A Little Bruise to the Heart

I have spent the last 6 years working to have transparency in all my relationships since CEF. I know I have not always been completely transparent and I know I have not always made the decisions others would have or would have wanted me to make, but I have felt in everything I have learned and tried to make changes.

But now with the discussion of CW I have found myself whip-lashed in ways I have never before... I feel sandwiched between super supportive friends and strong skepticism. I have always known and experienced feedback but has always almost always been related to the man - and how it might not be right etc. Now? Well now the judgment is squarely being placed on me and my ability to make an "appropriate and rationed" decision and it hurts. It hurts to see that despite all the work that I've tried to do, all my actions to learn and move forward have been not only for naught but has also become something I am regretting that I even did... I am an adult and I will make the wrong choices, but I am also just as capable to make a great decision and for the record I am not the only one making any decisions - not that any are being made at the moment.

All that being said - I am happy to hear your concerns, your complaints, your whatever... and know that whatever is happening is being done with eyes open and time. There is no rush.

So that's that.

Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.

Some Days

9.5 days out of 10 I find myself thankful that things have gone down the way they did. I'm not thankful that it hurt like NLLL NLLL or any of the drama, but big picture thankful. The .5 comes from the small picture dwelling moments and the moments like this morning thinking about a conference I passed up because of a wedding he was to be a groomsman at in LA the same weekend. We discussed in January buying the tickets and were going to but the wedding was bumped a weekend and some of the drama around that on the family's end paused that (Hallelujah, I do not have to deal with getting rid of that ticket, and at the same time woah we went from discussing trips and all sorts of things to well whatever, moving on).

But in the moving on, I've realized I really like long distance relationships for one thing - break ups. I do not have to worry about CEF (99.9% of the time) or his other friends, co-workers, church community etc, but with LG I run into his friends all the time and there is this long awkward pause. And right now I'm reading it as, so you've been absent in church the last month and LG hasn't said anything (he would rather die than reveal anything personal) so what's the deal? Even the prof I TA for was surprised I changed churches... yes we all know what that means.

I would rather everyone be nosey or just act like it never happened and treat me like the student I was before the breakup and still am.

And more importantly I would like to restate (not just repost the following, as I've updated it a little from the original)

Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children, the commitment hesitant and the whatever LG was.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into any man's hands or a spine into their back and nor do I really want to for either.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed (yep), a little bruised (or a lot) and maybe even damaged deeper, BUT, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations with friends who honour vulnerability even when it's icky, even when it's hard.

Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

Thanks friends!

Lawyer Guy Update

Friday's date was a bit of a fiasco all around so much so I'm just going to try and compose myself in bullet points, since I am very much sober at the moment, though I cannot say the same for the last three nights.

1. I showed up on time, he was early and we some how missed each other thanks to the hostess and my trying to be polite by not asking is there a short red haired guy who possibly looks too old to be my date waiting for me. Once I did then I was seated, UGH.

2. It was awkward, he talks a lot and its interesting but sometimes I feel like asking why the hell do you like me, you know nothing about me, seriously, but I know a lot about you and that makes me even more confused. I made it more awkward because well I'm good with that, I asked about the issue of women and leadership and he was expecting a fight, I am more the go ahead and hang yourself type of woman.

3. Walking to the theatre after dinner he kept cutting me off so that he would be on the street side. Now I am getting some serious flack for being harsh on his chivalry and many times it I like it but he seems to be at the extremes (see after the theatre)

4. Theatre was fine, I really enjoyed it, he seemed to panic about the possibility of physical contact, keeping his arms drawn in and crossed, when we did touch shoulders, I could sense his breathing increase A LOT, like DUDE it's my shoulder, it's clothed, I'm actually completely covered except for like three inches on my arms and I have some toe cleavage going one. This isn't even first base by proxy territory. I moved away quickly, no sense giving him a heart attack.

5. After the theatre he walked me to the car, opened the door and we chatted a little and then as with last week, he didn't walk me to the door, and this week unlike last he had an opportunity and missed it, even after he apologized for not doing it last week.

I got dropped off in the middle of the street and the first thing I said to my roommate when I walked in the house after she indicated she didn't want to interrupt anything was, BLOODY HELL WHY WON'T HE TOUCH ME. Like dude I think we've got something but that something is driving hard into the friend zone wall if you don't prove to me we've got something more.

So the next day after 3 glasses of wine I decided to politely with supervision of AE text him to say thanks for dinner (hell I'm still getting free meals and entertainment I should say thanks), I got this epic text at some point in the night in which I was invited over to supervise him making cookies. Sweet? Possibly. I'm just confused.

Here is a successful man, who seems to have had a relatively normal life but he's got some serious physicality issues and he is sending me mixed signals on the gender roles business. And in all this I'm kind of sad that it's all going bust the way it is. I think that actually garners the biggest WTF from me.

So how do I resolve something awkward, by making it more awkward of course. I'm going to email him and lay out the we're totally different people what is going through your brain business and hopefully I'm lonely and horny are not his responses.

Losing My NLLL

Here's the deal I came to this eHarmony business with zero desire for it to be successful if I'm going to be truthful.

So maybe that's why this whole thing has shaken me - maybe it's because if I'm honest, I'm beyond scared of the idea of committing and having babies - more of making the wrong decision.

Hell I didn't really dodge the bullet with CEF, I just managed to get out of it without major injuries.

Each day I try to step closer to the idea of dating someone I realize just how deep those wounds were and how insecure I am with all this - I would love to say I've got my NLLL together. The fact that I don't know what is going on Friday (other than the theatre) - yes no messages since Sunday and no texts and that I'm letting him do some wooing or all my life choices aren't pressing in on me but they are.

So what do I do - well I tell you about them, so I can laugh about the awkward first date bullet dodged of the handshake, hug or kiss dynamic and so I can share my crazy and then I listen to this which is the antithesis of who I'd ever want to be in this dating dynamic but somehow listening to this makes me feel a little better about everything.

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

It Seems I Am Conflicted

And surprise, well surprise to me, it isn't about the person I have spent the majority of the last few years writing about, actually that's not true it seems...

It seems I have spent a lot of time whining about the Douche. A LOT. Hrmmm.

And it seems I've oscillated between blinding stabbing rage posts to questions about being possibly afflicted with Stockholm syndrome.  This man has gotten under my skin without me really being aware of it. I was aware he annoyed me but it seems annoyance and attraction are trying to pull some kind of blurred-lines-bait-and-switch thing.

Here is the problem I am now faced with, now that I'm aware that once I clearly saw myself on one side of this fence that apparently I'm perched on it, and even worse I'm not sure where to go. Yes KAB would say that this is a sign that truly I have lost my marbles as she wouldn't say what I would say as she is far classier. So what am I going to do.

Nothing.

Seriously.

I am serious.

I know he's in going through things that would make dating not feasible - and yes I know starting with that point is making KAB squirm. Actually more to the present issue, his emotions for whatever reason effect me, a lot and I am not sure how to explain why or how. It sounds hokey to say I read people and I'm normally pretty good, I'm not suggesting an average but the majority. He apparently I can read really well because he's not attempting to hide his emotions. Most people would think that his daily "Hi" is roughly the same from day to day. I don't see that and most often that comes out as me being pissed with him for his dramatic to me oscillations, but now the problem is, the converse for me, is wanting to care.

I do not want to care because I cannot. I can care for a lot of people and love people and pour into people going through rough spots and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is in our Friday conversation he opened up and yet he didn't. There was a wall, a big one, and I'm sane enough to not think that if I sit long enough on the world side of that wall that eventually he'll think about dismantling it. Sure I might try the occasional knock when I sense that he's having a better day than the usual grumpy days.

So what does this all mean?

Patience.

I'm trying to sort out the feelings where they belong while trying to not, as I said to Ms. J yesterday, punch the next person who suggests we like each other. I have no desire for a Mr. Darcy-Elizabeth show down unless it comes with Matthew Macfadyen

So It Repeats AGAIN...

I am becoming daily all the more tempted to write the following letter to these men who are looking for this mystery feminine woman.

Dear EH Man,

I am wondering about your profile, it seems that you and most Christian men seem to be looking for a "feminine woman" to make you feel like a man. Would you mind explaining this to me? The reason I'm confused is as a woman I have never felt the need to turn any man or woman to make me feel like a woman, as well I am biologically so. Are you then looking for a woman who is prepared to inflate your own understanding of socially constructed gender identity by being a submissive, never questioning woman who functions as your other half, without herself being a whole independent person, with her own voice.

Thanks,

Questioning

 

EH Update 1

Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.

So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.

So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.

The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.

As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.

"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"

Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.

And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.

So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:

Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Dating and Targets

I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.

In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.

And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.

Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.

I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"

Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.

It's a Mystery

Could someone explain to me why when I am finally convincing myself that I am happy with community and being single that the Douche decides to be friendly never mind another classmate who I do not know well enough is acting continuously friendly past the point I'm comfortable with for single men.*

I want to be friendly. I don't want to be a frosty b*tch, but it seems I cannot figure out how to be friendly without having to worry about any of my single male classmates getting any ideas about how I feel about dating, or dating specifically them. I am happy in my single woman bubble, especially when it comes to matters related to the Douche. Seriously dude I want to go back to you and me awkwardly glaring at each other in the hall rather than discussing how our semester is going and saying good morning like we can relate to each other.

As for the other guy, he's sweet, but I'm positive he's a lot younger than me, though his FB comments seem to put that into question. Though the big issue I have with him is I discovered via FB recon that he's possibly a closet misogynist. Let me explain, he is part of a men's group that has very specific opinions about men and women - such opinions that led me to the following expression when I stumbled upon pictures of his group together from the fall:

So there you have it universe - I would appreciate if you could go back to normal - where men ignore me and I have a sense of peace in these last few weeks of school. While we're at it just extend that behaviour into the next few years while you're at it.

* Have no problem getting chatty with the married men in my classes because I know exactly where they stand and vice versa - boys who are unattached getting chatty always put me on edge unless I know where they stand like Mr. Awkward Date.

I Wish I Could Ask

MW and friend just left the house after a lovely evening of talking and food consumption. It was all great and quite frankly deeply platonic.  I have been racking my brain for why I feel jealous, why I feel I need him.

I settled on it with the roommate, it comes down to no boundaries. I do not want to nor can I hedge him in, I cannot even remotely expect another visit and nor do I feel comfortable asking how many women he's kissed in the last few months. I would like to for the moment believe I'm special. I mean I know I am but something about Sunday has made me feel less special rather than more special.

Well I'm going to mourn that a little and move on. Sure there are things about him that make me realize that I feel the same about him as I have all these years and yet as I remember a conversation we had almost 5 years ago, I know that what things look like with MW are not as they are.

But in the end it is all too late to consider anything beyond my bed.

Scratch That

If you're quick on the posts you might have noticed that one has just disappeared.

Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with the name related to them and more so as I'm listening to Bruno Mars and tweeting - you know all the important things you should be doing when you have a paper to write.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single.

I've actually only been officially dating someone for one in my whole life. One in the almost two decades when it apparently counts that you have someone in your life.

The funny thing is I have lots of people in my life that I love and that love me. If anything all these years of digging around in the shit of my life has fertilized that amazing gift - amazing people. They fuel me, they wrap their arms around me, they cry and laugh with me. And they do it every day of the year, not just on the one day that roses reflect a fraction of the worth of relationship - sexual or otherwise.

So while I could ruminate over the desire for a good snogging - heck we're all there at some point, or multiple occasions in the 365 days of the year, not just a specific day. But in the end, like I've said before about relationships - the good ones, the good ones are the ones that fuel you - they're the ones that make you feel like you're dancing on rainbows or whatever happy is to you. To me, I imagine it will be equal to the day I find a gluten free doughnut that tastes like a real doughnut. Fatty dough fried in more fat and topped with sugar you are my idea of brain explosion, knicker dropping kind of love. Yes I have weird standards, but considering that gluten free baking is still a little meh, that's my Everest.

My point?

Tomorrow if you want that snog or you just want to kick the boy you just found out is dating a classmate because your friend found out in a very accidental and awkward way remember this too shall pass and while we're speaking of passing things I'll hand you the chocolate or the wine - your choice because I love you and heck that's got to count for something, even just a little something.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpaxonreyes/5442938096/

If last night was any indication

2013 is going to involve a lot of profanity and drinking. And if this morning is any indication of how my life is going to go in the in between times I am going to need the profanity and the drinking.

Last night I decided to humorously tour a certain dating site I normally cuss at when its syrupy ads come on the tele. I laughed my way through the whole thing and then cringed. All the men who I was suggested with are not what I want. I might try filling it out all over again. But I cannot say I'm sure I want to date again. Sure I would love to have someone and at the same time I feel like the stress of trying to make something work at this point in my life is a greater hassle than all the warm feelings of another's hand in mine.

And oddly enough I get to say that with some bittersweet clarity or determination or stupidity. Your pick, because today I received a message from a friend of Ms. J's. I know him and we've hung out but I wouldn't say we're close friends. He came over with Ms. J for dinner on Saturday night. And maybe it was my (actually not mine but this recipe with some secret changes) pork tacos or my general awesomeness (not really) but when he left I had this gut feeling I had actually be awesome, like flirty, I'm so awesome love me, awesome. But I ignored it, the feeling that is. I really didn't think anything would come of it because said boy is just as, if not more so, wilderness and transient than MW. Apparently not. He called me this afternoon, waking me from my nap wondering if I had been on FB today. No, because sleep was and normally is my priority. He asked me to check it and get back to him. My stomach dropped and my cheeks flushed.

I ran myself a bath. I don't much like baths, but I find that they are good place for deeper yet more direct mental dwelling. After all I have to get out of it with an answer before it gets cold. I didn't and I still don't really know what my answer is. The truth in my heart is I know that while he is loyal, he is like a river, he's always going to be on the move and really more comfortable with that kind of life and a remote version of that life too. It's not the degree of stability I want, the life I want or the relationship I want or even see myself having. And yet as I said to Ms. J am I too old to be getting picky when I know he's kind, gentle, loyal and has a good income. Is that all I need? Is that I get?

Oh dear 2013, I don't know if we can be friends.

Musical Moment

AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot.  I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly.  I love it, even though it makes me a little sad.  And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

I Was Brave/Stupid Today

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how stupid it was that I was going to wait to tell RB that I liked him.  Why did I need to worry about it for a NLLL month when I had bigger fish to fry like Hebrew, and for what?  It's still going to be awkward and at least if I did it sooner, the awkwardness would be over sooner.

So guess what?

I did it this afternoon.  And even better I did it while in the same room and without alcohol.  That sounds like I was amazingly brave, but I was not.  I did it via FB message and I don't think it counts that I did it while sitting 3 cubicles away because I sure as heck ducked out of the library as fast as I could after I hit send.

In case you're curious I did tell him not to respond.  I mean I am operating on the assumption that he's just nice but doesn't actually like-like me and so given that I need absolutely no pithy statement or coddling.   If he likes-likes me and that's a massive IF, then well the ball is in his court. 

HSBFF thinks he should call or do something - quite frankly I've been brave enough for one day I don't need a phone call. 

And yes I know this is a break up song of sorts but lets be frank this is going to be my song for tonight and we're going to be moving upwards from here.