Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I spent 8 fucking hours with BV yesterday and all I got was a little side hug, like if you are not interested then lie, I don't care if you ditch me after the coffee and a walk, go for it, but don't go for dinner and then a movie and then walk me up Hastings to the bus stop at Main, wait for the bus to come for me and then give me a shitty hug and no further response. This is what I would like to clarify for the men as MIXED signals. Yes folks that it is fair to say is mixed, because your actions say you wanted to spend time with me thus the 8 hours, hell I stuck around because of that, and yet NOTHING. All I would like, all any girl would like is, if you are interested, which your actions are implying you are, is one a decent hug and maybe I'll call you or even if you are really interested another activity or something. It isn't that complicated, no sweeping romantic gestures needed, dude not looking for flowers, candlelight or a romcom to be the next movie choice, just a little sense of direction. So maybe I'm just burnt out, maybe I'm frustrated, maybe I just feel like a looser, like after you go on endless job interviews and while they seem to be good, apparently they're not... I don't know but there you go.
Run down of yesterdays events - coffee, jazz fest, bird poos on BV, wait for BV to get cleaned up, walk, talk, walk and walk and talk, get tired, have dinner - my credit card is decline - equal embarassment day, walk in the pouring rain minus the umbrella - and I in white, BV picks movie, walks me to bus stop, I text when home safe and that would be the night. I ended up confused, unable to sleep and so of course texted AB - for the love of mini doughnuts, it is all one big freaking mess.
*or pseudo dates or even date dates
Friday, June 26, 2009
To add, when do I have to choose - that is to say I'm totally upselling myself believing that that absolutely horrible moment is going to happen... yes horrible that would be, no? As well AR believes that I need to find me a theme song, so while Beyonce believes a Diva is a female version of a hustler, I believe that a diva I am not, and Fiddy's PIMP isn't quite right, I leave you with the oft played:
The only down side is if either of these remotely works out, I feel like I should thank OM - second thought is that really that awful - hey OM, you may be a douchebag, tool or whatever reference that has been used in recent months by AR, N or Ms. J to describe you, but thanks to you I've gotten to have better times than you could have ever done...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Is not whether last night was a date, a date date or a pseudo date, no it is more what the hell is my life doing repeating itself in this way. Okay so I did really like, maybe even love BI, hey I think it was something I fell into, completely unconscious of the whole process in this bizarre way. But that was ages ago, years in fact, and yet maybe because of how it all came to be, it is still the litmus test for everything, bet that would surprise BI. I was talking to AR last night about it all, with BI in the beginning I would analyse every little thing, did he like me? did I like him? why did he do that, was that a sign? Blah, blah, blah...and on and on it went for a few weeks until I was like hmph, he'll figure it out if it he wants to, and sure enough he did. Ms. J even quipped well this is how it is suppose to work you know, you get to know someone and then if things change one thing leads to another and someone eventually chokes out those magical and painful words, I like you, like like you like you... ahh the blessed joy of it all. So ya, there you have it folks, no big flashy show, just life, nice and simple, and thankfully BI trained me, and now it is time to see how well he did...
PS. I wish life worked like the ball... but I guess it does you keep shaking it up until you get the answer you were looking for.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I basically become useless to the world after 9pm. So when I received a text at approximately 10:30 last night asking for the okay for AB to go to the movie without me, I gave him a pass, he said he'd make it up to me - words never to be said to S&P - see I have this craving for a butterscotch dipped cone from DQ and there is only one location that now sells it... Anywhos, I plead being just awoken, thus incoherent, though Ms. J is going to say AB has weaseled himself a huge soft spot and thus I gave mercy and the okay of my own volition. Really? Regardless what else was I going to say, NOOOO, screw your friends, I demand that you don't go and go with me... let's check that one for a moment. While it is fer sure (IT) that I'm not someones girlfriend, I not even like a bestest, so what freaking pull do I have without looking well insane? Never mind this got me to thinking, even if I was someone with some kind of relational standing, why should a movie matter? I can understand being pissed, if someone bailed on an agreed upon date/engagement like a wedding, funeral, baptism, graduation or other momentous event that in theory is only going to happen once. But a movie? AR is going with me and that's that, we move onwards...ya so cross the movie off the things to do list, hmm *shrug* whatever... still have dinner plans.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/13725832@N06/2851652049/ - yes I like the subject, sleep with my Crackberry, it's always within arm's reach if not closer.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
It is an oft discussed issue in my daily life, I love sleep, I LOVE it and not just like, or feel warm undefined feelings towards sleep. Sleep and I have a wonderful relationship where I devote 8 or more hours daily to its maintenance. However it seems that over the past few weeks and this week without question I am opting to change the dynamics of that relationship, opting for walks around Stanley Park, Sangria consumption, Coldplay (! - AWESOME), and apparently a pseudo-date on this Wednesday, we are by no means calling it anything beyond platonic - because well that is not the way this going to go down fer sure (intentional typo). It also isn't being defined as other because my Coldplay date waffled inregards to the intention of the asker... I figure I can cheat on sleep a little with coffee/caffeine and at the same time get on with this whole living business. As to the who, what and where's of Wednesday while the secret might be burning a hole through my email account/phone, it is going to stay where it is, hint though it has nothing to do with OM and we are all soooo glad about that, so unbelievably glad that has all left.
Friday, June 19, 2009
J looked at me with her all knowing motherly look of concern when I announced that I was intending on going to OM's fiesta. Really it's cheap booze (I get tipsy on like one glass of wine) and it's a recession, why the hell not? Actually there are plenty of other reasons and they all have to do with having a good time and torturing OM. Yes, why the hell not, not the torturing part, the having a good time, the torturing is just a fringe benefit to me enjoying myself. See as witness from the last event, everyone seems to be there with the intention of making new friends, new friends result in more new friends like AB, so in the knowledge that AB is likely just going to be an awesome transparent friend like the rest of the gaggle around here, I'm seeing what else is out there in the way of community in general. And hell if AB is interested well we will cross that bridge when it arises. So I will don my infamous blue dress, and no it is not infamous for any Monica Lewinsky like reasons, and see what a bottle of wine and some appies will get me, aside from the standard gropey hug and a few uncomfortable moments courtesy of OM.
Before all that I'll be trawling the stacks, I keep forgetting that I am apparently in school... nagging degree business this all is...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
J has a shiteous day at work and well I knew a little liquid courage wasn't going to do me any harm before I had to drop off the goodies. So we drank, discussed J's target DB and yes AB whom J has yet to meet and may be meeting sometime soon. After which I skedaddled over to AB house to drop off the cookies and then intended to go home and do the dishes, clean the house from the whirlwind of me running through it all, and so on and so forth... but that didn't happen, I got the tour of the place and then proceed to join AB and a gaggle of ladies which became other and then shifted in size down to just 4 of us for a long, oh very long walk, to the point where I was wondering if the buses were still running and AR called to make sure I was still alive... we talked, dished personal shit, and discussed the fringes of the whole CEF drama... (and no I did not bring it up - the conversation seemed to just get there via the others in the group's discussion of ended engagements - as J says it makes me sound mysterious - for me it makes me feel like a Charlotte, die hard romantic brainless fool...) it was nice and deja vu BI style. We've arranged other meetings and in the end it just seems like an organically developing friendship, and beyond that? We'll leave it where it is right now, it works for me, thank you.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The baked goods that is, just in case your minds weren't in the right place this morning...in that I'm making a jaunt to drop off some freshly made cookies this evening...
But that's not the point I'm really getting at while I baked/cooked and did my do diligence for almost 4 months with BI, the entire time I was in his cross hairs as J calls it and not the other way around. I spent the time unintentionally seducing him with either my cheesecake, my red hair or my shiteous taste in movies, regardless, food was involved. And since it's claimed that food is the way to a man's heart, I have since followed the belief, that since I'm not going to offer the slices for free,* I might as well offer homemade cookies. So if you start getting baked goods, especially those you claim to be your favorites, from me on a regular basis, while it may be out of my own consciousness of my waistline in combination with stress baking, it's likely because you've slipped into my cross hairs... I can't say that this the case for tonight's delivery, but it could be...
Here's to all the men unwittingly in cross hairs today, because well to be honest most of you are in some way shape or form, it's okay though, it's safe to leave your houses, it's aways been this way, from the moment you were born to the day you leave this world. It is for this reason that I wonder why there weren't more female secret agents, really we are plotting, scheming and well doing whatever we feel like to torture or seduce you... maybe that's why, we can't be trusted when men are involved.
I will leave you with the wise words of Ms. Adele: He would be hard to chase, But good to catch, and he could change the world, With his hands behind his back, oh...
*Wisdom courtesy of Stacey London, no boy is going to buy the loaf if you are handing out the slices for free, so cover yo'self up.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I just about fell over today when I was offered a discount on a venue. Something to work towards he joked, hahaha...and then I looked again, it would be an awesome venue. Okay schedule me in, give me 3 years, I think that's safe. No? Dear J before I have you at my door, or hunting me down in the grocery store, I did not book it though tempted. Anyways, it made me wonder have there been whispers down the pipeline that I've been getting out and about. It has always been my policy aside from blogging to keep the men in my life, minor or massively wrong out of the spotlight until the one blinding moment they are exposed to everyone in one go and then see how they survive. Suprisingly enough, I actually in theory test drove AB with everyone at my birthday, and OM had been run past J and failed (sort of), so hmm, I guess a new pattern is emerging though at this point none will be the person I will using to validate that venue booking. Oh J it's like the most amazing venue ever... and now I am going to get my paper bag, and my therapy journal and return myself to the present, where Martha Stewart does not reside with fairy wings made of vellum invitations...
Sunday, June 14, 2009
So yes this also relates to trips to the grocery store, the library and the local Vetern's hall, look smart, stay sharp and you just may snag you a honey, or at least a free bevy.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Have you ever found yourself writing someone off because of their name. Now I realize I now sound shallow and yes we might have found one good reason why I'm single, but actually I'm not that picky... Sure I've been noted as saying someone with the same last name would be wonderful, it would save me from having all my towels, stationary, pillowcases and bedding re-monogrammed. I have to say it was funny when discussing a person of the past with TBF(Tattooed Best Friend)she insisted he be dropped not for his doucheyness but rather his name... I think there's a reason she's still a best friend. Anyways I found myself writing out another name today and having the urge to recall the joys of elementary school by writing out my name with his last name, surrounding it with bubbly hearts and flowers, now we could chalk that up to the mocha light frappe I just downed in record speed since I have the heat on full in my office... or I've officially lost my brain and I need to be intervened with before someone (me) makes an ass of themselves... though that would just be a regular occurrence, so I don't know if I need an intervention for this one specific case or my non-endearing behavior in general, because it is apparently doing me no good, it's all not good...
Regardless please tell me this need has overcome one of you dear readers in the last decade...
Friday, June 12, 2009
Funny thing is right now I just love the song, it's the kind I want to play as the setting sun is filtering it's way into the kitchen, turn it up, open the back door, light a few candles and enjoy the rest of my wine, erstwhile washing the dishing and swaying (I don't dance) to the beat...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Well in regards to OM, apparently I'd have to be on crack if I think we'd work out, according to the heavens, sure OM's sign finds me as hot as a Las Vegas August afternoon, but beyond that it also finds me as annoying as one of those afternoons can be chaffing every last inch of you as you burn, melt and darn well get angered to high heavens - yep we can check that one off as successfully achieved... in the end it's a flash in the pan and that's about it, I've moved on as predicted and he's still figuring it all out...
As to the other labeled soul, apparently it could be "magical," hmm, ya not interested if there are saws, bunnies and top hats involved... but apparently we're hot for each like that August afternoon, I'd have to say in my opinion we're at the I don't think I've even considered that stage, so I don't know, it could be, we're keeping that off the table because well why the hell should it be on the table, for one if we remember the whole long acronym, we haven't changed planetary systems so thus I can't foresee myself being considered suitable, but if we do shift the time space continuum apparently I could have found my not railroadable counterpart who will provide me stability, consistency and the patience to deal with someone owned entirely by the twins...only catch supposedly they like to lead thus the no railroad, so I'll be waiting on that time shift shit to go down, I wonder if I can cook up anything in the lab to speed up that process... not that, oh what the hell, why deny it, we all know that I want something to happen... shit my life is just not working out these days, this is the worst ever.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
you would just kiss me moment? I think I've had a few and one unfortunately came when it was least going to happen given the copious amount of products involved... we'll leave it at that on that one, but really, I am trying to figure out why I've felt like that in two situations in the last 8 months (give you all a nice large ballpark to wonder in so that no one feels left out). Of course the argument is and I can hear it off out there from a certain individual that I shouldn't complain about it, and I should do something about it, sure... that's easy for you to say. I get squirrelly about the whole asking out business, I'm not going to lean forward and slightly to one side to get rejected... because hey maybe my wiring and signals and all that is off. I was thinking about one such case, and trying to in my lovely female Gemini way to over think, analyse it, and no it didn't help that I got the oh but he really looks like he likes you by the way he was looking at you (no that was someone drinking and a certain blue dress) - that was that - nothing more and just nothing.... so we can be glad that I didn't do anything about that... beyond that we also can say I would have most definitely regretted the other case too, but not the for rejection that would have occurred, oh no because it would have been a waste of my precious hormones... just because they seem to be in abundance doesn't mean that I'm all over giving them out whenever the mood strikes.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Saturday, June 06, 2009
So my therapist - let's call her X thinks that blogging is an unusual way to sort through the problematic nature of this world, relationships and all the shit that goes down day to day. Well I think she's sort of right and wrong, see writers - like Ford Maddox Ford, Virgina Wolfe and well hundreds if not thousands of others have used their personal shit as a foundation for their writing, and before I get some disgruntled rant about how dare I relate myself to Virgina Wolfe - you're right, I am more like Ford Maddox Ford (and that was an entirely a joke for me - sorry)... any who's writing for me and for you, lets me poke around in my life for the humour and cover it with a nice coating of distorted truth. So while OM is off somewhere tooling around with whomever and ignoring the reality of my direct nature (bad idea - really we all know that I'm not going to deal with that well), I had a wonderful time with my wonderful friends and enjoy the whole process again of getting know people around me and being more and more transparent and no that transparency isn't going to take route anywhere around here. So my brain hurts, my mouth hurts (smiling and no I'm not going to tell you why) and I'm at the point where I realize that this outfit SO VERY needed double sided tape - errr ya, well someone got a good eye full tonight.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Summer brings with it the following:
Heat: Which robs us (me) of sleep, making us (me cranky, moody, irritable...), it makes makeup application and hair styling annoying, pointless and then returns us (me) to the whole moody and cranky part - this morning for example I found myself blow drying/flat ironing my hair while standing in front of my fan in the attempt to counteract the heat, and reduce the makeup drip off. I've even been known to do more environmental damage via electricity use by standing in front of the open freezer post hot roller application to prep my face for foundation... well it was August and my belief was if I am going to get some lovin' I best put my face on.
Sand: It's dusty, it's dirty and it gets into the most unfortunate of places
Skin: So I get that this is part of the whole summer lovin' thing - because well every inch of social permitable for exposure skin is out there, and a lot that shouldn't be seen... and while I know the boys love the boobs or whatever else, for someone like myself prone to burn lobster red in less time than it takes for your frappe to melt, it's pure evil. If whatever is exposed is not covered in SPF 80 and then covered by clothing I might as well not leave the house - and even then. I've been known to burn in the shade, if I don't burn, I get one hell of a heat rash... that's actually worse surprisingly.
Then of course once you're good and burned the skin starts to peel and unless you've already found someone to love you unconditionally enough to loofah your back and all those unreachable regions you are left to peel in the most unfortunate of fashions.
There's also the bug bites, allergies, and all the other small and large annoyances at this time of year. It's enough to make me want to stay inside in the dark with my fan, homemade iced tea (or a mojito) and a good book... if that sounds like your cup of iced tea then come on in and join me...
Thursday, June 04, 2009
I think I and we (singles) like to believe that marriage and all that jazz is just part of the puzzle, and maybe it is, or maybe it's the icing on the cake (so it's hard finding the right metaphor). It isn't the thing/act/ring/dress that is going to complete us, make right all that is emotionally, spiritually and physically awry with us... nor is it going to make your future any clearer, because if it's a big fog right now, someones input whether well meaning or not is not going to make it any clearer.
While J insists her brain is still in love with NYC and her heart or maybe her entire spiritual entity is still in NYC, I don't know but mine couldn't stay, maybe because as much as I would like to do graduate school, I don't have that luxury of such a decision, I haven't given myself a whole lot of future glancing luxury these days. Why? Well the complex and the simple. The simple is I have a whole 2 semesters before I need to worry about applications and all that - and while they are on the agenda, I'm in no position to start filling them out. But really the issue is so much more complex - I have to stay present, planning my future at the expense of my present has been my coping mechanism for years, it had to be, I had to believe that somewhere, at sometime, life would change, it would be freer, fuller and well fun. Sooo while I deal with all that is present I know that my future needs to remain just that a future being formed by my acts in the present, and it's not the other way around, my future acts don't change my current situation...
Wednesday, June 03, 2009