Edward

I will confess as it has been referenced in the past that I have read the Twilight series... I have a cougar like attraction towards a character, not Edward, and now I apologize to my adult female peers. It is wrong. Very wrong. Last night when I laid down to have some Ativan assisted sleep, I found myself looking up at a LARGE poster of a snarly looking Edward and while I might have laughed and shrieked at that same time. I realized she looks that this poster every night. What has my 12 year old cousin, who looking like she could be my age in many biological respects, thinking when she sees this? This is my future husband? The first boy I kiss - it's going to be the way it was for Bella? The boy I fall in love with is going to be beyond chaste and never feel me up, though he sleeps by me every night? That I won't ever feel like not being chaste before I am actually ready...

To my cousin I have this to say:

1. Let's all now eliminate that belief you will marry Edward he's fiction, Robert is an actor much too old for you, as for marrying a vampire - well honey I am not going to go there.

2. Your first kiss is going to be awkward, hell even at 20 mine was more awkward than I want to go through again. It likely won't take your breath away, it might, maybe I am a pessimist. Actually now that I think about, wait until you are in your late 20's, have too much gin one night, and after flirting with a boy you've wanted to kiss for months - then that kiss will take your breath away, and do all that other stuff Hollywood promises you. Note #4, because you won't want to stop there.

3. Young boys are just hormones, they haven't mastered smooth yet, they think they have so learn this and learn this quickly because it will hopefully be less obvious the older you get - they will take whatever advantage you offer. The skeezy ones will take even what you don't offer that is what pepper spray and older brothers/dads are for.

4. The above becomes your reality in reverse, you'll be coy while you are young and cute, and once that uterus starts talking, that game goes out the window - you'll become friends with Victoria to help out the gals and Grey Goose to help make that boy on the stool next to you less annoying.