The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

Step Back - She's Going to Blow - Part 1 of Many on the State of the Non-Union

Which is a helpful warning that I'm going to be venting here rather than sending him NLLL word laced emails about what the NLLL is wrong with him.

Quite frankly as someone very used to one side of the counselling chair and a little on the other, I know he's got issues - hell we all do and I know that those are present right now, like his inability to own his own shit and so it's mine to deal with.

Case in point - and yes this will come as a surprise to some of you. We struggled with maintaining the line of "intimacy" which is polite language for sex. He has in each of his dating relationships and I guess I have too but well that's ones more complicated but whatever, lets just for the sake of owning things call it equal.

So we knew it would be a struggle, we started on the same page verbally but alas that didn't work - so needless to say it happened. We talked about the fact that while he could I couldn't ethically etc. we trying to work every angle of how to structure the relationship back to non-sex land. It did eventually work itself out and then abruptly in January he started asserting the other boundaries.  My stuff was no longer welcome, my drawer started to thin out, my food was no longer welcome and things changed. I figured that the lack of sex was the issue. Well I couldn't change that but figured we would ride through that.

Turns out the issue wasn't the lack, it was that there had been any at all. I am a grade A slutty harlot who stood between him and Jesus. And you know what I'm going to own that - not because I agree or that I am but if you cannot own that you initiated the majority, that you wanted that kind of a relationship than that's your shit but you cannot put it on me. I have mine to deal with and I own it as un-proud as it makes me feel.

I'm not proud - it was hard and having both of us effectively live alone didn't help - boundaries you are a challenging beast. But I will not be shamed or blamed.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Brene Brown

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

It Seems I Am Conflicted

And surprise, well surprise to me, it isn't about the person I have spent the majority of the last few years writing about, actually that's not true it seems...

It seems I have spent a lot of time whining about the Douche. A LOT. Hrmmm.

And it seems I've oscillated between blinding stabbing rage posts to questions about being possibly afflicted with Stockholm syndrome.  This man has gotten under my skin without me really being aware of it. I was aware he annoyed me but it seems annoyance and attraction are trying to pull some kind of blurred-lines-bait-and-switch thing.

Here is the problem I am now faced with, now that I'm aware that once I clearly saw myself on one side of this fence that apparently I'm perched on it, and even worse I'm not sure where to go. Yes KAB would say that this is a sign that truly I have lost my marbles as she wouldn't say what I would say as she is far classier. So what am I going to do.

Nothing.

Seriously.

I am serious.

I know he's in going through things that would make dating not feasible - and yes I know starting with that point is making KAB squirm. Actually more to the present issue, his emotions for whatever reason effect me, a lot and I am not sure how to explain why or how. It sounds hokey to say I read people and I'm normally pretty good, I'm not suggesting an average but the majority. He apparently I can read really well because he's not attempting to hide his emotions. Most people would think that his daily "Hi" is roughly the same from day to day. I don't see that and most often that comes out as me being pissed with him for his dramatic to me oscillations, but now the problem is, the converse for me, is wanting to care.

I do not want to care because I cannot. I can care for a lot of people and love people and pour into people going through rough spots and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is in our Friday conversation he opened up and yet he didn't. There was a wall, a big one, and I'm sane enough to not think that if I sit long enough on the world side of that wall that eventually he'll think about dismantling it. Sure I might try the occasional knock when I sense that he's having a better day than the usual grumpy days.

So what does this all mean?

Patience.

I'm trying to sort out the feelings where they belong while trying to not, as I said to Ms. J yesterday, punch the next person who suggests we like each other. I have no desire for a Mr. Darcy-Elizabeth show down unless it comes with Matthew Macfadyen

So It Repeats AGAIN...

I am becoming daily all the more tempted to write the following letter to these men who are looking for this mystery feminine woman.

Dear EH Man,

I am wondering about your profile, it seems that you and most Christian men seem to be looking for a "feminine woman" to make you feel like a man. Would you mind explaining this to me? The reason I'm confused is as a woman I have never felt the need to turn any man or woman to make me feel like a woman, as well I am biologically so. Are you then looking for a woman who is prepared to inflate your own understanding of socially constructed gender identity by being a submissive, never questioning woman who functions as your other half, without herself being a whole independent person, with her own voice.

Thanks,

Questioning

 

EH Update 1

Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.

So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.

So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.

The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.

As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.

"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"

Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.

And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.

So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:

Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

I Blame the Mulled Wine

I have a non-date date with Mr. Brilliant (that's what I am going to call him) thought I am sure, Mr. Bombastic would have been an appropriate name although that one was taken a while ago.  He offered a ticket on his FB wall and I starred at it for what seemed like an eternity, I'm sure FB will say that eternity was a minute or even less 45 seconds.  And then I said yes, please take me.  Followed by panic, or maybe that anxiety was from the fact that I had a whole day to work on this bloody paper and I spent it resting.  So yes, thanks to some amazing mulled wine (which had minimal alcohol content) I have a non-date date on Thursday night. To add to that, he and I have yet to have any kind of actual conversation to date and my body having its usual anxiety facial eczema attack - this isn't going to be one bit of an awkward evening, not one bit.

Just a little fun song - don't read too much into it

Life is Weird

I think we all know that, but I mean some days I seriously wonder about things, like how we can wander around so close to amazing things happening and then tumble into them.  I would love to tell you all about the amazing day I had, unfortunately no work has come out of it, and there might be some in the future, but it was a good connection day.  Good, good stuff - no men stuff in that good, good stuff - yay me, doing healthy stuff for me stuff.

And then this evening as I groan about the status of things on-line while chatting with X, I felt like reviewing our little Blog Boy listing and thinking about who is where and who should be crossed off for other purposes and I paused at DB's name.  It's always been one I've struggled with, primarily because he's been in many ways the mythological man in my life who has in the past represented all the things I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I haven't had that feeling for a long time, basically since I started therapy and realized that I needed to fall in love organically, none of this make a list shit.  But that doesn't mean that DB of make a list shit fame doesn't in some small way haunt me in rare moments like this.  So what do you do when someone haunts you and is well not actually dead.  You Google them of course!  And according to the brilliance of Google it turns out DB and I are practically neighbours!  How after living in this neighbourhood going on 6 years have he and I one never run into each other in the only freaking grocery store for like miles and miles (doesn't this always happen in the movies) and two weird.   Even weirder is he's like two blocks away from this good connection I just made.  I kind of feel like I'm being prepared to exorcise this haunt.  I do not feel like I've been prepared enough other than to not freak out when the time comes to do the deed and release it all. Cryptic and weird - yes.  But I think that's what happens when said person was the entirely unattainable hot older brother of a shitty friendship that you really only held onto for said older brother.  It's all NLLL, but yes we are talking about me and men so that's not so surprising now is it.

And if you're wondering if I'm going to start running past his house, goodness no, quite the opposite.

Again unrelated music - but it's awesome, so there.

Wear and Tear

My room-mate and I were having a discussion about younger men this past weekend.  I have been trying to get my head around the idea of dating someone younger for two reasons.  One because I think someone completely sweet is interested in me.  I think he's nice and I because I think he's nice I might on the off chance that there could be something more consider a date.  If he asked - at this rate he is definitely moving at a snails pace.  And who knows maybe the idea of dating someone 4 years older is a little bit of an issue for him - aside from him being smaller than me in every way.  That issue aside - in a general sense I know there are some really good catches at school they're just all in the 4-8 years younger range.  If you're wondering why the gap - there are a lot of new straight from their undergraduate people and then there are the rest of us near or over thirty who have worked or done other degrees - I having done both.   At the end of the conversation, my room-mate and I agreed that the age isn't so much of an issue and the life experience.  I want a man with a little wear and tear in his life, especially on his heart and soul.  I think your twenties are the time you bash yourself around a little bit, you figure out first hand why you believe something, why you love and even more generally what you love.  And while I don't think there is anything wrong with young people getting married - they normally do the experiencing together or they're completely oblivious to it.  But as someone well beyond that, I am very aware of what my decade-ish difference in experience has provided me with.

So bottom line - as cute as that 22 year old is, as charming as he might be - I cannot in good conscience even consider it knowing in the back of my brain, I'll be thinking of how many miles I've put into life, when he's still in many ways still just figuring out the basics of momentum.

Not Right

I marched into the Interfaith Center today an hour before my meeting - I knew doing so would increase my chances of seeing Mr. Bombastic, but I did not to actually see him and secondly I really did not expect the weird emotional response. I had butterflies and the related shyness when we acknowledged each other.  Dude, self, not okay.  I have no desire to know why I had those butterflies.  All I need to know is when they happen the calm, confident adult female I am goes AWOL.  Boo to all of it.  Hopefully next week the feelings will not remain. Why?  Because to be honest I would rather flirt with him, enjoy that banter and leave it at that, he's in an "it's complicated" space and I'm in I want to a relationship and if I can't have that then I will take just the superficial flirting and leave the rest space.

Bah! Eck!...

So BB was super nice to me this morning bailed me out of a jam with regards to I failed at my payroll duties thus leaving me without the money to pay for coffee etc this morning... so I was going to repay him with money and some food since BB has been so generous.  Problem is... BB being nice and me being nice back because that is the polite thing to do, is also the most efficient way to send mixed signals.  Now Houston we have a problem.  The kind of problem that makes the can of baked beans I ate not want to stay in my stomach.

I will say I have no problem being rejected, I can totally work with that, as I being a grown woman I know how to process it's not you it's me bs and I get it - I can deal with that.  I however can't be that woman to say it's not you it's me - because in the case of CEF and BB and others it has been them.  BB is sweet, but he's one hell of a broken man and I am not in the business of sewing hearts back together and weeding through more bs, lies and all sorts of issues in the hopes of finding someone who is able to walk with me through life.  I can't do that - I tried to do that with CEF, but knowing that I can't talk to another man, go out with my girls for the fear that I might talk to a guy. Sure a little jealousy keeps the passion alive and all that shit but in the end - that which burns red hot has a tendency to consume the bonds of trust really quickly.  Anyways I digress I was really really hoping that BB's departure for a far far away continent to work would make my life easier but I guess not...

Birthday Wish

I have finally decided what I want for my birthday this year - NO MORE TESTS!

I would like to take this opportunity to run down all the tests/appointments I've had in the last 12 months, which we could actually just say the last 6 months... this list is also my grand thank you to accessible health care because I can just imagine the kind of debt I would have if I had to consider paying for all of these:

September
General Practitioner visit (GP)
Sinus X-ray
Ear Nose Throat (ENT) visit - nose scope

October
Head/Neck MRI

November
General Practitioner visit

January
General Practitioner visit x 2

March/February
General Practitioner visit

March
Allergist - skin testing
General Blood work
Allergy Blood work
Tested also for STI's, Autoimmune, Parasites, Organ failure - via blood and stool (I know you wanted to know that)

April
Acupuncture

May
Acupuncture
Allergist (no answers)
Chest x-ray
General Practitioner - Physical (oh fun times)
More blood work!!

June
Abdominal and Pelvic ultrasound

I have to say there better not be anymore - I refuse, well I refuse to see anyone but my very nice and possibly handsome sports med doc (he's married) so I go just to talk to him - he's just super nice... not the point though - I want good health and no more tests.

As an aside there is much talk that everything is just stress related, and yes while I have gone through at lot of stress in the last few years a part of me wants to say that this just is damn well not fair and I know life isn't fair, but here's the deal.  I left a toxic (read:abusive) relationship with my ex-fiance and my mother and received and still receive therapy for other and related abuses, I've head my shit together for the most part, sure balls were dropped etc, but why when this was in the end the right thing to do is my body crapping out on me.  HELLO, you think you would be happy, aware that this is all good and a bazillion times better than being married to CEF and likely knocked up and around a few times...  Anyways Wednesday morning rant for y'all

Okay World Enough!

Enough already with the highs and lows. I got the class that I registered for and then didn't get into but well you know the saga. After hours and hours of stalking the registration website I got in - awesome! 

But the daily dose of awesome ended there - I'm having an I feel exhausted, fat, ugly, ____ day - we all have them, no sense hiding it.  So it didn't help when I logged into FB to send a friend (Pastor type friend) a FB message that I would be late for coffee today, on the new feed was a slew of photos of AB and his gin tasting party.  Now I felt no slight in not being invited, but the issue is this:  I will wholly support an ex or non-ex having a positive relationship with someone (previous blog case in point), but if you have in your own words labelled a female a loose, drama loving, nowhere in life going person, who you don't actually want to be "friends with," then why do you have dozens upon dozens of photos with her clinging to you like a used piece of toilet paper.  She is not someone you should be dating.  And NO this is not where I say, pick me, ooo ooo, pick me.  This is where I want to slap you, remind you that you are 31 and not 13 and trashy ho's, or cheaters (the one before me) are only going to break your heart, cause drama and more importantly not promote anything positive in your life, except escapism.  But escapism is what it is, and it is frustrating to see it.  He's not the only guy who seems to get to this place in life where good friendships die and fluff abounds.  So AB get your shit together, or maybe I might just say you two deserve each other, but my pride won't let me at the moment.  Why? Well the other grand truth to that would be that I fell for and shared something very personal with a complete and utter douche and that is a really hard pill to swallow.  I am by no means not saying that is not the case, just I swallow enough nasty tasting vitamins in reality, I don't know if I am up for a emotional/mental one right now

PS. I am so, so tempted to put the photo up here...

Half of My Heart...

Knows that it's going to have to put it's desire for a cuddle in the fading light of a Sunday afternoon away and embrace this shaky journey I've started. I know in many ways my pursuit of graduate school has really nothing to do with being single and/or picky, but the increasing weight of it is making realize that it is my relationship, for now. I will have to find comfort in the books that I'm plowing through, that my weekend adventures with Ms J will become centered on things unrelated to boys/men. So on that note you might find that my desire to write ebbs and flows and for that I'm extremely sorry. I know that as Anne Lamott says " writing is for some of us the latch that keeps the door of the pen closed, keeps these crazy ravenous dogs contained" and it is very much like that for me, but I also find that running does equally well with keeping the random ADD nature of my brain on ice...

So on that note I'm going to find some John Mayer, the open bottle of Pinot Gris in the fridge and make a very extensive Graduate school reading list to aid my GRE language exam

I'm Ready...

So we know I did a major purging and rearranging of my room in preparation for:

1. My GRE study books
2. My accessory reading
3. Marathon prep - I have to be organized.
4. For the day in which I stop having to fight to forget, the day when the memories slowly disappear - you know that Harry Potter version of memory removal would be fabulous. Absolutely - someone get on that. Me? Well I'm going to go to bed with one thing on my wind, why on God's green and blooming Earth did I have ice cream - oh owie you know that is the worst form of dairy product to enter your system...

More Leona:

Babies!

I held a 2 month old little boy today - who snuggled sleepily into my neck as I carried him down two flights of stairs. Our lift is not in service so his mom was helped down with the stroller and one of my staff carried his sister... Holding that little precious life was a very very unfair biological teaser. I joked I would have happily taken him home. I know that day will come in some form, but it's hard. I know N is struggling with her birthday this year. The feeling that even as HSBFF says, none of us feels really grown up yet. So as I realize I will have to throw myself with wild unhindered almost bizarrely narrow minded abandon at my application for a PhD program, I wonder when I'll feel like I've made it into the world of adulthood, when those milestones come will they feel like it?

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/seandreilinger/289152748/

PS I was going through my other life blog archives and was reminded of this beautiful singer - and her song which I dearly love for two different reasons 1 and 2 though of course she has other lovely music

An Update

I made mention that I was going to see how BB was doing these days. A little back story so you don't have to read the last post, though you can... In the beginning of our interaction, he seemed sweet, attentive and well normal (you can see where this is going). He disappeared from Sbucks quite suddenly and then low and behold reappeared on Saturday morning as I stumbled in rather scantily clad in my opinion in a sweaty tank and running skirt (which is easily 3 inches shorter than I would ever dare to wear a skirt under normal circumstances). The same day he slipped his number under my bagel and I went home thinking weee, I have a date with a guy who might be less commitment phobic than AB (and that nothing would be "wrong" with him). So being that I hate the phone, I texted him to set up a date*, and was greeted with a seemingly unending sequence of lovely dovey texts. Red flag - big massive red flag, like size of China red flag. But being that I felt like making AB jealous and being the never quit kind of girl I thought I would give him a chance. I picked him up from work that Saturday afternoon - at which time I will confess it was the last place on earth I wanted to be given that I had run 10miles that morning. But I went. And it went downhill fast. In the first 5 minutes in the car I wanted to inflict pain to myself. In the following 15 minutes I wanted to inflict pain on him. Why? He gave me more personal history in those 20minutes than I gave to my therapist in the first year of therapy after CEF and it was the REAL SKELETONS, not the ones in your high school biology class. I smiled my way through lunch knowing that as my therapist says, "Fake 'til You Make It" could get me through. Fake I am enjoying it, fake that he doesn't scare me in that ewww I know WAY TOO much about you kind of way... So the issue then was this...

He gave me free Sbucks every morning... now I am in many ways a practical girl, at nearly 5 dollars a pop - that is 25/week I could smile, flirt, do whatever in platonic terms it took to get my Grande Soy Earl Grey Tea latte. Or so I thought. See the problem was he was like a 14 year old girl in love and I the unsuspecting 19 year old guy. The bigger problem was the back hugs. Back hugs are not mutual. If you hug me from behind, I am not participating, simple as that. I would cringe and normally facing the barista behind the bar, they would see the pained look on my face that I never tried to hide. I stopped going. There is no way on God's green Earth that I am that desperate.

He texted on New Years - a really really cringe worthy text. So... this week when I got desperate enough for tea and short enough on change that I really really wanted a freebie, I was shocked when I got the cold shoulder. No note on my cup, no back hug, no hi, no nothing, not even a free latte. So this would be where Ms. J would stop laughing and say this is a good thing. I am sure it is but I want a free latte. So I guess in the end I need to whore myself out to someone else, boo.

Now just in case you are wondering - I have done it before, and I will do it again - Sbucks owes me as I have single handily put at least one barista through university if not two.

Continuing on my love of SYTYCD - and someone else other than BB, take note of Ms. Stone's request and get on it.

CEF and the Challenges of Dating (Using Bullet Points)

In reference to a comment on a previous blog I have decided to parade out on of the skeletons in my closet, that oddly affects my ability to date.

We all have skeletons - this one happens to be a 6ft plus skeleton of CEF... Now I will say that my main reason never to talk about him is well it's a small world and the last thing I need is in this small world to have him find me under a new open frequency - the rest have been closed to the best of my ability - so I will say if for some bizarre reason the story resonates - you think you know him - please keep it our little secret - it avoid me filing that restraining order I'd been meaning to do and shutting down this blog like the last one and other events that would follow.

Okay on to more happy talk, or something like that - actually you may like I am going to, go get a mug of Baileys with coffee added or something appropriate to make this go down a little cheery.

I don't limit my sharing to the blog, no I am one with little self censorship - with the life I've had to this point and more importantly the jobs I have had - it's meh seen it all, what's the point in candy coating it. That however does not work for the whole get to know you process. I have found that dates don't mind some aspects, however the flashing sign a mile high saying RUN, is the fact that I was once engaged.

I have taken that fear to mean:

1. I was/could be now ready for big commitment which I guess could be intimidating for some, though if you're not and 29-35 I guess it's a good thing I know that now and not say 6 months from now when you pull out some closet Peter Pan like shit.

2. I was either dumped therefore permanently scared or possibly a little off (which I am anyways - we all are, just saying) and or I did the dumping and thus can be a cruel heartless bitch.

I can. I was. And note I will be if the need presents itself again. I dumped my abusive, controlling, seriously missing a few marbles fiance on his manipulating sloth like ass. It was brutal. My people pleasing self felt like a bitch greater than Janice Dickinson, and sure it crushed me. BUT I will never apologize for it - because if someone is expecting me to apologize then well they would be implying:

1. I had the foresight to see that once I got engaged that CEF wouldn't become the controlling nutbar he became

2. I should have gone along with it - got married, moved half way across the Northern Hemisphere to become his mother/shrink/pet/victim and ultimately party to the lie he built for the world to see.

So that was long and a little interesting and maybe or most likely made you feel like Googling pictures of puppies. I know that the dating world is cruel and vulnerability is a harsh thing - but the point to all this sharing is - in bullet points again.

1. I will say that it gets better - that's why I blog - though it's not a witness to the getting the better part, oddly the opposite.

2.For me and everyone else dating, remember that it's a messy process but do you do to remain vulnerable, laugh and keep your head up - we're all in this together. That means none of you get to find someone before I do....

My solutions: I bitch, laugh, run and became the girl with a bottle of vodka in her freezer at ALL times, because we know that it is always my friend - gin and tequila are not.

January 24, 2010 8:52 AM

In Defense of Twilight

Preface: Of the limited facts I disclose about myself I will say this I have a BA English. I believe that literature is like food, there is good food full of complex flavors, the kind that is served at Craft, there is the food that sustained you through your life to this point (in theory staples vegetables, starches and proteins) and then there is what I eat every 28 days or so - a bag of baked Kettle Chips and a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper. Twilight is the literary equivalent of the chips and pop. It is good for a moment, it does its duty. However, it is not the complexity of Rushdie or Woolf nor is it the sustaining foundation of Chaucer or Shakespeare. *Deep Sigh*

For men - you don't need to understand Twilight, that is sort of the point that you wouldn't. You wouldn't be expected to read any "chick-lit" and understand it, let alone enjoy it. It's okay you have already been absolved of any involvement in it. However I understand that you want to know what the fascination/attraction is. Vampires. Simple as that, at the heart of every straight laced daughter, girlfriend, mother, wife is a little mini daredevil who wants that crazy kind of love that has danger that they never bat an eye at. This is "clean" danger - no drugs, no alcohol, no laws broken and no one will fault you for it - it's the best of both worlds.

On the subject of vampires I must say that maybe due to my age or just his more "bad" nature Spike from Buffy is still the best... I digress. It's not just about vampires though because as our current run on vampire theme programs shows vampires come in all different sexual fantasy formats...
So why the whole Edward and Bella, Bella and Jacob and Bella and Edward again saga, well it's simple:

1. Desire -Every woman of sane mind wants to be wanted by someone they want to be wanted by. Ie. we are discriminate to a point - may my high school grad date be an example - when you're the last one they've asked and you can't remember talking to them at that point - they are not in that previously noted category - AB would be... Bella gets this with Edward and then with Jacob to some respect.

2. Heartbreak - Good old fashion heart ripped from its sockets being left with a hole to be soaked and preserved with tequila, brined with tears and stuffed full of Black Cherry ice cream. If you are too young to have one it's glamorous, if you've put enough miles on your heart it somehow makes you feel like a veteran comparing battle wounds.

3. Lust - I think we've started to crack this one - but here's the deal as part of 1 - Bella has the "hots" for Edward, Jacob has them for Bella and I am sure if Edward had a soul he would for Bella... but here's the important part. Most women due to some wiring get more "frisky" shall we say when there is all the other emotions involved - like love, trust, security etc. The whole book is written like this - Edward and Bella fall in love in the perfect fairytale format, deep, trusting, transparent and slightly gritty. And it's repeated in the friendship turned other format with Jacob. Both formats have the female readers engrossed and then all lusty for whichever character is involved.

4. Danger - as mentioned above - loving the boy who is no good for you - it's a disease - some of us kick it, some of us don't...

5. Disney - for the love of fish sticks when you were 4, every woman who has read these books has been brainwashed by Disney, we all somewhere flick the switch when reading the books that say it will happen, it will be beautiful and easy and he'll devote himself eternally to me.... yadda yadda, cue the Prince from the Little Mermaid and me frolicking in the sea...

As to the movies, well the movies are trashy - they are actually quite horrible in that Jacob is jail bait for the large majority of the audience and yet when he takes of his shirt in New Moon the sounds of the cat calls and whistles was oddly humorous... anyways. Men fear not you need not like, love or even accept the books just don't tell Ms. J that I believe Edward sheds sparkles, and as long as everyone remains Team Spike/Buffy we'll all be good...