not looking for a daddy, sugar or otherwise, I have a father.  While I might be wrong, I still consider myself young and because I still consider myself young I still see myself travelling, moving places like NYC to finish my schooling and or do specialized training or Portland and settle down in an eclectic neighbourhood, pursue the art of feeding and loving people.  I do not see myself fitting into someone's manufactured, cookie cutter void and getting on with the life they want.  Maybe I'm ageist.  I find that slightly ironic given my education in gerontology.  But I think there is a difference between wanting to help all people including their families embrace aging and marrying someone smack in the middle of that process.

Sorry I'm venting but this whole process is creeping me out a lot.  Maybe because for the last 5 years I have deliberately changed myself to be one a more private person on the Internet.  WHAT? Contradiction.  One this is anonymous, two this has very little connection to the flesh and blood person I am, in that while I am wholly honest, I'm also as much as possible deliberately vague, and now I'm on a dating site with a little generic blurb about myself and pictures and I feel like a piece of meat and it is well, violating.  I didn't think I would feel violated but I do, oddly. Hmmm.  We're going to have to come back to that issue.

Holiday, What Holiday?

I was suppose to have this week off.  I stress the word SUPPOSE.  Obviously that didn't happen and I will be working 4 1/2 out of the 5 days this week.  On my one day off I get a phone call from my boss who is on vacation - so much so that he cannot return an urgent email, that I need to go into work to let our computer tech person in to fix some damage the power outage in these parts did.  Um no.  I am not busing an hour each way to let him in, he can come tomorrow, we are all closed remember.  Well thankfully CW was willing to sacrifice her day off to do it... How soon is it before I'm free from this job?

On top of that annoyance I get an email from the PU I don't talk to often.  Yes she birthed me, but she's also birthed a lot of other crazy since then.  She's all bent out of shape I didn't invite her to my convocation.  She went on FB and decided in her head it was this big freaking party that she got left out on.  Yes I marched across the stage in my glorious pursuit of more debt - but it was only Ms. J and my other PU present. We took some pics and Ms. J and I  bused back to our hood went for food at our local diner.  I had worked that morning, and in the end the whole thing was more about doing it, to say that after 10 years I was really and truly done - it wasn't about her.  Why the hell does it have to be about her?  I know you're going to say I should have invited her.  What for?  So she can drive 2 hours to see me on a stage for 5 seconds? or so I can uninvite my other PU who lives 5 minutes away?  No way am I putting those two next to each other if I have a choice.  I know my wedding whenever that is will be hell enough with those two going at each other about who was less horrible a PU... I know that I'm being a b*tch.  But some days I just feel like when did these two think that they are entitled to my adult life when they sure didn't think they should be involved anytime before I turned 20?  You missed your chance.

The Long Weekend Cannot Come Soon Enough

Ms. J and even X to some degree insist that I spend too much time on culinary websites/detours.  I contest that there is a really good reason for my searches - you never know what you can find.  I went searching for a cooked vanilla strawberry jam recipe to make this weekend and found this website. That is an amazing discovery.

But that aside I am looking forward to a chunk of time so that I can plow through Wuthering Heights.  I am half way through and I declared to the world and Twitter, or maybe that is the world, that I would not read another book until I finished Wuthering Heights.  I needed to motivation to just do it, to get invested in it like I did Love in the Time of Cholera. I find that if I am not in a class where I have to read a book, if it doesn't grab me I shelve it.  I have been known to shelve a book multiple times before I read it all the way through.  Fingers crossed I don't shelve it once more.

Even worse then being stuck without good reading material, I realized that I might have to work in September after all.  I do not want to work.  Seriously I do not want to try and balance work and school.  But that being said unless I find a benevolent benefactor or rent out my uterus I am not going to be able to afford school.  Gah.  So the plan at the moment is to consider looking for bursaries etc - I don't know what my chances are but being denied is better then not asking.

On the topic of money and work/life balance - well actually it's not really on that topic at all - my PU has started running! So glad he's got the old man belly going on and that is not good for anyone, especially him.  So because I'm a mean daughter I've convinced him to sign up for his first half marathon.  Bazinga! I managed to bring one person unwittingly over to the dark side.  We're going to be hitting up SoCal in November - so really I don't know how dark side it really will be...whatever - will be updating you on the joy that will be my life trying to get my PU up to the 13.1 miles.

Too much to do, too little time - and don't even get me started on the GRE - oy vay.

Don't Make Promises You Cannot Keep...

I believe that's the saying... I confess I will likely fail at keeping my promise to keep blogging in the next little while.

My bestie Ms. J has a brand spanking new hip and as such I'm going to be spending my next few days sneaking food into her, watching movies and giggling about the hot doctors (there better be hot doctors).  As such I won't be here.

And when I'm not here I'm going to be studying for the GRE again - good gracious I thought I dodged that bullet, *le sigh.* X and I started talking about the future - not like that kind of future but sort of - it's the even more challenging and complicated future.

See I like to plan, but in recent years I've beat down the planner in me so much that I think I'm afraid of planning. I'm afraid of saying yes to things - of quite frankly dreaming.  I feel like when I get into dreamer/planning mode I forget the present, I forget my commonsense, and I find that the world I try to dream/plan into existence is founded nowhere in reality.  In the end I guess the more I dig into this relationship and my future the more I realize just how damn burned I am/was by the whole CEF process.  Some moments I find it's like realizing not only a scar I wasn't aware of but a whole abscessing wound.  And then there are things that I thought I was afraid of that I really never was... *le sigh times deux*

X and I got into two little arguments if you will call them that last night - one about the cost of his graduation shirt - apparently he's neglected the part of growing up where dress shirts aren't found on the sale rack at the Gap, they cost money because you're an adult and looking like a schlumpy 19 year old is not acceptable at 30+.  But we'll discuss that later.  The other one was why am I doing two years of seminary, when seminary is ultimately just a middle man/point for my MA.  Good question. One that actually didn't really sink in until this morning.

I'm not sure.  I think when I set out to do my two years I was in a completely different place - I was single and I was (still am) really happy with the way things are here community and friend wise.  When I became unsingle I didn't see the point in rushing off to apply anywhere.  I don't plan on moving to be with X unless we are married - plain and simple.  It's a huge move, it's a lot of paperwork and it's not going to be for us just to try things out.  X agrees but thinks I should just apply in his general area - so we are close but not living together.  Here is the sticky thing.  The schools I want are on the West coast... they all require the GRE and I'm feeling royally overwhelmed. 

I know this all doesn't really make sense.  I guess what I mean is I understand that the most practical option is for me to apply for MA programs this Fall, but I think I'm just scared out of my gourd for that whole process.  I once was a jump and deal with it girl, now I'm one who realizes that there are still open wounds from the last time I did that.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/elizacate/3393159650/sizes/z/in/photostream/

I Know You Are All Busy Looking for a Dress for Me...

But I think you need to see this brilliance at Public - featured by Etsy

I didn't need this today - but I am so so tempted to print off a few copies... PS female hive mind - what do you think of this?

Requested Update

One of my lovely friends - and past roommate, L, sent me an urgent request via FB for an update. 

I would like to apologize first by saying that this past weekend and the subsequent events have wiped me out.  So let's recap - I flew to Houston last Friday morning - long cab ride - discovered that Houston like other southern cities has no downtown life - I had this problem in Oklahoma City when I ran there (and I wasn't GF at that time).   So needless to say the weekend was not ideal in many ways - but X was there so that at least kept me sane or I think I might have spent a lot of time crying wondering why in the world I was doing this again... If you haven't gathered marathon weekend is oddly more stressful than the race.  Whatever I'm going to another one - yes it is less then a week out from doing it and I'm not recovered yet - but I love it - hard to explain - I'll save that for the other blog when it gets fixed up.

So I got back on Monday to work stress, a hurting body, while I haven't had a child I am going to be daring and say it's like my body gave birth on Sunday - I couldn't sit, walk down small ramps or get in and out of my PU's Civic etc AND my monthly visitor arrived along with some airplane sniffles.  Now this fabulous trifecta would have resulted in an ER visit last year due to some kind of infection/illness.  This time - this time I kicked it ALL!! Bless you healthier body.  Finally a clear indication we are on the long road to some kind of stable health. 

On Monday I met with a roommate potential - did I mention BR is moving out - yep, another change. So this lovely lady confirmed on Thursday - one less stress - I have a new roommate for March 1.  Well I guess it's one less stress - now begins the long process of cleaning, clearing and rearranging.  I have decided to try and purge down again and reorganize what I can to simplify my life and routine.  So the rest of the month is going to be devoted to trying to figure out where to put things where they are useful for me and clear up space for her.

On Thursday my boss sat down with me - I need to take time off in March (when he takes time off he likes someone to take time off and so it's me this time).  The first thing he said after that request - you can go visit X.  Yes that would be lovely - we're trying to figure out that. It's not a short trip nor is it a cheap trip - so that will need to be worked out.

So as to X - he's going to be my first Valentine ever.  Yep I was that girl who benefited from the mass forced Valentine hand out in elementary school, never dated in high school and in university and post university has had enough success to warrant this blog... So poor X, I'm a little excited about the whole thing.  I think the fun will die off after this year but right now it's fun.  And yet at the same time I have this slight gag reflex at what our office looks like - Michael's Valentine's Day department seems to have up-chucked pink, hearts and obscene amounts of glitter all over the place.

Yep so that's a little of the run down around here - I promise I will come up with more thrilling information - right now it just seems like life is moving crazily fast and changing so much that I don't know where to start when I sit down at the computer.

The Fear

In less than two weeks I will have completed my second marathon, in theory.  Right now my body seems to be staging a revolt of epic Russian Revolution style proportions - and in the process scaring me within an inch of my sanity.  For those who've followed along for a while, or read my food blog will know that I have for the last few years struggled with several bouts of illness.  I know that these started when I started to deal with all the issues of my childhood/teen years.  Now I feel like calling out "No Fair!" to the cosmos because I should be rewarded for dealing with my issues not kicked while I was down.  But alas I was - it started with a dying or dead immune system which left me sick at the mere mention of the presence of a sick person in my vicinity.  I was worse than the average day care child when it came to picking up viruses - and quite frankly that is horrible because I am not a small child who licks all sorts of unfortunate things or doesn't wash their hands... alas.  I was put on numerous antibiotics (which may or may not have been the reason for the GF issues) and so on and so forth and then the hives came.  Oh the glorious hives. And if that wasn't fun enough I started to have problems getting out of bed, up stairs and walking in general.  I went from a marathon runner to a woman who at under 30 paused a minimum of 3 times while trying to climb the stairs up to my office due to the excruciating muscle pain and fatigue.

So last March the epic testing began - it was a time of warm fuzzy feelings and joy - that is if being prodded with an ultrasound wand while having a full bladder at 7am feels amazing.  And in the end after the MRI, ultra sounds, x-rays and urine and stool tests and blood tests for everything between Allergies to Syphilis (because we know that was so the front runner for the cause) the answer was *drum roll* nadda.  Yes folks according the medical community I was on the border of malingering.  So not the case.  I changed my diet - went gluten dairy and soy free and started treatments with Suka my beloved acupuncturist.

I started to walk again, move like a normal person of my age, my skin stopped freaking out and I started to run.  I became human again - until this week.  I have been slowly letting dairy and soy creep into my life because sometimes I have to - they aren't loved by my body but they aren't hated.  Gluten is my enemy.  We are Russia and the USA circa October 4,1957 or any of the years following. 

Anyways, I have a tired unhappy body that refuses to run, a brain that wants to run and all the worry and self doubt that this planner could ever never want...   So if you don't find me around here you know that my brain has sort of shut down in an attempt to not think about the could be's

So Yesterday

Well yesterday was a little or a whole lot shitty - but alas, it was yesterday. So on that note an old gem that has been rolling around in my brain this morning.



And another because it also sums up how I feel at this moment...

In Lieu of Writing - Exam Season

I love her music, it's brilliant, she has lines like "no right minds can be wrong so many times...." This song has a haunting quality that somehow isn't depressing - this song was done by SYTYD - and yes that interpretation is painful and dark.  But anyways - I like her and I love what she did with the video, and also quite frankly the fact that I can easily sing along to it doesn't hurt:

So I am Here Again

I had the privilege of hearing a local writer speak today as part of the class I am in.  She echoed what Arundhati Roy says about writing - we have a duty to occupy a space where there is under representation or the wrong representation.  I have known that about my life story - I know I need to write it out as there is a significant under representation of the long term effects of abuse - the fear, the anxieties that always seem to sit just below the surface - there but not.  It has been a really long journey to this point - 2 years and counting.  Some days it still breaks me, some days that which is always under the surface is not happy being unseen.  Today is one of those days.  Oddly enough I had Make it or Break it on while making dinner, and this song came on.  I started to cry almost instantly.  I am a crier in many situations - this one though surprised me and maybe it's all the stress of school and packing finding their release.  But...

I felt like it was not just that, it was more.  I run because running is my way of reminding myself I am up to the challenge - what I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger.   It reinforces the positive belief I can walk away from the pain of the past, and walk towards a future where I know myself, where I know my strength, my value, my beauty as me, my uniqueness.  I know those on the surface sound superficial and vain.  But they are not - they are the things that we all deny ourselves.  We whether we are abused/abuse survivors and just going through life - we - men and women, deny ourselves the sacredness of who we are, of our voices, of our journeys. It also reminds me I can do what scares me.  It is like a flashback of the last two years - pain and fear can be overcome for something beautiful even if you want to puke from the anxiety when the gun goes off - it is a slow process - it is a process that is so so worth it.  I find it hard in these moments not only to remember the above, but to remember the distance - the growth, the goodness in the journey.  The demons I still carry can be my muse, they can be used for my good rather than my harm... Yep so while I go off to have a cathartic cry I leave you with some profound lyrics:

Interesting...

It seems before I have even had a chance to go towards the altar, there are a heck of a lot of my friends who are moving away from it.  Running, leaping, surging head long towards divorce court. Many I really did not think would.  I realize 50% or more of us will chose that option.   I also know that I am not in any position to judge because if for some bizarre reason I conned my better self down the isle to marry CEF, the big D and I do not mean Dallas or Delta or Dubai would have been our destiny.  I just find it interesting, perplexing and well sad.  I guess this only means now I will be likely getting hitched at about the same time the wave of second marriages happens.  And that my friends is even harder to get my brain around.

Pour Me a Drink...

and then pour me another one.

I don't know if it is the epic to do list I have set before myself to do in this between semesters time, the full moon (crazy at work) or the fact it still has been too hot to run and I'm getting really soft and bitchy.  But this week has made me want to turn off my phones, pour a large glass of something strong and hop in the tub and shut out the world. 

As such I will not pass on my cranky/stressed self on to you but I will share this lovely lady.

Re-Start

I find it hard these days to stay motivated.  It isn't that my brain isn't motivated, let's be clear, this isn't a mental health issue, per say, that is to say I know what depression looks like for me, been there been medicated for that... I get exhausted. Plain exhausted.  The kind that shuts down your ability to cope, function or rationalize.  I call it being stupid-tired, the MCAT did it to me and now work/school post the last two years worth of stress on my body does it to me and I melt.  I have meltdowns.  Last night was a meltdown until I had the loving of a spastic-ally joy filled little girl named Miss Gertie (Ms. J is her human-momma), you can't have a meltdown when trying to fend of a Miss Gertie hug and tongue kiss (thanks G one more reason no boys are going to want to kiss me now, though on that note good Lord I don't know if many boys have clean mouths these days anyways...).  Ms. J fixed me up as best she could, but in the end I still have to come home and shut off the brain that is trying to work in a body that doesn't.

Today was suppose to start my holidays but rather I was up at 6am to call another time zone to get logged into our payroll software so that I wouldn't have to go to work (an hour away) to do the same thing - got that sorted out, went back to bed, only to have at call at 8:30am informing me of another hospital f*ck up and BLERG!! as Ms. J would say.  So anyways, I'm playing relay the b*tch-ness with my staff who know that this is all BLERG-ness.  So there went my sleep in/attempt to recharge... so anyways that is not the point, holiday starts now... recuperation starts now... sort of, actually I need to make a giant quote map on my floor (don't worry pictures will appear of the beauty).

A question at the moment... a big freaking question, one that will test my ability to figure life out... Ms. J and I were talking about my revelation on Sunday.  See here is the deal - a revelation about me for y'all (I can trust you).

There is a seminary school located in the city I live/work in - they offer an Interdisciplinary program which is amazing and I will end up with an Masters degree in the end - it's small classes and it's not a semester (plus) of literally paying to get another Bachelor's degree - which in theory I might be able to transfer credits back to my Bachelor's degree for...  From there I can apply in December for graduate school in the US, or just keep going for another year and graduate.  Um can y'all see I'm already ready to jump ship?  So debt is a huge deal, this school is much more expensive (of course)... anyways. Pray if you pray and I'm going to apparently have to do some typing today and tomorrow and hope I get some answers... Wow the world is changing.

Bruised

I bruise easily, physically and metaphorically.  This week I have managed to survive without physically causing injury to myself, though I will note that my injury from falling in to and then out my suitcase while packing for Portland is still very bumpy and ugly... Anyways not the point.

I think I have mentioned that I offered my proposal to Dr. G this week to be critiqued.  I will note that this is the second time in my educational history that I have done such an act, though I have visited at office hours on three other occasions, one of which was in the Chemistry department so I am going to negate that one.  So let's just say I don't like asking for help, and I really don't like feeling dumb.  I know that being criticized does not mean or make me dumb.  However, that is how I feel, so I have spent many many years happy with B/B+/A-'s because that means I didn't have to deal with the uncomfortable nature of my dis-comfortableness with critique.  So in the end I got critiqued, actually I was more than that, I was left with basically one sentence from which Dr. G proclaimed go forth and make a 14 page essay.  That sentence folks:

"While it is simple to specifically look at the women, for there to be a discussion on their judgment we also need to address the men who lay blame."

Note there was a page written before that sentence.

That is not the worst of the meeting.  The worst part, was his response when he found out that I wanted to apply for Graduate school in the field of English.  Oooooh... long slow with that pregnant pause on the end, followed by a well you're ahead of the class in preparing, but get on fixing that proposal.  Um first what's with the Ooooh, I know that Ooooh, that's the parent Ooooh to the child who suggested seriously that they're going to say go to university when they haven't considered that their regular routine of sleeping in, skipping class and failing to complete assignments excludes them from that option... or some other comparison.  $%#)%# x 4 and maybe a little more.  This man has never seen my GPA (which is probably a good thing) and here I am being given the Ooooh.

And then I realized something - one there are a bazillion schools in the world.  Well maybe not a bazillion, my math isn't fabulous, I blame the sessional I had in Linear Algebra for that, but regardless, if it's meant to be it will happen.  And two I have to finish this bloody degree so why the hell not fight it out right? RIGHT? Damn straight!

So now that the vent and the pep talk are over, the song that inspired me to chill out as much as my caffeine influenced body/mind can:



PS Ms J only watch with Kleenex on hand



Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/moresque/3969882328/

Landing Lights

There are distinct moments in my life where I have desired landing lights, blinking neon, a wise oracle or sage in the desert.  ANYTHING to point the way towards the right and less painful moments in life.  There have been many painful moments.  So to me that says I either miss the lights, the oracle or the sage, intentionally ignore them or they aren't there.  I am going to go with the they aren't there because I in my lack of trust refuse to see them or interpret anything as directional.

Life now is perfect case in point.  My boss decides to give me an educational leave - totally unexpected.  My father gets a loan for me - also unexpected.  Both allow me to go back to school in September to finish off this degree and get things lined up for graduate school.

However after today's meeting with my prof, I feel exhausted and deflated.  And while I could say that it is true my proposal was constructed in a matter of hours while hopped up on cold medication.  I should be proud that my un-edited mess didn't result in my tears. However, I feel like in all this my graduate school dream slips further away with every other opportunity to move forward.

So to bed I go, the proposal reconstruction will have to wait until I can get some sleep and coffee into my system.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/golfcharlie232/4427535646/

Growing Up and Moving Forward Sucks...FYI

I am aware I'm making a statement as obvious as the presence of saline in Pam Anderson's chest region.   Regardless - it sucks.

Case 1
My PU just finalized a loan to pay off my credit card - my PU who just got everything in the black went red for me - talk about guilt.  It's not a free loan - oh no, just he has no interest rate other than grandchild. Yes he directly asked me to provide him grandbabies - what about a son in law first? He's likely to be child like... I did consent to grandbabies - guess I need to get dating. Sigh. Strings attached to EVERYTHING.

Case 2
Asking for help though a sign of a maturity is also a sign that I am not as mature as I would like to be.  I don't have the confidence I wish I had or think I should have. Tonight I am meeting with my professor to discuss my proposal for my 15 page paper.  This all coming on the heels of what is still my permanent nausea about the last paper.  I know that in meeting with him I can be critiqued, become better and grow as a writer.  But who likes to be critiqued on something they are passionate about?  You can tell me my singing sucks - I am down with that because it doesn't happen in the presence of any mammals lest I burst their eardrums.  If you tell me my cooking is horrible I'm likely to impale you with a spatula or something similarly blunt.   Even worse talking literature with my professor is like talking to an uber hot dude who hits on you.  Your brain while trying to shove out the feeling a camera crew is going to jump out and yell "PUNK'D" or something like that, is also trying to be witty, calm, cool and brilliant.   In the end you end up looking like Heidi Montag, expressionless and vacant upstairs, and likely drooling in your Cosmo.

Case 3
As part of Case 1 I have to submit a budget and open all my spending to my PU. Boo I can deal with other people's finances just not my own, I would rather ignore that, thanks.  Guess not went you're getting bailed out of the shit hole that started 2 years ago by your ever patient PU.

Case 4
You accept that making a fool out of Mr. Bombastic in your class, just makes you more of bitch in the end, and you're not really down with that.  So Mr. Bombastic unless you seriously misstep consider yourself safe.