Thursday, April 17, 2014

Well that was a little awkward....

So I stumbled out of the library, away from my marking that is taking so much longer than it should, to have some lunch and who do I run into in the main office?


WTF is all my brain could muster and I think AE could see the blindsided look. He was there on business. So after the awkwardness, he offered to take me for lunch and hell, I being poor, why not take a guy up on free meal. While he was going to plug his meter I turn to AE and say, "He's on the blog." I believe here response involved a laugh and a oh.

It's complicated.

Why is it always complicated.

AL came on to the scene when AB and I were a mess and it was an awkward date. It was a good date but it was an awkward heart moment. I wanted to not like AB but there was no way of denying it all and another boy trying to wiggle into it all was just not my idea of awesomeness. Maybe there are women out there who like the idea of being fought over or complicated over but it was just too much. And the date was too much. He was too honest. He confessed all his short comings and his new found  faith was just, enough to make me panic.

So when he announced that he was single at lunch today. A part of me wanted to back away from the table. Not because of the short comings or his faith, which has sounded like it's growing, or anything because we actually have a lot in common and he's my usual type, he's very similar to X. Chivalrous without being oppressive, caring, thoughtful, open minded...

Actually it wasn't about him.

My heart just kind of curled in on itself when he mentioned he was single. I know lunch wasn't a date and so on and so forth. I realized I've been coping in my post Lawyer Guy world under the impression that I just won't date until I have a job and I'm ready to leave and go wherever to get said job.

And yet...

I don't want to let my hurt do that but I don't know how to not let to creep in on the edges.

Not yet at least.

*To add to the weird I should note that AL and I rarely talk but he messaged me on FB about my lack of job situation and has been totally eager to help and actually been really helpful. So that just added to the weird factor.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Some Days

9.5 days out of 10 I find myself thankful that things have gone down the way they did. I'm not thankful that it hurt like NLLL NLLL or any of the drama, but big picture thankful. The .5 comes from the small picture dwelling moments and the moments like this morning thinking about a conference I passed up because of a wedding he was to be a groomsman at in LA the same weekend. We discussed in January buying the tickets and were going to but the wedding was bumped a weekend and some of the drama around that on the family's end paused that (Hallelujah, I do not have to deal with getting rid of that ticket, and at the same time woah we went from discussing trips and all sorts of things to well whatever, moving on).

But in the moving on, I've realized I really like long distance relationships for one thing - break ups. I do not have to worry about CEF (99.9% of the time) or his other friends, co-workers, church community etc, but with LG I run into his friends all the time and there is this long awkward pause. And right now I'm reading it as, so you've been absent in church the last month and LG hasn't said anything (he would rather die than reveal anything personal) so what's the deal? Even the prof I TA for was surprised I changed churches... yes we all know what that means.

I would rather everyone be nosey or just act like it never happened and treat me like the student I was before the breakup and still am.

And more importantly I would like to restate (not just repost the following, as I've updated it a little from the original)

Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children, the commitment hesitant and the whatever LG was.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into any man's hands or a spine into their back and nor do I really want to for either.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed (yep), a little bruised (or a lot) and maybe even damaged deeper, BUT, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations with friends who honour vulnerability even when it's icky, even when it's hard.

Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

Thanks friends!

Monday, April 07, 2014


I pointed out DD to KAB in service on Sunday to which she responded:

And I get it. He's bearded and he's changed a lot since I crushed hard on his Meno artistic self. I mean whoever knew a man rocking on an organ would have been a turn on to my 20 something self? It was probably the self assurance and not the man himself that captured my attention then and now I don't need that - I have that myself.

I'm totally relieved to know that he does nothing for me - one less thread hanging out there. Every man bridge has been burned, and for all the right reasons.

In all this though I have wondered, looking at my female pastor peers - they're all single. It's a tough gig in and of itself, and it's a whole other level of difficult to find a man who's excited to join you in it for you and not what you can add to them or their ministry. For that reason I've actually decided to not join the ranks of the online dating world again for at least the next year.  I need to know a little better where this ship is sailing, whether it's here or the next province over or a country away... we'll see but I'm good with this. I'm happy to date, and I might even just start asking out men for the hell of it - have to find some men first but while I wait for them I'm happy to start some scandal and date the ladies in my life because well:

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Er this is awkward...

So I have a confession.

I used to have a huge crush on a barista that worked at the coffee place by my house (and worked with my first roommate L). And my used to, I mean like 2007 used to. So much so I placed an missed connection in the local free paper. And while I knew he probably knew and I started to avoid the place afterwards and eventually he was moved from that store. I was kind of crushed...(hardy, har) seriously he was cute and friendly and while probably eons younger than me, since I was never going to my shit together and ask him out it didn't matter.


So I've started attending a new church and I know the best way to be human is to be me with coffee in by body, so I stopped in one of the bazillion coffee shops downtown Sunday, and I looked at the guy helping me and I was sure it was him, after all I'd spent the better part of a year oogling him, sure he was a little more portly than I remember, but working in a coffee shop seems to do that to people.  I didn't want to ask his name, because hello creeper mode. But then I saw the name tag. It was him. So when he started to chat me up, I asked, as casual as I could, did you used to barista at X. He went kind of pale and stumbled on his words. I quickly backtracked, throwing L out into the conversation, you know her, as if she came home and talked about him all the time... she didn't.

So yep, the world is weird and small and no I'm not going to ask him out because well no and there are lots of really go reasons not to like I'm 100% sure he hasn't had a miraculous conversion in the past 6 years and nor has he added 6 additional years to his life to make us roughly the same age.

Anyways, laugh and know while I need caffeine I will not be making his store a regular occurrence.

Oh and speaking of the new church - DD attends there and we can officially cross him off the list - thankfully he doesn't make me feel like my stomach is going to burst forth from my belly button when I am in his presence. And as for a friend from a previous setting to attends, he seems to be ignoring me, I'm not sure if he's pissed I didn't use him as my gateway friendship or he's totally forgotten what I look like although we're FB friends.