Monday, February 28, 2011

Victoria Calls them "The Grumpies"

Whatever you want to call them I have them. Maybe because it's a Monday, maybe because my house looks like a bomb went off and the chaos is killing my OCD self, maybe because I just had to deal with a solicitation call, or that I feel like boo or that I cannot even go for a walk outside because my lazy neighbors think that compact ice and slush is a suitable coating for their sidewalks... I think though it's the fact that it's almost March and it sure as heck doesn't look like it.

I have been listening to the Wailin' Jenny's album and it seems to be the only thing that makes me happy - so here is one of the songs from their recent album.


Saturday, February 26, 2011


The new roommate is moving in today or tomorrow... and I am meh - it's the weather. I blame it on the weather, I just want to get a few movies lined up and stay in bed and get that weekend in bed coating on my skin and hair... It's too cold to run, it's just too cold to be out of bed, it's gray. I need the sun to return and with it my desire to do anything.

I have the winter blues, the I cannot run blues and all sorts of other blues. Good times. So on that note something to return the smile to my face and maybe yours:

And yes it is who you think they are - no throwing stones at me, just listen to the song - close your eyes if you need to.

Song is thanks to this awesome blog

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

In Honor of Anti-Bullying Day

Hope you are wearing your pink today (thanks Victoria for the vid)

A Reminder

I had a little heart stopping moment today - it was my own silly fault.  See I Google CEF every 6 months or so, it is my way of doing a quick scan of where he is at - location wise and mental health wise - if that is readily available.  Yes we do have mutual friends but out of respect to them I don't ever ask about him.  They don't need to be in the middle of the drama - they weathered a pretty nasty storm from him after break-up.

So all looked normal today, except he's on Twitter.  #)$^)(@@^$$_@)#%% and other words was all I could think of in that moment.  Why had I not considered that he would use Twitter.  He on his own would never find me on Twitter - I have kept things as vague as possible and I use a different email.  However, given the combo of people I follow and vice versa it wouldn't take stalking me that long to unravel almost three years of work to hide myself.  The Interwebs are too damn small.  So I protected my tweets - that will help eliminate the possibility and deleted a few tweets that were location specific, in theory.

You are likely going to ask why no restraining order?  Why?  Well he has not contacted me or my immediate family since Dec 08/Jan 09.  As long as that remains I have some security - most of what I feel is fear.  I know that regardless of how much therapy he could have had post breakup (and I know he hasn't from what I have been told about his current-ish behavior), he is not a nice person.  I am not hard to find - my name is the same, my address is the same - I just don't want him to show up on my doorstep one day.  Restraining order or not, it's not going to stop him if he chooses to do.  So let this be warning to you ladies, first sign of dual behavior, run.  If he's one person to his family, a different to his friends and someone else with you - the likelihood is that person he is with you is not going to be fun by any means.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


The sun and the Wallin' Jenny's inspired me to get my sh*t together and tackle Adobe Photoshop.  Now I don't know if I have made it clear before this point but I loathe technology - actually I loathe really anything I am completely out of my depth in.  But I got tired of waiting for my photographer friend to fix my running blog header, so I gave myself a pep talk and went at it.  Is it perfect?  Is it going to win any web awards - nope, BUT I like it - so negative Nancies you can suck it.  Ya you heard me.

On another note altogether - go check out the Wallin' Jenny's new album or The Civil Wars or Adele's new album -  crazy fierce music be happening peeps - don't miss out on the beauty.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A Challenge

I will preface this by saying it may not make sense to everyone who reads this blog - and I hope not to alienate anyone - this is just a personal musing.

I will be starting seminary in September - do I plan on becoming a pastor - no, however, if I am being truthful with myself, it is something I would love to do in some format.  I have a vision of a community home in a lower socio-economic area and having it be an open place for a meal, help with school and a place of safety and community.  A safe place is something that I know personally is so rare in this world.  A place where children and adult can know peace and love and practical help.  I am not the originator of this concept, they're actually in most major cities - neo-monastic homes where people work to daily serve their communities on a practical format. If you're interested I can give more info - but it isn't the point of the blog.

When I sat down with my mentor/pastor this week, we came back to this, and the feeling that I need to/want to pursue this - that this despite the gaps between here and there.  I had that feeling again this morning.  A direct challenge to see what I refuse to see and deny what I want to see - what I want.  I am struggling against a future I do not know.  A future that in moments seems so very clear and then I'm enveloped in the clouds.

There is a hymn we sang today that I keep coming back to and a reminder, a voice if you will, that came to me while I was out at what felt like an un-godly hour with N running.  Your beauty, your worth to Me, is more than what you see, is that not enough to follow and fill you.  *Sigh*

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I Also Fail At Change

But...and this is a big BUT, I do better with change if it is a repeated change.  But I guess that means it isn't really a change, or does it?

BR moved out yesterday - the house is empty.  Back in 2009 when AR moved out this reality scared me shitless.  Yes as an adult woman I was having a mental breakdown over living alone.  I couldn't do it - I had nightmares, I slept with the lights on in the house, with the radio on, checking the doors multiple times in the night.  It was also the time AB and I were in effect not pseudo dating - we weren't dating at all, but he was the one I knew would be up at 2am if I had a rough night.  Well that lead to him being requested to spend his nights at chez moi and all hell broke lose and well that is true and it's not - and that is a whole blog in itself.  Which reminds me - I should discuss that at some point.  My rational behind that whole shmazzle

This week as been a week of change - sans hair I have grown to love - my Dita-ness is gone.  I have been reminded to send in my tuition deposit to school and apply for student loans and now I have a BR-less home.  It is weird.  It is cold.  It is sort of haunting - her stuff is in a lot of places.  Not that I really mind.   If I stop and think about it - I'm a student and I was just gifted a toaster - which needs to be GF'd, a coffee machine, towels and a few other things.  Sweet!  The new roommate is moving in at the end of the month... right now I am just trying to enjoy the space, silence and the ability to walk around the house in whatever I want (L you were a bad influence on me)...

Back to the school thing my pastor/mentor/friend has suggested that school is going to be a good thing for me - more change - change, change, change.  That it will encourage me to move forward in life and my understanding of myself, God and all that...  I guess I need to get on embracing that as there is a big reading list before I start... 

So on the note of change - BRING ON SPRING!

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Balance is something I've never been good at. Really, and truly I almost always fail at it - falling under or over a target.

X and I have been struggling with this, more so I have been struggling with it. Feeling like I can't find the right speed for anything - the physical, the emotional, the relational. I know there is no perfect, no right moment for anything - or "right" speed. Some people find themselves in relationships going the speed of light towards marriage and babies and are at complete peace - and no I'm not referencing Katie and Tom and that shitastic thing. But I think we all know those people. And others, they take a long time to even say I love you, never mind settle. I keep trying to remind myself that we all have a speed, and you can like in driving slow down. You cannot necessarily retrace your steps but you can try to work through them again.

I've been asked if he's the one. I don't know - I am beginning to realize just how much my relationship with CEF scarred and scared me in the whole serious dating business. AB was well AB and most of my big indiscretions there came via alcohol - except thankfully or not thankfully when it came to us having sex. Funny enough the fooling around was done while various stages of intoxicated, the sex, completely sober. Hmmm. Well enough unpacking of that. Back to CEF - X is not the same - but the fear is still there... guess life itself is going to have to work through that fear with me.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine's Day

I had girl's night with Ms. J and a friend - I got my GF pizza to satisfy my craving and we watched Whip It - I have a serious girl crush on Ellen Page. But that is not the point - the GF brownies are done and iced for work tomorrow - my pink blouse is out. I think that Valentine's Day works best when you embrace it in your own way. It won't go away and hating on it doesn't really help.

So on that note - check out this lovely new artist I found courtesy of BRAVO tv, it is a hell of a lot better then hearing I Will Always Love You at 11am in WF... gah.

Crossing One More Off the Bucket List

Blond Hair! Now I have officially been every "natural" color - blond to black and almost every length from butt length to short short (a lot shorter then this new length)... My apologies for the bad bathroom lighting.



Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Soundtrack at the Moment

I love music.  I may not love all the same music as X and vice versa - but I think it is fair to say we both consider the presence of  a musical soundtrack in our lives.

The songs getting high rotation right in my brain right now:

Don't You Wanna Stay - Why? I have to confess love the sound of both their voices, and together, well honey - don't you wanna stay? I do.

Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not? - Song lyrics that sound better as song lyrics than as a conversation are always good.

Dance Me to the End of Love - it's the Civil Wars, enough said

What Do You Want? - Reminds me of AB, it is actually one of those songs that sounds better as lyrics than as a conversation - a conversation I should have when he decides to drop in next time regardless of whether he is sober or not - even though the song isn't completely relevant at this time.  If you're wondering who the lady is, it's Rachel Bradshaw.

Who Are You When I'm Not Looking? - Song makes me smile and also makes me self conscious as I've been pretty much living alone for the last year - I think I have some interesting habits - which is one of the many reasons I don't like living alone, I think it would fully develop L's penchant for stripping the minute she walked in the door.

Things that make me smile...

I'm having a little emotionally bumpy week (for lots of reasons) but fear not it is on the upswing.  I have decided to embrace the changes - the life and hair changes - goodness I think I should have done this whole hair thing on impulse and not after dwelling on it for months.  The best way to embrace change is with something new - like new shoes.  And shoes are the best thing for making me feel better - Ms. J actually has many pictures of me in NYC gawking at shoes in window displays.


Yes it official I have had enough of winter - bring on the skirts and the cute shoes.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Epic Hair Cut of 2011

Saturday is D-day and I'm getting nervous - I know it is just hair - but well it's been a good year and a half growing to get to this length.  Funny thing is I saw my other PU for the first time in a long long time and she said she actual hates the dark and the long.  Huh.  Funny Ms. J is fighting hard for long and dark...

So I am going to let you all weight in on the length option:

While I do love the one on the bottom - that hair cut will be quite frankly a NLLL to grow out, the one above not so much.  They both have bangs which I know will make X very happy....

So what is your opinion - I have been red, black, brown and all lengths from short short to butt length hair - so I could keep growing, I could dye it another color, or I could go for the big plunge considering I seem to be all about making those kinds of changes at the moment.   If need be I will try to load up a picture of myself currently before the big cut.  I do promise a before and after on Saturday for sure - fear not.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Requested Update

One of my lovely friends - and past roommate, L, sent me an urgent request via FB for an update. 

I would like to apologize first by saying that this past weekend and the subsequent events have wiped me out.  So let's recap - I flew to Houston last Friday morning - long cab ride - discovered that Houston like other southern cities has no downtown life - I had this problem in Oklahoma City when I ran there (and I wasn't GF at that time).   So needless to say the weekend was not ideal in many ways - but X was there so that at least kept me sane or I think I might have spent a lot of time crying wondering why in the world I was doing this again... If you haven't gathered marathon weekend is oddly more stressful than the race.  Whatever I'm going to another one - yes it is less then a week out from doing it and I'm not recovered yet - but I love it - hard to explain - I'll save that for the other blog when it gets fixed up.

So I got back on Monday to work stress, a hurting body, while I haven't had a child I am going to be daring and say it's like my body gave birth on Sunday - I couldn't sit, walk down small ramps or get in and out of my PU's Civic etc AND my monthly visitor arrived along with some airplane sniffles.  Now this fabulous trifecta would have resulted in an ER visit last year due to some kind of infection/illness.  This time - this time I kicked it ALL!! Bless you healthier body.  Finally a clear indication we are on the long road to some kind of stable health. 

On Monday I met with a roommate potential - did I mention BR is moving out - yep, another change. So this lovely lady confirmed on Thursday - one less stress - I have a new roommate for March 1.  Well I guess it's one less stress - now begins the long process of cleaning, clearing and rearranging.  I have decided to try and purge down again and reorganize what I can to simplify my life and routine.  So the rest of the month is going to be devoted to trying to figure out where to put things where they are useful for me and clear up space for her.

On Thursday my boss sat down with me - I need to take time off in March (when he takes time off he likes someone to take time off and so it's me this time).  The first thing he said after that request - you can go visit X.  Yes that would be lovely - we're trying to figure out that. It's not a short trip nor is it a cheap trip - so that will need to be worked out.

So as to X - he's going to be my first Valentine ever.  Yep I was that girl who benefited from the mass forced Valentine hand out in elementary school, never dated in high school and in university and post university has had enough success to warrant this blog... So poor X, I'm a little excited about the whole thing.  I think the fun will die off after this year but right now it's fun.  And yet at the same time I have this slight gag reflex at what our office looks like - Michael's Valentine's Day department seems to have up-chucked pink, hearts and obscene amounts of glitter all over the place.

Yep so that's a little of the run down around here - I promise I will come up with more thrilling information - right now it just seems like life is moving crazily fast and changing so much that I don't know where to start when I sit down at the computer.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Times Are A Changin'

Well I have decided that I have had enough of being worried about the return of CEF into my personal or interweb space. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going change the format, but I am going to simplify my blogging (I have two non-linked blogs apart from this one) and make some personal and somewhat public changes.

Change 1: As noted above - I'm going to merge my Gluten Free sometimes Dairy/Soy Free food blog with my Running Blog - and once that is done, that will be linked here at S&P central command.

Change 2: I'm chopping off a large chunk of my hair (read: several inches) and dyeing it blond.  Why?  Well one - because I can, and two because I am ready even for a few months to say good bye to my most public statement of change.  I dyed my hair and chopped off my "wedding" growth and more when CEF was booted from my life.  So this change is to say in the most metaphoric way possible - I have found light in my life - in peace and joy.  In the beautiful friends like Ms J who have found ways to hold tight to someone who was so very often coming unglued.

Change 3: As noted, I like to run.  I will say that even today as my ability to tackle stairs, chairs, ramps, curbs and even toilets is seriously limited - I truthfully love to run.  Why?  Because running is my body's reminder to me that you can do it.  Even when you don't think you can, even when it all seems to come unhinged, one foot in front of the other.  When I stopped running away from the pain in my life and towards it with the help of amazing people - it was no longer terrifying.  It hurt, just like the 26.2 miles I did on Sunday hurt like hell.  My body didn't want to do, it really really didn't want to do it, but it did.  SO, on that note I have decided when I run my next marathon to do it for a Rape/Sexual Assault NGO.  I know you can run for Cancer, you can run for Water, you can run for Clean Water - all are great things to run for, but for me, I wanted to be able to move to the place in my life where I can own my survivor-ship.  Where I can say publicly: I know the statistics, I know I am not alone and I know that it shouldn't be a secret - the shame has to end and that starts within me.

Change 4: Even though I'm not single as of a few days ago (long story that I've promised will not become blog material). But that does not mean the fun is going to stop around here - oh no no no - the dating world continues on - and no that also does not mean that I'm not devoted to X - I just know there is enough crazy sh*t going on in this world of non-married folk, whether they be single or not to not comment on it. And so I will.