Another One Bites the Dust

OM got married this weekend.  I'm not going to dwell on my feelings of creepiness at the whole affair and rather just say I'm thankful I didn't once again lose my head and that have been me and more likely, have been invited to the wedding.  I think it's only appropriate that all women who might have dated the groom, or even been awkwardly hugged by him in his unfortunate mom jeans should not be invited to his nuptials.

I cannot say I wasn't a little stung at being still single - don't we all want to get down the isle before someone who snubbed us - especially when there was no damn good reason to be snubbed other than well... I digress, no discussion of creepiness.

I have found myself trying to accept the men around me as fine if they are messy.  I know that sounds weird and let it not be construed as I am caving in desperation.  There is no caving and there is no desperation.  I am just realizing though some may definitely be certifiable, that I need to just deal with their presence in my classes or social circles.  Now that being said, let no single man get any ideas that I have any more pity dates to hand out - BV used my life long allotment.  And really even if for some reason I wanted to do say get out for a evening I would much much rather a night with JS or Ms. J or hell any other woman in my life right now - plus it's almost hockey season - I get all the men I want that way - at a distance, hot and sweaty, playing my favorite sport!

Now for an unrelated song recommendation from X - all about my FAVORITE thing in this world:

Advice to a Younger Me

I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.

My first piece of advice - Date.  Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage.  I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE.  There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you.  Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent. 

Actually it's incredibly practical.

1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk.  You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....

2.  It teaches you want is important to you.  I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that.  But you know what? I REALLY love books.  BV didn't like to read.  I found that out and the conversations started to fumble.  They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job.  You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough.  I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God.  You know what?  It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on.  And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.

3. It teaches you that you are worthy.  In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this.  Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords.  You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.

4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry.  You might be BFF's.  But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF.  Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter.  Seriously.  If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.

A Little Boy Update

I saw (in passing) BV last weekend and it got me started on the flashback (cue the ripple in the screen) and the need for an update

AB: Went to Vegas last weekend, and while I'm praying what happening in Vegas doesn't stay there and he brings something back a little more permanent than a Vegas marriage, who knows.  If he did get hitched I would be interested in meeting her - must be one classy lady

AL: Makes my head hurt, he is so personally conflicted that I don't even bother to deal with all that

BB: Has a plane ticket booked out of here - yes I will officially loose my creepy back hug, but free Americano guy...one more reason to keep up my making coffee at home.

BV: Kind of creeps me out, I have to say he permanently scared me with the side hug, to be honest I think despite the scars he also lost all respect for me to the point I giggle (on the inside) when I see him.

CEF: Let's just say the less I know the happier I am

MW: We keep things as kosher as possible I try to put the kibosh on any type of innuendo, I just can't
stomach going down that road.

NN: For someone who lives in my neighbourhood I never see him, though his FB indicates he's found someone which is great, given he was dumped a week before the alter... it's good to know he kept up hope.

OM: Lordy lordy look who's stuffed himself further in the closet... he's dating a great lady who is about as non-ladylike (by social standards) as they come.  So hell if that makes him happy, GREAT! It just makes me so confused.  I'm not sure if it does solidify my opinion he's a total closet case or maybe at *cough* 40 *cough* he found that he would rather have a woman who wears no makeup, dresses/skirts/feminine-like attire and thinks that an awesome vacation is a week of hiking without a shower.  Maybe I was the straw the broke the whole 50's housewife ideal.  Now I'm no 50's hausfrau, but I really appreciate bathing, liquid black eyeliner, rollers, seamed stockings and skirts.

I digress, I digress.  No new ones to add to the list, and you know what? I'm okay with that because I WILL NOT bow to Mr. Bombastic's attempts to flirt with me, dude I thought about teasing you, but I'm just going to build on my dignity and shut you down now.

The photo?  It's my visual interpretation of what kind of manifestation of the 50's aesthetic I am... and again no it's not me.

I'm a Dork...

I just spent $100 online buying more books for my bloated bookshelf...oh well. So I was thinking that for the sake of clarification we need to run down the "List of the Men of S&P" and do a little update.

AB: Do we really need to update him - He was my first, he is the PeterPan Syndrome poster child.

AL: Habitual cheater and AB's competition in the "It Never Should Happen in Hell, but Maybe on this Earth" games

BB: Once my source for free Vanilla Soy Americano Misto's and a good shudder/cringe

BI: Occasional commenter here, true friend and someone I miss chatting with

BV: Frigid and conversation shy and source of my longest and most depressing date, minus seeing the Hangover together - he cringed and I laughed.

CEF: The reason I have changed most things in my life for the better, like my hair colour

Date: Still the all the forms of possible dates - friend, pseudo or the real thing

DB: Still elusive and I haven't decided how much a chase should go into this case - it would require a serious effort

IT: Still trying to reduce these

MW: Source of unwanted sexting - not going to even provide him with possibly construed as having a subtext conversations - as CW says - a duck is just a duck, and a goose is a goose, and duck duck goose is just a game.

NLLL: Still ever expanding

NN: Also could go by Never Notever... Nice No complaints guy though

OM: Source of many snickers for Ms. J and I from the unfortunate jeans, his closetness etc

So there you go - no options - though CW has proposed a set up with her beau's friend, so we will see what the future holds... for the immediate future this weekend involves vodka, a trip to Sephora and some totally awesome menu planning/Whole Foods shopping.

Call Me Crazy

I am sure you have already. I accept it, I am "down with that" as the young folks say these days, no? But I found this and I have to say as someone who has had to calculate the price of nuptials, especially "budget" ones that still don't look budget or DIY anywhere along the way, this makes me smile.

Smiling is good. Smiling has been limited as of late... so life crisis not averted but talked down to normalish size again courtesy of Ms. J - I have it seems a 3 year plan before I can consider the wonderful world of higher higher education with big lovely price tags that make me want to cry more than the idea that I may never own a pair of Louboutin's - you know future honey out there in the grande wide world - could you take a hint from pop culture and propose with a pair of Louboutin's or Jimmy Choo's or even Manolo's I won't be picky - and you can skip the Legacy setting from Tiffany's... oh no I haven't planned anything I promise *toe twist, bats eyelashes* Seriously I'm at the point where I forsee those coming via my own purchases, and I have no objection to such a situation, but we aren't going down that rabbit hole today...

Or maybe we are - I am making peace with:

1. Not being married
2. Adopting @ 33 - kids are more important to me, shocking I know

3. Debt! For education sake - the kind of debt that falls outside of the "responsible" kind of debt like a car, house etc.
4. That an ultra marathon might take me two years to get to being ready for... 50miles (eek - 26.2 is causing serious fear at the moment)
5.I have grey hair but no worries folks, you won't see it when Ms. J gets through with my tresses - shaving them all off, wigs forever - that way I could look like Marilyn or a 40's starlet every day of my life... or not.

Now before I hear that there are lots of wonderful guys out there - there are I know that, don't think I believe all the good ones are gone. I think the good ones are in hiding for their own safety at the moment and are sending out the closet cases (OM), frigid (BV), and overly affectionate (BB) ones to test us single gals, if we can survive with grace and a little class, then they'll appear magically or not, and hell I get lots to laugh about when I drink with the gals...

Remember When I Said I Wouldn't...

Well because I did I've found myself having a bizarre moment and well ack, so I've got a coffee date with BV and I'm about to lose my sanity - pick me up from my house, like come over, err, shit maybe, yes, no, am I still standing? Well I'm off to go home, take a shot of the very reduced bottle of Vodka in the fridge and soak my swollen feet so they won't complain too much when I cram them into my animal print pumps... or not.

You Know There is a Problem When...

You won't offer your free extra ticket to any man in your Crackberry contact list. To be honest it's not a concert I would take a man to and it's not one that I think any of them would enjoy. I know OM wouldn't and maybe AB would but at this point, he's gone weird and the ex has reappeared, so I'm making my exit. I've learned there is no way to fight with the ghost of an relationship, especially when the ex is floating around all warm like. Funny as it sounds to me, it seems that for CW and myself, ex's are a whole mess that can wrap their floaty tentacles around and strangle the men in question. CW's ex is still somewhat pining after 3 years and well for AB's it's been a while but then again, a while doesn't seem to be while enough. CEF was like that his ex despite his claims of hating her kept reappearing, even post my exit, I heard about her, the ex this and the ex that... and BV? Well I was actually tempted to give him a ring to see if he would occupy me on Friday... I need to unwind and Ms. J and I just get drunk and bitch when we do that. Correction I get drunk and we both bitch about our bosses when that happens... I need to get me some testosterone, and I know that is wholly the full moon coming up messing with my emotions, but whatever.

I realize that this all likely makes so sense other that to say:

1.Trouble in boytown

2. Ex's are the ghosts men seem to have a really hard time kicking for some reason - maybe because they don't sit around for a month in their pj's eating chocolate and getting sloshed on cheap wine while bitching out all the nagging parts with their girlfriends, at the end of the month we've convinced ourselves we're better, hotter and so over you or something like that...

3. I promise not to go trolling for emotional salve from BV because I know that milking a lusting boy for affection is so unbelievably wrong that it could never even for a moment be right, and AB well that's not going to get me anything. Boo

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cavasotti/193505463/

Some like it hot...

I however don't. This city lacks the necessary vents and I lack the necessary cleavage and blond hair to pull it all off (yes even though it was the Seven Year Itch work with me here). It's hotter than sin outside, and inside colder than well anyways. Things are also heating up and cooling off in the most unfortunate ways out in the world of men too. BV messaged me while he was away to find out how I am, and AB while also out of town, and now returned, is well colder than ever... likely for the best, on the AB side of things. BV just makes me mad, which is some respects makes the whole thing hot, but the wrong kind of hot under the collar... fooey.

But in honor of all the hotness, I have recalled a time many moons ago when I took to the rails from Texas in August to the land I live in and along the way met someone who in the moment I wondered if fate was wholly diseased and mentally ill for matching me with for all of a heart beat. Those rulers of the rails state that you must all share tables, and I happened to sit next to someone who for all I could tell was my destiny. Tall, not dark but handsome, fluent in a Cyrillic language and a traveller and had knowledge of of the Motherland, never mind other educational pursuits... nameless, and basically faceless. The embodiment of fate sat next to me and ate an omelet while I had oatmeal. Some days in the heat of the summer I wonder, wonder whether fate has left me be, arranged something, or if all this is just a whole lot of slogging through, giving up and giving in, and all that just to find someone to snog for life - and yes I know that's not all you commit to, but right now I'm willing to ignore the years of smelly running clothes and a love for anime. Maybe we can give fate another kick at it this weekend - I'm off to travel the same rails, but via road this time.

Where are the Fireworks?

Well that title was courtesy of CW... but the blog is courtesy of P&P and my new found love for Mr. Darcy. He is one man we can name in this arena of schmaltzy insanity. Where is my Mr. Darcy? Where is whatever it is that I keep waiting for? Sure BV causes my internal organs to go awry, but he also makes me just well livid, I don't think that is the way it should be. As for AB, here is a poor soul who has been so damn dissected, if he only knew. From his arrival at the birthday party - the second time we'd met to the weekly meeting for the last two months, to the texting while he's been out of the city and damn it to be honest I miss him... (groan). In the end I think to be honest, we (AB and I) are two people who may want something but also are two people who aren't there yet in either heart or mind and in the end even if that is a grand generalization for him, I know that is very much the case for me, I just can't yet open that up to the possibility of nothing happening, guarded seems to be a better idea, though that might be a fatal belief in the end...

Photo http://www.flickr.com/photos/cameraslayer/721257509/

Bleck

So we had an estrogen pow-wow last night and figured out that BV is now officially removed from the running, the energy needed to bring him up to speed with AB seems to have fizzled. It is wholly frustrating though as I discovered this morning as I as flipping through a mutual friends FB photos, BV was everywhere and it made me surprisingly angry/hurt/frustrated - that blob of female emotion we often get... maybe when all is said and done I had the hope that he was something different than what became apparent, crushed expectations, that's that feeling.

Regardless I had tonnes of fun last night and will be doing the same for the next few nights... got to get out and have a life, no? Maybe we'll find the next contestant for the show...

Is it a possibility?

It Was Better...

I decided against my better judgement to give BV a mercy date, a second shot since according to Ms. J I come undone at the discussion of BV.

So, BV called up this week and yadda yadda keep up with the posts now, so we arranged to have dinner last night at a restaurant I've been to a few times and knew it was a quality place to eat - casual, yet nice. Now I have to admit that for some bizarre unknown to me reason, and to be honest wholly frustrating too but BV makes me lose my brain, act like an idiot, need help getting dressed and in general cause my digestive tract to do something horrible to me and yet I can't say I know why because well he's not crazy smart really, not politically or literally savy, he's not particularly driven, not a planner - and yet for some reason unknown to me I have come unhinged, well to a certain extent - my brain isn't really having any part in this - which I don't know what to do, really shit, anyways this whole date business.

So after a full dinner - ahi tuna and desert (chocolate gelato) we decided to do for a walk down the street where I got hit on, bwahaha, k so I know I'm not suppose to laugh, but hell, it was such the random hit on EVER and I could tell that BV died a little - and ya well that made it all the more funny... still laughing actually about it. We did the loop through the neighborhood, admired the Craftsman style houses, walked past my wedding venue (NO I did not tell him that), and then looped back, because I found out BV had driven. Here I was thinking he had bussed... anyways so the boy drove, and I live within walkingish distance -a walk for me - and I got offered no ride home. Now I have a complex about asking for rides, I've learned I guess being a non-driver to just expect to fend for myself unless it is offered. Well BV did not offer - hmm, so instead we talked until the bus stopped at the light and then we full stopped convo and averted eye contact, me because I was like ah hell no, this is not where anything like that is going to go down, not at like one of the busiest intersections in the city. So hell at least I got a decent hug. And that's where it ended - equal in all respects... 3rd date?

It just seems appropriate - better go and get your armour...

Concoct Me a Potion Would You Please?

One for my exhaustion and then one for the boy who keeps weaseling himself into my heart and I hate it, I hate it, I've had it with AB, I know he's just purely charming, a wonderful guy and all that... but he's not that, and I know he's just not that into this, me, whatever all this is, even though AR refers to him as my pseudo boyfriend, and I am finding we are getting looks left and right from various friends - oh well. That is just that - he is my cookie baking, night night sleep tight person and that is just it - safe, secure and wholly frustrating, as it should be, no?

So that being said, while I could ask for potions, notions and other wonderful things, my question is can you just be friends? In the world of men and women, how does this friendship thing work. NN has a bestest who I even asked why the hell they hadn't, and he said she was like a sister, hmm, so is that what happens, you get relegated to sister status or you're snoggable? Given that the claim is that all men think about is snogging and all that is beyond that, riddle me this, why do they want female friends?

So it's been posted before, but hey I still love it, thanks AR....

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/martal/1373968075/

Don't Shoot Me

But I have a date with BV this weekend Thursday *turns and winces.* Goodness we know it's all bad every little bit of it, but hell a night out learning to get through this process when I don't care one pittance about the whole thing, sounds like fun no? Actually let's just say I get some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of how odd and uncomfortable this whole thing can be - like how much I can torture him, and what it is going to take for a decent hug - likely I'll just casually ambush him...I know karma and all that - but hell, I think we call this pass back from the OM incident...

Little side note I had a moment when I texted BV back this morning - I missed his call last night at 9, comatose in dream land or something like that... I double checked the name... yikes! That I can't tell you how many times I've typed out OM's name and then had to quickly edited out after it's been published...

Things You Discuss When It Doesn't Matter What the Hell They Think

NN and I had some interesting discussions because we both knew that it didn't matter what the other really thought of us, because what the hell really we swapped averted wedding stories, the issues between men and women and why things are so ass backwards these days, where we see ourselves, children or no children and all those lovely things. In the end we found ourselves on the whole what does your list look like? Yes that list - we all have one more or less and his was surprisingly simple and yet it accurately summed things up - love me, love you and love God,* I was surprised, it worked, it encompassed so much accurately, and yet, in the end it was funny. I often have Ms. J's words rolling around in my head, actually everyone's words find themselves rolling through my cranial cavities for whatever duration or frequency of time deemed appropriate. Ms. J recently said what do you have in common with AB, really what do you have in common? So with all that jumbled, all this dating* and non-dating has really only be solidifying what I'm not looking for, but what do I need?

I need someone who understands that despite how flaky it sounds - a 9 to 5 job or whatever variation of that is not the way I can live my life, I have to write -the whole it keeps the ravenous dogs caged business, and holistic is important, I also really am understanding how important it is to be present in your life, in your marriage and in your kids life, doing the whole crazy superwoman shit isn't for me - I know I am totally willing to give my feminist card back for saying that. I don't have a huge need to travel or any of that - I would like to have a relatively similar life to the one I have now, socially conscious, community based, challenging to my apathy and ideally involving a little more sleep. So that means that BV once again is out of the picture - dude just hasn't got it, NN would have been good but anyway we need not beat that one, and AB? Well AB has it all and yet doesn't have the one fundamental issue in that trifecta, and no it's not the issue of I loving him and he me business that is sooo not even on the page, it's that faith business. AB could careless to which BI I am sure is raising an eyebrow. This is the very issue that I skirted around with NN, basically I am at the point where there is shit for choices within that community - OM and BV being perfect examples and NN being an indicator that I'm not quite faithful enough, so ya, I'm shit out of luck these days it seems. That list is not going to get filled anytime whether they were non-negotiable or not at one point... the times are a changing folks and I for one don't appreciate the signs of the times.

*this could represent any gods, God or concept of spirituality

So about NN

Well it is safe to say that NN though an amazing guy, finally a good quality one, the kind we've been in hot pursuit of finding is well not the guy for me and thankfully he was clear enough with his actions, intent and all that for it be reassuring to me that the same was the case. NN and I sure have a lot in common and in many ways could work together, could be great, but in the end I'm happy to leave him be where he is and let some other journey weary girl find him. We can hope I turned a corner in this whole process, getting better options and all the while feeling better about the process that you just keep looking. I don't know if there is any other way to go about it, just keep looking and maybe one day there will be someone who works. I have to reiterate that BV is definitely not it, to the point where with a side by side comparison to his roughly equal he just pales in comparison. So that leaves us with AB the dark horse. Hmm, suddenly the island got very very small, and maybe even smaller if I do have the DTR talk, despite feeling that as every day goes forward, I have my answer...

So while the music doesn't quite correlate, I like the song, so there.

I should be crunching something now

Whether that be numbers or my abdominals, I'll leave that to you to determine. N and I were talking about what has now become a take no prisoners, but practice covert operations regarding a few, "just in case" types, of dating policy. It sounds bitchy, it sounds cold, but there is a fine line of understanding, that while friends in a social sense are great - they are the reason I have blogging material now, they aren't what the goal is ultimately here. The goal is try and find someone compatible to get to know better and then see what happens. N and I have gotten past the broken heart crying stage for the moment, I'm conscious that it is very likely to occur on some level with AB, if I am reading the situation correctly someone else is going to be sending time occupying the position I've been holding on park benches, beach walks, social functions and movie nights... and well that is going to stink, but if it happens - I am going to go for a run, then crack open a pint of Hagan Daaz and eat it while in a big bubble bath while listening to Celine, it will be for the night and that will be that... onwards after that... I guess I've realized like so many before me that it just a numbers game, eventually you find the right fit, and before that it's just a journey - full of all sorts of crazy moments, laughter, yes tears, but in the end I guess that's the ying and yang - I can be picky, but I might as throw the next discriminately wide and see what I get.

3 Blogs in One Day Means S&P has better things to do

But can't figure out how to get her brain to work on the important issues, like world peace, seriously that's on the agenda. So as part of that mission, I need to put some of the worriers out their at ease, V had questions and here are the answers:

1. No I have not had the talk with AB for whatever reasons I am holding out having the talk, be them purely being scared shitless to or just letting whatever happen happen, because hell if I have been successful at throwing the multitude of signals out there, and getting nothing in return, that's likely because well there is nothing one way or another, however you look at it, or ya anyways... a girl can still hold onto a sliver of hope that that isn't the case, and the DTR sure is going to squelch that sliver...

2. Why give BV false hope? Because I believe the world needs me to, or so I plan on convincing myself, and who knows maybe he'll surprise the hell out of me - while I doubt it, we all can learn something no? So torture or teach (not that I have much more to give than my year or so in the best therapy I can't really afford) that is what is going to be happening. In the end he is the curious combo of great on paper and shitty in real life - the opposite to AB, who is great in person and on paper, well that's where things get dicey.

3. Vote - New person onto the island, someone anyone, is there a new cast away and preferably not someones recent cast off available? I can handle three, no?

Well Well Well

I have to admit I sat down over an hour ago at my desk to but I keep getting distracted with my hunt for this song I heard on the radio yesterday that sounds so much like Ms. Aguilera but it isn't, so hmm anyways I did find these lovely how to videos on YouTube, so Ms. J no worries, we can start covertly sending these to BV and AB and maybe just maybe things will start working out:


Especially for AB who was getting all the green light signals a girl can give for the last few evenings out, oh well I think that means I'm getting the red light, no? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r87ohPQenso

And the Gold Star Goes to BV!

Yes BV has come out swinging with another out of the blue contact, and all while I have been fussing about the whole DTR with AB. So being that I haven't played this game before but I know how it works courtesy of all the years I watched Sammy play the boys on Days of Our Lives (imagine that with the announcer voice would you please)... so I know that AB can know about BV, but BV given his fragile, yet chutzpah rich state needs to be watered, babied and then broken in ever so carefully. So what does that look like, well dear reader, that means that I turned BV down for the late night comedy show tomorrow night - it is far too late for this beauty queen to be out given my time of awaking - maybe for AB I'll walk into the darkness of the late night sunsetish and stay out until the carriages stop moving, but I will not for a seedy area comedy show, and a comedy show, err, didn't we already go down the awkward comedy route with the Hangover. But given that the first date was horribly shitty, yes it reeked and I wouldn't have given him a second chance, but a boy who can get the guts to call, and make me do the who equally shitty smiling business deserves a little mercy. Not a lot, but a little, just like the little we afford ourselves with our work clothes, a little stretch can go along way.

So AB while we might be muggles together next week, I think you'd better start searching for something to conger up if you intend on winning this race, or even the next round for starters. It is about to get a whole hell of a lot interesting, no?