The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

So It Repeats AGAIN...

I am becoming daily all the more tempted to write the following letter to these men who are looking for this mystery feminine woman.

Dear EH Man,

I am wondering about your profile, it seems that you and most Christian men seem to be looking for a "feminine woman" to make you feel like a man. Would you mind explaining this to me? The reason I'm confused is as a woman I have never felt the need to turn any man or woman to make me feel like a woman, as well I am biologically so. Are you then looking for a woman who is prepared to inflate your own understanding of socially constructed gender identity by being a submissive, never questioning woman who functions as your other half, without herself being a whole independent person, with her own voice.

Thanks,

Questioning

 

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Feel Free to Smack Me Anytime Now

First it should come as no surprise to you that I'm now going to be posting more often over the next few weeks because I have papers to do.  Oddly posting though procrastination seems to be the mental equivalent of going for the run to calm my nerves, it gets some of the ants out of me.

So on that note, today's post and the reason you can smack me.

This online business has made me realize I like being single.  For the love of all things pink and sparkly where are all the good ones for me?  I am not saying that online dating is full of duds, I means I know there are duds, but they are everywhere.  Which as an aside is rather unfortunately because if they could all be relegated to the interwebs maybe life would be more peaceful.  But this is not my point.  I know I'm unique, and I mean that in all the positive and not so positive aspects of that word.  I really cannot date Americans - though yes if you are counting CEF, X and the majority of my currently peer selection fall into this category.  I don't have a problem with Americans, I have a slight issues with their lack of health care and their bloody backwards ideas about marriage, birth control and war, especially war, being that I am a pacifist.  So you add that plus the graduate degree I'm pursuing which is extremely polarizing in the religious community I am apart of and fishing in for my "future someone," then tack on the dysfunctional body and even more complicated and dysfunctional past, especially the lack there of my v-card.  Which taking another aside was lost not by my choice initially and then it was freely given to AB and X.  I don't have any qualms with that part of my life, with those choices, but I have come across men who believe that I beyond damaged goods for those choices, that I've passed myself around.  Which quite frankly is a completely sordid load of NLLL in my opinion.   So whatever, the point is not to say I'm broken and a mess.  I guess, the issue is the same as it was 5 years ago.  People, including myself, are too damn complicated to be online dating.

So basically I've come to the opinion not only is it a load of NLLL, but that X is still the best one out there.  Yes yes and this is where I have to also say and how exactly do I and X maintain a relationship? We cannot and such is this whole bloody crock.  I still love a man who is wholly unattainable.

Even worse I cannot even claim the following for my actions:

Oh well.  Back to the books.

More thoughts...

I've been catching up on my sleep and rest - going with the "screw consciousness"* approach to life, primarily because I cannot function.  I'm a hot mess - I know I'm a hot mess, coming off the sugar, caffeine, adrenaline, the existential crisis - all of it is a clusterf*ck that turns me into an even bigger one.

But back to Belgian Boy - I have been thinking back, trying to trace if I had or thought or even considered this before this past week.  And... I must confess I did.  For one brief moment in orientation - he caught my eye.  But at that time I was still dating X and I believe you can acknowledge someone's attractiveness but you leave it there when you've got someone.   But after that though we were in the same classes together and even a history tutorial together where yes he proved his thoughtfulness by baking cookies without eggs or gluten - a serious challenge.  The kicker in the what the hell am I feeling here moment?  The place we were all at, is a community house for some of the students, and one of the family's has kids.  Seeing a little three year old curled up in his lap had my uterus screaming so loud I am sure every person in the room could hear it.  I know I could.  Note to single men, genuinely being interested in small children is probably one of the top ways to indirectly turn a woman to mush.  But it is what it is - he'll make someone happy and I can take that victory.  The world needs good men and that is all I'm fighting for these days.

Though I must say, I find it incredibly amusing that I'm smacked upside the head by this, while trying to avoid a fellow classmate.  He and I have had all the same classes this past year, the same late night Tuesday class to be specific.  He's a sweet dear man, who is looking for a wife.  There is a distinction.  There is a distinction between wife and partner hunting.  Wife hunting comes across differently, it conveys to me a sense of looking for someone to make life less boring, but not necessarily considering who that person truly is.  That is not to say they're misogynists when they do so.  Absolutely not, I just do not like being hunted irrespective of who I am and where I am going in life.   And since I am up a sh*t creek without a paddle or even a boat these days when it comes to that, why would I get into a relationship where I don't get to figure that out.  But that's a bit of a detour.  He's sweet, and I'm getting all sorts of signals, the kinds that cannot be obscured in any way.  So I have taken to trying to avoid him, in an attempt to discretely give off the signal of not being interested, as I have not desire to pop a single 40 year old man's bubble...

*Supernatural - see I'm catching up on all sorts of tv and wondering if it's doing more or less damage to my brain

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bahnwolle/7070950057/sizes/z/in/pool-52239892911@N01/

So about tequila

I have decided when it's mixed with coconut rum and lime juice it makes a very potent but fabulous drink. Two of those later and I was having a warm all over feeling... maybe warm enough to the idea that this year is a year for getting my shit together more than it will be about getting into a relationship.

See here's the inside track on my life - I have one degree completed and another almost complete and those are incredibly long stories in and of themselves. Needless to say I realized over the Christmas holiday that I have some dreams I need to pursue to their end - whether anything becomes of them or not. Graduate school - primarily a PhD is the very end goal. I have a plan and I have a game plan to get Ms. J to come with me, in theory. She wants her PhD too, just in a completely different program, and being that we are compatible studiers I figure why not press each other onto our respective goals... so this year includes quitting work - and I've ALWAYS worked since I was 15. Going to school full time (20 credits left and one audited English class), writing the GRE which if it is anything like the MCAT I might just shoot myself, and last but not least apply for the top 7 of my area American schools and 3 Canadian schools, the UNPeace school, and two non-profit related MBA type programs. Now why you might ask, well I don't want to waste a year, I want options and I know that while the later aren't my first choice I do still find those areas fascinating and I know I need to be practical...

So will there be boys on the agenda. This is S&P we are discussing, there will ALWAYS be boys on the agenda, question is if it's just about the looking or more.

Tonight's music selection from An Education, an amazing beautiful movie and Duffy is fabulous, see her in concert if you can.

CEF and the Challenges of Dating (Using Bullet Points)

In reference to a comment on a previous blog I have decided to parade out on of the skeletons in my closet, that oddly affects my ability to date.

We all have skeletons - this one happens to be a 6ft plus skeleton of CEF... Now I will say that my main reason never to talk about him is well it's a small world and the last thing I need is in this small world to have him find me under a new open frequency - the rest have been closed to the best of my ability - so I will say if for some bizarre reason the story resonates - you think you know him - please keep it our little secret - it avoid me filing that restraining order I'd been meaning to do and shutting down this blog like the last one and other events that would follow.

Okay on to more happy talk, or something like that - actually you may like I am going to, go get a mug of Baileys with coffee added or something appropriate to make this go down a little cheery.

I don't limit my sharing to the blog, no I am one with little self censorship - with the life I've had to this point and more importantly the jobs I have had - it's meh seen it all, what's the point in candy coating it. That however does not work for the whole get to know you process. I have found that dates don't mind some aspects, however the flashing sign a mile high saying RUN, is the fact that I was once engaged.

I have taken that fear to mean:

1. I was/could be now ready for big commitment which I guess could be intimidating for some, though if you're not and 29-35 I guess it's a good thing I know that now and not say 6 months from now when you pull out some closet Peter Pan like shit.

2. I was either dumped therefore permanently scared or possibly a little off (which I am anyways - we all are, just saying) and or I did the dumping and thus can be a cruel heartless bitch.

I can. I was. And note I will be if the need presents itself again. I dumped my abusive, controlling, seriously missing a few marbles fiance on his manipulating sloth like ass. It was brutal. My people pleasing self felt like a bitch greater than Janice Dickinson, and sure it crushed me. BUT I will never apologize for it - because if someone is expecting me to apologize then well they would be implying:

1. I had the foresight to see that once I got engaged that CEF wouldn't become the controlling nutbar he became

2. I should have gone along with it - got married, moved half way across the Northern Hemisphere to become his mother/shrink/pet/victim and ultimately party to the lie he built for the world to see.

So that was long and a little interesting and maybe or most likely made you feel like Googling pictures of puppies. I know that the dating world is cruel and vulnerability is a harsh thing - but the point to all this sharing is - in bullet points again.

1. I will say that it gets better - that's why I blog - though it's not a witness to the getting the better part, oddly the opposite.

2.For me and everyone else dating, remember that it's a messy process but do you do to remain vulnerable, laugh and keep your head up - we're all in this together. That means none of you get to find someone before I do....

My solutions: I bitch, laugh, run and became the girl with a bottle of vodka in her freezer at ALL times, because we know that it is always my friend - gin and tequila are not.

January 24, 2010 8:52 AM

6 Word Memoirs...

I have a handful of addictions - caffeine, vodka, vintage fashion, high-high heels and book stores. Bookstores get me more excited than anyone has, well anyone other than AB to this point in my life... I know it's a different kind of excitement, but the euphoria is similar. The smell of used books makes my toes curl along with the sides of my lips as they form a smile. So in our attempt to avoid a perma-drunk state as well as get fresh air Ms. J and I found ourselves in the local independent bookstore. I left with a handful of books. One of the smallest and in many ways simplest addition to my expensive book collection is 6 Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak. The premise simple, 6 words to describe any aspect of the topic.
Some examples:
Love blooms like crocuses: dirty, brave.

It helps to label the books.

Lost my virginity to her husband.

And so the book goes on... so my dear readers I think it's time to add some to the book.

Boys suck. The End. Wanna Date? - courtesy of Ms. J

Even returned the empty conditioner bottle.

I run, catch me, we'll discuss.

Hugs from behind are not mutual.

Love = carrying me when feet hurt.

Your turn...

Jet Lag

I am having a serious issue with this jet lag business. I had 3 cups of coffee this afternoon so I could haul my ass out of bed at 2pm. I did everything I could to get awake - shower, shave, full hair styling - which I might add is a pain in the ass - makeup, non-comfy clothes, and then I found myself reading Roy's new book and wanting to pick my eyes out slowly with the text from the page - I'd have to extract it first though.... I digress. But here I am awake. I am awake and slightly annoyed.

AB hasn't texted. I kind of figured, and yet I didn't. I didn't think we'd go 24 hours not texting just because, sure we have before under other reasons. To add to all this I guess I need to add another person to the list... *deep breath*

I have a confession. I have done online meeting - not online dating - because I have not "dated" any of the men I have met. I have however made friends - made long term friends with two men I found on a site devoted to people of the same religious/socio-cultural heritage. I met one of them, we had fun, but there wasn't sparks then. Now? Who knows I've done a lot of therapy and hell of a lot else in my life. While I would like to say I have changed, in many ways I don't believe that I've changed in ways to make me any more attractive to this person - in the sense of long term goals. I know he's ready to settle down more or less, and all that - anyways I'm not getting to the crux of things. We've been cheekily flirting I guess via FB and Twitter, he's funny, he's got his shit together, and as much as I wish I could tap AB on the shoulder and say see - I guess I could say see what - someone not far but not close to me, someone who I don't know if I would spark with all over again - I don't know. *deep breath* This is where I try and pry all that I've given to AB away from him since he isn't sure enough so that I know he doesn't really want it in the end - y'all know what I am getting at... and just move forward. Move on towards an expensive educational pursuit and whatever else life has in store.

So on that note we give him a name - More wilderness boy than this city girl can handle. I think that works

Call Me Crazy

I am sure you have already. I accept it, I am "down with that" as the young folks say these days, no? But I found this and I have to say as someone who has had to calculate the price of nuptials, especially "budget" ones that still don't look budget or DIY anywhere along the way, this makes me smile.

Smiling is good. Smiling has been limited as of late... so life crisis not averted but talked down to normalish size again courtesy of Ms. J - I have it seems a 3 year plan before I can consider the wonderful world of higher higher education with big lovely price tags that make me want to cry more than the idea that I may never own a pair of Louboutin's - you know future honey out there in the grande wide world - could you take a hint from pop culture and propose with a pair of Louboutin's or Jimmy Choo's or even Manolo's I won't be picky - and you can skip the Legacy setting from Tiffany's... oh no I haven't planned anything I promise *toe twist, bats eyelashes* Seriously I'm at the point where I forsee those coming via my own purchases, and I have no objection to such a situation, but we aren't going down that rabbit hole today...

Or maybe we are - I am making peace with:

1. Not being married
2. Adopting @ 33 - kids are more important to me, shocking I know

3. Debt! For education sake - the kind of debt that falls outside of the "responsible" kind of debt like a car, house etc.
4. That an ultra marathon might take me two years to get to being ready for... 50miles (eek - 26.2 is causing serious fear at the moment)
5.I have grey hair but no worries folks, you won't see it when Ms. J gets through with my tresses - shaving them all off, wigs forever - that way I could look like Marilyn or a 40's starlet every day of my life... or not.

Now before I hear that there are lots of wonderful guys out there - there are I know that, don't think I believe all the good ones are gone. I think the good ones are in hiding for their own safety at the moment and are sending out the closet cases (OM), frigid (BV), and overly affectionate (BB) ones to test us single gals, if we can survive with grace and a little class, then they'll appear magically or not, and hell I get lots to laugh about when I drink with the gals...

Squishy

Somewhere in the last year I went soft in more ways than one. I used to be smaller, a lot, and now I'm a living example of why a vegan diet is a beautiful thing. And so now the long crawl back to those jeans still tucked away in the bottom drawer. I know that it isn't all bad. I've said if all I had to lose or in the end gain was a few extra pounds in all the NLLL that went down in regards to CEF that is all is still for the best. Really I could have gained a CH (Crazy Husband) and then the lovely title of divorcee or something like that... because let's be honest, it would have gone down that way somehow, someway. I don't know how, when I look back at it all that things went as far as they did... anyways. Back to the grind, so I don't cringe a little internally every time AB touches me.

Music for the fun that will be had, toxic and fluffy:

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fre_natae/3209332438/

Is it a possibility?

I Couldn't Reach the Stool or My Confidence

I will confess I believe the cosmos has a sense of humor. I managed to get out of work early last Thursday and so hustled my tired self home. I had a premonition that gum and a little touch up was a good thing - so I did. AND low and behold who'd I see - my missed connection who I've never been able to track down since before Christmas - I honestly think we both looked a little shocked when we turned to each other - or my face could have had an Oh S@#$ what am I supposed to do now? And there in that moment I fell off the horse, bar stool or step stool I was on. He didn't do anything and as I waiting for him to get off the bus, who gets off before him Morning Bus Boy and I was like Oh of course - the two men of the #16 bus on at the same time and I'm here looking cute and yet nothing. I could pry my lovely self off the seat, but really? Isn't it the time for the men to do something? There I go being picky again.

For no other reason other than sometimes we need these kinds of songs to get back into the swing of things, I mean Pat Benatar isn't quite the ideal, love might be quite the fight, but seriously we're going for easier here.

Back on the Horse or the Bar Stool?

JJ and I are both stuck, we've been on the horse before, we've also been on bar stools before and neither it seems have been good times. So now that we are racing towards an age we won't mention, with very little in the way of prospects we're trying to figure out if we have gotten something fundamental wrong in this whole process. We know what we want and we know that is more than likely not in one of the downtown restaurants, but maybe we don't need them. Hear me out, maybe we just need to get the game out of the rust factory it's in, get a free drink, a wink and smile and get the ole hottie mobile in gear. Who cares if they never call, never really looked at your face and just memorized your rack, maybe that's all we need for that brief fleeting moment to pursue that which we really want. In JJ's case a blind date with a hottie MD she spent one fleeting night in conversation with a party years ago, and me? A friendship with a boy who knows to keep his hands to himself and his honesty consistent would be fabulous right now - give the whole fact that I got bucked from the horse and royally smack my head, I think I've got to walk the horse a while before I try the jump.

Photo http://www.flickr.com/photos/grimjaw/322726896/