Thursday, March 14, 2013

Feeling Uncomfortable

In recent months and truthfully maybe for the last few years I have been uncomfortable with my body - I have struggled deeply with a place of comfort - not a let it all go comfort but a I can deal with what I see comfort.

Years ago, during of all things an Oprah episode an older lady said if you cannot get naked and look at yourself in a mirror on a regular basis you're going to struggle with how you look with clothes on, never mind activities sans clothes. I was okay with this idea until the last year. In the last year I have for whatever reason wanted to live in a life with no mirrors. I have wanted to find a way to ignore the awkwardness I have felt.

I am aware of the deep irony of this as I have finally found myself wrestled into a place of comfort-ish-ness about where I am with life. This is not about whether I feel pretty or the fact that those words were never used in my home and still really are not.  And it is not even about whether I want or need to hear those words. I know it is deeper than that. It is a question of worth. Some how I know I'm in the middle of deep and maybe even holy wrestling with my worth.

I am trying to claim me

to claim

a body broken

by the years and

now reclaimed but handle with hands fumbling and faltering.

I wish I knew how to without wandering down paths of disordered eating and obsessive exercise like I once did, because I know that was an never achievable path with a constantly moving goal.

I am trying to come to terms with the reality that what I thought was just a suitcase of dirty laundry to sort through and clean in therapy that maybe I'm dealing with something more like the houses on Hoarders - the piles are deep and I'm ready to mine them for the good that is in there somewhere.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Sad or Scary or a little of Both

I realized today on the way to the chiropractor, as a cute boy made a b-line to sit next to me and then proceeded not to do anything, that I'm stuck. My realization really had nothing to do with him, it did however have to do with the lack of options. I often here the it will happen when you stop looking or when you least expect it - blah blah blah. I really think that's complete hogwash. But the opposite seems to be just as useless a belief. In all my searching there has been nothing. If anything I think I am coming to the realization that the man I'm looking for is not going to be found through EHarmony or any of the other incarnations. I don't know if he even exists and if he does I really am sure that it isn't going to come through the process of online dating. That being said, I have no idea what to do now - a thirty something pacifist theology graduate student with desires to adopt and have a big community house community. Everything that is well, counter cultural and I'm a challenging woman as is... this really is not going anywhere other than to say, I'm tired of the feeling that while my life has purpose and meaning and direction (more or less) that I am going to be stuck in this non dating limbo. I completely believe that I am not alone, and I love my community. I have no problem journeying forward in life and adopting kids and all that with or without a partner. But here is the rub. As much as I try and lay down the desire for a partner, as much as I can see and even at times will myself to see my future without one, the truth is I want a partner. There I said it, as brave as I try to be, I'm alone and right now I really really do not want to be.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013


I think she sums up my argument on this subject better than I can. I do not know when I started noticing bands but it was probably about the same time I started noticing the shoes a man is wearing. As a 30 something woman I really have to say I have come to the point where if you have a ring, sure I'll be a friend but I have my priorities and it isn't being the best friend of a man who has a wife.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

At Present

I am doing the following and trying not to be a big baby about throwing my back out next week.