I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

Change of Plans

Lawyer and Guy and I didn't seem to be on the same page and we don't have the same schedule because his parents are in town, but for whatever reason he's found my soft spot or a lonely spot or a something spot because on Saturday night when he texted me to see if I could come out last minute, we ended up making plans for a late movie last night  as I'd been in the Hunger Games with AE that evening.

So he came to the door this time, it was a little awkward, I wanted to hug him, I would hug everyone else, I guess I just felt/feel if you're going to play the role of the man I feel a little awkward being the one advancing the physical aspects of the relationship. But anyways. He picked me up and for the first time I got to run the conversation. In the theatre I sat as close as I could, they sure don't make that easy. So we were shoulder to shoulder and this time no panic. As we walked out of the theatre he took my hand, *FINALLY* it was nice. You know in our culture obsessed with sex I continue to see that we miss out on all the nice, comforting touch that is long before anyone gets sweaty or clothes are removed. I took his arm on the way out of the car to the door, and then there was that awkward, what now dance. Like what should I do? So I offered a hug and got that and a peck on the cheek. It was sweet. I should have have just kissed him.

So what did I do I garnered up the courage to ask him out this weekend. I have zero time and he has his parents, but whatever. Bring it on let's see where this goes.

Lawyer Guy Update

Friday's date was a bit of a fiasco all around so much so I'm just going to try and compose myself in bullet points, since I am very much sober at the moment, though I cannot say the same for the last three nights.

1. I showed up on time, he was early and we some how missed each other thanks to the hostess and my trying to be polite by not asking is there a short red haired guy who possibly looks too old to be my date waiting for me. Once I did then I was seated, UGH.

2. It was awkward, he talks a lot and its interesting but sometimes I feel like asking why the hell do you like me, you know nothing about me, seriously, but I know a lot about you and that makes me even more confused. I made it more awkward because well I'm good with that, I asked about the issue of women and leadership and he was expecting a fight, I am more the go ahead and hang yourself type of woman.

3. Walking to the theatre after dinner he kept cutting me off so that he would be on the street side. Now I am getting some serious flack for being harsh on his chivalry and many times it I like it but he seems to be at the extremes (see after the theatre)

4. Theatre was fine, I really enjoyed it, he seemed to panic about the possibility of physical contact, keeping his arms drawn in and crossed, when we did touch shoulders, I could sense his breathing increase A LOT, like DUDE it's my shoulder, it's clothed, I'm actually completely covered except for like three inches on my arms and I have some toe cleavage going one. This isn't even first base by proxy territory. I moved away quickly, no sense giving him a heart attack.

5. After the theatre he walked me to the car, opened the door and we chatted a little and then as with last week, he didn't walk me to the door, and this week unlike last he had an opportunity and missed it, even after he apologized for not doing it last week.

I got dropped off in the middle of the street and the first thing I said to my roommate when I walked in the house after she indicated she didn't want to interrupt anything was, BLOODY HELL WHY WON'T HE TOUCH ME. Like dude I think we've got something but that something is driving hard into the friend zone wall if you don't prove to me we've got something more.

So the next day after 3 glasses of wine I decided to politely with supervision of AE text him to say thanks for dinner (hell I'm still getting free meals and entertainment I should say thanks), I got this epic text at some point in the night in which I was invited over to supervise him making cookies. Sweet? Possibly. I'm just confused.

Here is a successful man, who seems to have had a relatively normal life but he's got some serious physicality issues and he is sending me mixed signals on the gender roles business. And in all this I'm kind of sad that it's all going bust the way it is. I think that actually garners the biggest WTF from me.

So how do I resolve something awkward, by making it more awkward of course. I'm going to email him and lay out the we're totally different people what is going through your brain business and hopefully I'm lonely and horny are not his responses.

I Wish I Could Ask

MW and friend just left the house after a lovely evening of talking and food consumption. It was all great and quite frankly deeply platonic.  I have been racking my brain for why I feel jealous, why I feel I need him.

I settled on it with the roommate, it comes down to no boundaries. I do not want to nor can I hedge him in, I cannot even remotely expect another visit and nor do I feel comfortable asking how many women he's kissed in the last few months. I would like to for the moment believe I'm special. I mean I know I am but something about Sunday has made me feel less special rather than more special.

Well I'm going to mourn that a little and move on. Sure there are things about him that make me realize that I feel the same about him as I have all these years and yet as I remember a conversation we had almost 5 years ago, I know that what things look like with MW are not as they are.

But in the end it is all too late to consider anything beyond my bed.

Blog Men Update

Just because I am not single doesn't mean that I don't still have man issues.  Not X issues and even if I did we have agreed not to blog our relationship problems... whatever, not the point.

BB is the point.  He posted on FB this week, that he up and moving.  I knew this day would come, boy has roots as deep as a azalea in this city.  I know he wants to be any where but here. That being said while he loves another major city in this part of the world I doubt that it's going to fill the void.  So I sent him off with my best wishes that he finds what he's searching for - maybe he'll find a shrink along the way too.  I mean that with with care - I know it sounds bitchy, but I've been there - you can run all you want, if the shit is in your head, it's not going to help you one bit.  I really do wish I could have helped the guy out but there was just no way to do that and not end up with a bloody mess on my hands.  As for the whole no more free coffee, it's probably a good thing for me, my waistline and well me - I was tired of feeling like I was cheating on BB with X. Yes you read that right - I had a relationship with my barista while I am in a relationship with X. I felt like BB was hoping the next free latte would be the one to send me over the counter and into his arms... oh honey, if it was a JJ Bean latte maybe.

AL:  Well he pops in and out of my life.  Look maybe I'm just too damn civil, or maybe FB allows men I'm vaguely friends with to comment and reappear in my life I don't know.  I find it unnerving.  It's like AB knows not to comment, not to talk to me.  I might BBM AB once every 6 months to make sure he's alive but I normally comes down to a few terse answers back and forth and fizzles out.  Well AL I think just bugs the bajeebers out of me due to our history - the more I look at the more I feel like I was being seduced for a pity something.  To ask me on a date on the heels of knowing your friend and I got very whatever and he's intent on breaking my heart because he's a man child seems cold, calculated and oh ya who you are - Mr. Serial Cheater. 

Aside:  So reading through my old blogs I realize I have lost my writers mojo - happiness and writing do not mix - and now Virginia Woolf makes even more sense to me - you've got to be repressed, bitchy and drinking far more then you should and off the hormone pills to for that matter to get the kind of kicky, snarky and aptly observed stuff out there.  So now the time has come for me to find another source, or just to switch to drinking and blogging.

For you X:

Purging...

Emotions are a nasty bee-atch. In all honesty I texted AB last night, not for a booty call, no point driving a hole through my heart regardless of how drunk I could have been, and for the record wasn't that drunk. I confessed that I still missed him bitterly and I hated that, I hated I couldn't forget him. He said he missed me too and wanted to get together. Jerk.

So what did I do? All day today I cleaned, every corner of my bedroom, scrubbed the windows, the window screens, the walls, floor boards, rearranged the furniture, washed everything. In the faint, small hope that when I got into bed tonight it would feel different, that the memories wouldn't come flooding back in the clarity in which they consistently do. That I wouldn't long for him knowing it was all completely pointless, and that I wouldn't feel jealous. That I wouldn't wonder about the woman who being better for him than me would be able to get him to open up and truly love someone. I know that it is me. Not that woman, no that it is about me. That I can't be that woman, that I'm not that woman. It sucks to try to daily process that, when they are that person. The person who you first really love and open up everything in your life to and they choose to walk away.

So I work to daily purge what I can - leaving the wounds as clean as possible in the hopes they heal, the scars fade ever so slightly and I move on - another one of those faint hopes.

PS It feels no different in bed tonight...

Almost Free of Christmas

I am learning how to enjoy Christmas slowly, one lovely way is being free from my family. It was always the time of year when I normally failed and rightfully so at holding all the dysfunctional pieces together. It was a time for exams, working long hours to pay for the next semester's books, doing everyones Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, tree trimming and decorating, baking and Christmas morning was mine too. Yep 5am I was up getting things going, cinnamon buns and the works were all expected to be ready by 7:30-8... then the long day would continue with fighting, arguing and passive aggressive silence.

But no more. I quit my family last year and found a new one, Ms. J's. They might be dysfunctional, but they drink and seem to take the humor approach to just about everything... this year I get to escape my family and go south all in one fell swoop, even better I get to to take the train to do it. But let's back up things - my joy at the moment is my office Christmas duties are now complete. Yes I do have to shop but being me I have a list, it's being checked numerous times and it's all under control... Christmas can come now, I'm ready, pass me the mistletoe!

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gemmacorrell/3127281463/

Edward

I will confess as it has been referenced in the past that I have read the Twilight series... I have a cougar like attraction towards a character, not Edward, and now I apologize to my adult female peers. It is wrong. Very wrong. Last night when I laid down to have some Ativan assisted sleep, I found myself looking up at a LARGE poster of a snarly looking Edward and while I might have laughed and shrieked at that same time. I realized she looks that this poster every night. What has my 12 year old cousin, who looking like she could be my age in many biological respects, thinking when she sees this? This is my future husband? The first boy I kiss - it's going to be the way it was for Bella? The boy I fall in love with is going to be beyond chaste and never feel me up, though he sleeps by me every night? That I won't ever feel like not being chaste before I am actually ready...

To my cousin I have this to say:

1. Let's all now eliminate that belief you will marry Edward he's fiction, Robert is an actor much too old for you, as for marrying a vampire - well honey I am not going to go there.

2. Your first kiss is going to be awkward, hell even at 20 mine was more awkward than I want to go through again. It likely won't take your breath away, it might, maybe I am a pessimist. Actually now that I think about, wait until you are in your late 20's, have too much gin one night, and after flirting with a boy you've wanted to kiss for months - then that kiss will take your breath away, and do all that other stuff Hollywood promises you. Note #4, because you won't want to stop there.

3. Young boys are just hormones, they haven't mastered smooth yet, they think they have so learn this and learn this quickly because it will hopefully be less obvious the older you get - they will take whatever advantage you offer. The skeezy ones will take even what you don't offer that is what pepper spray and older brothers/dads are for.

4. The above becomes your reality in reverse, you'll be coy while you are young and cute, and once that uterus starts talking, that game goes out the window - you'll become friends with Victoria to help out the gals and Grey Goose to help make that boy on the stool next to you less annoying.

Teenage Angst is Not Good for Me

I've been having a hard time with this whole multiple choice business - thankfully I've been hunting myself down the components for a Katara costume and purging the office - emotional stress does amazing things for my organizational drive.

I've been fighting over the frustration of a grey statement made black and white by myself - I put us at 2 and now the what ifs of 3 are making more noise in my brain then ever in his. Doesn't help that I normally have a hard time wedging myself from my brain as it is, never mind you add all this and of course it would be the same time I find myself immersed in the worst teenage angst book out there - Eclipse - I have read enough of "he leaned in to kiss me... blah blah blah" I'm old enough to know that you are never really old enough to completely block out all the obscene fantasy in it all, somewhere in the 1000 pages I've read so far I found myself going E is oddly old fashioned and wholly unrealistic besides the living dead part and damn it can't AB just kiss me already... oops, time to put the book down.

All this is why I like being single and picky - life doesn't get messy, not like this, but I guess this is all the reasons why I love that Colbie Caillat song right now.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/moylek/250668156/

It Was Better...

I decided against my better judgement to give BV a mercy date, a second shot since according to Ms. J I come undone at the discussion of BV.

So, BV called up this week and yadda yadda keep up with the posts now, so we arranged to have dinner last night at a restaurant I've been to a few times and knew it was a quality place to eat - casual, yet nice. Now I have to admit that for some bizarre unknown to me reason, and to be honest wholly frustrating too but BV makes me lose my brain, act like an idiot, need help getting dressed and in general cause my digestive tract to do something horrible to me and yet I can't say I know why because well he's not crazy smart really, not politically or literally savy, he's not particularly driven, not a planner - and yet for some reason unknown to me I have come unhinged, well to a certain extent - my brain isn't really having any part in this - which I don't know what to do, really shit, anyways this whole date business.

So after a full dinner - ahi tuna and desert (chocolate gelato) we decided to do for a walk down the street where I got hit on, bwahaha, k so I know I'm not suppose to laugh, but hell, it was such the random hit on EVER and I could tell that BV died a little - and ya well that made it all the more funny... still laughing actually about it. We did the loop through the neighborhood, admired the Craftsman style houses, walked past my wedding venue (NO I did not tell him that), and then looped back, because I found out BV had driven. Here I was thinking he had bussed... anyways so the boy drove, and I live within walkingish distance -a walk for me - and I got offered no ride home. Now I have a complex about asking for rides, I've learned I guess being a non-driver to just expect to fend for myself unless it is offered. Well BV did not offer - hmm, so instead we talked until the bus stopped at the light and then we full stopped convo and averted eye contact, me because I was like ah hell no, this is not where anything like that is going to go down, not at like one of the busiest intersections in the city. So hell at least I got a decent hug. And that's where it ended - equal in all respects... 3rd date?

It just seems appropriate - better go and get your armour...

Concoct Me a Potion Would You Please?

One for my exhaustion and then one for the boy who keeps weaseling himself into my heart and I hate it, I hate it, I've had it with AB, I know he's just purely charming, a wonderful guy and all that... but he's not that, and I know he's just not that into this, me, whatever all this is, even though AR refers to him as my pseudo boyfriend, and I am finding we are getting looks left and right from various friends - oh well. That is just that - he is my cookie baking, night night sleep tight person and that is just it - safe, secure and wholly frustrating, as it should be, no?

So that being said, while I could ask for potions, notions and other wonderful things, my question is can you just be friends? In the world of men and women, how does this friendship thing work. NN has a bestest who I even asked why the hell they hadn't, and he said she was like a sister, hmm, so is that what happens, you get relegated to sister status or you're snoggable? Given that the claim is that all men think about is snogging and all that is beyond that, riddle me this, why do they want female friends?

So it's been posted before, but hey I still love it, thanks AR....

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/martal/1373968075/

3 Blogs in One Day Means S&P has better things to do

But can't figure out how to get her brain to work on the important issues, like world peace, seriously that's on the agenda. So as part of that mission, I need to put some of the worriers out their at ease, V had questions and here are the answers:

1. No I have not had the talk with AB for whatever reasons I am holding out having the talk, be them purely being scared shitless to or just letting whatever happen happen, because hell if I have been successful at throwing the multitude of signals out there, and getting nothing in return, that's likely because well there is nothing one way or another, however you look at it, or ya anyways... a girl can still hold onto a sliver of hope that that isn't the case, and the DTR sure is going to squelch that sliver...

2. Why give BV false hope? Because I believe the world needs me to, or so I plan on convincing myself, and who knows maybe he'll surprise the hell out of me - while I doubt it, we all can learn something no? So torture or teach (not that I have much more to give than my year or so in the best therapy I can't really afford) that is what is going to be happening. In the end he is the curious combo of great on paper and shitty in real life - the opposite to AB, who is great in person and on paper, well that's where things get dicey.

3. Vote - New person onto the island, someone anyone, is there a new cast away and preferably not someones recent cast off available? I can handle three, no?

Well Well Well

I have to admit I sat down over an hour ago at my desk to but I keep getting distracted with my hunt for this song I heard on the radio yesterday that sounds so much like Ms. Aguilera but it isn't, so hmm anyways I did find these lovely how to videos on YouTube, so Ms. J no worries, we can start covertly sending these to BV and AB and maybe just maybe things will start working out:


Especially for AB who was getting all the green light signals a girl can give for the last few evenings out, oh well I think that means I'm getting the red light, no? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r87ohPQenso

Ever Had A, I Wish...

you would just kiss me moment? I think I've had a few and one unfortunately came when it was least going to happen given the copious amount of products involved... we'll leave it at that on that one, but really, I am trying to figure out why I've felt like that in two situations in the last 8 months (give you all a nice large ballpark to wonder in so that no one feels left out). Of course the argument is and I can hear it off out there from a certain individual that I shouldn't complain about it, and I should do something about it, sure... that's easy for you to say. I get squirrelly about the whole asking out business, I'm not going to lean forward and slightly to one side to get rejected... because hey maybe my wiring and signals and all that is off. I was thinking about one such case, and trying to in my lovely female Gemini way to over think, analyse it, and no it didn't help that I got the oh but he really looks like he likes you by the way he was looking at you (no that was someone drinking and a certain blue dress) - that was that - nothing more and just nothing.... so we can be glad that I didn't do anything about that... beyond that we also can say I would have most definitely regretted the other case too, but not the for rejection that would have occurred, oh no because it would have been a waste of my precious hormones... just because they seem to be in abundance doesn't mean that I'm all over giving them out whenever the mood strikes.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/osvaldo_zoom/3559716056

Musical Interleud

I think I was in Bloomingdales when I heard this song and it reminded me of how much I missed her music, and hey well the lyrics were apropo: