Hurdles to be Hurdled

So as LG and I are working toward whatever we're working toward and I'm trying to get my head around all the hurdles I never expected to have to hurdle over and trying to see them as good potentials.

For example LG would have better career options if he moves to England for a few years - he was there before he came home to help take care of his teenage nephew due to a sudden death in the family. IF (HUGE IF, I REPEAT HUGE) I were to go with him my certification for chaplaincy doesn't carry beyond North America. It is its own masters degree in the UK. BUT that being said, while I would love to work in chaplaincy, working in a small parish/church I would have the opportunity to do many of the same things as well as developing longer term relationships with members. So it might actually be harder and possibly a richer experience. But that changes what my life will look like as of this summer - so it might mean having some serious discussions a lot sooner than I might want to

But that being said we talked about his hours. I get that lawyers work crazy hours and when I dated X I knew as an in-hospital physician he would also work similar hours. But as I've gotten older, I've wrestled with the reality that sure an extra pay check and a warm body on the other side of the bed are nice things, but if I'm by reality a single parent, why aren't I just a single parent? In that what is the benefit to having a partner who cannot partner with me in all aspects of life. I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself, never mind what that would look like with LG in the picture.

He is still conservative and I know that will be a work in progress, quite frankly I think in this arrangement he has the tougher road. He has strong opinions about things and my life experiences have so far shut down conversations in awkward but humorous to me, exchanges. For example I tweet anonymously and he chided me saying that it's cowardly to not put my name to my opinions. And fair enough, given all the NLLL trolls that populate the interwebs that is a justifiable response. HOWEVER, I have CEF to deal with and I am privileged to a little peace and privacy. That response resulted in a retraction. Yes dude I will fight you on these things like your definition of feminism and Internet privacy. I'm not bothered by it, they are little hurdles that I'm prepared to see where we both fumble.

But all that being said in the last 24hrs my EH account is getting some serious action and I can only laugh. REALLY? Now? I have no desire to push LG to the whole are we seriously dating discussion because the title isn't worth a lot and I'm not adding a FB status to my life so whatever, but I'm not sure how to respond to these men. And I know JS would suggest I test out the waters with these men, but I don't have it even remotely in my heart to.

We'll see - Ms. J and her beau and the two of us have a double date next Wed, so once he overcomes that hurdle we'll see what discussions arise.

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

Online Dating, I hate you.

I have opted to try out EH, and after it took 45 minutes of my life I will never get back filling out its survey, I seriously wondered if all the laughing at its stupidity would outweight the annoyance of it all.

For a moment it did.

Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match.  I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.

Here were some of the deal breakers.

Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.

Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career

I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...

EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...

Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...

I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.

Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.

Musical Moment

AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot.  I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly.  I love it, even though it makes me a little sad.  And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.

Non-Date Date?

I had a run scheduled with BWSMU today at 3pm, no big deal right?  Well my stomach sure thought it was a big deal - I have not had butterflies like that in a while. My head and heart just felt conflicted and maybe even convicted.  I've found myself smiling at his texts, and yes sure he's cute but he's well, he's not X.  Fair enough, he doesn't need to be and nor do I want him to be. 

The issue I had was if this is a date, then it's a date and I need to be okay with that and prepared to deal with that, and if it's not which I believe it wasn't then what the hell is my stomach doing?  Am I missing something?  In the end it was as non-date as possible - BWSMU and I didn't hug, we don't even though he does with other female students.  I almost feel like we passed the point a few months ago where we could have instated the hugging and or not.  Now that we've passed that point, it kind of means something now.  Not to mention we were both wet and sweaty - not really the time to hug someone.   So there you have it a pseudo pseudo date and I don't know why I'm confused but I am. 

Hormones and the Wonders of Booze

I am beginning to realize the at the reason the Twilight saga is so popular amongst the older crowd has really nothing to do with the true love and transportation to our vague and fast disappearing from our memories, teen years. It more has to do with the simple fact that Stephanie Meyers wrote a book that would suck us in and then absolve us of our hidden hormones. While we (those older than 12) might not be willing to admit it, as CW said to me when I finished the series, "Didn't she seem ridiculously horny..." to which I said almost the opposite, "Wasn't it so weird that he was restrained, never once did he cross the line ever, made him seem definitely un-human."

So here's the run down, Bella tries continuously to jump Edward and Edward plays his ironically Edwardian role of chaste lover of her heart and brain... Somewhere this all seems wrong. Okay I'm all for men respecting women - getting to know them for more than what is in their pants, but when you turn the roles so polar I start to wonder what is being said about women and their desires. Let me clarify this we want it, especially as we get older - sure there is some debate about the whole sexual maturity thing, let's say I think a lot of it is directly correlated to the I don't give a shit quotient that seems to ramp up about this time in life too - we realize that we need Spanx, anti-aging creme, exercise and all sorts of other helpers than why the hell should be we shy about wanting it. So we want it, nothing wrong with that now is there? The question is why polarize it, why make it seem like it's wrong? Or is it? Women's fiction has been consistently polarized in the opposite direction and I don't think that is far either, but I guess that doesn't make good fiction now does it. Can't have two people on equal footing, mutually consenting now can we?

The photo highlights the wonders of gin for Katie and me... tequila gives me heartburn and vodka is my friend, it wouldn't make me do the things that gin does...