Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.

Online Dating, I hate you.

I have opted to try out EH, and after it took 45 minutes of my life I will never get back filling out its survey, I seriously wondered if all the laughing at its stupidity would outweight the annoyance of it all.

For a moment it did.

Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match.  I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.

Here were some of the deal breakers.

Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.

Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career

I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...

EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...

Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...

I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.

Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.

This Makes Me Angry and Feel Oddly Helpless

In regards to CEF... we don't talk about him that often or even because I don't really like reliving the terror/fear he brings up... but because of that fear, I also keep a cautious eye on his moments, sort of like a make sure you don't cross any major borders, stay in your time zone kind of thing... I have a friend who does this for me normally but since they've lost touch, I had a recent look, we have an issue of sorts.

I am going to be spending some time in a city that he now lives in, since what the hell when, and now I'm trying to figure out how to hide while I'm in this said city. Yes I'm aware it's a large city, I'm also aware fate/life has a very cruel sense of timing, and I wouldn't for the life of me be surprised if I saw him... so I'm trying to figure out what kind of disguise I'm going to have to factor in... I've dyed my hair since the separation and I'm pretty sure he isn't aware of that given those pics have been limited for security reasons... beyond that I'm not sure what I can do other than leave it off my Facebook status so no one gives him an inadvertent heads up - since we still have mutual friends.

Happy Friday...

SBucks in Hand and a Blue Dress at Barefoot Contessa

Make a day better. I have to say this current situation all of a sudden has given me flash backs to 2003/2004 when someone decided that what was on the other side seems greener and then a year later tried to hop the fence. See the problem was Mr. I Play a Guitar and Do Photography while still hot in some ways was still the same broken indecisive person, the same person who couldn't seem to truly understand me, be comfortable with me. So a year later when I gave him a shot, we fought, we fought because he believed he knew me and yet he knew nothing nor was he open to who I was. The situation with OM is the same almost word for word - I wonder if there is a book that these men are following... I think you're hot (but you wouldn't know it because I don't treat you like that) and yet there's this other person who seems to fit my missing pieces better. I am not here to: "complete" someone, to fix someone (there's therapy for that - it's good I recommend it - someone who doesn't have anything invested should be the one to deal with your emotional baggage because my baggage has been unpacked, sorted and cleaned and now I'm good to go forward), to be someones arm candy, to be anything but whoever I am growing into and if I need to I will tattoo that too on my body while I'm getting the rest of my lower back done.

So CC, J and N while three of us are still single I think we've all come to this place and likely will again and again, when it's right it will be right and the rest of the time while they just continue to disappoint we should by no means lower our standards - ya hear!!!

It worked the last time

Okay ladies we need to combine our collective efforts to get to the bottom to the OM (he so deserves a better nickname - I'm open to suggestions) situation.

So here are the facts - we had a mediocre date date, but it wasn't that, so was it a good friend date - on comparisons I would say it had a heavy dose of AWKWARD - I mean did we think it would be anything but - it's like an interview for an undefined job - the position may or may not be open and criteria are sketchy at best.

Dear OM (or new nickname - tbd),

Saturday was great, vegan waffles (which you should totally have taken credit for choosing - serious you missed big brownie points), coffee, cherry blossoms, spring rain and everything that could have been swooningly romantic. And yet despite the fact that I felt like I verbal diaherria and was apparently speachless post "date" when I called to give an update to my eagerly awaiting friends. I wonder what happened? I guess maybe I should try a less literary approach.
What I know:
1.I know that you are just coming off a relationship.
2.I know that you have expressed that you do not wish this to be a rebound.
3.I know that these things - rebound periods are ill defined - for some there is a set grieving period, for others it depends on the context of the previous relationship. In your case I don't need to know details, time frames or anything like that.

What I want you to know:
1. You get to decide where this goes - so based on the previous statement since you are the person on the rebound, you get to say Go, and the whole if and when of Go is for you to determine and lead the way.
2. I am going to give you the space to feel like you can come to decision apart from my influence.
3. I am still interested in seeing if we can get over some of awkward parts of Saturday which I am going to attribute to clash of the definition of the activity and some of the emotions involved.
4. Yes I was engaged -scary huh, that ended a long time ago and we could hash through all that now, but I guess I'm just going to leave it at that, it was a mistake, I have no issue taking responsibilities for my mistakes be them small like choosing the wrong shoes for an event, to choosing the very wrong person to get engaged to.

Lastly this where you let me know whatever you want:

Thanks, S&P

What a Flirt!

I need to make a confession, I partake in flirting for the purposes of free caffeine. Look there is a recession, a trip to NYC and life essentials like my Crackberry to pay for, why pay for my double tall vanilla soy latte if I don't have to? See the issue is when you flirt for coffee it's kind of shameless and vulnerable, I mean do you think straight before you have your coffee? All that being said, when I stopped into my local store, I came face to face with my biggest flirting companion, and a date. Yep I got asked on a coffee date (the way to this caffeinated girl's heart), and I walked out of the store wondering if I managed to get myself in too deep. What happens if it doesn't work out, do I get my free coffee from one of the other boys or do I have to as I did before, leave the store for a period of time until they all move on to other locations. and then the cycle begins again?

Ack! A real date, apparently someone just threw me onto that elusive horse I was happy just flirting with. If this is where flirting gets you, I'm not so sure... right? Who really wants a date? Me? Even if it's just so I can justify purchasing this t-shirt