Scratch That

If you're quick on the posts you might have noticed that one has just disappeared.

Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with the name related to them and more so as I'm listening to Bruno Mars and tweeting - you know all the important things you should be doing when you have a paper to write.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single.

I've actually only been officially dating someone for one in my whole life. One in the almost two decades when it apparently counts that you have someone in your life.

The funny thing is I have lots of people in my life that I love and that love me. If anything all these years of digging around in the shit of my life has fertilized that amazing gift - amazing people. They fuel me, they wrap their arms around me, they cry and laugh with me. And they do it every day of the year, not just on the one day that roses reflect a fraction of the worth of relationship - sexual or otherwise.

So while I could ruminate over the desire for a good snogging - heck we're all there at some point, or multiple occasions in the 365 days of the year, not just a specific day. But in the end, like I've said before about relationships - the good ones, the good ones are the ones that fuel you - they're the ones that make you feel like you're dancing on rainbows or whatever happy is to you. To me, I imagine it will be equal to the day I find a gluten free doughnut that tastes like a real doughnut. Fatty dough fried in more fat and topped with sugar you are my idea of brain explosion, knicker dropping kind of love. Yes I have weird standards, but considering that gluten free baking is still a little meh, that's my Everest.

My point?

Tomorrow if you want that snog or you just want to kick the boy you just found out is dating a classmate because your friend found out in a very accidental and awkward way remember this too shall pass and while we're speaking of passing things I'll hand you the chocolate or the wine - your choice because I love you and heck that's got to count for something, even just a little something.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpaxonreyes/5442938096/

Dating Pseudo-Stockholm Syndrome?

I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive.  I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.

This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it.  Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere.  Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married.  And if so, will it be healthy?

It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.

As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library.  Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are.  And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless.  I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom.   Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.

All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.

Apologies

First, I want to apologize for being slow and sporadic at posting - for these past few weekends I blame my marathon (yes I did actually run the Portland Marathon this past weekend) and my usual nemesis grad school.

Second, I am likely to be sporadic with the posting in the future because within the next month I hope to have my new blog up and running.  I will be very different in content from here so fear not there will be continued life/dating updates that I would like to work through in this less public venue.  And yes once it is up and running you will all know about it.

Third, KAB has suggested we keep Mr Supersmart on the list of potentials and not her list but mine... I've decided that the maybe list can have some occupants - how they get on to the yes list, well that's a little more complicated and I don't know if I have the mental space for that right now.

Fourth, I am returning to the town where CEF used to live, where all the drama when down over 4 years ago.  WTFOMG I am sure is one of the questions/exclamations going off in your head right now.  Well for one he lives on the opposite of the country now - so I have a few states of buffer, and two I think the time has come that I close the parts of that journey and open myself up again.  I don't foresee myself getting married any time soon, as it would require a willing man, I do know that there are questions in the back of my brain about getting that close to the isle and then going the complete opposite, is it a journey I can do now even healthy.  I need to know that I am a different person, because there are definitely days where regardless of the years of having my head examined and sitting with the messes and the pain, I still wonder if I am the same completely broken woman who is going to make the same mistake.  I know conceptually I am not, I know X was a good relationship/is a good man, but I still think I need to own the whole CEF things to the degree I can.  Don't worry I'm not going to go crazy and hunt him down to apologize - to be honest I am breathing a massive sigh of relief that the school email I used to have will be closed down this month - no more contact loose ends.

Fifth, I ran the marathon with my family (PU and Sibling) and not that that matters - crossed the line and this guy who we basically ran with the whole marathon congratulated me - he was so cute and being that I was low on necessary brain sugar for flirting, just smiled and said thanks.  Damn it brain, you'd think there would be a special reserve for essential life functions.  So being random I checked out CL for a missed connection.  Who knows maybe we did have enough of a connection and I can't remember it.

Well we didn't but this guy did and I wanted to post it purely for the line I bolded below:

"I know this is a long shot- with 6000+ runners, but I thought I would take a shot anyhow!

You- brown hair, green tan tank top, sunglasses and black skirt, probably around 30ish? You passed me going up the hill to the bridge. You made miles 17-24 much easier because of the amazing view I had running behind you ; ) How do you look gorgeous while running a marathon. I wish I had looked at your bib to get your name. Lost you at mile 25ish as leg cramps came rolling in for me. Guessing on your pace you were under a 3:45??? Damn girl.
Me- 6'2, gray shirt and black shorts, short hair, and unfortunately, disgustingly sweaty while dreaming of the girl running in front of me. Last mile hopping and skipping like an idiot, glad had left me in the dust so I didn't have to act suave as my calfs seized up. Oh well- I finished under four hours- so can't complain too much.

You kicked ass (mine included). I would love to run with you sometime (or even just behind you again) and then get some drinks : ) Hope to hear from you."


Sure there are some ass comments, but I completely get that considering there isn't much else to look at - calves, backs and asses are about it - but that aside - I must confess I like a man who is okay with acknowledging he's been beaten and being humorous about it.


So that's about it.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Nuclear Fall Out

A few little words do have a devastating effect.  Sure the conversation was between RB and I but if we're being honest, it was really a conversation/declaration to RB's best friend and his best friend's wife and KAB and AE (Artist Extraordinaire).  So all of a sudden in a student body of maybe 75 on campus at one time, even less in the summer, there is a slow ripple effect of people who are either avoiding each other or witnessing the fall out like AE at lunch today.

Really I'm sure AE isn't the only one, not that I think people watch people as much as I do, but seriously we went from talking pretty regularly, sharing tables at lunch and so on, to sitting at polar opposite ends of chapel, taking different staircases (we only have two so there is limited running room) and for what?  When I ran into RB's bf's wife today in the bathroom she froze.  It's like she didn't know what to do, our friendship had hit the skids along with mine with RB.  It's not suppose to be like that.  Sure I want space but I didn't think we were staging the next Cold War in all it's glory, what happened to a little detente?  We cannot keep running from each other - him out of fear of something and me out of a desire not to have a conversation about it. So I'm going to finish my Hebrew, have a good drink of something strong and Gin in nature and text him and we'll see if we can iron this mess out.  If that fails I might just be singing this later...

Feel Free to Smack Me Anytime Now

First it should come as no surprise to you that I'm now going to be posting more often over the next few weeks because I have papers to do.  Oddly posting though procrastination seems to be the mental equivalent of going for the run to calm my nerves, it gets some of the ants out of me.

So on that note, today's post and the reason you can smack me.

This online business has made me realize I like being single.  For the love of all things pink and sparkly where are all the good ones for me?  I am not saying that online dating is full of duds, I means I know there are duds, but they are everywhere.  Which as an aside is rather unfortunately because if they could all be relegated to the interwebs maybe life would be more peaceful.  But this is not my point.  I know I'm unique, and I mean that in all the positive and not so positive aspects of that word.  I really cannot date Americans - though yes if you are counting CEF, X and the majority of my currently peer selection fall into this category.  I don't have a problem with Americans, I have a slight issues with their lack of health care and their bloody backwards ideas about marriage, birth control and war, especially war, being that I am a pacifist.  So you add that plus the graduate degree I'm pursuing which is extremely polarizing in the religious community I am apart of and fishing in for my "future someone," then tack on the dysfunctional body and even more complicated and dysfunctional past, especially the lack there of my v-card.  Which taking another aside was lost not by my choice initially and then it was freely given to AB and X.  I don't have any qualms with that part of my life, with those choices, but I have come across men who believe that I beyond damaged goods for those choices, that I've passed myself around.  Which quite frankly is a completely sordid load of NLLL in my opinion.   So whatever, the point is not to say I'm broken and a mess.  I guess, the issue is the same as it was 5 years ago.  People, including myself, are too damn complicated to be online dating.

So basically I've come to the opinion not only is it a load of NLLL, but that X is still the best one out there.  Yes yes and this is where I have to also say and how exactly do I and X maintain a relationship? We cannot and such is this whole bloody crock.  I still love a man who is wholly unattainable.

Even worse I cannot even claim the following for my actions:

Oh well.  Back to the books.

OH EM GEE and other updates

I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible.  Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.

So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.

1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself.  So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad.  Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal.  My dad generously offered to foot the bill.  A massively big deal.  But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going.  So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll

Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.

I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use.  It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here.  More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD.  Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program.  So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.

Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.

2. Men

Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be.  Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.

b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.

c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations.  I just cannot abide his behaviour.  He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is.  No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day.  That day?  Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day.  Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)

3. Age

I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade.  I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue.  BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey.  On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February.  Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous.   But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love.  Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?

So here is what I need:

Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.

I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them.  Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me. 

So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:

Little Update

One week left in the semester and at least 4 weeks of work I need to accomplish.  I'm taking a break from my attempt to plow down my writer's block with this song (oh the things you can find on YouTube when you're trying to find motivation).  So while I'm not interested in a Sugar Daddy or any long term relationship - life is too damn complicated, I can say that I do still want to maintain that dating/feisty spirit in the hopes that the day I do need to get back on that horse, it won't be a million miles off in some pasture never to return.

Dear Children (aka Undergraduates)

Okay, little children I am aware that there really is only about a decade difference in age - but somehow in the last decade I've learned some information you've yet to learn, so let me pass it on to you.

Clothes are a wonderful thing.  Yes I am aware American Apparel has spent the better part of your teen years convincing you that you can really walk around in public like you do.  See the thing is they are selling soft core porn with the benefit of airbrushing.  You, however, live in a northern country not a magazine advertisement.  So could you please consider for the sake of humanity and yourself consider that the following are not wise choices.


No nipples:  I do not need to see yours - I am not talking about what can happen when we're cold - no I mean like I do not need to see the size and color of your nipples.  So this unfortunately means you need to consider a bra.  Yes I know being liberal and educated means no bra in your mind.  Maybe in the 70's this was the correct assumption - this however is no longer a correlated relationship.

This goes for the men too - good gracious and in hopes of all things holy you should never ever EVER wear a chiffon black button up shirt.  And this definitely should not be paired with an epically shoulder padded blazer.

No Hooker Socks:  These are hooker socks. I am aware that Toddlers and Tiaras thinks that bringing Pretty Woman back is a good idea.   I don't think so.  Why?  Because it seems to let you think in the middle of a freezing cold day that you can wear hot pants and hooker socks and that they somehow equal pants.  They don't.  Just put them and the hot pants away for so many reasons I need not explain.

No Tights as Pants:  Tights are NOT pants.  I know there is a delusion that they are - you want to know why they are not.  They stretch.  That means when you bent over in the bus this morning we saw the pattern on your knickers.  For reals.  Also, they get into places no pants would ever enter - to clarify in case you cannot figure this one out.  For the sake of your lady bits do not wear tights - that area is designed to be free of fabric.   No one, not even your partner or your gyne needs to see your camel toe.  There, you happy, I said it.

No Summer Clothes:  I know we get a very short summer and we all think that if we just ignore the rain and the wind that it will be fine.  But seriously I don't want to see your blue toes in muddy flip flops or you squeezed into a romper that would have been questionable on you in your adolescence.

Y'all sweet children are in university now which does not mean that it is time to leave your brain at home and whore yourselves out.  Yes I know you will have classmates who believe that whoring is the way to a good or at least an easy grade.  I hope you also know that universities are worse than high schools for gossip because the professors and TA's do not have to worry about any legal issues in talking about you.  You are no longer a minor.  That means when you have your ass hanging out in that chemistry lab in an attempt to shag a TA someone will find out, or a whole lot of someones.

Advice

This week @Jesusneedsnewpr posted a blog about teenagers, and specifically asked if there was any advice you would give teenagers. After spending 3 years of my life dealing with teenagers I will say I have no advice. Yes that's right, I have no advice to give to teenagers. I think we blob them all together, we don't and wouldn't generalize 20-something's to the same degree we do with teens. However, that being said I feel like this "give advice" positioning is one I've found myself in more and more. I can give advice about all sorts of fun topics like surviving abuse, therapy, running marathons and ditching your fiance. All fabulous and useful topics - oh so very useful. But in all seriousness there is some advice I would like to pass on to my former teenage self since I've been thinking about it.

1. Remove the pole from your backside. Now I know that sounds harsh, and you're probably appalled (my former younger self that is), to which I say oh honey I made it sound nice for you so accept it.

2. Now that the pole is out, breathe, if the concept of a deep breath is hard for you, take a shot of whatever Dad has is the cupboard in the kitchen - that might help. Okay, now - did the world fall apart? Seriously, did it? No I didn't think so. You're so wrapped up in the gluing of people together. You HAVE to fix EVERYTHING. But here is the deal in fixing them, or hiding their wrongs to you, you will disappear. If you are going to hell in a hand-basket you seriously need it to be hell for them too. Yes that could mean your parents divorce (they do - way later on unfortunately), it will mean you will tell all those deep dark soul consuming secrets and no it is not fun, not fun at all - but the nightmares stop.

3. So I am aware I am making you panic. All that need to fix and perfect and control will slam up against life. I am sorry but it does - so what to do about it?

Grace - not the person, she's lovely but no, give yourself grace. Failure will happen in this life, I know that's a shock. Sorry dear but nothing is going to stop you from failing at a lot in university. It's okay you avoid AP. You'll fail at a lot in life - like moving out, saving, dating, even trying to get married. The shocker is that it's ALL okay and those failures are a good thing.

4. Now I know that didn't help, I've told you your parents will get divorced, you can't control the world, your secrets will be revealed and you'll fail at a hell of a lot. So now you are wondering where the positive side in not ending it all before you were 16 is. Well dear. If I told you the good stuff it wouldn't be as sweet...

5. Actually I know that isn't fair but you aren't going to believe me anyways. Where to start... the boys. You like boys. Boys are good, IN THEORY. You have a tendency to chose the shitty ones, not the bad boys, just the real lame ass screwed up ones. I would tell you to avoid them but I know you won't... so let me give you some advice.

Don't spend time alone with Lawyer Boy - he might choke you with his tongue, I came close to exiting that way - it's gross, he's lame and he's an oh honey no.

So about BI I know you've felt chemistry with him since your first English class together, oddly things sort of come together and yet don't. I will tell you why because you won't realize this until years later. You really were in love with him. Shock, I know. It's okay things ended up good for him. I know he was scary, you just weren't ready to open your life to someone you knew you had a lot to lose with... But I will say at least give the guy a hug, sometimes boys need more than your baking - and no that is no euphemism.

Mr. I Have a Guitar - Oh why do you go for the ones who are messed in the head? He wants a barefoot in the kitchen girl - and yes I know you love to cook barefoot, but you and I know that is not what I mean - you are not that girl. Just because he can sing and play the guitar, it does not rectify a massive pile of sins.

Mr. Big aka Dr A - Oh honey - this one will hurt, I don't know what to tell you but this will hurt, oh and you'll be fine.

You know I don't know if we are going to discuss Mr. Ex-Fiance (CEF) - because here's the deal you aren't going to listen to me about all the stuff before this - and he brings the greatest shit storm you will ever know but he contributed to the person writing this - enough said.

AB - Run, oh girl run, yes you'll love him like you did BI but it isn't worth it because he doesn't love you seriously, seriously. Though actually maybe you should stick around for that kiss you'll have one hot August night on his roof top patio downtown. Yes, stick around for that, but don't wear the blue dress.

But enough with the boys - friends - girls before well I'm not going to finish that unfortunate phrase though it might be true...

N and you will survive her whole not marrying A and eloping and well I've revealed too much - that whole part about grace - share it while you're giving it to yourself. 

Ms. J is more fabulous than you will ever know, and I know you and her are really different but you need her. Really, really need her.

The rest of the girls from high school, you judged right.  I know this sort of let's you get away with that self righteousness.  It doesn't.  But they want something different out of life and ya'll are just really poor at articulating that now.  So let them go off to school - paid for by their parents, get married young and have lots of babies.  Why?  Because that's their business.  It doesn't affect you.  Just like their getting divorced before their 30 doesn't affect you either.   Move on, even if they don't or won't.

I could go on, but what I will say to end is give your dad a break, it will take you over a decade to see he has loved you all along, and it will hurt and be hard, but that part about grace - give him some too - he does really love you.

In closing young me - breathe, relax, don't work so hard as you'll find your 20's come with gray hair, wrinkles and black toes(you ran that marathon you set out to do) - it comes with pain, but more importantly it comes with GRACE, LOVE and MERCY - so accept them with tears and breaking and give them without attaching all your shit.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fernandosanchez/2273862344/sizes/z/in/photostream/