I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

So My Current Mood Might Resemble A 3 Year Old on a Sugar Bender...

So last night I went to bed with the solace found at the bottom of a glass of Viognier and some Brazilian gluten free cheese buns... thinking I had totally NLLL-up it all.

This morning I received an email I wasn't expecting that could be summarized with the following:

Apparently I wasn't a horrible person, I was someone who was sweet and kind and what just happened... Well I responded as bubbly as possible stating I wouldn't be in because today is my cat herding day (the wrangling of a 7 and 4 year old and their 14 month old sibling) but we could talk next week. I checked my email tonight and I have an offer of drinks. My response...

It is on.

It is so on.

Let the awkward games begin.

Hurdles to be Hurdled

So as LG and I are working toward whatever we're working toward and I'm trying to get my head around all the hurdles I never expected to have to hurdle over and trying to see them as good potentials.

For example LG would have better career options if he moves to England for a few years - he was there before he came home to help take care of his teenage nephew due to a sudden death in the family. IF (HUGE IF, I REPEAT HUGE) I were to go with him my certification for chaplaincy doesn't carry beyond North America. It is its own masters degree in the UK. BUT that being said, while I would love to work in chaplaincy, working in a small parish/church I would have the opportunity to do many of the same things as well as developing longer term relationships with members. So it might actually be harder and possibly a richer experience. But that changes what my life will look like as of this summer - so it might mean having some serious discussions a lot sooner than I might want to

But that being said we talked about his hours. I get that lawyers work crazy hours and when I dated X I knew as an in-hospital physician he would also work similar hours. But as I've gotten older, I've wrestled with the reality that sure an extra pay check and a warm body on the other side of the bed are nice things, but if I'm by reality a single parent, why aren't I just a single parent? In that what is the benefit to having a partner who cannot partner with me in all aspects of life. I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself, never mind what that would look like with LG in the picture.

He is still conservative and I know that will be a work in progress, quite frankly I think in this arrangement he has the tougher road. He has strong opinions about things and my life experiences have so far shut down conversations in awkward but humorous to me, exchanges. For example I tweet anonymously and he chided me saying that it's cowardly to not put my name to my opinions. And fair enough, given all the NLLL trolls that populate the interwebs that is a justifiable response. HOWEVER, I have CEF to deal with and I am privileged to a little peace and privacy. That response resulted in a retraction. Yes dude I will fight you on these things like your definition of feminism and Internet privacy. I'm not bothered by it, they are little hurdles that I'm prepared to see where we both fumble.

But all that being said in the last 24hrs my EH account is getting some serious action and I can only laugh. REALLY? Now? I have no desire to push LG to the whole are we seriously dating discussion because the title isn't worth a lot and I'm not adding a FB status to my life so whatever, but I'm not sure how to respond to these men. And I know JS would suggest I test out the waters with these men, but I don't have it even remotely in my heart to.

We'll see - Ms. J and her beau and the two of us have a double date next Wed, so once he overcomes that hurdle we'll see what discussions arise.

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?

I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.

I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.

So take control then, damn it.

 When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.

Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

So.... when I said I wanted to date

I should have clarified to the cosmos, that I meant I want to date someone new - no re-dating.  The sad thing is BB asked me out for coffee.  Yes I know he's a barista - but he wants to take me downtown to this place that makes amazing soy lattes.  He's sweet and he gives me free coffee. BUT he is so broken.  I cannot fix him.  I wouldn't and even if I was crazy enough, and that would be like CRAZY crazy to consider that - I don't think any healthy person could even help him.  He needs professional help.  He's got shit.  Hell I've gone through big time shit in my life, and if your shit scares me, it needs someone to help you out and not a girl you like.... so *sigh* I haven't given him an answer, he kind of blindsided me at 6:30 this morning when he asked.  I wish I could be his friend - steer him to some help, but I think that's like trying to save a drowning man - it's more likely to put you in danger than them.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/charl22/168618212/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Out of the Office

I'm out of the office today running errands, and enjoying time with Ms. J and HSBFF. Enjoy this song that L and I had on frequent rotation when she lived with me...

Dinner Date, Help I Need Martha

I resorted to calling my only parental unit last night after I had a major brain moment. I asked AB over for dinner. I think it was the wine I was trying to finish off and flirt texting that made me forget that: the house was messy, the fridge was/is in some state of chaos and I would not be home until later than normal... but I asked and he accepted. There I was at 7pm banging my head on Eclipse trying to figure out which was worse - that I wanted to buy Breaking Dawn, or that I was now forced to to covertly or non-covertly call my parental unit for a food idea that I couldn't fail at, he suggested pork and given that I had just choked down a very over done other white meat piece, I decided to pick the meal that L and AR have both eaten, a regular on the vegan repertoire... We're having Indian food tonight, even though that was our first date* meal too, I couldn't think of anything else I could not. Even worse I made the appropriate dessert to go along with it - and this morning even in the haze of my 5am pre glasses blindness, I could see it had failed. NLLL!!! I have to make them again, find some sense of calm and clean the house, that is if I can beat AB to the house - apparently we're racing again...

PS If all comes together it will be an entire vegan meal... I may not be able to corrupt AB, though I might be able to win him with my charms... that's corruption in a round about way isn't it?

PS. CC could you hint at AB I would like one of these for Christmas...

It Was Better...

I decided against my better judgement to give BV a mercy date, a second shot since according to Ms. J I come undone at the discussion of BV.

So, BV called up this week and yadda yadda keep up with the posts now, so we arranged to have dinner last night at a restaurant I've been to a few times and knew it was a quality place to eat - casual, yet nice. Now I have to admit that for some bizarre unknown to me reason, and to be honest wholly frustrating too but BV makes me lose my brain, act like an idiot, need help getting dressed and in general cause my digestive tract to do something horrible to me and yet I can't say I know why because well he's not crazy smart really, not politically or literally savy, he's not particularly driven, not a planner - and yet for some reason unknown to me I have come unhinged, well to a certain extent - my brain isn't really having any part in this - which I don't know what to do, really shit, anyways this whole date business.

So after a full dinner - ahi tuna and desert (chocolate gelato) we decided to do for a walk down the street where I got hit on, bwahaha, k so I know I'm not suppose to laugh, but hell, it was such the random hit on EVER and I could tell that BV died a little - and ya well that made it all the more funny... still laughing actually about it. We did the loop through the neighborhood, admired the Craftsman style houses, walked past my wedding venue (NO I did not tell him that), and then looped back, because I found out BV had driven. Here I was thinking he had bussed... anyways so the boy drove, and I live within walkingish distance -a walk for me - and I got offered no ride home. Now I have a complex about asking for rides, I've learned I guess being a non-driver to just expect to fend for myself unless it is offered. Well BV did not offer - hmm, so instead we talked until the bus stopped at the light and then we full stopped convo and averted eye contact, me because I was like ah hell no, this is not where anything like that is going to go down, not at like one of the busiest intersections in the city. So hell at least I got a decent hug. And that's where it ended - equal in all respects... 3rd date?

It just seems appropriate - better go and get your armour...

I should be crunching something now

Whether that be numbers or my abdominals, I'll leave that to you to determine. N and I were talking about what has now become a take no prisoners, but practice covert operations regarding a few, "just in case" types, of dating policy. It sounds bitchy, it sounds cold, but there is a fine line of understanding, that while friends in a social sense are great - they are the reason I have blogging material now, they aren't what the goal is ultimately here. The goal is try and find someone compatible to get to know better and then see what happens. N and I have gotten past the broken heart crying stage for the moment, I'm conscious that it is very likely to occur on some level with AB, if I am reading the situation correctly someone else is going to be sending time occupying the position I've been holding on park benches, beach walks, social functions and movie nights... and well that is going to stink, but if it happens - I am going to go for a run, then crack open a pint of Hagan Daaz and eat it while in a big bubble bath while listening to Celine, it will be for the night and that will be that... onwards after that... I guess I've realized like so many before me that it just a numbers game, eventually you find the right fit, and before that it's just a journey - full of all sorts of crazy moments, laughter, yes tears, but in the end I guess that's the ying and yang - I can be picky, but I might as throw the next discriminately wide and see what I get.

And the Gold Star Goes to BV!

Yes BV has come out swinging with another out of the blue contact, and all while I have been fussing about the whole DTR with AB. So being that I haven't played this game before but I know how it works courtesy of all the years I watched Sammy play the boys on Days of Our Lives (imagine that with the announcer voice would you please)... so I know that AB can know about BV, but BV given his fragile, yet chutzpah rich state needs to be watered, babied and then broken in ever so carefully. So what does that look like, well dear reader, that means that I turned BV down for the late night comedy show tomorrow night - it is far too late for this beauty queen to be out given my time of awaking - maybe for AB I'll walk into the darkness of the late night sunsetish and stay out until the carriages stop moving, but I will not for a seedy area comedy show, and a comedy show, err, didn't we already go down the awkward comedy route with the Hangover. But given that the first date was horribly shitty, yes it reeked and I wouldn't have given him a second chance, but a boy who can get the guts to call, and make me do the who equally shitty smiling business deserves a little mercy. Not a lot, but a little, just like the little we afford ourselves with our work clothes, a little stretch can go along way.

So AB while we might be muggles together next week, I think you'd better start searching for something to conger up if you intend on winning this race, or even the next round for starters. It is about to get a whole hell of a lot interesting, no?

Of All The Things

Swirling around in my head, the biggest one is do I really have to? Not in like do I really have to work today, because honestly I don't, not because I worked all last week or that my staff aren't here and I'm stuck doing their jobs or that I just feel bitchy today and answering the phones prior to a full moon is going to leave me at my wits end... not quite the primary issue. Sure I even have issues about trying to tie up the lose ends and prevent any possibility of AB finding the blog and so on and so forth, since Ms. J actually has me worried about that now, considering BI found me (but then again I don't think that's ever been a problem for you - hunting me down).

No the grand issue of the day, of the next few days until it gets vetoed or intentionally forgotten is this: Ms. J believes the grand time has come for the DTR discussion with AB. Really? That strikes a serious fear into me, I mean you pull out that shit and they bolt and then what? I mean I guess I really like AB, goodness me, what kind of a hole am I in now? Apparently a once a week activity (since the first week of June) involving one or more of the following: sharing a food item, having dinner together, watching a movie together, long walks and going to social engagements together amongst other things small is pushing the limits? I guess. Because if we look at it this way, add the gushy hand holding and all that, and you get a dating couple. But there lies that line in the concrete - that hasn't happened and so as far as I'm concerned we can leave things here. However, the downside is this, let's be honest I have more chance of owning a pair of Louboutin's in my lifetime than AB deciding to DTR things... so let's confirm this back and forth Gemini moment we've had here-Am I wasting my time, my one + night(s) a week or what have you? And should there be a DTR or move the hell away from it all?

Epilogue-ish:

Why are ex's important - like CEF is as good as never existed for me but apparently he's a freaking issue for AB and BV, especially AB, why the hell do you need to know the details? And secondly I think my wardrobe has bad juju - seriously I wore the exact same outfit for BV and AB and the same but different for AB and OM and both no goes... shit really to it ALL...

I am going to hit my head on a my desk a little while and visit the liquor store tonight - who needs food really, when times are like these and they shouldn't - that horrible horoscope dribble says the planets, stars and their paychecks are all cashed and my future is apparently rosy...

Soo

AR thinks I'm horribly devious under this Suzy Homemaker facade, and well let's be honest, I am - there is really nothing scarier than a woman who has nothing to lose, and nothing at this point to gain, other than maybe knowing that someone, (cough) BV (cough) will learn something. So being devious, I whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies, shoved my debutant hat my bag, slapped on the SPF 60+ and hustled off to the beach to meet BV and AB (yes both - I invited AB, knowing BV was present at Miss 50's beach bash). Well AB got some quizzical looks from Miss 50's for showing with me, but not WITH me, and BV influenced by contraband beverages and the sun seemed to be awkward. Maybe I'm horrible, but seeing an awkward guy squirm in the fall out of his errors works for me, almost better than a new pair of shoes. And so AB stuck around for a while while the group left, and then departed to catch up with them... so now AB has been passed past everyone and honestly I feel horribly weird about the whole process... in the sense that I think I'm still not there emotionally, I don't trust myself with making those decisions, and knowing that part of making those decisions is wholly opening yourself to the pain of rejection. So on the heels of that wonderfully insightful blurb, I have this to say, I will see AB at Ms. J's and beyond that I plan on poking BV for a movie date* to see if I can make him articulate his disinterest or interest... we will see. Oh and the blue dress will be making an appearance again...

So 8 hours later and one brief bus ride later...

I found myself sitting at my kitchen table, post non-brain clearing, non-emotional purging shower, eating coffee flavoured hagan daaz from the container while waiting for my sheets to dry wondering, wondering what the hell is all this. Really what is it, because I think I need to know, know that something in all this is true, has some basis in reality, has some purpose, because I for the first time in my life went on two dates* in one week with two different guys nonetheless and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and go, hmph, or more to the point WTF. When does this murkuier than mud, dance of a thousand missed facts and distorted perceptions becomes something different?

I spent 8 fucking hours with BV yesterday and all I got was a little side hug, like if you are not interested then lie, I don't care if you ditch me after the coffee and a walk, go for it, but don't go for dinner and then a movie and then walk me up Hastings to the bus stop at Main, wait for the bus to come for me and then give me a shitty hug and no further response. This is what I would like to clarify for the men as MIXED signals. Yes folks that it is fair to say is mixed, because your actions say you wanted to spend time with me thus the 8 hours, hell I stuck around because of that, and yet NOTHING. All I would like, all any girl would like is, if you are interested, which your actions are implying you are, is one a decent hug and maybe I'll call you or even if you are really interested another activity or something. It isn't that complicated, no sweeping romantic gestures needed, dude not looking for flowers, candlelight or a romcom to be the next movie choice, just a little sense of direction. So maybe I'm just burnt out, maybe I'm frustrated, maybe I just feel like a looser, like after you go on endless job interviews and while they seem to be good, apparently they're not... I don't know but there you go.

Run down of yesterdays events - coffee, jazz fest, bird poos on BV, wait for BV to get cleaned up, walk, talk, walk and walk and talk, get tired, have dinner - my credit card is decline - equal embarassment day, walk in the pouring rain minus the umbrella - and I in white, BV picks movie, walks me to bus stop, I text when home safe and that would be the night. I ended up confused, unable to sleep and so of course texted AB - for the love of mini doughnuts, it is all one big freaking mess.

*or pseudo dates or even date dates

I was sooo smooth, you have no idea

So I came to the realization today that I might only be successful thus far because of alcohol, my sweet precious, because well I've been under the influence and same with the men whence these conversations happened, and then whence sober, the conversation seems to get well hindered. Same went for tonight, when I really should have toot sweet made a bee line for the Liquor store to avoid the shitastic conversation skills I demonstrated when BV called... oh it was my finest hour for sure - even better than the time I fell on my ass in a short skirt in grade 10, revealing my white knickers... So anyways CW and I hit the mall and beat it a little while too, I came to the realization I had no date, date date or pseudo date appropriate wear... so ya, who knew that that was a fashion subset I needed to consider. So 2pm tomorrow, I have to find my personality without the alcohol and remember that this whole show, this is all an unknown - like what to say, how much sarcasm is too much sarcasm and really is there such a thing, and when do dates turn into dating, or even for that matter when does a date = a date, and when do those amount to dates plural - like do the pseudo and regular dates get included in the date date equation...

To add, when do I have to choose - that is to say I'm totally upselling myself believing that that absolutely horrible moment is going to happen... yes horrible that would be, no? As well AR believes that I need to find me a theme song, so while Beyonce believes a Diva is a female version of a hustler, I believe that a diva I am not, and Fiddy's PIMP isn't quite right, I leave you with the oft played:

And Let the Games Begin!

Coming out of left field, courtesy of a wholly unexpected message in my FB inbox, we now have a new player on the scene. We shall call him BVHMAOMP or Boy V has met at OM's party - but for the sake of the fun and blogging - BV. BV hit the radar for a few hot moments back then but died off, I couldn't read him so I shrugged it all off, eventually added him as a friend on FB and then ta da we have a FB message for a coffee "date." You know I am beginning to hate that word, it's up there with "nice" and "different." So there you have it AB has seriously legitimate competition, like in the way of an engineer who just happens to be one of my peeps... I will keep you all updated.

The only down side is if either of these remotely works out, I feel like I should thank OM - second thought is that really that awful - hey OM, you may be a douchebag, tool or whatever reference that has been used in recent months by AR, N or Ms. J to describe you, but thanks to you I've gotten to have better times than you could have ever done...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vegaseddie/3309211069/

The Question of the Evening/Day...

Is not whether last night was a date, a date date or a pseudo date, no it is more what the hell is my life doing repeating itself in this way. Okay so I did really like, maybe even love BI, hey I think it was something I fell into, completely unconscious of the whole process in this bizarre way. But that was ages ago, years in fact, and yet maybe because of how it all came to be, it is still the litmus test for everything, bet that would surprise BI. I was talking to AR last night about it all, with BI in the beginning I would analyse every little thing, did he like me? did I like him? why did he do that, was that a sign? Blah, blah, blah...and on and on it went for a few weeks until I was like hmph, he'll figure it out if it he wants to, and sure enough he did. Ms. J even quipped well this is how it is suppose to work you know, you get to know someone and then if things change one thing leads to another and someone eventually chokes out those magical and painful words, I like you, like like you like you... ahh the blessed joy of it all. So ya, there you have it folks, no big flashy show, just life, nice and simple, and thankfully BI trained me, and now it is time to see how well he did...

PS. I wish life worked like the ball... but I guess it does you keep shaking it up until you get the answer you were looking for.

Sooo...I guess my bed and I won't be seeing much of each other

It is an oft discussed issue in my daily life, I love sleep, I LOVE it and not just like, or feel warm undefined feelings towards sleep. Sleep and I have a wonderful relationship where I devote 8 or more hours daily to its maintenance. However it seems that over the past few weeks and this week without question I am opting to change the dynamics of that relationship, opting for walks around Stanley Park, Sangria consumption, Coldplay (! - AWESOME), and apparently a pseudo-date on this Wednesday, we are by no means calling it anything beyond platonic - because well that is not the way this going to go down fer sure (intentional typo). It also isn't being defined as other because my Coldplay date waffled inregards to the intention of the asker... I figure I can cheat on sleep a little with coffee/caffeine and at the same time get on with this whole living business. As to the who, what and where's of Wednesday while the secret might be burning a hole through my email account/phone, it is going to stay where it is, hint though it has nothing to do with OM and we are all soooo glad about that, so unbelievably glad that has all left.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/siennamooney/3184340721/