Tuesday, April 27, 2010


1. I am cautiously feeling more "alive" - yay acupunture and everything else!

2. Ms. J and I have started up our old travel blog though the name is a bit dated... http://www.jandjmeetnyc.blogspot.com/

3. I can cross one thing off the list - even though we did technically shelve the list.  We went to Chambar on Saturday for my non-anniversary.  Good times, good food.

4. I have always loved this song, but it's an oldie so I rarely hear it on the radio - I did today so I checked it out on Youtube - I love it even more, she's got confidence

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Looking Forward while Remembering

It is technically the first anniversary of my un-wedding (though I view it as the second given that I celebrated it last year).

Last year I was still numb. I had just come out of 6 months of intense individual and group counseling. I was getting ready to fly out to a foreign city and put into action what I had been learning about myself and about the healing journey we each individually set out on when we step from being a victim to being a survivor.  I have learned many lessons some simple and possibly trite and other very complicated and maybe poorly explained in this context but I will attempt to do so.

1.  Eat whatever the hell you want - if at the end of a week of double therapy and you feel like shit already, shoving a Whopper meal in your mouth in attempt to plug the gaping raw emotional hole is not bad.  I consumed ice cream despite the pain and the heart burn, I ate because despite the poor nutritional composition of the above,  eating is necessary for survival - if it can go in and stay in and possibly make you feel better - that is your focus.  This is when I abandoned veganism - cooking for myself was form of self care I wasn't prepared to engage in.

2. Put one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat and repeat again.  While this can be your marathon mantra, it's also the mantra of anyone trying to function, living isn't the goal, functioning is.  The daily get up, get dressed, get on the bus, go to work, smile (remember to fake it until you make it*), repeat, repeat repeat.  Then one day you might laugh, you might not feel completely raw and hollow - like someone has used one of your grandmother's souvenir spoons to hollow out all your internal contents.

3. Fake it until you make it* - my psych's words of wisdom which I live by

4.  Your heart is to be trusted - especially if you are a woman.  Our hearts are crazy - they love with intensity foreign to even ourselves, we feel deeply - pain, joy, violations etc, we hold our feelings, we have a 7th sense - it's the female intuition - we often refer to it as the mom sense - the one that knows when something is wrong, but it doesn't start when we have children - it is born into us - but we often ignore it.  We stop listening to that gut feeling that says no, this is wrong, you are better than this, you are loved - we ignore any or all of those statements.  I did and lo and behold I ended up engaged to a man I should never have even entered into a romantic relationship with.

5. There are some men who will insist they are ready for change - they were just waiting for you or they had just started making changes when you came along.  This is not good.  This is CEF.  I will tell you that he hadn't made the changes before and he wasn't going to make them after.  He wanted someone to make him feel better for being him - for being the apathetic, broken, alienating person he was.  I wanted him to be someone else.

6.  What you see is what you get with men,  if you are okay with what you see then great be friends.  If you love/want what you see (the whole person - insides are more important but whatever you know what I am getting at) then great he's good, he's the kind you spend late nights with - those don't necessarily work but whatever that's for another time and place.

7. Friends - Ms. J and I were friends but we weren't BFF's by any means - she was however my life line.  She didn't run at the sight of my pain.  Maybe Jennifer Knapp put it best this week on Twitter - and I will best summarize those who speak most eloquently of grace have received it in a profound way.  I have learned grace and mercy at the hands of Ms. J - they don't hand out life prizes for this on this Earth, but I know she's got a big one coming her way.

8.  Ms. J was only successful because I let her be.  Sounds a little narcissistic but it's true I could have gone on the rest of my life not talking but I got to the point where I just did it - sure it may have sounded formulaic to those around me at times - but it had to be a matter of fact act - I had so little energy and my movement forward was where that was going to be channeled.

9.  You never know where life is going to take you - let it fill you as you live - NYC, half and full marathon, school, future - life has changed and regardless of the ups and downs it is freaking beautiful.

10. Did I mention you put one foot in front of the other?    Tonight I am going to put one stiletto'd foot in front of the other and in the process celebrate the people who through their actions and prayers have got me here.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Blood Boiling Mad

So the post secondary school I attend decided many moons ago to switch from a newspaper/telephone system to an all computer based system. I've always had my struggles with it - but when I was a regular student I knew that the only way to guarantee anything worked was the check weekly if not daily to make sure everything was still in place. Well dear readers I forgot this beloved piece of neurosis and now I am no longer enrolled in my English course and said English course is full - with no waitlist. No English class means I am down a possible reference - I need three this fall - which is tough because I need to be taking Poli Sci courses not English classes. Basically Internet registration just added a year of undergraduate work to my life because everything gets shifted down the line. I am trying not to cry but I feel like WTF dear world - I want to graduate and get on with things and it seems like that is not happening on any level - how did English graduate school become more work than getting into medical school?

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Taste of School

I started writing again - I have been seriously mulling over the idea of applying for half MFA Writing programs and half BA to PhD programs. So I'm not really going to be posting in the same way I have been - trying to channel the juices elsewhere.

I was cleaning out my inbox (I'm an email purger - I have a very small inbox) and I found a reading list I had emailed to myself. Let's look at my progress shall we?  Most are just names because I have offered myself the grace of finding whatever I can find and reading it for the author in question.

Achebe, C Things Fall Apart
Angelou, Mya - Why the Caged Bird Sings
Baldwin, James - Giovanni's Room, Go Tell it on the Mountain
Bellow, S
Brande, Dionne no language is neutral
Burgess, Anthony - A Clockwork Orange - HARD book
Byatt, A S Possession  - this was a give up - the novel is horrible, especially since I've seen the movie already
Coetzee, Waiting for the Barbarians
De Foe, Daniel
Dickenson, Emily
Elliot, TS The Waste Land
Emerson, Ralph Waldo
Fitzgerald, F Scott The Great Gatsby was actually really good
Foster, EM Howard's End
Frost, Robert
Ginsberg, Alan - I LOVE Howl, but I guess I should check out the rest
Halker, Marilyn
Hall, Radclyffe Well of Loniness
Hawthorne, N Scarlet Letter
Heller, Joseph Catch 22
Hughes, Langston
Huxley, A A Brave New World
Kogawa, Joy - Obasan
Mansfield, Katherine
Marlowe, Christopher
Melville, Herman - Moby Dick
Plath, Sylvia - Bell Jar
Plato - Ulysses
Poe, Edgar Allan
Shelly, Mary Frankenstein
Shiguro, Kazuo Remains of the Day
Stein, Gertude
Walker, Alice - The Colour Purple
Washington, Booker T
Whitman, Walt
Whittier, James
Wright, Richard

Sad isn't it - just a fraction what I need to read and I've only read a fraction of it...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Fear Not

I have tried to write this blog a few times, and it might just be the sleep deprivation or the residual smell of the hair spray that is killing off every last non-hungover brain cell.

The night started off funny when while waiting for the T an over social 30-40 something man asked if we were a couple because we looked fabulous together.  AB promptly answered we were friends and just going to a party.  The night progressed - it was slow for the most part though - in the end there was far to much in the way of gin happening.  We all know that gin is my arch nemesis.  So while AL tried to get me drunk AB and I spent the vast majority of the evening talking to other people.  At the end of the night AL managed to get us on the last train into town and AB near pass out drunk.  At that stage despite how I felt, it wasn't worth anything as no girl of even relativley sane mind wants to know that the only reason he kissed you was because he was drunk. 

So in the end it was a decent party and nothing happened.  Honestly my only frustration is I need to learn how to successfully hail a cab - I waited 30 minutes for the last bus out of the downtown and that just doesn't work for me.  This has become my mantra as of late - especially as I look towards next weekend.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Ms. J and I are going through the spring brain funk/I hate my job/I have NO inspiration/can I crawl into a hole and hibernate phase.  So in an attempt to cheer us both up, a trip down memory lane - one year ago aside from being set to fly to Oklahoma, Ms J and I were set to fly to NYC. Oh NYC how we miss you and your PinkBerry.
Yes that is me just out side of NYU's campus - looking at this picture makes me want to consider that MFA degree again - problem is as mentioned above my brain is fried.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


My skin has decided to completely jump ship from the Normal dingy.  I woke up to patch of bleeding eczema this morning - scratching in my sleep apparently.  So I'm almost permanently patchy hives as of late - my skin is crawling, red and angry.  Add to that the eczema and my permanent state of whiteness (can't tan and I don't use faux tanners because of my skin's hate for chemicals). I really don't know if I can stand putting on a dress and standing around for a few hours Saturday night.  It's just all a little too much.

Add to this the battle with my food - the changes which while they have made me feel vastly better, there are still hiccups and other gas issues, yes I went there.  I just feel a wreck.  No running has made me even softer - and while I have actually lost weight due to the serious carbohydrate and soy reduction and well just about everything has been changed.  I feel ugly.  I know I'm not but I am going through one of those moments where the good ship lollipop has been scuttled by self issues. It doesn't help that I feel the damned desire to be floating on the luxury yault AMAZING (aka Go NLLL yourself you mean, mean boy who broke my heart and deserves to burn in the agony of the knowledge of his sins) come this Saturday.

Well one little plus I managed to get a hair appointment scheduled for Saturday evening so I won't have to worry about that whole issue given that my hair is at the rather unfortunately length of I can't do anything with it up and it darn well shouldn't be down because well did I mention I am shedding like a woolly mammoth at the end of the ice age, it wouldn't be nice to get that on people...

I have just shoved one little hole in my vessel with a GF fresh homemade bagel and now to make me feel better - something that might make you feel worse.  I have to confess I like Justin because well that's a whole other blog, but let's just say while he's fluffy and sugary compared to the world of teen idols of my generation he's actually quite clean.  I like that.  We all love the other Justin for bringing sexy back - but I am an adult and so is Justin Sr, no 13 year old girl should be worried about bringing sexy anywhere - she should be serenaded by a boy promising to love and cherish her to the best his little hormonal heart can do.

I know you're dancing - don't hide it.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Next weekend marks the second year of my not wedding anniversary.  Now I am aware marking my not wedding anniversary firmly slides me onto the cusp of true and utter bitchness.  I am fine with at - hell I ran my first half marathon in Oklahoma nonetheless last year just so that I could say to the cosmos Damn It - I will learn from this, move on, be true to myself and all that good stuff.  I'm not going to make this some big sap fest.  Last year was hard, I last year was still living with the knowledge that it could have happened - I could have somehow sealed my fate to CEF because I am, as you might have noticed, damn well stubborn.

Anyways to avoid major disclosure and all that - I know that for now CEF is living in Philadelphia - I am safe and the world spins on (cue the Weepies song), so in light of that next weekend I will attempt to take whomever I can with me and drink to true love (spoken very Princess Bride-esque). I do believe that there is the kind of love that grows to people together and older/wiser/more mature etc.  I also believe that because we are all flawed love and relationships do and will have their flaws.  That future person wherever they are is there for a reason and I am here for a reason and we will just have to keep trucking on in our own self growth until those paths cross.  I have been gaining hope/inspiration from my grandmother (dad's step mom) who married in her late 50's.  They have been married 25+ years.  She was a nurse, an artist, a farmer and many many things before she was married in a time when being single meant well a lot more nasty things than it does now.  In the end she has had two amazing lives and is one of the most honorable and talented women I know.  So I fear not the world of singleness - I do however fear the world of my own shitty judgment - at least we know I dodged the CEF bullet in time.

Now just in case you weren't aware of the Weepies, a couple that met by happenstance and became this and so much more:

Monday, April 12, 2010

So I Guess I Should Mention

AB is accompanying me to AL's party (NOTE: this is not a date, before I get yelled at - we were both invited and since AL has to pick us up from the T, we decided to make it easy for him and take the T together).  Yep, the first time I am seeing AB in almost 4 months and maybe that is why this whole party is getting me all a fluster, I'm not sure.  Now let me be clear this is no attempt at seducing him, he will not be invited to come home with me, I promise to do my best to keep my hands to myself, mingle around and in general not act like I still love the man bitterly and stubbornly.

Ah I feel better now that I've come clean with that.

Oh and I also promise to pass over the gin.  That I must solemnly swear... or there will be big time heart ache and a man that I will be kicking out of my bed.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Drinking Again...

So last weekend I had margaritas with Ms. J and friends.  This weekend is a "Black Tie" martini night at AL's place and the following weekend is the 2nd anniversary of my didn't happen wedding celebration.  So here is my dilemma.  What do I wear?  Regardless I have to go shopping for something -  I have a black dress and satin bow stilettos - it's well loved - I have to buy a new support garment for it.  The purple dress below is more summer than I think this party is - I also need to purchase shoes and a purse for it.  Or I can scrap that all and see if i can find another option...

I am inclined to just go with the black dress - as the purple one - which I purchased in NYC I am inclined to wear for my birthday when I've had a chance to get a little color.

Suggestions? Questions? Comments?

Friday, April 09, 2010


This is my life, yes lovely isn't it?

Thursday, April 08, 2010

I NEED Summer

Honestly I'm not a huge fan of summer, I know I'm weird. But lately I have had this NEED for summer, for cool green grass, warm nights and sun. Oh well it doesn't help that this kind of music makes me want to don a cotton sundress, grab a glass of iced green tea and sit in the slowly diming light of a warm summer night with my toes in the cool grass.

Words of Wisdom

Love is a contact sport

Quote courtesy of a comment from a recent post on Donald Miller's blog


Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Back-Up Plan?

JLo's new movie poses a question most women have debated in some way or another.  Is there someone you could/would marry at __ age if you got desperate. JLo isn't the first celebrity to pose a question that I doubt most men or women would really consider.  While I know I have considered it in some respects - I personally wonder if it is just a movie plot. 

If said person would exist, and you find yourself at some personally unbearable life milestone, my questions for you are this:

1.  Why do you need to be with someone - sure we all get lonely, I get that - but is it just because you are lonely, or is it the sex or is it the procreation aspect?

2. Why this person - because if they were that perfect why the hell are they just your back up?

Okay maybe question 2 is rather simplistic so let's just skip that one for now.  As to the being lonely - join a group, pick up a new hobby - something to change the people you interact with - find some kind of community.

As to the sex part  - well you could have meaningless hook ups or you can consider what was suggested by someone I respect - return to the above solution - fill that need with activities that force you to see beauty in the world and fill the emotional voids.

Children - well I know that some women need to have to give birth.  I maybe luckily have no such desire - sure I would like children - don't get me wrong, but I am more than satisfied with the prospect that I will likely foster or adopt.

So as to two - I believe we are in some respects too picky when looking for our partners - I am not saying you should settle - that you should marry someone you have no chemistry with or can't for some real and legitimate reason be with, but I am saying - if in the end if this is someone you can lay down next to and wake up next to every day for the rest of your life - why not marry them and love them?

 Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/orangemoonapparel/4178037684/

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Fun Times

I have had a headache most of the weekend, so while I had grand plans for the remainder of my weekend I doubt much will occur.

I have GRE studying to do, I have cleaning to do, I have organizing to do, I have exercising to do. Well first and foremost I will trying to find some kind of sleep and maybe a desire to study...

Saturday, April 03, 2010


I caught a few good smiles from a poster boy (hopefully man) for eastside living, so while I nosh on my GF pizza with goat milk mozzarella, I am trying to figure out the perfect bite sized I Saw You.  Yes I know what the hell?  Well see here is the deal.  I have nothing to gain, and possibly nothing to lose but hell why not?  Those shitastic odds have never stopped me in the past.

You: Dark rim glasses and a great smile
Me: Dark pink coat, brunette hair
Where: Whole Foods
When: Saturday afternoon

I know it's so thrilling, but hell I don't know what other jazzy info I really need to add.  So there you go folks.  Still throwing myself out there.

The rest of the weekend will be devoted to sleep and hopefully study.

Friday, April 02, 2010


So now:
Ms J has her first real place.
It is April and the very real fact that September is fast approaching is sinking in.
I start my first class in almost a year in about a month - that's kind of scary - it's my first English class in 5 almost 6 years - oddly I feel TERRIFIED.

On those notes of moving forward we went out last night to celebrate jobs, homes and futures - drank a little too much, Ms. J ditched me, I forgot my umbrella on the T did I mention we drank too much? They turned the word lemon loaf into a euphemism that forever will change how I view that baked item (it was tweeted if you want some kind of context).  Let's just say for the sake of roaring laughter I will likely have it at my wedding...

So we are moving forward, forward, forward.  But to look back for a second - I wrote the quote below in the Christmas card of a dear girl I tutored in Chemistry for two years - moment of brilliance, just like my human electron cloud reenactments I did to help her conceptualize the atom. Let's just say nothing really worked all the well to get the point across but she got it eventually.

"Learn from your successes and embrace your failures- all while being gracious and patient with yourself - failure is not to be feared and success is not to be your shelter"

Honestly though it sounds narcissistic I am tempted to get that tattooed on my back - so I can show the world something of quality comes out of this brain.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/moonlightbaker/291202052/