If last night was any indication

2013 is going to involve a lot of profanity and drinking. And if this morning is any indication of how my life is going to go in the in between times I am going to need the profanity and the drinking.

Last night I decided to humorously tour a certain dating site I normally cuss at when its syrupy ads come on the tele. I laughed my way through the whole thing and then cringed. All the men who I was suggested with are not what I want. I might try filling it out all over again. But I cannot say I'm sure I want to date again. Sure I would love to have someone and at the same time I feel like the stress of trying to make something work at this point in my life is a greater hassle than all the warm feelings of another's hand in mine.

And oddly enough I get to say that with some bittersweet clarity or determination or stupidity. Your pick, because today I received a message from a friend of Ms. J's. I know him and we've hung out but I wouldn't say we're close friends. He came over with Ms. J for dinner on Saturday night. And maybe it was my (actually not mine but this recipe with some secret changes) pork tacos or my general awesomeness (not really) but when he left I had this gut feeling I had actually be awesome, like flirty, I'm so awesome love me, awesome. But I ignored it, the feeling that is. I really didn't think anything would come of it because said boy is just as, if not more so, wilderness and transient than MW. Apparently not. He called me this afternoon, waking me from my nap wondering if I had been on FB today. No, because sleep was and normally is my priority. He asked me to check it and get back to him. My stomach dropped and my cheeks flushed.

I ran myself a bath. I don't much like baths, but I find that they are good place for deeper yet more direct mental dwelling. After all I have to get out of it with an answer before it gets cold. I didn't and I still don't really know what my answer is. The truth in my heart is I know that while he is loyal, he is like a river, he's always going to be on the move and really more comfortable with that kind of life and a remote version of that life too. It's not the degree of stability I want, the life I want or the relationship I want or even see myself having. And yet as I said to Ms. J am I too old to be getting picky when I know he's kind, gentle, loyal and has a good income. Is that all I need? Is that I get?

Oh dear 2013, I don't know if we can be friends.

Life is Weird

I think we all know that, but I mean some days I seriously wonder about things, like how we can wander around so close to amazing things happening and then tumble into them.  I would love to tell you all about the amazing day I had, unfortunately no work has come out of it, and there might be some in the future, but it was a good connection day.  Good, good stuff - no men stuff in that good, good stuff - yay me, doing healthy stuff for me stuff.

And then this evening as I groan about the status of things on-line while chatting with X, I felt like reviewing our little Blog Boy listing and thinking about who is where and who should be crossed off for other purposes and I paused at DB's name.  It's always been one I've struggled with, primarily because he's been in many ways the mythological man in my life who has in the past represented all the things I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I haven't had that feeling for a long time, basically since I started therapy and realized that I needed to fall in love organically, none of this make a list shit.  But that doesn't mean that DB of make a list shit fame doesn't in some small way haunt me in rare moments like this.  So what do you do when someone haunts you and is well not actually dead.  You Google them of course!  And according to the brilliance of Google it turns out DB and I are practically neighbours!  How after living in this neighbourhood going on 6 years have he and I one never run into each other in the only freaking grocery store for like miles and miles (doesn't this always happen in the movies) and two weird.   Even weirder is he's like two blocks away from this good connection I just made.  I kind of feel like I'm being prepared to exorcise this haunt.  I do not feel like I've been prepared enough other than to not freak out when the time comes to do the deed and release it all. Cryptic and weird - yes.  But I think that's what happens when said person was the entirely unattainable hot older brother of a shitty friendship that you really only held onto for said older brother.  It's all NLLL, but yes we are talking about me and men so that's not so surprising now is it.

And if you're wondering if I'm going to start running past his house, goodness no, quite the opposite.

Again unrelated music - but it's awesome, so there.

Bah! Eck!...

So BB was super nice to me this morning bailed me out of a jam with regards to I failed at my payroll duties thus leaving me without the money to pay for coffee etc this morning... so I was going to repay him with money and some food since BB has been so generous.  Problem is... BB being nice and me being nice back because that is the polite thing to do, is also the most efficient way to send mixed signals.  Now Houston we have a problem.  The kind of problem that makes the can of baked beans I ate not want to stay in my stomach.

I will say I have no problem being rejected, I can totally work with that, as I being a grown woman I know how to process it's not you it's me bs and I get it - I can deal with that.  I however can't be that woman to say it's not you it's me - because in the case of CEF and BB and others it has been them.  BB is sweet, but he's one hell of a broken man and I am not in the business of sewing hearts back together and weeding through more bs, lies and all sorts of issues in the hopes of finding someone who is able to walk with me through life.  I can't do that - I tried to do that with CEF, but knowing that I can't talk to another man, go out with my girls for the fear that I might talk to a guy. Sure a little jealousy keeps the passion alive and all that shit but in the end - that which burns red hot has a tendency to consume the bonds of trust really quickly.  Anyways I digress I was really really hoping that BB's departure for a far far away continent to work would make my life easier but I guess not...

I Think I Just

well you don't really want to know what happened when I saw the picture below of an acquaintance's blog *goosebumps, shivers and etc*

Of course they didn't source it, so I'm going to have to search for how it was done because it appears that the spines remained unaltered - how my dear would you do that then, search for coloured spines of your favorite books... they don't really make those, when they do they are normally hard covered books...

PS the whole set up actually makes me extraordinarily happy, white is luxury and the color is well, I'm speechless at the beauty and the BOOKS, oh the books.

PPS - FOUND IT

PPPS - I found this lovely man's music - oh loveliness.

An Update

I made mention that I was going to see how BB was doing these days. A little back story so you don't have to read the last post, though you can... In the beginning of our interaction, he seemed sweet, attentive and well normal (you can see where this is going). He disappeared from Sbucks quite suddenly and then low and behold reappeared on Saturday morning as I stumbled in rather scantily clad in my opinion in a sweaty tank and running skirt (which is easily 3 inches shorter than I would ever dare to wear a skirt under normal circumstances). The same day he slipped his number under my bagel and I went home thinking weee, I have a date with a guy who might be less commitment phobic than AB (and that nothing would be "wrong" with him). So being that I hate the phone, I texted him to set up a date*, and was greeted with a seemingly unending sequence of lovely dovey texts. Red flag - big massive red flag, like size of China red flag. But being that I felt like making AB jealous and being the never quit kind of girl I thought I would give him a chance. I picked him up from work that Saturday afternoon - at which time I will confess it was the last place on earth I wanted to be given that I had run 10miles that morning. But I went. And it went downhill fast. In the first 5 minutes in the car I wanted to inflict pain to myself. In the following 15 minutes I wanted to inflict pain on him. Why? He gave me more personal history in those 20minutes than I gave to my therapist in the first year of therapy after CEF and it was the REAL SKELETONS, not the ones in your high school biology class. I smiled my way through lunch knowing that as my therapist says, "Fake 'til You Make It" could get me through. Fake I am enjoying it, fake that he doesn't scare me in that ewww I know WAY TOO much about you kind of way... So the issue then was this...

He gave me free Sbucks every morning... now I am in many ways a practical girl, at nearly 5 dollars a pop - that is 25/week I could smile, flirt, do whatever in platonic terms it took to get my Grande Soy Earl Grey Tea latte. Or so I thought. See the problem was he was like a 14 year old girl in love and I the unsuspecting 19 year old guy. The bigger problem was the back hugs. Back hugs are not mutual. If you hug me from behind, I am not participating, simple as that. I would cringe and normally facing the barista behind the bar, they would see the pained look on my face that I never tried to hide. I stopped going. There is no way on God's green Earth that I am that desperate.

He texted on New Years - a really really cringe worthy text. So... this week when I got desperate enough for tea and short enough on change that I really really wanted a freebie, I was shocked when I got the cold shoulder. No note on my cup, no back hug, no hi, no nothing, not even a free latte. So this would be where Ms. J would stop laughing and say this is a good thing. I am sure it is but I want a free latte. So I guess in the end I need to whore myself out to someone else, boo.

Now just in case you are wondering - I have done it before, and I will do it again - Sbucks owes me as I have single handily put at least one barista through university if not two.

Continuing on my love of SYTYCD - and someone else other than BB, take note of Ms. Stone's request and get on it.

Part 2 of 3

So about MW.... Hmm, what do the kids call it these days... Sorry I guess before I reveal that I should back this story up. As I was watching the shitty paint job my landlord did on the walls of my room circle around me, MW was busy FB messaging me (after the initial tweet)... he's got a computer and I have a Crackberry, it's about the only way we communicate...

Apparently all the hormones that had left my body had found their way into a boy with a case of cabin fever and a desire to make me blush. I believe you young'ins call it sexting, wasn't quite that but let's just say he wasn't discrete. So there I was trying to figure out how to remove the picture of AB in my head that was accompanying MW's descriptions, I know I am really horrible, and all the while I was trying to figure out how the hell this all happened. Since when did I start wearing an open for all and any business sign because contrary to what seems to be happening that ain't the case. So anyways MW enjoyed himself and I occupied the swirling room, tile floor sitting time with a little humor. So back to this general issue, I expressed to MW I'm not that kind of girl - I love/loved AB so I could rationalize the dysfunctional nature of all that, but well MW is a friend at best, we don't hang out, he lives on a island and all that, and while there are those that argue that's great, it will happen and I can kick him from my bed and the mainland and be done with it. Well I know my heart won't have any part in it. Why is that we think that our hearts should?

PS Next time I drink please just take my phone from me and well maybe I just shouldn't drink, combine medications and fluctuating hormones...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nshepard/1263499165/

Hormones and the Wonders of Booze

I am beginning to realize the at the reason the Twilight saga is so popular amongst the older crowd has really nothing to do with the true love and transportation to our vague and fast disappearing from our memories, teen years. It more has to do with the simple fact that Stephanie Meyers wrote a book that would suck us in and then absolve us of our hidden hormones. While we (those older than 12) might not be willing to admit it, as CW said to me when I finished the series, "Didn't she seem ridiculously horny..." to which I said almost the opposite, "Wasn't it so weird that he was restrained, never once did he cross the line ever, made him seem definitely un-human."

So here's the run down, Bella tries continuously to jump Edward and Edward plays his ironically Edwardian role of chaste lover of her heart and brain... Somewhere this all seems wrong. Okay I'm all for men respecting women - getting to know them for more than what is in their pants, but when you turn the roles so polar I start to wonder what is being said about women and their desires. Let me clarify this we want it, especially as we get older - sure there is some debate about the whole sexual maturity thing, let's say I think a lot of it is directly correlated to the I don't give a shit quotient that seems to ramp up about this time in life too - we realize that we need Spanx, anti-aging creme, exercise and all sorts of other helpers than why the hell should be we shy about wanting it. So we want it, nothing wrong with that now is there? The question is why polarize it, why make it seem like it's wrong? Or is it? Women's fiction has been consistently polarized in the opposite direction and I don't think that is far either, but I guess that doesn't make good fiction now does it. Can't have two people on equal footing, mutually consenting now can we?

The photo highlights the wonders of gin for Katie and me... tequila gives me heartburn and vodka is my friend, it wouldn't make me do the things that gin does...

Struggling

I would like to say amidst all this dating* that I've managed to come to some grand epiphany other than the one that shouldn't get repeated again - I have an issue with that one. The last two dates, correction all but BV have shared too much, and BV couldn't hold a conversation. Look fellas, I know I'm a talker, I work my brain - my feelings and all that out, out loud or in print - which is close enough, and I somehow, just barely have figured out the whole self censor business. Yes I've developed a challenging situation with the NLLL, but I know that the following can cause silence and really awkward situations:

1. Ex's - especially details - like cheating on or by, the dysfunctional nature or any of that, really, seriously - I'm not going to tell you CEF is anymore that CEF - I don't think you need to know that if he ever contacts me that I will without hesitation file a restraining order and while we were at it maybe change my name, move and everything else I considered at one time...

2. Your emotional struggles - goodness we've all had them - trust me, we have, I however think Dr Brain is the better person for my emotional venting, or Ms. J when I've got some booze in me, it's not really first date material.

3. Your job hate - lord only knows how many shitty days I have here, however I'm here in the end because gasp I want to be, crazy shit I know. You don't like the job I don't care what it is get a job you like. I can respect you more for having a shitty paying job or career that fulfills you, than I can do the other - the other is TOXIC, and not in a sort of hot way like the song, Bimbo Spears auto tuned/lip sync'd her way through.

You can tell me the following:

1. Travel - where you've been, where you would like to go and why - ex. I would like to go to India and visit an ashram, or I would like to see Japan because well despite my loathe of Memoirs of a Geisha, the cherry blossoms looked amazing, like well maybe too romantic to go alone, but I would go anyways...

2. What you do to occupy your time - I will shame you by saying I'm a health masochist - I think the best way to spend a Saturday morning is a 13 mile run, followed by a nap/cuddle if I get that luxury or something like that... not that I would offer you a cuddle, but whatever, moving on.

3. Fun - crazy things you've done recently - like I went to a film fest recently... etc

4. If you want to be transparent - tell me about your future goals - BB wants to live in a city I would rather be shot before I would move to for a million reasons - I am high maintenance, and this city is all sorts of wrong, all wrong, very wrong, and it's actually once of the major cities in this fine country. Kids? You know I would like 2 or maybe 4 - let's start with 2, yes my uterus is alive like the hills in the Sound of Music, but I'm not looking for just your contribution, I'm looking for a partner... so yes that would mean I would like you to make an honest woman out of me and marry me before they come along and all that.

But that's it... maybe I should put it at you this way, all this unneeded sharing is equivalent to me saying the following to AB for example, and note in addition to being too much info, it's all hugely unfair to dump on someone, regardless of the situation:

1. I want to get married and I think you're a really really good match - I should be shot for saying that, because while it may be accurate it's not to be said, oh no no no in the words of our fair Ducky

2. I have a ring picked out and L (CW) could get you a good deal, don't worry I've liked the setting for years...

3. The above two imply I want to have your children (which at the moment strikes me as a very odd statement...) and I am okay with the names you've already indicated you like.

I could even get worse, but I won't because I think you get the point...

I Will Think Up a Catchy Title Later...

So when I sat down at my desk a while ago, I thought I would blog about the events on my train ride into work, but now, after sniffling back tears watching the end of Grey's from Ms. J's blog about grief, love and life - I feel like well like I wish there was so much I wish I could blog in this moment, but I am conscious that such an act of transparency might betray me... but alas.

I've been sitting on the edge of grief and all sorts of other crazy emotions this last month. Grief at the lost of something that maybe never was available, the fight over how to hold onto whatever there is there to hold on to, if I can, if I should, and the fight to loose my heart, my head, my whatever and everything from AB. And yet, he was my first, not that kind, he was the first kiss that weakened my knees, still sets my heart off it's rhythm, his hands let me know that through all the really ugly nights, the painful days, the screaming, kicking and all that, all the years of nightmares that being touched by someone can feel like something you wish you could package and carry around with you forever, like life. So I grieve that this is all that that will be.

And I am still tormented, my perpetual dating has shifted from those who are hesitant for various reasons, to the overly excited, and now I'm for worse clinging tighter to the memory of AB. BB while sweet, has turned me off, he shot himself in the foot already - for the love of Peter, Paul and Manolo's WHY?!!! Sure I like gestures, like being flattered - hell I am a lady/girl the last time I checked - but gestures like delivering a coffee to my office, a small bouquet of pink peonies, roses or lilies, a home cooked meal, a cuddle - you know those. But all those gestures come from someone who knows me, knows more of me than what I look like on Saturday morning in my running skirt...

So let's say this - while I did have a better night sleep last night, things are rough on this front, I may just give in and by a pair of these...in the interim this is on repeat today