Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

Clarity

My first weekend class was this past weekend. I opted to be the "brave" one and fling myself out for my prof to counsel and analyse in front of the class. I do not regret it, well maybe a little. I think I regret being a person for whom getting verklempt is an easy and often undesirable reaction. So yes I got teary and it got worse once RB, on my request gave me feedback, given that he was one of two people in the class who knew me best, likely the one who does know me best. He teared up, and the NLLL'ing waterworks came. When it was all said and done and he and I hugged, and I realized that while I would and can say that I love him, he's really a dear friend, he's also an entirely lame potential boyfriend given previous experience and where he is in life. Oddly though in all that I realized the things I love in him, who he is, are rare (ish) things. They are the core qualities that made me fall in love with AB. It's a tenderness with a joyful carelessness that somehow runs deep even if either of them weren't entirely sure how to navigate life. The Douche doesn't have that - tender and him do not go in the same sentence, maybe they could, but I think I am realizing, that I'm a tough enough nut on the exterior and broken enough on the inside that I don't think it's healthy for me to be off trying to open someone else up. Sure he may now even *gasp* publicly acknowledge me, and if he ever asked me out I MIGHT say yes (what the hell right?) I know that he's not it, quite frankly I cannot say I think anyone in my life is it right now. And while that's lonely in many respects, in others, well in other respects, I wonder if I find the pickiness freeing in a way. I know I'm messy - good gracious I am messy and I actually need a lot from my relationships, as much as it pains me to even consider that, never mind articulate that.  I'm working on me and I know, man or no man, that there is something freeing in loving the good men in your life for who they are, where they are and knowing that that's all they need from you and that's all you can give them.

Photo:http://inside-out-22.blogspot.ca/2012/09/crying-with-my-mom.html

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

Don't Make Promises You Cannot Keep...

I believe that's the saying... I confess I will likely fail at keeping my promise to keep blogging in the next little while.

My bestie Ms. J has a brand spanking new hip and as such I'm going to be spending my next few days sneaking food into her, watching movies and giggling about the hot doctors (there better be hot doctors).  As such I won't be here.

And when I'm not here I'm going to be studying for the GRE again - good gracious I thought I dodged that bullet, *le sigh.* X and I started talking about the future - not like that kind of future but sort of - it's the even more challenging and complicated future.

See I like to plan, but in recent years I've beat down the planner in me so much that I think I'm afraid of planning. I'm afraid of saying yes to things - of quite frankly dreaming.  I feel like when I get into dreamer/planning mode I forget the present, I forget my commonsense, and I find that the world I try to dream/plan into existence is founded nowhere in reality.  In the end I guess the more I dig into this relationship and my future the more I realize just how damn burned I am/was by the whole CEF process.  Some moments I find it's like realizing not only a scar I wasn't aware of but a whole abscessing wound.  And then there are things that I thought I was afraid of that I really never was... *le sigh times deux*

X and I got into two little arguments if you will call them that last night - one about the cost of his graduation shirt - apparently he's neglected the part of growing up where dress shirts aren't found on the sale rack at the Gap, they cost money because you're an adult and looking like a schlumpy 19 year old is not acceptable at 30+.  But we'll discuss that later.  The other one was why am I doing two years of seminary, when seminary is ultimately just a middle man/point for my MA.  Good question. One that actually didn't really sink in until this morning.

I'm not sure.  I think when I set out to do my two years I was in a completely different place - I was single and I was (still am) really happy with the way things are here community and friend wise.  When I became unsingle I didn't see the point in rushing off to apply anywhere.  I don't plan on moving to be with X unless we are married - plain and simple.  It's a huge move, it's a lot of paperwork and it's not going to be for us just to try things out.  X agrees but thinks I should just apply in his general area - so we are close but not living together.  Here is the sticky thing.  The schools I want are on the West coast... they all require the GRE and I'm feeling royally overwhelmed. 

I know this all doesn't really make sense.  I guess what I mean is I understand that the most practical option is for me to apply for MA programs this Fall, but I think I'm just scared out of my gourd for that whole process.  I once was a jump and deal with it girl, now I'm one who realizes that there are still open wounds from the last time I did that.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/elizacate/3393159650/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Balance

Balance is something I've never been good at. Really, and truly I almost always fail at it - falling under or over a target.

X and I have been struggling with this, more so I have been struggling with it. Feeling like I can't find the right speed for anything - the physical, the emotional, the relational. I know there is no perfect, no right moment for anything - or "right" speed. Some people find themselves in relationships going the speed of light towards marriage and babies and are at complete peace - and no I'm not referencing Katie and Tom and that shitastic thing. But I think we all know those people. And others, they take a long time to even say I love you, never mind settle. I keep trying to remind myself that we all have a speed, and you can like in driving slow down. You cannot necessarily retrace your steps but you can try to work through them again.

I've been asked if he's the one. I don't know - I am beginning to realize just how much my relationship with CEF scarred and scared me in the whole serious dating business. AB was well AB and most of my big indiscretions there came via alcohol - except thankfully or not thankfully when it came to us having sex. Funny enough the fooling around was done while various stages of intoxicated, the sex, completely sober. Hmmm. Well enough unpacking of that. Back to CEF - X is not the same - but the fear is still there... guess life itself is going to have to work through that fear with me.

Things that make me smile...

I'm having a little emotionally bumpy week (for lots of reasons) but fear not it is on the upswing.  I have decided to embrace the changes - the life and hair changes - goodness I think I should have done this whole hair thing on impulse and not after dwelling on it for months.  The best way to embrace change is with something new - like new shoes.  And shoes are the best thing for making me feel better - Ms. J actually has many pictures of me in NYC gawking at shoes in window displays.

Drumroll...

Yes it official I have had enough of winter - bring on the skirts and the cute shoes.

Well Victoria...

Victoria mentioned yesterday that she feels that in dating there is not enough honesty regarding the fear.  Today she furthered this idea of the fear as:

"And I'm not just talking about the big fears, I'm talking about the littler ones, the going on a date ones, the meeting someone for the first time ones, the what if it's awful, how do I politely escape ones, the what if there's that awkward, dead silence fears. I've had them and done it anyway."

So here it is V, I am scared. I have my fears. I have my moments that cause my stomach to churn. I even had a moment like that this week as X can attest to and it made me feel horrible and I know it hurt him too. I also have big fears - like will I ever feel ready to be married - I am not referencing this in regards to X.  Just after CEF the whole fairytale, run off into the sunset and get married and live happily ever after business does not exist.  It doesn't mean I don't want it to happen, it's just hard when that little voice of doubt has a tendency to creep into the picture.

The issue is whether or not the fear stops the forward growth - I sure hope it does not.

Cristina/Owen I think are the best example that comes to mind when you despite your scars and your fears try to press through and find love