ALL.THE.FEELINGS

I have been trying to avoid posting because I do feel like it's a bit of a big secret to keep from LG and its the kind I know he wouldn't like me keeping. But I'm trying to process my feelings and whether I hit publish or not on this post, I need to express them.

It's been great - yes things are moving possibly faster than I would have ever imagined, though to be honest I'm not sure what I imagined and maybe that in and of itself it the most nerve-wracking part. I don't know if I knew what this would be like - the disorientation. I feel swept up, caught in something moving that I never expected and didn't ever think to plan for and I'm not sad by that but I am nervous after CEF and given that X and I moved at really a glacial place and were long distance - I didn't have to schedule my life around him.

I am afraid the other shoe will drop and this will all become horrible or I'll wake up one morning and wonder what massive bad acid like trip I found myself on again. As if I cannot make the right choice for myself. I am possibly too sensitive to the desires of those around me. I still struggle when I hear people say well you deserve better, you deserve someone more _____. I might. But by who's standard, theirs? or mine? If I am happy, if I feel safe, if I feel that this person is someone I could raise children with, love that long term love and all those things if it doesn't look like X or he isn't _____ is that wrong?

I don't know what finding that one person is suppose to feel like - I hear it's suppose to feel like butterflies, it's suppose to feel like all sorts of things and you'll just know and you'll just... and it seems to become a spiral I cannot find myself out of, one that uses comparisons and others experiences.

I don't know what will happen long term, how we'll find balance or if he'll go to the UK or if he's truly the one and feels the same or if I'll panic and pull the plug and keep being single - after all that is the easiest. It is so much easier to keep people to a degree present in my life, to not change, to not be pushed, to not push someone else, to not depend on someone, to make decisions with someone else. And while those things terrify me, what if it is in the end like all the hard decisions you make in life one of those things you have to just start doing, even if it does scare you shitless.

At the end of the day we're all messy, we all have things our significant other's family's feel they should have aimed higher for, whether it's our health or education or looks or even age - as LG's has been balked at a few times and yet we make choices. We have a choice to choose who we choose.

And DD update - saw him at a concert event LG took me to and it's not there - the spark, the whatever he had that used to give me cold sweats in his presence has disappeared. It was kind of fascinating. 

Hurdles to be Hurdled

So as LG and I are working toward whatever we're working toward and I'm trying to get my head around all the hurdles I never expected to have to hurdle over and trying to see them as good potentials.

For example LG would have better career options if he moves to England for a few years - he was there before he came home to help take care of his teenage nephew due to a sudden death in the family. IF (HUGE IF, I REPEAT HUGE) I were to go with him my certification for chaplaincy doesn't carry beyond North America. It is its own masters degree in the UK. BUT that being said, while I would love to work in chaplaincy, working in a small parish/church I would have the opportunity to do many of the same things as well as developing longer term relationships with members. So it might actually be harder and possibly a richer experience. But that changes what my life will look like as of this summer - so it might mean having some serious discussions a lot sooner than I might want to

But that being said we talked about his hours. I get that lawyers work crazy hours and when I dated X I knew as an in-hospital physician he would also work similar hours. But as I've gotten older, I've wrestled with the reality that sure an extra pay check and a warm body on the other side of the bed are nice things, but if I'm by reality a single parent, why aren't I just a single parent? In that what is the benefit to having a partner who cannot partner with me in all aspects of life. I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself, never mind what that would look like with LG in the picture.

He is still conservative and I know that will be a work in progress, quite frankly I think in this arrangement he has the tougher road. He has strong opinions about things and my life experiences have so far shut down conversations in awkward but humorous to me, exchanges. For example I tweet anonymously and he chided me saying that it's cowardly to not put my name to my opinions. And fair enough, given all the NLLL trolls that populate the interwebs that is a justifiable response. HOWEVER, I have CEF to deal with and I am privileged to a little peace and privacy. That response resulted in a retraction. Yes dude I will fight you on these things like your definition of feminism and Internet privacy. I'm not bothered by it, they are little hurdles that I'm prepared to see where we both fumble.

But all that being said in the last 24hrs my EH account is getting some serious action and I can only laugh. REALLY? Now? I have no desire to push LG to the whole are we seriously dating discussion because the title isn't worth a lot and I'm not adding a FB status to my life so whatever, but I'm not sure how to respond to these men. And I know JS would suggest I test out the waters with these men, but I don't have it even remotely in my heart to.

We'll see - Ms. J and her beau and the two of us have a double date next Wed, so once he overcomes that hurdle we'll see what discussions arise.

Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

LG and I just talked for 3 hours in the middle of exams, when I should be sleeping and it was enjoyable. Did I actually just stumble on to a decent guy whose eHarmony profile was annoying enough but redeemable enough to comment on? Did I stumble into this because I'm that kind of bitchy woman who wants things to go sour and then the world or God or whatever you believe in was like BAM, you need to be proven wrong, so here you go. Now go forth and be continually shocked and shaking your head like WTF.

And I might have invited him over for Christmas with the NLLL clusterNLLL that is my family and he might have said yes, so yes AE you are right it is like high stakes poker to start dating close to Christmas.

Risk

I think I'm struggling right now with risk or maybe more so vulnerability. I haven't since OM and BV been on a date with a man who didn't know about CEF and all the NLLL that went down with that, and now I find myself with LG.

And I think I really like LG, frankly I'm still damn confused, but I want to be with him, so I think that's a good sign about things in that direction. But at the same time I'm nervous. I'm incredibly nervous because genuinely liking someone requires that you be vulnerable, and not in a one shot in a paper or in a class discussion vulnerable. No a slow aching vulnerability where you often have to put words to feelings you don't know how to say or ever want to have to say but because you're still figuring out the dance, you aren't sure. Like I want to kiss LG and I'm not sure if that's too soon or if because of the whole he leads things business, which I'm actually getting used to the whole door opening thing for the car, I don't want to be presumptuous and take charge but I really want to. So I'm doing my own dumb dance of sorts.

UGH.

So yes Brene Brown may be talking to me about this whole it's okay to be vulnerable and he might not really like that person but that's okay because I like me and that's what is really important.

But ya.

So there you go.

Change of Plans

Lawyer and Guy and I didn't seem to be on the same page and we don't have the same schedule because his parents are in town, but for whatever reason he's found my soft spot or a lonely spot or a something spot because on Saturday night when he texted me to see if I could come out last minute, we ended up making plans for a late movie last night  as I'd been in the Hunger Games with AE that evening.

So he came to the door this time, it was a little awkward, I wanted to hug him, I would hug everyone else, I guess I just felt/feel if you're going to play the role of the man I feel a little awkward being the one advancing the physical aspects of the relationship. But anyways. He picked me up and for the first time I got to run the conversation. In the theatre I sat as close as I could, they sure don't make that easy. So we were shoulder to shoulder and this time no panic. As we walked out of the theatre he took my hand, *FINALLY* it was nice. You know in our culture obsessed with sex I continue to see that we miss out on all the nice, comforting touch that is long before anyone gets sweaty or clothes are removed. I took his arm on the way out of the car to the door, and then there was that awkward, what now dance. Like what should I do? So I offered a hug and got that and a peck on the cheek. It was sweet. I should have have just kissed him.

So what did I do I garnered up the courage to ask him out this weekend. I have zero time and he has his parents, but whatever. Bring it on let's see where this goes.

More Confused

Quite frankly I think I'm over this all - seriously, I'm so on the verge of throwing up my hands because I just cannot for the life of me navigate this all.

I text him something simple last night and he calls, but he calls to not really talk - it's awkward, like first of all dude I texted not because I wanted you to call because now I'm on a bus and we're having a weird conversation about your parents and your birthday and it sure seems like there is a hell of a lot of dysfunction going on for him being at 47 year old with invasive parents. FYI that isn't love that's creepy. Boundaries are a beautiful thing. I texted to be like hey I'm still here, I'm still kind of interested - why who knows, and I just want to remind you I've having a freaking awesome, normal life without you - like hello awesome third annual gluten and egg free sugar cookie night.

I'm just don't know what is significant as in the decision process or how this works, the whole getting to know someone to determine if you want to actually date them, but at this point I'm not sure it's worth it and I'm not sure why I feel torn about it either.

I think I need sleep or booze or both.

FYI

I just emailed him on the issue of us being so far apart on things - I'm not going to post it because well I don't need him tracking it down on here - goodness that would be messy.

But we'll see.

Lawyer Guy Update

Friday's date was a bit of a fiasco all around so much so I'm just going to try and compose myself in bullet points, since I am very much sober at the moment, though I cannot say the same for the last three nights.

1. I showed up on time, he was early and we some how missed each other thanks to the hostess and my trying to be polite by not asking is there a short red haired guy who possibly looks too old to be my date waiting for me. Once I did then I was seated, UGH.

2. It was awkward, he talks a lot and its interesting but sometimes I feel like asking why the hell do you like me, you know nothing about me, seriously, but I know a lot about you and that makes me even more confused. I made it more awkward because well I'm good with that, I asked about the issue of women and leadership and he was expecting a fight, I am more the go ahead and hang yourself type of woman.

3. Walking to the theatre after dinner he kept cutting me off so that he would be on the street side. Now I am getting some serious flack for being harsh on his chivalry and many times it I like it but he seems to be at the extremes (see after the theatre)

4. Theatre was fine, I really enjoyed it, he seemed to panic about the possibility of physical contact, keeping his arms drawn in and crossed, when we did touch shoulders, I could sense his breathing increase A LOT, like DUDE it's my shoulder, it's clothed, I'm actually completely covered except for like three inches on my arms and I have some toe cleavage going one. This isn't even first base by proxy territory. I moved away quickly, no sense giving him a heart attack.

5. After the theatre he walked me to the car, opened the door and we chatted a little and then as with last week, he didn't walk me to the door, and this week unlike last he had an opportunity and missed it, even after he apologized for not doing it last week.

I got dropped off in the middle of the street and the first thing I said to my roommate when I walked in the house after she indicated she didn't want to interrupt anything was, BLOODY HELL WHY WON'T HE TOUCH ME. Like dude I think we've got something but that something is driving hard into the friend zone wall if you don't prove to me we've got something more.

So the next day after 3 glasses of wine I decided to politely with supervision of AE text him to say thanks for dinner (hell I'm still getting free meals and entertainment I should say thanks), I got this epic text at some point in the night in which I was invited over to supervise him making cookies. Sweet? Possibly. I'm just confused.

Here is a successful man, who seems to have had a relatively normal life but he's got some serious physicality issues and he is sending me mixed signals on the gender roles business. And in all this I'm kind of sad that it's all going bust the way it is. I think that actually garners the biggest WTF from me.

So how do I resolve something awkward, by making it more awkward of course. I'm going to email him and lay out the we're totally different people what is going through your brain business and hopefully I'm lonely and horny are not his responses.

Losing My NLLL

Here's the deal I came to this eHarmony business with zero desire for it to be successful if I'm going to be truthful.

So maybe that's why this whole thing has shaken me - maybe it's because if I'm honest, I'm beyond scared of the idea of committing and having babies - more of making the wrong decision.

Hell I didn't really dodge the bullet with CEF, I just managed to get out of it without major injuries.

Each day I try to step closer to the idea of dating someone I realize just how deep those wounds were and how insecure I am with all this - I would love to say I've got my NLLL together. The fact that I don't know what is going on Friday (other than the theatre) - yes no messages since Sunday and no texts and that I'm letting him do some wooing or all my life choices aren't pressing in on me but they are.

So what do I do - well I tell you about them, so I can laugh about the awkward first date bullet dodged of the handshake, hug or kiss dynamic and so I can share my crazy and then I listen to this which is the antithesis of who I'd ever want to be in this dating dynamic but somehow listening to this makes me feel a little better about everything.

Date Update

Match #2 is failing at his scheduling hard core.

Lawyer Man (yes fancy name eh?) has formalized our plans - Friday, dinner and theatre along with an apology he didn't escort me to my door.

Boys - this is what a man looks like, you're being schooled left right and centre and I'm being officially cured of your NLLL behaviour.

Step it up. Seriously. Step it up.

So You Know When I Said

"That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways"

I think I was wrong *winces again*

I think dumbfounded might be a better term. 

So let's back this up before we get ahead of things.

I have been on shitty dates, a lot of shitty dates. This was in and of itself in comparison by no means a shitty date and I don't mean it wasn't shitty because my spanx and hair did what they needed to and he paid for a fairly expensive meal. 

No, I mean like good conversation, good body language - he's a wee bit of a messy eater but hey nothing a little grooming won't fix. He dressed well and looked good. Opened the car door. You know thinking about this I said to AE or probably more so she to me - there is a massive difference a few years makes in a how a single man treats a woman. I know my coworker thinks that I need to be aiming down age wise because they'll be better at sex longer (not sure why that's a foundation to build a life long relationship on but whatever), I'm much happier with someone who knows how to carry themselves. 

He talked well, he's well read. He's smart damn it. And smart is a good way to get into my brain. Brain is the route to my heart and from the heart well you can continue that thought wherever you would like.

He does have some little red flags - I get the sense he wants to get the ball rolling quickly. He seemed a little confused that I had to do my residency outside of my area - a little confused/concerned. I tried to minimize this a little - stating there was some flexibility. He seems to be a little sensitive on the money front - in the he has it and talks about it and coming from myself and a family that is decidedly middle class and I'm sitting at about the poverty line - I don't discuss money, EVER.

The date details/laugh highlights/annoyances:

I think the staff that the nice restaurant we were attending were a little surprised to see us together - I felt like I was being stared at, like I've done in places, trying to figure out what the NLLL is going on between two people. 

The waiter said hi to him, recognizing him and then to me when he realized I was new, stated, "Last time he was here it wasn't with a lady" AWKWARD.

He let me have a view of the city, though I did spend the majority of the time looking at him. (Sidetrack: FYI men, your profile pics should be flattering because his is beyond unattractive compared to him in person - he's not gorgeous, I'm not claiming he's whoever your idea of hot is, but he's not unattractive and I'll leave it at that because I'm still confused about what is going on here)

He walked behind me - this totally weirds me out because all I can think about is posture, stand talk, don't fumble in your heels and oh god how does my ass look, those spanx better be doing what I need out of them.

He did hold all my stuff as I put my sweater on and then helped me with my coat. DAMN it young one's that's how you do it.  You hold a lady's purse and help her with her coat.

SO NOW WHAT?

Well we have another date on Saturday to go to the theatre and I've been awake the better part of the night trying to figure out why I'm still smiling and what on earth just completely blind sided me while waiting by my phone.

WHAT THE HELL

If you're wondering about the other date with the other match - it's this Thursday evening after work in a coffee shop. 

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

Like Clockwork

Every time I bitch about the Douche he redeems himself. After grumbling that the man couldn't find his balls or his spine long enough to just decline the offer, and then of course on Friday after I had told HSBFF in no uncertain terms that despite her belief of a lot of repression but there could be good underneath that she was wrong, he finds me in the atrium and starts a casual conversation. I initially was all:

Like seriously do we need the pretense, you're a douche and there is no way around that and then he "apologizes" and declines the offer, which for some reason unknown to me I said sure well let know if anything else looks interesting... like NLLL let it go, he's never going to be truly decent to you. He's always going to make you want to through something at him and whether it's a plate or yourself it's not going to go down well. You're just going to find yourself doing this and raging inside.

CEF and the Douche...

A few weeks ago as I sat in Florida I started this post with the following and then realized I was in the company of children and didn't want to have to explain my language choices.

"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."

So the thing is the name is going to stay.

Why?

Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.

The message in case your wondering,

"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."

I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.

I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.

As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.

So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.

And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment:

We're Getting All Rebellious In Here

This post might be a bit hard to understand but I'll do my best to explain where I am coming from. I was raised in a family that took certain aspects of their ethnic/religious group/religious beliefs to what some would consider extremes. One such "extreme," dancing was and still is strictly verboten (forbidden).

While there are some religious circles who believe dancing leads to sex, Mennonites seem to believe that sex leads to dancing, which is to say that it is the worst possible activity a single 31 year old woman could be engaging in, even if she was, as I was last night, very clothed.

I still remember my mother's reaction when at 13 she found out that I had been to a lunch time dance that our public school put on (truth be told I'd been to a few of them before she found out about that one). But a 12 or 13 year old's awkward swaying most often at arms length was nothing really and if anything when I look back on it, it wasn't a place for me. That is not reflective of any faith values, but more so being the awkward nerdy plus sized kid that I was with little to no self esteem and no support network, I was easy pickings for being teased and being groped. Let us be honest, regardless of how curvy I might have been I was the only girl in our class with breasts, like real full on breasts and I had had them for a while. Everyone knew it and I knew everyone did. And so when my mother declared that I had seriously transgressed an boundary I was perfectly fine with getting my insecure ass back on the "right side" of it and staying there.

Interestingly our grade 12 grad, non-school sanctioned because there was dancing, boat cruise played out in much the same way, though there was a little more girls dancing with girls. In the end one of my classmates still thought my ass was the best place for his hands and that soured the night.

I have had roommates and even a boss try to get me on the dance floor in various situations, even in East Indian weddings where even the bride joked that I just needed to "open the door" and "screw in the light bulb."

Stepping on to a dance floor as I realized walking home last night was a space I never felt safe in, not so much about the groping and the grinding but more so me. Stepping on to a dance floor meant that I truly needed to be okay with me. I needed to know that I was okay, awkward or not awkward, chubby or curvy and well spanxed, that I, me, this person, in this body was okay and even more mind bending for me worth acknowledging in a celebratory fashion. That I needed to be able embrace a kind of freedom I'm not sure I ever would have been really ready to embrace. But like those things in life that I don't feel ready to embrace there comes a time when I receive the necessary kick in the ass to make me realize I was ready.

I was finally ready last night and it might have been awkward, it might still be awkward from now until the last time I step on a dance floor but you know what, I'm okay with that, even if I'm not sure about some of the song selections.

Thanks to KAB and AE I crossed a major life threshold and we had fun doing it.

One of the songs it is no secret that I do and will always love:

Well Because...

I assume you're wanting a change in topic, someone I am sure has been praying for a change in topic because I have a change in topic.

You prayed for it and it happened - but next time maybe pray a little bigger or maybe for ME because it seems that the guy from eHarmony who was absolutely lovely, wonderful, and I could gush but was also a quad and it just wasn't quite right and then he was moving etc... you know the story. Well he emailed me tonight to tell me he's found an amazing woman and he wants to stay friends. But you know what I'm crazy happy for him and not just because I don't have to figure out that relationship with my shrink in the morning. Like I'm genuinely happy because NLLL it there needs to be far more love going around - good, happy, rich life affirming love and if someone else is getting it in a heavier dose then I am I say YAY, go for it. There is no NLLL reason (unless it is unethical) that I'm going to go bursting anyone's bubbles.

So there you have it - happiness! Yay and I might also be happy because completely random I found a journal publication completely devoted to Feminist Anabaptist Hermeneutic - and yes I did this in the library when I found it (quietly of course), I can follow some library rules, just not the ones about coffee.

with maybe a little of this because I would fan girl over him, I'm not going to lie

It Seems I Am Conflicted

And surprise, well surprise to me, it isn't about the person I have spent the majority of the last few years writing about, actually that's not true it seems...

It seems I have spent a lot of time whining about the Douche. A LOT. Hrmmm.

And it seems I've oscillated between blinding stabbing rage posts to questions about being possibly afflicted with Stockholm syndrome.  This man has gotten under my skin without me really being aware of it. I was aware he annoyed me but it seems annoyance and attraction are trying to pull some kind of blurred-lines-bait-and-switch thing.

Here is the problem I am now faced with, now that I'm aware that once I clearly saw myself on one side of this fence that apparently I'm perched on it, and even worse I'm not sure where to go. Yes KAB would say that this is a sign that truly I have lost my marbles as she wouldn't say what I would say as she is far classier. So what am I going to do.

Nothing.

Seriously.

I am serious.

I know he's in going through things that would make dating not feasible - and yes I know starting with that point is making KAB squirm. Actually more to the present issue, his emotions for whatever reason effect me, a lot and I am not sure how to explain why or how. It sounds hokey to say I read people and I'm normally pretty good, I'm not suggesting an average but the majority. He apparently I can read really well because he's not attempting to hide his emotions. Most people would think that his daily "Hi" is roughly the same from day to day. I don't see that and most often that comes out as me being pissed with him for his dramatic to me oscillations, but now the problem is, the converse for me, is wanting to care.

I do not want to care because I cannot. I can care for a lot of people and love people and pour into people going through rough spots and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is in our Friday conversation he opened up and yet he didn't. There was a wall, a big one, and I'm sane enough to not think that if I sit long enough on the world side of that wall that eventually he'll think about dismantling it. Sure I might try the occasional knock when I sense that he's having a better day than the usual grumpy days.

So what does this all mean?

Patience.

I'm trying to sort out the feelings where they belong while trying to not, as I said to Ms. J yesterday, punch the next person who suggests we like each other. I have no desire for a Mr. Darcy-Elizabeth show down unless it comes with Matthew Macfadyen

And So It Went Down...

Against my normal policy of keeping explicitly grounded in real life, aka as things that cannot be blurred off the blog, I am going to post the FB discussion.

I will preface this as an example where I should have a tired-alyzer along with a breathalyzer for my laptop because 11pm is not the time I should be writing messages as I am likely not to filter myself when I really, really should because re-reading this all I can think is I sound like this:

D,

I would like to be able to resolve something that has been bothering me, now I might be interpreting things wrong, but I feel as though I have at some point done something to upset you because despite my best efforts to be intentionally cordial I keep receiving feedback that appears to be annoyance and at times disdain. Please let me know if I have done something so that I may be able to address it, if I'm just interpreting things incorrectly you can just ignore this and I will do my best to adjust.

 S&P

Hi S&P,

Thanks for making me aware of this. I'm sorry that somehow I've conveyed to you a sense of annoyance and disdain. Those are heavy words! I assure you, there is no such sentiment on my register towards you! As a rule for myself, I would rather talk about these kinds of issues in person. I looked for you around campus today, but must have missed you. Will you be on the retreat this weekend? I would much rather assure verbally than via FB.

 Best, D

The conversation settled on us meeting for coffee this morning at 9am which was totally ironic because as X will tell you I can be a raving b*tch without caffeine. I arrived without coffee or even food in my system because of course I wanted to up-chuck, I hate conflict, especially conflict with a guy.

We arrived at the same time and had shockingly probably the most light but personal conversation we have ever had, involving the realization that I've been intuitive but not quite. I have been picking up appropriately on his angst and pissy mood but they were directed at the world and not me and a being super sensitive ISFJ I just happen to be taking it personal.

So where are we at? He's going to still be the Douche and I'm going to try and be friendly while keeping in mind that any time I get his frosty attitude that it isn't personal - so that's sort of a resolution, right? Probably not now I am trying to beat back the part of me that care and wants to help him. I need that like (my head in a whole versus the alternative):

So that's where things are...

Temptation

I have been tempted since the episode where I discovered the Douche had purchased the locker above mine when in theory he did have choice to where he could have gone (I wasn't there at the moment of purchase, he could have been fatefully been given it, though there was an option given to pick), to once and for all clear the air. I'm tired of trying to be sweet and perky in the hopes of whatever transgression I might have caused being mitigated but frankly I'm tired of it and I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells which I'm beginning to wonder and now assume are in my imagination and he either doesn't care or is just going to always be in my understanding of his interactions an NLLL-hole.

Stay tuned.

And while you're waiting consider this (but not you KAB) since I cannot find any other songs to fit this topic other than the best song of all on this issue and yes I know this is a cover:

Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

Oh I Need a Hole

A deep deep hole to hide in and drink and KAB you're going to want to look away as while the language is censored, it still might make you blush/uncomfortable.

My hormones are screwing with me - my anxiety is through the roof and the whole situation with ODM (Online Dating Man - we'll revise that one later) is flip flopping me through emotional disappointment and fear - it's like one foot tentatively on the gas and a hard slam down on the brakes every so often as the whole online line and the whole I don't know if I can or want to get married thing happens - and yes we are not there yet, but that's the problem with the switch in the wiring of an evangelical brain you cannot just date because they're awesome and you're awesome, no it has to be all about marriage...

Regardless that's really not the big fish I want to fry - I would like to actually fry FB for allowing a blocked person to send me a message, said blocked person CEF.* Yes CEF contacted me and it turns out he's been talking with my brother - NLLLing NLLL you think you make these things clear to your family, friends and to CEF. I changed my number, I changed my email, now I blog, tweet etc only anonymously and the one place where I didn't think I needed to worry about changing my name - I find I am actually not safe.

Was it a horrible message - no, it was actually an apology - didn't need to see it, I really don't NLLL NLLL care.

I need a hole.


*It seems you can get around blocking by setting up multiple profiles... oh FB. So it is never going to be a safe place.

A Little Blindsided

X had a rotten two weeks and hopefully he's in the process of beginning to turn the corner - but while it sucks that it has been rotten, I think it really has affirmed for me that we are good friends - and it is so much easier being his friend than his girlfriend, a lot less guilt.

But as for me, well I have been messaging daily with as of yet unnamed man in the chair, I haven't come up with a jazzy name for him yet and I don't know if I will because as amazing as our conversations have been, so much so to induce an, albeit irrational, meltdown about not being ready to get married. He informed me today that he's moving away. The move makes sense and is good for him, but it also indicates for me, one a deep sense of rootedness and it isn't going to happen. Now you're probably wondering if I was sitting on the fence about him why am I feeling all these mixed emotions. Mostly because he is a rare one in the faith community, completely liberal like me, educated and open, unashamed of any conversation. As I said to Ms. J at worst (like it seems now) he affirmed that the bar I set is completely achievable and I've got no reason to settle for less.

That doesn't really fix the weird hole in my heart I want to stuff with food.

UPDATE

So we're going on a little hiatus.

Before you start worrying that I got engaged, fear not. I am still as single and picky as ever. I am now however blogging over at

http://myyearofdatingevangelically.blogspot.ca (UPDATED)

It is where I primarily plan on directing my attention (and my intentions - oh evang speak how you make my skin crawl). I will be periodically stopping over here to vent or what not.

On the topic of venting. While I am miles away from dating anyone I have been conversing regularly with a lovely man who checks off the majority of my requirements, so much so that if we'd been talking about me 5 years ago (before counselling) I would be declaring my intentions. Yes I know that is crazy, thus the therapy. However all that being said there is a major hurdle I do not honestly think I am prepared to deal with and that makes me feel like a horrible, shallow person. He's a fairly high up quad. I am not ruling him out, granted we have not met in person I don't even know if we have anything other than friend chemistry. So as it stands a nice guy with a lot of questions. Why couldn't this whole process be a lot easier?

So It Repeats AGAIN...

I am becoming daily all the more tempted to write the following letter to these men who are looking for this mystery feminine woman.

Dear EH Man,

I am wondering about your profile, it seems that you and most Christian men seem to be looking for a "feminine woman" to make you feel like a man. Would you mind explaining this to me? The reason I'm confused is as a woman I have never felt the need to turn any man or woman to make me feel like a woman, as well I am biologically so. Are you then looking for a woman who is prepared to inflate your own understanding of socially constructed gender identity by being a submissive, never questioning woman who functions as your other half, without herself being a whole independent person, with her own voice.

Thanks,

Questioning

 

EH Update 1

Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.

So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.

So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.

The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.

As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.

"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"

Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.

And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.

So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:

Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

Hmpft

So I am beginning to see why my roommate had such a struggle with eHarmony. Yes the first day I did manage to get a few matches - one of whom I would consider a date with - beyond that it seems from my matches that I seriously over corrected from the narcissists that I found in January to the current situation of men who seem determined to evangelize me in their profiles.. sweet baby jebus. I find myself recoiling often at the content of the profiles, and not as usual the spelling mistakes and there are "alot". I am signing up for the shortest, basic option, so there will be time, this isn't a race to any finish line, it is however rather frustrating. I find myself once again realizing that as Ms. J put it "I'm really interested to see who it is that reels you in so to speak... you are a feisty filly (woah mixed metaphors, batman)." I get that, mixed metaphors and all and I'm not even touching on my previous live experiences or that many of these sweet men, well into their 30's many not take kindly at my life choices etc. - not that I care. I constantly feel trapped between those with more conservative or traditional faith perspectives  and the liberal, almost or both feet out the faith door perspectives (which are legitimate, I'm not saying they are wrong).

Pausing for a second, consider this: one of today's matches indicated on his profile he has turned to Henry Cloud's book on dating - so I googled it (hey if you're going to indicate you're turning to self help books at 45 for dating let's see what it is), and it wasn't horrible (total shocker), not that I plan on purchasing it or listening more than the 5 minutes I did on Youtube - he basically argued that your life choices determine the people who you are most likely to meet an those you will be compatible with and in dating you need to be picking from those people because dates, in theory, can lead to marriage.

So, by "picking" or being "called" (both words I take issue with) to my future profession, I have eliminate a huge swath of men, a huge swath that would be eliminated for a whole host of other reasons to be clear. And then from there the next and probably largest swath (per eHarmony representation) is the suburb, nice car and lots of travel contingent. All are nice things - but this is where X and had some pretty lengthy discussions and I realized that I could settle for these things but I didn't want to - and dragging someone into a life in an inner city area or one of simplicity (also close to a hospital or in or in conjunction with a hospice) is not how a marriage works, not in my books at least. Then add to that my opinions about birth control and women's right choices and there are little to none standing.

So there we go - so far I'm too quirky (too liberal for the conservatives and too conservative for the agnostics) and that's just fine with me - being picky isn't a problem.

I Need Help

I signed up for EHarmony again.... *sigh*

A little update

I've wanted to sit down and write a post so many times and either bailed because I was tired or I had a drink or feeling overly sentimental... well tonight I might have done or be all those things but alas here I am, writing.

I sat down with my therapist for the first time in like 8 months - made me realize that I need to see her more often... *sigh* we didn't even getting to the whole I'm avoiding dating while being thankful there isn't anyone I want to date and I still have feelings for X while knowing that those feelings are not really those kinds of feelings, just the you're awesome and safe and you're the hole I want to bury myself in but I know that isn't ideal for either of us, because I know somewhere in me, that at the end of the day that isn't the kind of relationship either of us wants or needs - maybe those feelings radically change one day, but for now it isn't there.

Nor is the situation with DD - walking past his place on a semi frequent basis (which JS claims is stalking, I disagree as regardless of the route I would be in his hood) but whatever, it has made me realize that even if for some reason we were to collide one of these morning while I am "glowing" sans makeup and with bed head in a bun I wouldn't care. Sure I might be flustered, but I'm not interested in playing the let me be cute game. Quite frankly if anything I am trying to let whatever this is be the process by which I once and for all put it all behind me because the reality is our social circles will likely collide and when they do I want to have found a way to have collect my NLLL, even cleaned, organized and stored it away if possible.

As for whether I suck it up and do an online dating option, right now I just cannot, it feels too objectifying which I know is a me thing and not necessarily the format of the service. I guess I'm just going to stay where I am at with that until my therapist holds my feet to the fire and then I guess I'll just have to pick a guy I know who will be the most compassionate... ya that will work swimmingly I can just see it now.

Yep that is about it - other than trying to sleep, my exhaustion is limiting that ironically and working... lots and lots of working, and reading - thankfully or not so thankfully my job affords me a lot of time on the weekend to read, so much so that it is my hope that I can finish my reading list and consider posting a similar photo as this one in our school directory.

Not Much to Say

Things will be getting busy in the next few weeks and it will be all sorts of wonderful. In the meanwhile things are just sort of in that let's get this NLLL stuff sorted out, all the stuff I had intentions on doing but just never get around to like, buying a real sports bra.

I have an aversion to buying bras, especially sports bras. I have never particularly felt comfortable with my matching lady parts. Being the first to get them and at an age where everyone wanted to stare at them sure didn't set me up for a lot of cherishing them, nor did the events that followed after those early years. That being said I do respect them and because I do I knew I needed to suck up my negative feelings and embrace the process. The process resulted in a shocking revelation. I'm a 34 DD according to the wonderful sports bra makers. I knew that I am small structurally in my upper body, but a DD(!) that I wasn't prepared for, nor was I thrilled with the idea I could be larger, especially considering that there are not a lot of options beyond that other than specialty products. One more reason I don't know if I want to have babies, I cannot imagine trying to run after afterwards.

Well that being said, on a positive note now I can run without an additional tank to brace them - wahoo.

All sorts of info I know you wanted to know... and in light of my 3 day weekend (craziness given I haven't had more than a day off a week since the middle of April)

Men are...

a simple mystery

a complex simplicity

or something like that, because time after time they do things relationship wise and I find myself going, yep that seems about right, especially when it comes to getting into serious relationships. It seems for many (not all) that a serious relationship is the only logical step when transitioning into or out of a big life change.

Let's take RB for example - last summer he was the sort of dating and sort of like someone mumbling fool. This winter semester, the busiest one of his life and the last one for him - he decides to take on a very serious relationship with lightening speed and fierce determination. I know in many ways, since I'm not in the relationship it is not fair to say this, but looking at them (and others) I wonder if men need to have their support networks locked in before stepping into or out of a tough place.

Many of my male classmates got married in the months leading up to starting graduate school, and I know it wasn't their intention to have it sound like this but often it came across not a decision of relationship timing, like it was good for both of us, as much it was, well of course she's coming with me. Yes because you're not able to function without her? I know that's sweet for some but in some regards when I look at the single women who have packed up and moved across countries on their own, I wonder if we're either afraid and we hide it well during transitions or if some point in our conditioning or just as our society has changed we've just grown accustomed to doing things on our own.

Not that I want to rehash this but heck I did the opposite when starting graduate school, I exited a relationship knowing that I needed the space, and as much as that decision pains me at times, and it seriously does, I know that I wouldn't have felt it fair to make the choice I made to change my degree or my life path.

And in that maybe that's where men and women are different. I know that's a gross generalization, but it seems to be the events lived out - which means.... I'm going to have to find a man doing at two year degree starting in September, casually friend him and hope in a year from now when that fear of what shall I do kicks in I'll be around and poof, instant husband.

If for one second you thought I am being serious, rest assured I was/am not. Life's out there and I would like a partner but I don't need one, so no sense loitering around in the hopes of that.

I know the song doesn't relate but it still fills me with so much joy to have been apart of it.



PS - Mr. Brilliant who I do not think got added to the Blog Boys is off the market - good for him, seriously because it wouldn't have been me.

A Tiny Update

Well given it is Wednesday and I am not out, sitting awkwardly next to Mr. Brilliant hoping for a whole to open and swallow me - I can inform you that he never responded.  We'll take that for whatever that is.

And on another note no sign of DB and also a something I'm totally okay with.

Actually I realized sure I would like a boyfriend but I have such a small amount of me time that unless he wants to share my time with my Dad or the girls it is just not the time. Funny, how the older I get the less that freaks me out.

Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Dating and Targets

I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.

In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.

And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.

Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.

I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"

Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.

I've been trying

Trying to write

Trying to read

Trying to rest

Trying to figure out how to bring my heart back to me ever so slowly from X. Truthfully I go through seasons where I find myself sitting with the truth that I still deeply love him. I know I'm not in love with him and it would take so many little things, that they all seem like big things to change to bring us back together, that I know it just isn't for us. But there are days when that void in my life, the one that I know doesn't define me, the one that doesn't limit me but that void that some nights and even days I would love to have filled, would be best filled by him.

So I press on, start running again, reading more, sleeping more and know that some day love may circle back, it will probably be different, who knows maybe it will be the same but right now, right now it's about me and learning to love in all the different ways I can.

Love the smell of lilacs that wafts into my room at night from the neighbours yard

Love laughter around my table, time shared with friends

Love the pages of a new book

Love the questions of little lives

Love it all

He's Sure Living Up to His Name...

I know there was a time in my life, perhaps all our lives when there was that one person who you hated on but really had a crush on. However, I think, actually I hope, we all can pass those moments in our lives rather quickly. I know I have.

The Douche is living up to his name and I actually kind of feel sorry for him. Kind of, not really, but sort of, in that dude being that full of self loathing and apathy must suck. I will say it again, I want to go back to the time when he didn't talk to me, or opt to sit beside me at lunch and then not to talk to me, but talk to everyone else. Yes dude I'm here and but you can totally speak over me, I'm cool with that.

Actually I'm not, I'm totally not okay with knowing that the only reason you've defrosted from your USSR-US relations circa 1962 is because like the USSR realized they were being abandoned. His cohort is leaving and he's stuck with us and while he is trying to make the best of it I must confess that I don't. And that sentiment has no roots in his love for Teva sandals or light wash jeans, just in Debby Downer-ness.

I might not be the perkiest, I definitely know how to be snarky. BUT that being said, those aren't the characteristics that I throw out to the world on a consistent daily basis and they are so not the characteristics I want to a person I date or would want someone to seek out in me.

But speaking of dating... no no no I'm not going to ask him out, and for that matter I'm spending time on me - yep I figured doing that comes with better guarantees rather than seeking out some lame dates.

Don't Have Anything To Say But I Have This...

X and I share a mutual love for music, of which we seem to have the same variety of love, so we share our discoveries with each other. Yesterday he posted this band to my FB wall and I thought sure I'll check them out. Well that decision led me to purchase their EP of itunes after one song (it's 6.99) and I really haven't stopped listening to it.



It is just a sample, seriously check them out.

And while you're at it Emeli Sande - if you haven't checked her out, she has a new live album which covers her first album's material and adds some new songs for the price of the first one - and she like Lake Side Dive and even potentially The Lone Bellow are better live. It's amazing - though Youtube doesn't quite convey that alas, but here it is:

If You Are Sad Consider the Following

I stumbled across the Lizzie Bennet diaries on Youtube a while ago and I might have binge watched them when I was sick... so ya. I might have a royally dysfunctional single life and an equally dysfunctional approach to said life, but these guys are cute and that is about it for now.

It's a Mystery

Could someone explain to me why when I am finally convincing myself that I am happy with community and being single that the Douche decides to be friendly never mind another classmate who I do not know well enough is acting continuously friendly past the point I'm comfortable with for single men.*

I want to be friendly. I don't want to be a frosty b*tch, but it seems I cannot figure out how to be friendly without having to worry about any of my single male classmates getting any ideas about how I feel about dating, or dating specifically them. I am happy in my single woman bubble, especially when it comes to matters related to the Douche. Seriously dude I want to go back to you and me awkwardly glaring at each other in the hall rather than discussing how our semester is going and saying good morning like we can relate to each other.

As for the other guy, he's sweet, but I'm positive he's a lot younger than me, though his FB comments seem to put that into question. Though the big issue I have with him is I discovered via FB recon that he's possibly a closet misogynist. Let me explain, he is part of a men's group that has very specific opinions about men and women - such opinions that led me to the following expression when I stumbled upon pictures of his group together from the fall:

So there you have it universe - I would appreciate if you could go back to normal - where men ignore me and I have a sense of peace in these last few weeks of school. While we're at it just extend that behaviour into the next few years while you're at it.

* Have no problem getting chatty with the married men in my classes because I know exactly where they stand and vice versa - boys who are unattached getting chatty always put me on edge unless I know where they stand like Mr. Awkward Date.

Feeling Uncomfortable

In recent months and truthfully maybe for the last few years I have been uncomfortable with my body - I have struggled deeply with a place of comfort - not a let it all go comfort but a I can deal with what I see comfort.

Years ago, during of all things an Oprah episode an older lady said if you cannot get naked and look at yourself in a mirror on a regular basis you're going to struggle with how you look with clothes on, never mind activities sans clothes. I was okay with this idea until the last year. In the last year I have for whatever reason wanted to live in a life with no mirrors. I have wanted to find a way to ignore the awkwardness I have felt.

I am aware of the deep irony of this as I have finally found myself wrestled into a place of comfort-ish-ness about where I am with life. This is not about whether I feel pretty or the fact that those words were never used in my home and still really are not.  And it is not even about whether I want or need to hear those words. I know it is deeper than that. It is a question of worth. Some how I know I'm in the middle of deep and maybe even holy wrestling with my worth.

I am trying to claim me

to claim

a body broken

by the years and

now reclaimed but handle with hands fumbling and faltering.

I wish I knew how to without wandering down paths of disordered eating and obsessive exercise like I once did, because I know that was an never achievable path with a constantly moving goal.

I am trying to come to terms with the reality that what I thought was just a suitcase of dirty laundry to sort through and clean in therapy that maybe I'm dealing with something more like the houses on Hoarders - the piles are deep and I'm ready to mine them for the good that is in there somewhere.

Sad or Scary or a little of Both

I realized today on the way to the chiropractor, as a cute boy made a b-line to sit next to me and then proceeded not to do anything, that I'm stuck. My realization really had nothing to do with him, it did however have to do with the lack of options. I often here the it will happen when you stop looking or when you least expect it - blah blah blah. I really think that's complete hogwash. But the opposite seems to be just as useless a belief. In all my searching there has been nothing. If anything I think I am coming to the realization that the man I'm looking for is not going to be found through EHarmony or any of the other incarnations. I don't know if he even exists and if he does I really am sure that it isn't going to come through the process of online dating. That being said, I have no idea what to do now - a thirty something pacifist theology graduate student with desires to adopt and have a big community house community. Everything that is well, counter cultural and I'm a challenging woman as is... this really is not going anywhere other than to say, I'm tired of the feeling that while my life has purpose and meaning and direction (more or less) that I am going to be stuck in this non dating limbo. I completely believe that I am not alone, and I love my community. I have no problem journeying forward in life and adopting kids and all that with or without a partner. But here is the rub. As much as I try and lay down the desire for a partner, as much as I can see and even at times will myself to see my future without one, the truth is I want a partner. There I said it, as brave as I try to be, I'm alone and right now I really really do not want to be.

AMEN *HANDS A'FLAILING*

I think she sums up my argument on this subject better than I can. I do not know when I started noticing bands but it was probably about the same time I started noticing the shoes a man is wearing. As a 30 something woman I really have to say I have come to the point where if you have a ring, sure I'll be a friend but I have my priorities and it isn't being the best friend of a man who has a wife.

At Present

I am doing the following and trying not to be a big baby about throwing my back out next week.

While I Normally

Use this blog as a place to post about men and dating and being single and even on occasion the annoyances of graduate school all of which I hope is in some way beneficial, but at times I wonder if there wasn't a way to share more of me while feeling safe.

Sharing while feeling safe is in many ways an antithetical statement. BUT that's a whole other issue.

My point?

I am getting serious again about therapy. I started therapy with the severe intensity that only a Type A perfectionist can muster back in 2008. I did group therapy weekly and I did one-on-one with a psychologist, bi weekly for 6 months, then switching to just the psychologist and eventually down to once a month sessions and a solid 4 years later I am at about every 3 months mostly do to finances (which sucks let me tell you to make the choice of bills over brain). I am realizing though I need to get in an muck about in the sludge that remains or remains hidden still.

And I don't really want to. After the whole MW situation I came face to face with the knowledge that my belief that things were more or less working under the surface was entirely wrong. It's not. I'm not. And while I can make that statement I am unsure if I can make the statement that I still feel broken - that I still am functioning within paradigms that are unhealthy. While I may not believe I need a man to make me feel whole (oh dear AshLee from the Bachelor get yourself to a therapist), it doesn't mean that I don't often hate myself, my body that I do not lament my life decisions, that I don't wish things were different, that I could have the courage I know I need and so on.

So, I have decided to squirrel together my meagre extra funds and sign up for Trauma Yoga Class. My heart may not want to be shovelled through with a tiny spoon, but maybe my body will be willing.

So that's where things are at - I may or may not be posting as much or the tone might change, but change isn't a bad thing now is it?

A Little Music for this Week

I might not but more than likely I will disappear for this week because I am attempting to write a big paper with basically no time between me and the deadline.

X suggested the following music to me today in our semi-regular "Hey I found this and thought of you..." banter.



Apparently she reminds him of me and I will totally take that even though I do not really see the likeness and goodness if I had her pipes ya'll would have a hard time getting me to talk and not sing my way through life.

Let Me Add

As Ms J and my patron saint-ess of awesome, Flo, has instructed us in the past - the dog days are over and we need to shake it off, and to that I add the following, which I might have had on repeat tonight and even *gasped* danced to. I figure if the dancing is not done in public it does not count and thus I would not be breaking the one very verboten rule I was raised with. If it does count, maybe my chignon and pearls can balance things out.

I Still Feel Like I Might...

Pull out what remains of the tequila - all that remains after I made pork tacos this week and cuddle up with it, I already feel like spending time near a porcelain vessel at least this way that would be justified. No, no things regarding the male gender aren't at that point, well not directly. In all the stress to write 3 papers, do an assignment and exegete a passage for a presentation, while working and realizing that all that made me vulnerable for the release of this well so rolling volcano of emotion.

I could vent that volcano that this moment but I feel that though it might be valid it also can well harden in weird places where it's hard to retract and say that's really not what I meant, I mean maybe it was what I wanted, but well damn it I am taking a little time out.

To clarify my nausea has nothing to do with a case of the babies - while everyone I know is popping out babies, that's not a possibility without a medical intervention and everything to do with stress.

I Could

Lament feeling bruised and a little shaken, but I have realized something, I'm not alone in that feeling - I'm not alone in a lot of my feelings.

In feeling like:

Damaged goods - in a religious perspective I am not "pure" though that language makes me vomit a little in my mouth - though I respect those who hold to their convictions even when I do not know what mine necessarily are...

In all the work of therapy I'm still wired wrong - touch, love, commitment all of it still hurts in places I doubt it should, misfires in others and overwhelms me in places I really wish it wouldn't.

I'm undesirable - single and in my 30's, there really has been little to do with being picky in any of this to this point.

I do not know how to channel desire in a healthy way - sure I said I would like to be able to put MW in a box, but I don't even know what that box looks like or what I want it to look like or even if I want to do the whole box thing.

I want to date but I don't want to date and I being the liberal feminist I am being aware that I might have to look in unconventional places while not switching teams - I'm definitely not at that point

I do not know how to have these conversations yet as I realized this afternoon talking with the roommate these conversations must be had,

Just not at this exact moment.

I am not good but I'm not bad, I'm just tired, overwhelmed and in all that I just want someone to hold me and not leave me until I need my space (an introvert's prerogative right) and remind me my fears are only unexplored paths, they are not dead ends or that I've lost the chance to have love, the kind that lasts.

I Wish I Could Ask

MW and friend just left the house after a lovely evening of talking and food consumption. It was all great and quite frankly deeply platonic.  I have been racking my brain for why I feel jealous, why I feel I need him.

I settled on it with the roommate, it comes down to no boundaries. I do not want to nor can I hedge him in, I cannot even remotely expect another visit and nor do I feel comfortable asking how many women he's kissed in the last few months. I would like to for the moment believe I'm special. I mean I know I am but something about Sunday has made me feel less special rather than more special.

Well I'm going to mourn that a little and move on. Sure there are things about him that make me realize that I feel the same about him as I have all these years and yet as I remember a conversation we had almost 5 years ago, I know that what things look like with MW are not as they are.

But in the end it is all too late to consider anything beyond my bed.

Scratch That

If you're quick on the posts you might have noticed that one has just disappeared.

Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons and none of them have to do with the name related to them and more so as I'm listening to Bruno Mars and tweeting - you know all the important things you should be doing when you have a paper to write.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm single.

I've actually only been officially dating someone for one in my whole life. One in the almost two decades when it apparently counts that you have someone in your life.

The funny thing is I have lots of people in my life that I love and that love me. If anything all these years of digging around in the shit of my life has fertilized that amazing gift - amazing people. They fuel me, they wrap their arms around me, they cry and laugh with me. And they do it every day of the year, not just on the one day that roses reflect a fraction of the worth of relationship - sexual or otherwise.

So while I could ruminate over the desire for a good snogging - heck we're all there at some point, or multiple occasions in the 365 days of the year, not just a specific day. But in the end, like I've said before about relationships - the good ones, the good ones are the ones that fuel you - they're the ones that make you feel like you're dancing on rainbows or whatever happy is to you. To me, I imagine it will be equal to the day I find a gluten free doughnut that tastes like a real doughnut. Fatty dough fried in more fat and topped with sugar you are my idea of brain explosion, knicker dropping kind of love. Yes I have weird standards, but considering that gluten free baking is still a little meh, that's my Everest.

My point?

Tomorrow if you want that snog or you just want to kick the boy you just found out is dating a classmate because your friend found out in a very accidental and awkward way remember this too shall pass and while we're speaking of passing things I'll hand you the chocolate or the wine - your choice because I love you and heck that's got to count for something, even just a little something.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpaxonreyes/5442938096/