When Things Get Tough... the tough or the weak or whatever I am, write a post...

So a lot has happened since December.

Um... well I basically lost my job/quit/laid off - they took away my hours and the office went to hell sans hand-basket, so I left (and may be returning although I so don't want to but they're nagging me and I like the ones suffering but you know complications).

So I started cleaning and we all know my OCD appreciates the smell of bleach and scrubbing bathtubs. Seriously. So it's been therapeutic, BUT it's not a way to make a living.

All in all the loss of the job has actually been a huge stress relief and I did have some money left over from my student loan which I have been living off of.

All that being said - I have entered a time of discernment it seems.

I know discernment is one of those weird words and I have a hard enough time trying to figure out what I'm doing right now never mind trying to explain it to LG who I totally get is a little freaked out though he's sort of hiding it (but not really).

What this all means is one big question mark that I know cannot be solved in one go, I get that the likelihood that all the pieces are going to fall together is incredibly small and not helpful to even consider.

The pieces? The main one is whether I should maintain looking for jobs in the medical secretarial/technician world or if I should be looking in the region I am planning on/hoping to work in/need to be working in at some point which is church ministry.

I am totally over qualified for one and under for the other with a huge gap in between them where I am actually trying to find a space to land in.

What do I mean by that?

What I mean is to say, I have recently (last 2-3) years felt directed (I loathe the term "called") toward medical chaplaincy. However, right now that's off the table because the only program that is accessible to the general public (ie. it does not require I do my masters with them to start) is in Alberta and it's "suspended for review" the lovely vague term I am assuming related to their admissions, training and likely an issue of having either huge demand or not enough. So no training program means no training. So I could hope that changes but if I stay with LG leaving for a year doesn't seem like an option either.

So that means if the program does come up either long distancing it or ending the relationship. Neither are great, one is far, far less great than the other.

And so at this moment, you may wonder why the idea of ending a relationship is even on the table.

Well... I love him, but I know we've got our challenges and one of them of LG is my job prospects. I will never, unless the economy dramatically changes and funding is restored in the area of chaplaincy, make a lot of money, quite frankly I could make the same if not more as a teacher or in medical administration. He doesn't like this. I'm not sure why he even thought about dating me but it's an issue for him and it's not for me. But I get why it is for him. He cannot imagine moving out of his neighbourhood and to raise kids in an apartment because we would never be able to afford a house in that area doesn't appeal to him.

So I could and I am considering whether I need another Master's in Gerontology in the hopes I could find my way into some kind of patient liaison type job or something in the medical field that borders on social work while working in a church.

The issue also becomes I am trying to come to terms with the likelihood I will ever be hired by a church given that I am a woman and the movement right now is away from female hirings.

So there you have it - I have a guy I think is great, who may or may not need to come to terms with his dreams and I have decisions to make and a lot of emotions and an impulse to in these moments clear the decks and remove everything as an option.

Well Because...

I assume you're wanting a change in topic, someone I am sure has been praying for a change in topic because I have a change in topic.

You prayed for it and it happened - but next time maybe pray a little bigger or maybe for ME because it seems that the guy from eHarmony who was absolutely lovely, wonderful, and I could gush but was also a quad and it just wasn't quite right and then he was moving etc... you know the story. Well he emailed me tonight to tell me he's found an amazing woman and he wants to stay friends. But you know what I'm crazy happy for him and not just because I don't have to figure out that relationship with my shrink in the morning. Like I'm genuinely happy because NLLL it there needs to be far more love going around - good, happy, rich life affirming love and if someone else is getting it in a heavier dose then I am I say YAY, go for it. There is no NLLL reason (unless it is unethical) that I'm going to go bursting anyone's bubbles.

So there you have it - happiness! Yay and I might also be happy because completely random I found a journal publication completely devoted to Feminist Anabaptist Hermeneutic - and yes I did this in the library when I found it (quietly of course), I can follow some library rules, just not the ones about coffee.

with maybe a little of this because I would fan girl over him, I'm not going to lie

Scratch That

If you're quick on the posts you might have noticed that one has just disappeared.

Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with the name related to them and more so as I'm listening to Bruno Mars and tweeting - you know all the important things you should be doing when you have a paper to write.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single.

I've actually only been officially dating someone for one in my whole life. One in the almost two decades when it apparently counts that you have someone in your life.

The funny thing is I have lots of people in my life that I love and that love me. If anything all these years of digging around in the shit of my life has fertilized that amazing gift - amazing people. They fuel me, they wrap their arms around me, they cry and laugh with me. And they do it every day of the year, not just on the one day that roses reflect a fraction of the worth of relationship - sexual or otherwise.

So while I could ruminate over the desire for a good snogging - heck we're all there at some point, or multiple occasions in the 365 days of the year, not just a specific day. But in the end, like I've said before about relationships - the good ones, the good ones are the ones that fuel you - they're the ones that make you feel like you're dancing on rainbows or whatever happy is to you. To me, I imagine it will be equal to the day I find a gluten free doughnut that tastes like a real doughnut. Fatty dough fried in more fat and topped with sugar you are my idea of brain explosion, knicker dropping kind of love. Yes I have weird standards, but considering that gluten free baking is still a little meh, that's my Everest.

My point?

Tomorrow if you want that snog or you just want to kick the boy you just found out is dating a classmate because your friend found out in a very accidental and awkward way remember this too shall pass and while we're speaking of passing things I'll hand you the chocolate or the wine - your choice because I love you and heck that's got to count for something, even just a little something.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpaxonreyes/5442938096/

Clarity

My first weekend class was this past weekend. I opted to be the "brave" one and fling myself out for my prof to counsel and analyse in front of the class. I do not regret it, well maybe a little. I think I regret being a person for whom getting verklempt is an easy and often undesirable reaction. So yes I got teary and it got worse once RB, on my request gave me feedback, given that he was one of two people in the class who knew me best, likely the one who does know me best. He teared up, and the NLLL'ing waterworks came. When it was all said and done and he and I hugged, and I realized that while I would and can say that I love him, he's really a dear friend, he's also an entirely lame potential boyfriend given previous experience and where he is in life. Oddly though in all that I realized the things I love in him, who he is, are rare (ish) things. They are the core qualities that made me fall in love with AB. It's a tenderness with a joyful carelessness that somehow runs deep even if either of them weren't entirely sure how to navigate life. The Douche doesn't have that - tender and him do not go in the same sentence, maybe they could, but I think I am realizing, that I'm a tough enough nut on the exterior and broken enough on the inside that I don't think it's healthy for me to be off trying to open someone else up. Sure he may now even *gasp* publicly acknowledge me, and if he ever asked me out I MIGHT say yes (what the hell right?) I know that he's not it, quite frankly I cannot say I think anyone in my life is it right now. And while that's lonely in many respects, in others, well in other respects, I wonder if I find the pickiness freeing in a way. I know I'm messy - good gracious I am messy and I actually need a lot from my relationships, as much as it pains me to even consider that, never mind articulate that.  I'm working on me and I know, man or no man, that there is something freeing in loving the good men in your life for who they are, where they are and knowing that that's all they need from you and that's all you can give them.

Photo:http://inside-out-22.blogspot.ca/2012/09/crying-with-my-mom.html

Happy Valetines Day!

I may not have a specific special Valentine, BUT I feel it's really important to let you know wherever you are, however you're feeling - YOU ARE LOVED and YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.  Seriously, for reals, I am not joking.  If you're not hitched to someone today it doesn't mean that you cannot give yourself a good dose of compassion, kindness and healthy self care.   And if that doesn't help just remember you're better off than I am - typing this from the graduate school library with a 12 hour  day of classes ahead of me.

On two different note - I did a posting on running and dating and some words of wisdom that I listened to on my commute in this morning.

I found me in shoe form

Seriously you do not understand how much I want these shoes - the only thing that dissuaded me was knowing that in wearing them I would have to explain why I spent two weeks grocery money on shoes.  That decision would make sense to me but I don't know if it would make sense to anyone else... BUT I LOVE THEM!!

Our Song?

Taylor Swift informed me that relationships need songs.  Interesting?  Well first of all I like Taylor Swift so sue me - I do nasty accounting and I like to listen to something as fluffy as humanly possible but not quite Disney, and maybe I just like that she writes nasty tell all songs about all her exes.  It's like we are soul mates!   I write blogs and she writes songs, only difference is there is a few million in revenue that she gets - fair enough it is a little more difficult than what I do around here.

I have no problem finding break up songs, some days it feels like I have more of those than Charlie Sheen has had one morning/day/evening/evening stands. And of course because I say that, y'all are going to think X and I are rocky.  We are not.  I think the reason for the dearth in break up songs is just because they're so damn easy to write.  Love songs are more complicated.  The process of saying I love you seems to be so much more drawn out and complicated than saying "I hate you," "I need to find myself," "NLLL off you cheating NLLL" and so on and so forth.

So here is my lovely collection from the past

This song belongs to a man who rarely if ever has found himself on this blog - maybe because I got out all my rage when I burned his stuff - let's just say poor BI had to help kick me into exorcising him.



Oddly this song I think collided with my dissolution with My Mr. Big - yes it's Avril, but when the Music video channel has to fill their content with X amount of crappy but national content, you get to hear these kids of jems over and over and over.



In the months post CEF I realized that while I didn't have a post breakup song, nor did really want to - I just wanted to forget it all. However, I did find this song so relevant as time went on and he still wouldn't go away that there were times I was incredibly tempted to quote it in its entirety



Well we've dealt with AB before and honestly if I have to hear another Lady Antebellum song from that time in my life I might do something very non-ladylike.

Sure John Mayer has lots of break up songs - but I have to say these are the ones that come to mind.  So here we are at the end of a post about break up songs and I'm at a loss for a LOVE song about X. 

Any I love you songs in your repertoires?

This song was on the radio this morning, it's a little dramatic and I sure as heck do not want to be anywhere near a cabin, I am a city girl through and through.

Migraine...

I would like the world to know I had intended to do something with this weekend, like blog for the upcoming week for my running/gluten free food blog - but alas, I'm starting to see double of things from my lovely migraine.  Right now the concoction of pills and baked potato chips (minimize the nausea) aren't doing much other than putting a dent in the pain...  So on that note, something a little more cheery - and no this is not how I feel about X - well yes and no *wink*. . .

Times Are A Changin'

Well I have decided that I have had enough of being worried about the return of CEF into my personal or interweb space. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going change the format, but I am going to simplify my blogging (I have two non-linked blogs apart from this one) and make some personal and somewhat public changes.

Change 1: As noted above - I'm going to merge my Gluten Free sometimes Dairy/Soy Free food blog with my Running Blog - and once that is done, that will be linked here at S&P central command.

Change 2: I'm chopping off a large chunk of my hair (read: several inches) and dyeing it blond.  Why?  Well one - because I can, and two because I am ready even for a few months to say good bye to my most public statement of change.  I dyed my hair and chopped off my "wedding" growth and more when CEF was booted from my life.  So this change is to say in the most metaphoric way possible - I have found light in my life - in peace and joy.  In the beautiful friends like Ms J who have found ways to hold tight to someone who was so very often coming unglued.

Change 3: As noted, I like to run.  I will say that even today as my ability to tackle stairs, chairs, ramps, curbs and even toilets is seriously limited - I truthfully love to run.  Why?  Because running is my body's reminder to me that you can do it.  Even when you don't think you can, even when it all seems to come unhinged, one foot in front of the other.  When I stopped running away from the pain in my life and towards it with the help of amazing people - it was no longer terrifying.  It hurt, just like the 26.2 miles I did on Sunday hurt like hell.  My body didn't want to do, it really really didn't want to do it, but it did.  SO, on that note I have decided when I run my next marathon to do it for a Rape/Sexual Assault NGO.  I know you can run for Cancer, you can run for Water, you can run for Clean Water - all are great things to run for, but for me, I wanted to be able to move to the place in my life where I can own my survivor-ship.  Where I can say publicly: I know the statistics, I know I am not alone and I know that it shouldn't be a secret - the shame has to end and that starts within me.

Change 4: Even though I'm not single as of a few days ago (long story that I've promised will not become blog material). But that does not mean the fun is going to stop around here - oh no no no - the dating world continues on - and no that also does not mean that I'm not devoted to X - I just know there is enough crazy sh*t going on in this world of non-married folk, whether they be single or not to not comment on it. And so I will.

Well Victoria...

Victoria mentioned yesterday that she feels that in dating there is not enough honesty regarding the fear.  Today she furthered this idea of the fear as:

"And I'm not just talking about the big fears, I'm talking about the littler ones, the going on a date ones, the meeting someone for the first time ones, the what if it's awful, how do I politely escape ones, the what if there's that awkward, dead silence fears. I've had them and done it anyway."

So here it is V, I am scared. I have my fears. I have my moments that cause my stomach to churn. I even had a moment like that this week as X can attest to and it made me feel horrible and I know it hurt him too. I also have big fears - like will I ever feel ready to be married - I am not referencing this in regards to X.  Just after CEF the whole fairytale, run off into the sunset and get married and live happily ever after business does not exist.  It doesn't mean I don't want it to happen, it's just hard when that little voice of doubt has a tendency to creep into the picture.

The issue is whether or not the fear stops the forward growth - I sure hope it does not.

Cristina/Owen I think are the best example that comes to mind when you despite your scars and your fears try to press through and find love

It's About Time I Tell You All....

I may or may not be single - I am not technically single - whatever that means.  I guess it means I am not looking, or that I have a lovely man that makes me all flustered, smiley and all that good stuff.  It is good stuff no?  So I know that is so vague and you are probably wondering what the hell is going on - who is this person, how did we get here, what the hell? Stop the bus I want to know what's going on here - give me the details and all that.

Well I don't have details - I mean I sort of do, but I don't.  For one he knows about this blog, he reads this blog and he wants to stay off this blog - probably a good idea since the last time I dragged a reader male I liked into my blog I had to ditch the blog when I moved on.  And no, I'm not planning to move on - but whatever - moving on past that point.  So that all being said I'm still going to talk a bit about him, since we're all friends - cue to X this would be when you stop reading... you heard me.

So X as he's being called because he and I cannot seem to come up with a cute, catchy non-degrading name for him... we didn't intend this - good Lord I wasn't even looking for this - and yes I know that they say you'll find it when you least expect it and all that but, I was not expecting this.  We fought it, we truly did, and well maybe I'm not a good fighter since I am a pacifist but our fighting against it didn't work.  We both in separate occasions this past week realized that what we have been calling a friendship has definitely grown beyond that point.  He in a conversation and I on one of my many Etsy browsing nights looking through the Treasury, started search for gifts for him.  I had started Valentine's Day shopping for the first time in my almost 30 odd years. It was a weird revelation - not that I had never shopped for Valentine's Day but rather that somehow in all the talking and what not I had fallen sort of unbeknownst to me.  A part of brain has wanted to curse me out - has wondered how these things happen.  And yet the thankfully sane part is happy he is sane - non-codependent.  Y'alls he has a job and an education, he can dress himself and *drumroll* is NOT a man child.  It's like finding a freaking unicorn.  Okay so maybe not a unicorn - how about an amazing pair of sale Louboutin's but really finding those is finding a pair of unicorns you can wear that say, NLLL-me right?

Enough with the unicorns - we're taking it slowly, and we will see what happens.  I will do my best to update y'all since that is why you read and I blog...

So this is where if you are still reading against my instructions X you really really stop reading....

Keep On Reading

Photo:

Six Word Memoirs

Last year I purchased a Six-Word Memoir book on Love, Loss and Heartbreak - quite frankly it is brilliant. We did a little round of it on here too, I think there is so much that can be said in just six words:

Found you when I wasn't looking.

Your voice turns me completely speechless.

And well the list could go on - but I have packages to be completing - check it out: Six-Word Memoirs, they have all the different categories on their website - though I would also suggest checking out the book.

So Yesterday

Well yesterday was a little or a whole lot shitty - but alas, it was yesterday. So on that note an old gem that has been rolling around in my brain this morning.



And another because it also sums up how I feel at this moment...

More Music

I've been dwelling on the topics of long distances, jealousy, growing up and the explosion of marriage around these parts. 

Edit - I had a long blog post about CEF - but since I'm over him and heading for a long bath I'm not going to leave it up - I do not need to be projecting more negativity.

As to the video it was done apparently with a real light bright - check it out on YouTube for the full effect

Love Love LOVE

I am in love with Florence and the Machine, truthfully completely captivated by her voice, her movements, her art as a whole. I couldn't get enough of her (and Lady Antebellum) while I travelled this past week - this song though is not on her amazing cd - so I feel that I need to share it.  I know it is a cover, but sometimes the reinterpretations are better - this is one of those cases. 

Chemistry

Chemistry is a funny thing - you think you have it and you don't or you don't expect it and it shows up in the weirdest places.

Chemistry used to baffle me - not the science - that I was completely down with.  When I look back at the men in my life I find that interpersonal chemistry is nothing like the science.  You cannot combine two elements which you know should react and think you'll get a reaction - Sodium and Water do not a reaction make when it is people we are talking about and inert gases are apparently no longer stable.

I remember this clearly after my date with MW - he said quite plainly - he didn't feel a spark.  If I had been honest nor did I.  But the suggestion that a spark was more important than getting to know me hurt.  I've come to realize that is not what he meant at all.

I had no chemistry with CEF - one more freaking thing that was wrong, so very wrong with that relationship.  But moving on.  I had sexual chemistry with BI to the likes I don't know if there will be again - but we were not by any means meant to be.  I didn't have chemistry with OM, BV or a whole lot of the others until AB.  That threw me for a loop. I remember standing at Miss 60's party and wanting to pinch myself - wondering what was going on - there was something about him - something I hadn't known in my life.  Oddly I had that this past week and it reminded me that as much as I have had my stuck moments with AB - that there are others out there that will make me feel like it just fits, like it is someone who I could talk with for hours etc.  Which is why I just keep plodding on, chemistry can happen in surprising places, maybe it is like inorganic chemistry - you just have to keep mixing until you discover something new and beautiful - like a cobalt compound (cobalt chromium blue).

Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

I Really Should be Sleeping

But apparently my brain feels like it needs to spit something out into the beautiful world of the interwebs.  I have a discussion with CW on Friday, as I was trying to not keel over from my gluten intake,  it appears she doesn't believe in a real true love.  I know there isn't "the one" and I'm not going to ever argue there is only person for everyone - but I do believe that there are people/relationships that are healthier - ones that actually project forward.  Relationships where the guy despite all his talk actually does something to tell the world that you are theirs. CW is not in that kind of relationship and well we all know that I'm not either, that's for sure.  But you know what, I've seen it, I know it exists.  I know that the ones with backbones and feet over head exist - so I'm going to wait.  Yippee more waiting.  Part of the waiting game that I'm finding frustrating is not that I'm not dating at the moment - I've got enough on my plate.  It is that there is this belief that I will be "lucky" or "successful" once I enter seminary.  Yes folks because there is a large number of single men who are liberal, of a similar heritage and love to run roaming around a tiny seminary. It frustrates me.  But before I frustrate you back to the topic of Mr Bomastic a mutual friend of ours posted this picture on FB.  I think it is priceless, especially given the whole discussion regarding his "it's complicated" status.  Regardless of whatever he does to my GI tract - I'm over it.

Attention

Next weekend marks the second year of my not wedding anniversary.  Now I am aware marking my not wedding anniversary firmly slides me onto the cusp of true and utter bitchness.  I am fine with at - hell I ran my first half marathon in Oklahoma nonetheless last year just so that I could say to the cosmos Damn It - I will learn from this, move on, be true to myself and all that good stuff.  I'm not going to make this some big sap fest.  Last year was hard, I last year was still living with the knowledge that it could have happened - I could have somehow sealed my fate to CEF because I am, as you might have noticed, damn well stubborn.

Anyways to avoid major disclosure and all that - I know that for now CEF is living in Philadelphia - I am safe and the world spins on (cue the Weepies song), so in light of that next weekend I will attempt to take whomever I can with me and drink to true love (spoken very Princess Bride-esque). I do believe that there is the kind of love that grows to people together and older/wiser/more mature etc.  I also believe that because we are all flawed love and relationships do and will have their flaws.  That future person wherever they are is there for a reason and I am here for a reason and we will just have to keep trucking on in our own self growth until those paths cross.  I have been gaining hope/inspiration from my grandmother (dad's step mom) who married in her late 50's.  They have been married 25+ years.  She was a nurse, an artist, a farmer and many many things before she was married in a time when being single meant well a lot more nasty things than it does now.  In the end she has had two amazing lives and is one of the most honorable and talented women I know.  So I fear not the world of singleness - I do however fear the world of my own shitty judgment - at least we know I dodged the CEF bullet in time.

Now just in case you weren't aware of the Weepies, a couple that met by happenstance and became this and so much more:

Rings...

A new male entered our work place this week – alarms went off, a code lipstick was issued and in general chaos ensued. In a building of 96% females and 50% of those are single, fresh meat does not go unnoticed, especially when they have an Aussie accent...

But before we go putting him in the memory shoes of my Mr. Big and in doing so replacing that memory with a better option, and one that isn’t 15 years my senior either, I need to convey some terrible news.

He has an extra toe.

Actually he’s married.

No wedding ring.

He’s married, but does not wear a wedding ring. This is one of my pet peeves. As a single woman living in a city where it is more common to be in a common law relationship, it’s already hard to figure out who’s free to look at and who’s not. Further still I don’t understand the no ring concept. If you have allergies there are a variety of options, if it’s cost, there are even more options – the cheapest custom rings on Etsy are below $100 or slightly more expensive.

Now I am comfortable with being labelled a traditionalist – I support marriage, and I have no intention of being shacked up before I am married. Note I don’t care which humans get married to each other, if you are willing to commit for life to the person go for it. I feel that if you man or woman choose to not wear a ring when you are married you are saying two things, one I’m not proud that I am married, and two I am free to be treated as a single person, you can flirt with me, you can look at me and you can try and woo me or whatever you want to etc.

So am I alone in this? Would you wear a ring and why or why not?

And I leave you with this is gem, the truth of Beyonce...