Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

I Really Should be Sleeping

But apparently my brain feels like it needs to spit something out into the beautiful world of the interwebs.  I have a discussion with CW on Friday, as I was trying to not keel over from my gluten intake,  it appears she doesn't believe in a real true love.  I know there isn't "the one" and I'm not going to ever argue there is only person for everyone - but I do believe that there are people/relationships that are healthier - ones that actually project forward.  Relationships where the guy despite all his talk actually does something to tell the world that you are theirs. CW is not in that kind of relationship and well we all know that I'm not either, that's for sure.  But you know what, I've seen it, I know it exists.  I know that the ones with backbones and feet over head exist - so I'm going to wait.  Yippee more waiting.  Part of the waiting game that I'm finding frustrating is not that I'm not dating at the moment - I've got enough on my plate.  It is that there is this belief that I will be "lucky" or "successful" once I enter seminary.  Yes folks because there is a large number of single men who are liberal, of a similar heritage and love to run roaming around a tiny seminary. It frustrates me.  But before I frustrate you back to the topic of Mr Bomastic a mutual friend of ours posted this picture on FB.  I think it is priceless, especially given the whole discussion regarding his "it's complicated" status.  Regardless of whatever he does to my GI tract - I'm over it.

A Song I Wish I Could Be Rocked To Sleep By...

The mention of Santa Ana winds brings me back to Joan Didion's essay collection Slouching towards Bethlehem, and it makes me slightly nostalgic for the train, the daylight creeping into the valley, casting light a pink hue over the wind farms and the flashing signs along the I10 portion of San Bernadino

or this lovely tune too:

Wanted: Sleep

I am prepared to give up all my stilettos, chocolate, and maybe even my Blackberry for one night/morning/afternoon of terror free sleep. The last month worth of emotions, events and work stress have flooded me in the silence of my half empty house. In honor of all the subconscious adventures I have decided to form a new dream definitions

1. Gaspers: These are the bolt upright type dreams - had a lovely one this morning when the sound of the walking and door opening above me in my early morning pseudo sleep sounded like it was right next to me - of course I had my back to the bedroom door - so it was more like a twist and fall out of bed - I'm smooth that way - terrify the intruder with a flailing chaotic exit from bed.

2. Bella-itis: This happened Thursday/Friday and Saturday night - blessed... they are the nights of one hour at a time sleep, drifting into a sea of non-differentiated emotions, but all cause this fear of sleeping, lest I find myself in the same sea of fear, pain, tears, anger and uncertainty... best described as all Bella did in New Moon - sleep and scream in the abyss. Dramatic true, maybe overly so, but we all have these everyone once and a while - mine had a lovely up side, as I don't know if my closet, house and kitchen cupboards have been so organized, I accomplished ironing, mending, and laundry in the middle of the night, who knew those hours could be so productive when you refuse to sleep.

3. Non-sleep: In the fighting off of sleep and Lady Exhaustion, you can get the point where I have been the last day and night, the inability to sleep regardless of how tired you are. There is no comfort in sleep, and the desire to have someone there comes sneaking up out of the fog. I don't know where it really came from, but last night I would have given my Starbucks addiction for AB to hold me until I fell asleep. Not productive and I referencing the giving up Starbucks, and also not fair for AB - he can't be expected to do that.

4. The Crazy NLLL dreams - like my lovely uterus occupant dream last week, which to be honest I think started this whole nuttiness.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/kirstielei/3867896862/

We've got a problem...

I'm sleep deprived, like severely so, and I'm starting to think all weird. Now BI would say I always do and Ms. J would definitely agree, but after the sangria mishap and the texting and well everything of the last few days, like finding myself at a double movie showing until after midnight last night. But I realize it isn't a math equation, well at least not a simple one, we've got multi-variable Calculus going on here, and let's just say I failed that course...

It's fun, it's BI all over again, minus the who rest of the acronym - he's the marrying type - but not that that really matters. We're still stuck, we're tip toes away from the dating realm and yet I feel like we'll be miles away from a casual friendship or any kind of friendship if I push the issue. His roommate has supposedly touched on the issue, suggesting we should date and while a part of me would love to have her read on the whole thing given the duration of time they've lived together, I feel like that's crossing boundaries, and ya well... we are stuck, it's a stalemate. Any suggestions? I know it's not much to go on but I know it's not like a summation of it's parts business.

Oh and fingers crossed - AB bought a lottery ticket with my lucky quarter with the supposed intention of giving me a portion to purchase a laptop if we win - seems fair.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/neon_lobster/3572898908/

Sooo...I guess my bed and I won't be seeing much of each other

It is an oft discussed issue in my daily life, I love sleep, I LOVE it and not just like, or feel warm undefined feelings towards sleep. Sleep and I have a wonderful relationship where I devote 8 or more hours daily to its maintenance. However it seems that over the past few weeks and this week without question I am opting to change the dynamics of that relationship, opting for walks around Stanley Park, Sangria consumption, Coldplay (! - AWESOME), and apparently a pseudo-date on this Wednesday, we are by no means calling it anything beyond platonic - because well that is not the way this going to go down fer sure (intentional typo). It also isn't being defined as other because my Coldplay date waffled inregards to the intention of the asker... I figure I can cheat on sleep a little with coffee/caffeine and at the same time get on with this whole living business. As to the who, what and where's of Wednesday while the secret might be burning a hole through my email account/phone, it is going to stay where it is, hint though it has nothing to do with OM and we are all soooo glad about that, so unbelievably glad that has all left.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/siennamooney/3184340721/