I Wish I Could Ask

MW and friend just left the house after a lovely evening of talking and food consumption. It was all great and quite frankly deeply platonic.  I have been racking my brain for why I feel jealous, why I feel I need him.

I settled on it with the roommate, it comes down to no boundaries. I do not want to nor can I hedge him in, I cannot even remotely expect another visit and nor do I feel comfortable asking how many women he's kissed in the last few months. I would like to for the moment believe I'm special. I mean I know I am but something about Sunday has made me feel less special rather than more special.

Well I'm going to mourn that a little and move on. Sure there are things about him that make me realize that I feel the same about him as I have all these years and yet as I remember a conversation we had almost 5 years ago, I know that what things look like with MW are not as they are.

But in the end it is all too late to consider anything beyond my bed.

Scratch That

If you're quick on the posts you might have noticed that one has just disappeared.

Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with the name related to them and more so as I'm listening to Bruno Mars and tweeting - you know all the important things you should be doing when you have a paper to write.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single.

I've actually only been officially dating someone for one in my whole life. One in the almost two decades when it apparently counts that you have someone in your life.

The funny thing is I have lots of people in my life that I love and that love me. If anything all these years of digging around in the shit of my life has fertilized that amazing gift - amazing people. They fuel me, they wrap their arms around me, they cry and laugh with me. And they do it every day of the year, not just on the one day that roses reflect a fraction of the worth of relationship - sexual or otherwise.

So while I could ruminate over the desire for a good snogging - heck we're all there at some point, or multiple occasions in the 365 days of the year, not just a specific day. But in the end, like I've said before about relationships - the good ones, the good ones are the ones that fuel you - they're the ones that make you feel like you're dancing on rainbows or whatever happy is to you. To me, I imagine it will be equal to the day I find a gluten free doughnut that tastes like a real doughnut. Fatty dough fried in more fat and topped with sugar you are my idea of brain explosion, knicker dropping kind of love. Yes I have weird standards, but considering that gluten free baking is still a little meh, that's my Everest.

My point?

Tomorrow if you want that snog or you just want to kick the boy you just found out is dating a classmate because your friend found out in a very accidental and awkward way remember this too shall pass and while we're speaking of passing things I'll hand you the chocolate or the wine - your choice because I love you and heck that's got to count for something, even just a little something.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpaxonreyes/5442938096/

A Case of Empty Bed Syndrome

I posted a long time ago about this issue, here.  Most days I am too damn tired or just emotionally disconnected from that aspect of my sexuality, often intentionally delineated because I do not have the space and time in my life to wrestle with it and its feelings. But this morning, even last night, as I laid down all I wanted was someone in my bed, to hold me.

It is hard to deal with but thankfully often easy to forget in the swirl of papers and everything of the deep security of that human contact, of any really deep human contact, especially that from a man. And I will even say it's a little frustrating to be reminded that I do really need it and that it can make me feel all sorts of things I don't know if I really want to at this time. I don't blame the reason for these feelings. But it has given me big things to consider. Like why I felt guilt, like I was cheating on X. Now my brain and heart know it's been a very long time since X and I were a couple and I know he's not coming back around, and as much as I love him, he and I are slowly drifting apart in time and life - what either of us truly needs we are neither.

Now I know there will be questions of subplot/background, I will say only that MW stopped by for a visit during one of his many intentional wanderings across the country. It was crazy to think of the circumstances we had met under all those years ago in the Fall of 2007, even crazier to think that the date that ended with a handshake and a slightly bruised heart for me, became a great supportive friendship where hugs are safe place and a place of growth.

That growth? I realized something sad and profound about myself, the size of my partner/interest has since CEF, and even before him had a significant weight in my life. Not their weight but their height, their presence. It's this small place of fear that still somehow has a voice that says if he's bigger than me, he can hurt me. I realized that this semester when a new student being friendly struck up a conversation with me, and all I could think was you're too tall and at the same time why the NLLL am I scared.

I guess I'm always a work in progress - and who knows maybe that's why the space in the bed next to me is empty - it's where my brain needs to reside on mornings like today rather than the warmth of a safe man.

Postscript: Apparently I forgot to mention that now I'm fighting off the needies? The conscious understanding that what I want and what I need may be fine but the expectation that someone else can, should or even be asked to address those needs is beyond unfair... putting the head before the heart before the other h words too

Not all Date Failures are Real Failures

I was joking with MW today on FB that our friendship is the result of a failed blind date we had in 2007.  More so we had no chemistry, maybe even subzero chemistry.  And maybe that was a good thing.  I was a girl with big wounds I was ignoring and if MW and I had even remotely close to the banter we sometimes get to these days I'd have imploded that relationship and possibly not addressed my real issues in the same process.

But now?

Well I recovered from the initial hurt of rejection, I did think he was funny and cute despite the chemistry issue, I was prepared to role with things.  Hey I was young, I had yet to understand how important chemistry is. And now? Now we're pretty good friends.  I could and would say that I love the guy, not in love with, but I think really really highly of him.  Yes we have continuous cheeky banter that goes back and forth that might make some of my girlfriends eye brows raise, but I will say none of that happened while I was with X (he's a gentleman like that even if he has no intentions) and I think we both know that we would probably die of laughter before actually doing anything remotely romantic if we met up again.  Honestly that is what I like, he's safe in all the good ways - makes me laugh, kind heart and a good listener.

So, I know what you're saying - sounds like most if not all the ingredients for a relationship.  Well he and I are different souls, he's a wanderer and I like roots (As Ms J, X and HSBFF will attest I do not travel well - I'm like a banana), he's a wilderness man and I love the city - I need noise, and not the noise of chickens kind of noise.  That being said, it has made me ponder today this:

As important as chemistry is, when is the need for companionship and procreation a stronger push.

I guess what I am trying to suss out is MW and X would make great dads and partners.  Both are by no means perfect for me, X is definitely more so, but regardless, is this the time to find the best partner and future father for my children and put aside the need for steam in the bedroom?

And I will add that as MW has pointed out there is a difference between passion and chemistry, or is there?

This does not necessarily relate but I love Annie Lennox and the Fray and together well it's perfect

Part 2 of 3

So about MW.... Hmm, what do the kids call it these days... Sorry I guess before I reveal that I should back this story up. As I was watching the shitty paint job my landlord did on the walls of my room circle around me, MW was busy FB messaging me (after the initial tweet)... he's got a computer and I have a Crackberry, it's about the only way we communicate...

Apparently all the hormones that had left my body had found their way into a boy with a case of cabin fever and a desire to make me blush. I believe you young'ins call it sexting, wasn't quite that but let's just say he wasn't discrete. So there I was trying to figure out how to remove the picture of AB in my head that was accompanying MW's descriptions, I know I am really horrible, and all the while I was trying to figure out how the hell this all happened. Since when did I start wearing an open for all and any business sign because contrary to what seems to be happening that ain't the case. So anyways MW enjoyed himself and I occupied the swirling room, tile floor sitting time with a little humor. So back to this general issue, I expressed to MW I'm not that kind of girl - I love/loved AB so I could rationalize the dysfunctional nature of all that, but well MW is a friend at best, we don't hang out, he lives on a island and all that, and while there are those that argue that's great, it will happen and I can kick him from my bed and the mainland and be done with it. Well I know my heart won't have any part in it. Why is that we think that our hearts should?

PS Next time I drink please just take my phone from me and well maybe I just shouldn't drink, combine medications and fluctuating hormones...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nshepard/1263499165/

Part 1 of 3

It was an interesting weekend that warrants an update in parts.

So DB was not dethroned via conventional methods, there was a breakdown in communication with Ms. J. I got my hormonal self out of bed finally at 4pm on Saturday to get ready. Instead of heading out I spent the evening in Velcro rollers, jeans and a Lululemon hoodie. But fear not all fun was not lost. BR and her friends has a party to attend and started the drinking early, so I was mixing my Midol and Merlot (not to be done again)... I managed to avoid the clubs with them due to my non-existent club wear. I have to say it's been an interesting year shopping wise, I've purchased almost no work clothes and instead have a closet full of running gear and some date appropriate clothing, now a club/party outfit needs to be added to combination... did I mention I don't dance, not that I have anything I against it, I can't. But we are digressing. So I watched the game with Merlot in hand, bid adieu to BR and eventually I wandered off to bed. Well lo and behold the M and M combo made me violently nauseous at about 1:30-2am, about the same time MW twitmessaged me. So in my rotating room, keeled over haze I found myself venturing into Part 2.

But we'll leave that for a moment, back to DB. He was found in the cards to be one of patience. Years have been spent on this pining and I've really just given up. The stars would have to realign and major changes to be had if this were to be. So DB is freed but well damn it as I've said a few blogs back the relationship well has most blessedly run dry.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/visiwalk/6077014/

Single...

I realized as I crossed the finish line this weekend and more recently as I was trying to figure out who to take to my office Christmas party (still looking for a date - free food and booze). AB is playing the maybe game about the party, and MW is too wilderness boy for the party... I would consider OM if he wasn't well, creepy...

So here's the deal I am not happy with my options. I mean in theory I would be happy with AB if he stopped acting the fool. MW is funny and a good friend and a strategic friend given his job, but in the end I don't think we can gel so that traveling with me to races and living in the city would work... so I am going to be moving forward single? I guess so. I am going to be looking for travel friends in the future - there is a race in DC in March...

I guess what I'm getting at as jet lag is doing bad things to my brain is this whole relationship thing is proving itself useless at this point. Back to that whole happy and single thing...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hansme/3644160738/

Tough Love

Courtesy of my aunt's 100+ channels of everything under the sun I found a show called Tough Love 2. I was actually kind of surprised because in the middle of all the weird shows they have on reality television, it seems to get to the heart of the million and one problems we single women seem to have. I thankfully haven't required an embarrassing television show, I have however found that hours and months of expensive therapy have helped in some ways. In the end I don't have the luxury of a show to screen through potentials. But as I sat staring at the mess of my luggage in my cousin's Twilight infused room, thinking about AB who hasn't bothered to see how I am and my frustrations at wondering how even a friend can do that, and MW who has stepped in with a vengeance - he's always been a great occasional chat person, but he's been really saving the day with his cheeky humor trying to deflate the anxiety... I know that no act in my life defines me - that my past doesn't make me a certain kind of person and to the daily acts that my actions tomorrow - that that race is not me, success or failure it's one foot in front of the other...

Jet Lag

I am having a serious issue with this jet lag business. I had 3 cups of coffee this afternoon so I could haul my ass out of bed at 2pm. I did everything I could to get awake - shower, shave, full hair styling - which I might add is a pain in the ass - makeup, non-comfy clothes, and then I found myself reading Roy's new book and wanting to pick my eyes out slowly with the text from the page - I'd have to extract it first though.... I digress. But here I am awake. I am awake and slightly annoyed.

AB hasn't texted. I kind of figured, and yet I didn't. I didn't think we'd go 24 hours not texting just because, sure we have before under other reasons. To add to all this I guess I need to add another person to the list... *deep breath*

I have a confession. I have done online meeting - not online dating - because I have not "dated" any of the men I have met. I have however made friends - made long term friends with two men I found on a site devoted to people of the same religious/socio-cultural heritage. I met one of them, we had fun, but there wasn't sparks then. Now? Who knows I've done a lot of therapy and hell of a lot else in my life. While I would like to say I have changed, in many ways I don't believe that I've changed in ways to make me any more attractive to this person - in the sense of long term goals. I know he's ready to settle down more or less, and all that - anyways I'm not getting to the crux of things. We've been cheekily flirting I guess via FB and Twitter, he's funny, he's got his shit together, and as much as I wish I could tap AB on the shoulder and say see - I guess I could say see what - someone not far but not close to me, someone who I don't know if I would spark with all over again - I don't know. *deep breath* This is where I try and pry all that I've given to AB away from him since he isn't sure enough so that I know he doesn't really want it in the end - y'all know what I am getting at... and just move forward. Move on towards an expensive educational pursuit and whatever else life has in store.

So on that note we give him a name - More wilderness boy than this city girl can handle. I think that works

Blog Boys

AB aka:ABWLHSTDTAAP (Artistic Boy Who Lost His Shot To Date This Apparently "Amazing" Person...) - LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
AL aka: BWCTBISOA (Boy who claims to be in search of Ariele) Ariele Lover for short... no? SINGLE
BB: Barista Boy or Slow it on down there, don't chase me I have bad Grade 2 memories I haven't addressed in regards to that....  MARRIED, ALREADY DIVORCED and TRYING THE SAME WAGON AGAIN...OY VAY
Belgian Boy: An accent to make you weak in the knees and a heart as warm.
BIaka: BIWHMBHWTMK (Boy I would have married but he wasn't the marrying kind) ENGAGED/LT
Mr. Brilliant: Awkward non-date and little else to describe our friendship. He's too like me in all the ways I don't like me to be a suitable match. DATING
BV aka: BVHMAOMP (Boy V has met at OM's party)
CEF: Crazy Ex Fiance
CW: Co-Worker since *giggle* is an appropriate description - social justice minded, thesis writing, funny guy
Date* - Includes all the forms of possible dates - friend, pseudo or the real thing
DB aka: DBWCPAMHOR (Drummer Boy Who Can Play A Mean Hand of Rook) - On paper he is all that I should want and ever need. I've known him since I was a child and he has always had this inexplicable pull for me. GIRLFRIEND? Regardless, no longer interested
DirectoryBoy: Fellow student with some weird views on women. Let's just say that's a ship that I torpedoed.
Mr. Not So Grumpy Anymore (Formerly known as the Douche):Moping, always sullen fellow student, questionable possible dating material DATING (thus the non-grumble status)
IT: Intentional Typo
Lawyer Guy: The name says it all - he's a lawyer, he's a guy and he is my EX-boyfriend and is now referred to a NLLL-Ex-Boyfriend or NB
MW aka: MWBTTCGCH (More wilderness boy than this city girl can handle) - Tangoed with that oh so briefly.  DATING
NLLL: Non-ladylike language
NN aka: NNBFMCD - New Neighbour Boy From My Chemistry Days MARRIED
OM: short for many options MARRIED
RB: aka Runner Boy - the sort of dater, sort of single one and definitely not sort of an option.- MARRIED
WTD:What the Duck - my Blackberry's overused phrase as of late...
X:Mr. International Man of Mystery and absolutely lovely to boot.

Last Updated: September 20, 2013